My wife confessed her affair to me. She’s lied about her feelings for OM and now after 8 months has finally said she still has feelings for him. Sometimes, she even says she loves him, but other times she says she doesn’t. Who knows? Probably not me, or her.

Though I don’t like to say it, my conclusion is that her affair wasn’t allowed to run it’s course – it was never tainted by the realities of real life. In her mind, that relationship (which was an escape) continues to be a place of refuge and comfort. She’ll probably always remember that feeling. Hopefully, one day she’ll realise that this was what attracted her to the OM, and not the fact that they were meant for each other. Slot the pair of them into the hard life we’ve shared over the years, and they wouldn’t last five minutes.

Every time things are rough at home (which in a severely wounded marriage they’re bound to be, not to mention the everyday pressures of life) her mind is going to flee to this place of refuge.

KIT;

Your W sounds just like me.

I admitted my A then resumed it without my H knowing.

Only now since oM has ended things, have I been forced to try to move out of the fog.

But I look back at my times spent with OM as a refuge, you are right. A happy place, and uplifting place when I was down. In reality, it would have never have lasted...or at least if we were together (there were NEVER any plans though of either of us losing our spouses for eachother) we would have had to fight all the daily battles married people eventually face.

I guess the thought of OM is like a fairytale to me. This magical super special unique man. Thats how I like to portray him in my mind....truthfully , I know that he is no more then an infatuation.

It is just very very hard to let it go.

Sally.

I never went back to OM after D-day. We had a few more conversations, but after a few weeks, I stopped talking to OM all together. I ended it so fast because I truly never wanted my marriage to end. I didn't fall in love with my OM like so many foggy WS. I just enjoyed the positive attention he gave to me, we had fun together, and with too much alcohol, let it get too far on a couple of occasions.

I had also found MB within a few days of d-day, and realized that the only way to convince my H I truly loved him and that the OM was not important to me was to cut him out of my life completely.

But, it didn't really make much of a difference to my H for some reason. He still told me to move out 2 months into our separation, prefers to spend his time with his female "friend" over me, and cannot be bothered to recommit to me or to working on our relationship. He never found forgiveness for me. He seemed to enjoy the guilt that I felt, and how it put him in a position of power. I don't feel like he would ever treat me as his equal and partner ever again, or with any real respect. I could list so many more reasons, but in short, we're headed for Dv now.

I hope that your WS comes out of the fog at some point....but we're all very different of course.

Jen

PS: My OM was a coworker too. I ignored him like the plague at work (a school, with over 40 staff and 800 students) for a whole school year after d-day, and then he found a job at another school thankfully. I literally only had to talk to him because of work a half a dozen times that entire year. I was never tempted to resume the relationship actually. I was just so disgusted with myself for ever having the A actually.

<small>[ January 13, 2004, 08:12 AM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> women ws if you ended the affair what made you end it </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I ended the affair because it was wrong both personally and morally. I cannot claim that the moral component was primary in the decision, though over the course of the affair my faith deepened--that was my source of strength for ending it. Also, he had relocated and I knew that a long-distance relationship would be even worse. During the last weeks before he left, he asked if I would still write to him and I said I would, though I had also frequently brought up the subject of us taking this golden opportunity to part ways for good. (He refused to engage in those conversations, once abruptly signing off of an instant message session.) He wasn't very nice about the breakup, either--instead of just saying he understood and stating the obvious--that it was for the best--he was petulant ("go if you have to...cut all ties"). Clearly, he wanted things to go on as they were: 2 women meeting all of his needs. I can't condemn him for that. I was as wrong and misguided as he was.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> and what was on youre mine at the time of affair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myself, him, us. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out the 'why' of it. It was very on and off in nature, there were no-contact periods, no-sex periods, and toward the end I insisted on no sex at all because I was trying very hard to erode and break the bond. So in all there was more conversation than sex, and I gained a lot of insight from the conversation.

Over time I came to think and feel differently about him and myself. It was hard to end the relationship, and all I really wanted was for it to end on a peaceful note. He sent me a birthday present after the breakup, with a note saying "I don't expect any response", and that helped. I knew then that he understood and was at peace with it and that he wasn't trying to start it back up again. After that there was incidental contact (email on birthdays and Christmas) but that died a natural death.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> did you care about the hurt that was being done etc. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Initially that was the first issue on my mind. I even asked him, when he said "I'm ready to go forward with this thing", "What would your wife say, if you had an affair?" (I was trying to scare him off, and it didn't work.) I was at first very very freaked out about being so compelled by *someone else's husband*.

But, know this: I would have rebuffed his advances if there had been *anything at all* going on at home that gave me reason to believe my marriage could succeed. (Since then I have learned that there are sadder things than a failed marriage.)

I think anyone who says they ended an affair for purely altruistic or moral concerns is lying. I can say without equivocation that it was about unmet needs and insufficient faith (especially in the area of understanding about the institution of marriage). The nature and definition of sin is self-involvement, self-feeding. Turning away from God. We cannot make ourselves whole by chasing our own desires, listening to our own counsel, or through any sort of union with another.

I hope your wife can come to similar realizations and that you, too, can eventually salvage some good of this mess.

Terminator,

Wow what a help to me. It gives me the inspiration to keep showing her that there is something going on at home.

My wife says that she's not been with him physically since D-day, but was on the phone with him last night. I know he feeds that need to communicate and be known by someone.

I guess I'm just anxious for this thing to run its course.

Thanks again, truly inspiring.

Titleist,

Good. I am glad that you dug that little gem out of all that text.

In addition to showing her that there is something at home for her, *don't forget to take care of you*. You need to make some demands on her as well. It is not your lookout to sit there and lick her feet while she carries on with the OM. Lay down a threat and be ready to back it up--him or me. Gather strength for a time if necessary to follow through. I believe that in order for your efforts to be fruitful (and anybody here or anywhere else will back me up on this) she needs to get the OM out out out out out of her life. Zip, zero, nada contact. It has to be as if the person died.

The WS cannot be anything to anyone until they can stand alone for a time, comfortable in their solitary skin, and understand the connections in the extramarital relationship, and the marriage relationship, and then apply that knowledge of self to rebuilding the marriage. Until this capability exists it is a waste of time to discuss a relationship.

Do not forget to know, honor and love yourself in all this. If you are a person of faith, maybe that would be a place to start: study specifically how God loves you and find out the unique ways in which you can return the favor.

Terminator,

I guess I know I'm heading towards the confrontation of him or me. I just want to have made enough deposits in her that it becomes a "no brainer". I don't want her to stay for the kids or because it's the right thing to do. I want her to stay because she sees something in me that she likes and wants.

I have renewed my relationship with God and have had a wonderful time sharing with my pastor and his wife who are aware of all of the gorry details. Their recommendation was, if I will work on me I will win her... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I sincerely hope so. But whether you win her or not, this journey is going to make you the person God wants you to be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

its getting so bad that my wife leaves the kids home alone. i know if i go and file for custosy that will be big lb. she work with this guy and as long as she there it will be longer.

Talking about ending the "fog." How would you react if your spouse ran and ad in the newspaper with your and OM's picture with a short article detailing the affair and the impact on your and OM's family.

Do you think that would breakup the "fog"?

Beau

^^

I find it interesting that the conversation about WS and affairs stopped when I presented an idea about exposure. Apparently, WS fear exposure to the community at large and rightly so. Sort of blows the fantasy away when everybdy in your town finds out what you are doing.

Any comments

Beau

Beau,
You wrote:
"How would you react if your spouse ran and ad in the newspaper with your and OM's picture with a short article detailing the affair and the impact on your and OM's family."

If my husband had done something to publicly humiliate me, it would have been a LARGE love buster---I would have thought for certain that he didn't love me or he would want to protect me from everyone knowing. I am pretty sure we wouldn't be married now if he had done something like that.

In fact, that's how I did feel....when he told my kids (adults) I took it totally wrong...that he was trying to make me 'pay'....which maybe he was to an extent.

But, what really ended it for me was the exposure with him....and when he told me 'if you think you can be happy with him, then go ahead...'

That's when I realized I wanted to at least try. Withdrawal was still long and hard because I continued to have an EA (by phone and email) even though I ended the PA. Coming out of the fog is a process....I truly doubt that it happens instantly. Not in my case anyway. Diane

Diane

Most people confuse exposure with revenge or an attempt to hurt the WS. Exposure is NOT for REVENGE but to stop the affair. As long as the affair is kept secret it continues. However, when the light of day shines on the affair many if not most affairs collapse. You mention that when your H told your kids that this was taken by as revenge to “pay me back.” What you really felt was shame and embarrassment. You wanted to keep the affair secret so that you could continue the affair. You didn’t want your kids to think badly of you. I am sure your children looked at you differently after they found out about the affair and probably did not support you. You were concerned with exposure because you KNEW the affair was wrong.
I recommend exposure to family, friends, pastor, and anyone that will contact the WS and talk to then about ending the affair.

I see many WS that linger in a fantasy about the affair after exposure to family members has occurred. You did that for a period of time after your H and family knew about the affair. You THOUGHT that you were in love with OM but what you really experienced was an exaggerated infatuation. I believe had exposure had been more widespread that you would have stopped the affair sooner.

You talk about humiliation. What about the pain and suffering and humiliation that you brought down on you H and family? You did not spare them! So, what makes you think that you should have been spared exposure?

Beau

its getting so bad that my wife leaves the kids home alone. i know if i go and file for custosy that will be big lb. she work with this guy and as long as she there it will be longer.

i seen wife with om today and when i want to talk to her the om man wanted to fight. wife told him no.this guy works with her sould i let the company know. iknow it will be a big lb. but as long as she is there see will be with om.

Read the replies to all your previous posts.

iam chris but just look for more advise.

is geting child cusdtosy or vist right is that lb. i dont want this man around my kids.

Beau,
We may be talking about 2 different types of exposure here...

I took you to mean public exposure, which in my opinion would be humilitating to everyone.

Exposure to those that matter in the situation is a different case entirely

In the book Surviving an Affair, Harley speaks of resentment from a BS as a motive for exposure. I'm just telling you from a WS perspective, that my love for my husband increased when he DIDN't expose it to the world. I don't know because he didn't tell everyone, but if he had I think my love for him would have hit an all time low.

Restoration of the marriage is the objective here...and I personally don't see how publicly humiliating a WS would accomplish that objective. I hope any BS considering making the A public knowledge will try other avenues first.

I don't think you and I will agree on this one, but I'm just letting u know how ONE FWS feels about it. Diane

<small>[ January 14, 2004, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: diane1223 ]</small>