Recently, my WH seems to be discussing his OW with my youngest child, who is about 6 ½. He has told him that in a couple of weeks they are going on an outing with his friend “X”. I’m having a very difficult time with this. I knew it would happen eventually, but I wasn’t ready for it to happen this quickly. My son is very accepting of everyone, especially if you give him attention, buy him a toy or two, etc. I’m sure there are many of you who had this situation and I’m wondering what did you do to feel better about it or at least cope with it. I really resent that he’s introducing her as a “friend” when I know and my oldest child knows exactly what kind of “friend” she is.

Hope,
Been there, done that, and now, believe it or not, my WH actually regrets getting our children involved!!! After D-day, I begged for him not to expose our 3 yr old daughter to OW. I also knew he had already exposed 8 yr old SS, and told him I didn't think it was wise, but he did it anyway. After all, they were "just friends." 8 yr olds, even 3 yr olds are smarter than that.

After exposing our D a couple of times, I asked him nicely, out of respect for me if he would not do so again, until he and I were completely done, ie. Divorce. He agreed. Well, his little insecure OW would get upset with him because he would no longer see OW when he had our D. SS saw everything, however, even went to OW's place (to play with her son), yeah right.

Anyway, to sum it up, the A is fizzling, and SS seems happy about it. WH's lifestyle was SO chaotic during the A. SS continues to raz H when he knows contact between the two has been made. (SS is smarter than his dad!!! lol) But, WH has expressed to me that he is sorry that he introduced his kids. I can't take my child to daycare at H's work because OW's son goes there, and he's so messed up, he'd probably call my D his sister, or something!!! WH told me that the few times he had our D with him and OW, she would turn her back to them, if he and OW showed any signs of affection toward each other.

Unfortunately, it really does take a toll on the kids. Eight yrs. ago, Hubby was cautious about getting his son involved with me, before he really knew that Hubby and I were going to make a committment. I just wish he had used the same judgement, now.

I wish you the best, Hope. I don't really know your sitch., but if there is still a chance for you and your H to reconcile, I would really try to express you concern to WH about premature exposure. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for.

Just my 2 cents.
MOP

Hope,

I personally do not feel it is appropraite that your WH is telling young son about this new "friend" and I also think you should discuss the boundaries with your WH.

It may be too late if you already agreed that this OW could see your child/ren but for me ,there is NO way that mt WH OW will see my children EVER if I have to spend thousands of dollars on lawyers to prevent it somewhow.

Right now my WH agrees to that and it is too difficult for a meeting to take place anyway but I think it is very confusing to children to introduce the affair partners and it is a selfish act on the part of the WS.In fact it freaks me out totally to think about that.I know that my counselor has suggested that this OW not be part of my kids lives in any way right now.Have you discussed this with a counselor to get some insight?

It is really important that children not be exposed to any part of the affair IMHO.It is damaging.

O

I think its completely inappropriate for your children to be exposed to this sleazy situation. Children should not have to see this and should be protected from it all costs. Today its the OW, next month it will be someone else. You don't want your kids around that kind or crap.

Nor does it send a good message to act normal around sordid situations. They should know that this is inappropriate so they don't grow up and whore around. You don't want them to grow up and act like this because they were taught it is just fine.

So, I would suggest laying a FIRM boundary when it comes to your kids and not allow them to be around the OW. There may come a time when you have no control over who he exposes them to, but you do have control NOW. And sometimes judges will stipulate no contact with OP's in the seperation papers depending on where you live. Please just protect your kids at all costs. You can't count on your H right now to have any sense of propriety so it lies on your shoulders.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hope4Best:
<strong> He has told him that in a couple of weeks they are going on an outing with his friend “X”. I’m having a very difficult time with this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As you should. Tell him no. If you have to, contact an attorney. I would just tell him that the situation is inappropriate and pass on it.

Thanks for all your advice. . . I feel the same way and I think I'll let my intermediary try to lay this boundary. I'm in Plan B and have had no contact with him for 5 weeks! If necessary I will talk to my attorney about this, but it really has me upset. My youngest is very accepting of anyone and will just accept her because this is daddy's "friend". He doesn't understand the concept of an A and I don't really know how he will react if he seems them kissing or being intimate. . . . .thanks again for all the advice.

Hope

Hope, there is another aspect to this you should consider. You don't know what kind of person this OP is and you can't depend on your H to have any sort of reliable judgment. She is the kind of person that has affairs with MM. Granted, your H is no better, but your son HAS to see him. There is absolutely no purpose for him to be exposed to OP. The breakup of your boy's home is traumatic enough for any kid to take, he shouldn't have to see this!

<small>[ January 12, 2004, 07:50 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Melody, I completely agree. I think it will be very confusing to him, especially since he's only 6 1/2 (almost 7).'

Thanks for the advice. I'll make the request and see what happens.

Hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hi Hope,

I am so sorry to hear about this... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ...well, let's just hurry up and introduce Daddy's new "friend"...why the rush huh? Perhaps that is the brightest ray of hope you can see here -- the rush itself...after all, if it's the right thing for WH, why's he in such a rush??? Anyhow...enough of my ranting!

Have you checked on any of the divorce sites? Perhaps you can get some free advice on the legal issues involved...ie. how you can stipulate n/c with OW until the D is finalized.

And what about Penny? Does she have any thoughts on this? I would imagine it is all too depressingly common and that she's faced it before with Plan B spouses.

A carefully worded letter to him might be the best course of action to take...it is all about your little boy of course but you KNOW that d***head WH is going to interpret it as jealousy. Although his interpretation is NOT your problem nevertheless it would be wise to focus on reducing the communiction down to its simplest, non-reactionary, non-confrontational level. This will protect you if necessary in future.

In case you are wondering, I am fully aware that I just made a big DJ above <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> but in your H's case, I find it hard not to be judgemental. He is SUCH a d***head about you, your sons, your dogs...grrrrrrrr. Good thing I live a long way away from you...

A VERY big hug to you pal...hang in there and keep up all the good plan B work...stupid to say I know but try not to let this new twinkle take over all your thoughts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ...force yourself into thinking about or doing something else...awed

P.S. I don't think I ever mentioned that my H thinks your WH is a ******** too? Well...okay...he didn't actually use those words <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> but he thinks he's being stupid. He asked me why your WH was in such a rush to get a D? Good question I said. Then my H said it sounds like your WH is in denial and he'll regret it later on!!! Truer words never spoken by a former WS... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ January 13, 2004, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>

Awed,

Thanks for your support, your post just made me laugh outloud which is something I needed to do today!!

I agree, why the rush. I did talk with my intermediary about this as I was going to have her "request" that he delay this course of action. From what she told me, it seems that he may be doing this all on his own. . . hmmmm, what do you think of that??? I wonder. . . . .

I don't know Penny's thoughts. . . she's been unavailable and I'm not scheduled to speak to her before this potential outing. . . .oh well, I'll just have to figure out some way to cope with this on my own. But it does suck!

I loved your H's comments about my husband and I completely agree. I think there will come a day that he may regret all of his decisions -- that day may come right after the sale of our house! Which I am still stalling. . . .update. . .talked to a realtor, she's great! She's listing it high, so not to get any frenzy of activity and she's doing it so that if you want to see the house, you have to do it with her. No lockbox, no sign in the yard, etc. I think all those things would be detrimental to the children, right? I need to do some weeding and fixing up in general so we're not even going to start listing it until February 1. . . . .more stalling. . . .I hope it's enough, but only time will tell.

Thanks again!

Hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi Hope,

Glad I made you laugh out loud!!! The best medicine indeed... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I read that Penny's undergoing surgery which is why she is unavailable (you probably already knew this). Here's another suggestion: Why don't you post to Star*fish? I believe she mentioned that she is formally mentoring couples under Penny's direction (but perhaps it is under the Harley's).

I've thought about your situation further, and I strongly feel that the more info you have at this point, the better. It is so important that your action not UNDULY inflame your situation...do you know what I mean? I'm not talking about ruffling his feathers...I just mean that you need to have the best info you can about WHAT is possible and WHY. And then you need to write something that cannot come back and bite you in the a**...either in D or as part of Plan B.

This is a tightrope you're on and I think some professional advice is warranted. I am so sorry Penny is not available at this time because she understands how "unusual" your WH is, or perhaps better stated: the subtleties of the dynamics involved. I am worried that generally-applicable principles might not be appropriate for you in this situation. Or rather, they need VERY careful management in their application.

I am keeping both my fingers and toes crossed for you...hey! do you have any idea how difficult it is to carry on with my life under these circumstances??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> awed

I moved COUNTRIES to stop this kinda balony. Tell him HELL no and stick to your guns.

love and light,

Jacky