I think I'm going out of my mind. W and I had our second MC recently, she came out happier than I've seen her in years, I came out mad as a wet hen (she didn't know this, I kept thinking "no LB's no LB's).

Ok, My story, very long so I'll keep it short (just for background). Married 15yrs, W had A 12yr ago. Many ups and downs since. She is Bi-polar, history of medical problem (which I'm sure are 90% in her head, shrink agrees to some extent). She was also raped at 19. I was a very angry BS, did about everything wrong a BS can do. Back in late Oct I decided to fix the marriage or move on, told wife, she agreed and does NOT want to separate. Neither do I, I think.

Ok, fast forward to late last week. We're at MC and counselor ask's "when did all these problems start". Wife answer's "When he started becoming demanding" (ie: Last Oct). I really bit my tongue as I wanted to jump up and scream "WHEN YOU HAD AN A IS WHEN IT STARTED"!! Can someone be that completely blind? Well, following, counselor later asks what I (asking her) needed to do to fix our problematic.. well, non-existant SF problem. W say's "When he starts being nice to me again". Now this really cranked me up (no LB's no LB's!!!). She again refer's to when I started being "demanding" as the reason but I'm totally lost. Before I was demanding, I let everything go, no LB'ing, nothing. Hey I tried to be nice but I usually offset that with a major angry outburst when things got to be too much (12yrs of this makes you a real dork, ya know?), I'm REALLY working on that. Either way, I was watching her sink back into severe depression (never leaving the house, let alone get out from in front of the T.V. etc), so I decided something had to be done (in Oct), if not for the marriage, for the kids. I just can't live with that kind of turmoil any more. Our SF "problem" dates back about 5yrs, once a month "sometimes", usually longer, much longer. It's as though I can do no right! I sometimes honestly believe she just has no ability to look at the big picture. Even counselor was perplexed. I'm comming from the angle of trying to save our marriage, considering everything in our past, my mistakes, her's etc etc, and she's not thinking any further back that 2 months ago, which is suprising as it's genrally about 2 weeks (seemingly).

I'm back to the question in my first post on this board. What makes this thing worth saving????? I have no OW, geez louise thats the LAST thing I want. I'm doing my part, working at it, but unless I stay on her butt, she's happy to sit and watch TV all day! Is there a way to go about this I'm not getting? IMO, counselor was stuck with advising me to "be nice all the time". Well DUH!! Can it really be that SIMPLISTIC?

M.

If she was raped at 19 and has a pronounced lack of sexual interest then the two are probably inter-related.

Quite surprised that the MC doesn't want your wife to seek IC regarding her rape and its impact on her sexuality.

I am gathering you two are in a sort of twilight zone.

You need sexual fulfillment in order to feel nice about her.

She needs you to feel nice about her in order for her have sexual fulfillment.

Hmmmm I am not quite sure if you shouldn't consider another therapist. One that is proactive on sexual issues. It seems to be the issue that you and your wife are at an impasse on.

Thanks for reply SDFR

Her psychiatrist for whatever reason decided we should hit the MC first, followed by IC for the rape/rest. I was perplexed by that in itself, but M counselor has started the wheels turning for formal therapy regarding her rape.

Honestly, it's not "all" about SF for me, not by any means. But, I've discovered over the years how much SF can actually impact my feelings towards her. My "real" issue is getting her to a point she can deal with her bi-polar disorder, basicly get better to the best degree possible and continue working on it. We (Psych and I) believe she's finally hit about the right mix of meds, which is a good thing, however I (and Psych) believe a pro-active approach is at least as beneficial as meds, hence my "demanding" attitude. In that I've seen the cycle before, where she come's off the "manic" (which I consider "normal" almost) but then sinks into months of severe depression. The cycle is not worth living through again. I won't do it, nor will I any longer take full responsibility for taking action. My "demanding" attitude lies in my "demand" that SHE do something to help herself, otherwise, rinse-repeat start over. I can't imagine another 15yrs of that, and won't. Hope thats not too "demanding". I want my marriage to work.. thats all.

M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My "demanding" attitude lies in my "demand" that SHE do something to help herself, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know where you are coming from. I would routinely push her to see a sex therapist or specialist ...never knew she really needed individual counseling.

It was very fustrating to see her withdraw over the subject. Even more painful that she would enter into a affair based on her own self described dislike of sex.

Mort I truly underestimate the impact of her sexual rejection on you. Having been on your side of the mountain for 17 years I thought was okay with a sex starved marriage. Not happy but okay since other areas of my life were good.

But you have a hidden resentment that even you are not fully aware of. And subconcious sense of rejection from all of this that leaves feeling like you are not complete.

Your statement that you know how good things could be if you had a normal healthy sex life also ackowledges that at least subconciously you know the current situation is not all it can be.

I still remain surprised that your psychiatrist is not dealing with her personal issues first.

I have learned this since entering grad school. Therapist, Pyschologist and Pyschiatrist all have different approaches toward dealing with personal and family issues. The therapist community deals more with the person and their thoughts and conditions. The Pyschologist and Pyschiatrist deal more with the internal and mental structure of an individual.

Quick example. Say a child is still wetting the bed. A therapist will explore what the child is thinking and then formulate a possible course of action.

Pyschologist will point on what is and isn't correct behavior and work from that point.

Psychiatrist will take the problem and like a medical doctor trace it back to what they think is the problem. Much like an MD would trace a pain in your chest to a possible heart attack. They work backwards in other words.

Ya... I know. Thanks bud.

M.

Hi Mortimer.
I am in a rush (late for work) but just quickly, has your wife accepted her illness? I too am bipolar and for a long time denied the fact (Probably because I didn't/couldn't find the answers to my feelings etc.I was so very confused. Once I accepted it I began to improve. A lot of what I did during my manic episodes I had trouble remembering and what I could remember had a hard time coming to terms with. My H, like you was pretty much beside himself. Once I accepted what was happening to me I was well equipt to deal with it better. When I am manic (and I recognise it now) I too stay home, I paint, draw, get on the computer...anythging that will keep me out of trouble. For a long time I thought that I was the devil, I was convinced I had triple 6 tatooed on my forehead.
My meds are finally starting to work (took many cocktails to get it right). Now I say to H, my illness was not an excuse for what I did,it's simply an explanation.

Sorry for rambling, I just know that it took me to accept bipolar, before I could live and deal with it and was just wondering where your wife stands on that.

Good luck, I know it's hard but you are both in my thoughts.

mtheart

Sorry for the long delay. Yes, W has accepted she's Bi-Polar. Problem from my point of view is that she uses it as an excuse. Ok, don't shoot me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm trying hard here. Her current mix of meds appear to be working, at least keeping her stable. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not pushing too hard, expecting too much change in a short amount of time. Who knows.

M.