Last June I left my H because I was tired of being alone, of being controlled, of being verbally abused, and I was just plain unhappy. We had grown in 2 separate directions and it seemed that all we ever did was fight. The last few months that I was still there were miserable. We never did anything together...not even eat dinner or sleep together. Sex was just that...sex...no love involved...just fulfilling a need. I finally got up the courage to leave, and didn't tell him...I left while he was at work. He came home to find me gone.

The very day I left, that very night, he had the OW spend the night. Of course he has an excuse for that, but geez, couldn't he have mourned my leaving at least a day? I didn't know he had been seeing her before I left. He says they were just friends and nothing ever happened before I left. But boy it didn't take long for things to heat up after I left. Anyway, they now live together in my old house. She moved in in Sept.

I was emotionally wrecked by his A. I really don't know what I expected from him by my leaving, but it certainly wasn't that. I made myself sick over it. I came close to a nervous breakdown. But fortunately I was wise enough to get help for myself with IC and medications.

I begged him and pleaded, cried and yelled, did plan A, tried to do plan B, read everything I could get my hands on about A's and reconciliation. Went to my pastor, prayed and prayed. I wanted to come back home. But, he was cruel and told me, "I am going out with _______. She is my girlfriend now."

During this time, there was someone lurking in the background for me. Unfortunately he was married. I refused to have anything to do with him because I would not make another woman feel the way I was feeling. But, oh boy, self-centeredness has a way of making you do things you wouldn't do under normal circumstances.

By early Sept. the OM left his W. They had been having problems for awhile. The day he left, we got together. Just talked that first night. The second night started out the same, just talking, but we managed to tell each other how we both felt an instant connection the first time we saw each other. We kissed that night, and he took my breath away. And I could already feel myself falling in love with him.

Ironically, that same night, my H asked me to come home. I was torn. I was feeling such strong feelings for the OM that I couldn't ignore them. I felt like OM was the answer to my prayers. He was everything I ever hoped for in a mate and then some. I told my H, that I couldn't come home. That I had met someone and he needed to give me time to sort it all out. He had asked me for time, now I wanted the same. He cried and begged and pleaded, and I told him no as my heart broke.

OM and I were together everyday for 3 weeks. It was the happiest time of my life so far. He asked me to marry him when our D's were final. We had so much in common, there wasn't anything that we didn't connect on. It was perfect. Except for one thing. His W. I have to be honest in saying that I didn't feel guilty about being with OM. I felt bad that his W was hurting, but I wasn't willing to let him go, unless he wanted to, and apparently he did. Without warning, he went back to her. He called me 3 days later to tell me. I guess the adultury was weighing on his heart more than mine. He said he had to do the right thing by God, and that meant he had to make sure his M was over and not fixable. I was broken hearted, but respected his decision. However, he called me everyday that he was gone. We even met a couple times. Then after 8 days he came back to me. Only to leave again 7 days later. This time with no phone call, no contact whatsoever. It was during this time that I found out I was pregnant. 10 days later, he was back. He said he was miserable with her, she has always been a controlling person, now she was worse. He said all he did was think about me, and miss me. He said his heart ached for me, and that he felt that I was his destiny, that we were meant to be together. One short week later, he was gone again. This time I knew it, and when he left, he told me, "just know I love you very, very much, and I believe we are meant to be together." His W is blackmailing him (don't ask, long story, won't tell) and brainwashing him. His mom told me that he thinks he was "full of demons and evil spirits" when he was with me. The first week he was gone we talked on the phone 3 times. The last time was the day I lost our baby. I told him I had lost the baby and now I was losing him too. He told me I hadn't lost him, that losing the baby didn't change the way he felt about me. The last words he spoke to me were, "I love you." That was last November. I haven't spoken to him since, and they have moved and changed their number.

I still love him. I still think he is my soul mate. My heart aches for him. But, I have come to realize a lot about myself through all of this.
The first thing is that my R with OM was wrong. It was no more right than my H's R with OW. No matter how right it felt, how much we loved each other, it was not right in the eyes of God. I have since rededicated my life to God. It is what has gotten me through the pain of my losses. I have realized that I was being very selfish and self centered. I only cared about what made me happy, it didn't matter who got hurt in the path of that. And to a point I am still selfish. I still hope for OM's return, but it doesn't keep me from living.

And then another twist. My H still wants me back. Although he is not willing to get rid of OW. I have told him that I would be willing to talk about it, but that there is no hope of reconciliation if she's still living with him. He won't kick her out. Our D is final in 2 weeks. And I am not sure I want to go back. I have been having serious bouts of nostalgia lately, and my H consumes my dreams. His mother was diagnosed with lung cancer on Christmas day, and being with the family again, and taking part in her care has made me long to be "in the family" again. We have so many issues, I just don't know if they can be worked out. And I don't want to go back and feel "stuck" again. I like who I am now, and I won't be dominated again.

I am praying like crazy over all of this. Does God want me to reconcile with my H? Does He want me to wait for OM? Does He have someone else for me who will surpass both of these men? I just don't know. It may sound as if being in a relationship is my primary goal. It is not. I am pretty satisfied with my life outside of a relationship. I like who I am today.

I am sorry this is so long, but I felt the whole story needed to be presented. Any advice is greatly appreciated and welcomed. And don't worry about hurting my feelings...I know my actions have not been pleasing to God, and now that is all I want to do is please Him.

trinity

wanna post..busy day...
will try to get back later....

uggghhh what a mess...

ark

Trinity

I'm glad Ark's come along, because she is very wise (and quite funny at times <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) and has some very good insight. I agree - yuk, what a mess.

Don't worry, people here will want to help you, but you too must want to help yourself. Welcome, it's a good place to come to get insight and to help with your sanity when all around you seems to be crumbling.

My first suggestion is read all the material on this website and also order the book Surviving an Affair. Even with your quite complicated situation (i.e. your H's A beginning after you left, and you being involved with OM when separated) there will still be a lot of things in there that will help you to understand how things could have got to this stage.

I will deal with OM first - let it go, let it be. Whatever he has said to you (in your last conversations, I love you etc.) means nothing because at the end of the day, he now seems to be committed to re-building his M. I know this will still be painful for you - withdrawal sucks - and boy to I ever know. But I think you understand that it is best left alone. Stay well clear and give him and his W the opportunity to see if their M is salvageable. It will only cause you pain if you don't. You will get to a time when things feel easier about OM, again I do know. Is it meant to be? I doubt it very much, because if it was he would be with you. I am also so sorry for the loss of your child. This too must weigh very heavily with you. Have you sought IC to help with this?

Now to your H - well, I don't believe you have any chance of re-building your M unless OW is out of the picture. What does he intend for you two to do with her living in your home? Is the man crazy????? My feeling is that if he is not prepared to end all contact with her you should not even entertain reconciliation. Does she know he has asked you about this? What does he expect from you? That he dates you and continues to live with her? Could you explain some more of his thinking here, or are you not sure yourself?

I am not surprised that you may feel confused and unsure. I for one would certainly not go back into a M after separation if OW was still so firmly in the picture. And whatever the situation, you will feel confused and unsure. It will take many months for you to come to terms with the loss of your child and your feelings for OM. But that does not mean that if the conditions are right you shouldn't reconcile with your H. Is he willing to go to MC? What conditions would you like to see from your H? Have you thought of a plan yourself about how you could possibly re-build your M?

Finally, what are you doing for yourself during this difficult time? Make sure you look out for you and be the best you can be. Treat yourself - get your nails done, have your hair done. Do you exericse? I think it is a great way to feel better about yourself and clear your mind.

Do take care and wishing you well from London.

Lisa

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We had so much in common, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TB

What you had in common was loneliness. You both were hurting. And perhaps you were both somewhat desperate.

In many respects that was your connection not love.

How often have you heard about catching someone on the rebound. You were both rebounding.

No words of wisdom here but I wanted you to know that what you thought was love was in large part two desperate persons tring to find calm in a storm of pain.

I am praying like crazy over all of this. Does God want me to reconcile with my H? Does He want me to wait for OM? Does He have someone else for me who will surpass both of these men? I just don't know. It may sound as if being in a relationship is my primary goal. It is not. I am pretty satisfied with my life outside of a relationship. I like who I am today.

Any advice is greatly appreciated and welcomed. And don't worry about hurting my feelings...I know my actions have not been pleasing to God, and now that is all I want to do is please Him.

It's so easy to get caught up in things...and you show some great insight into some of the choices you made...

Trinity the reason why affairs, yours and your husband's hurt so many people is based on the great damage it does to you on the inside....and the OP and the people in their lives...it is a chain reaction of pain...

What God wants is for us to move through this world in the most honorable way we are capable of...
even regardless of others actions....
we alone are still called to be accountable to ourselves, and others....

right now trinity your actions with anyone other than your husband are doomed to fail unless and until you finsih what needs finished there....
now this does not mean I think you should reconcile with him...
his living with another woman speaks volumes of his limited idea of what a marriage even means...

BUT
turning around and disrepecting yourself and this otherman by settling for and clinging to a relationship built out of crisis and fantasy...is not good for you also...

I think you need time away from ALL this chaos...that of which you have no control over...and that of which you create and invite in...

Running from a bad relationship right smack dab in to the thick of things...and using words like soul-mate and three weeks being the happiest time of your life should be huge red flags...
happiness in not obtained through anyone but you...not by some magical other person....

If you had a daughter and she did the actions you did...would think it made sense or was a good thing....

you have run from a fire...(and I say that while at the same time it usually takes two people to run a marraige in to a ditch so know that you are accountable to the state of your marriage as well as you husband......)
into a frying pan...

just the fact that your OM has moved and changed his number and not contacted should speak clearly to you of the reality of your love and situation...

how and why were with your motherinlaw if you soon to be exhusband is living with another woman..
how much contact do you two have...

Trinity I do not believe that God wants the foundation of marriage to become some twisted entity that has value or no value based on which side of the coin we are on...
one side you are the BS
one side you are the WS....

seek serinity and peace..
go back to your role in the marriage and see what contributions you made to its demise...
attone for what you could have done different or better...not necesarily reconcile but attone...

if you do not learn and grow from the past......and going right into being another woman...shows NO growth and NO learning on the value of marriage....then I fear you are at high risk for repeating again the things that got you too this point in your life...

ark

Trinity,

It has been my experience that when caught up in a big mess, the first thing to do is... simplify. IN a way that is what is happening to your life. OM is gone, and whether you believe that or not, that is good. A married man is NOT a good person to be around, unless you are married to him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Next up is your relationship with H. If you don't want to be married to him, then life gets simpler yet again, the divorce is final in 2 weeks right?

If you do want to consider staying married to him, then you need to do several things. One is sit down and write down some simple guidelines that he will have to follow to be your H. Look at them, then pretend you are him and see how they look from the other side. I am not surprised that your H is unwilling to let OW go, although he wants to in his life. He is afraid, very afraid of what you will do. You left him without a single word last time. IF you were not happy there is a real good chance he wasn't happy either, yet there is something there.

Stop and look at all of this from his perspective and see if you could find a way to address his fears, and your uncertainties. IT is not the worst thing to do to let the divorce go through. You two could remarry.

Now we get to the BIGGIE: YOU. You see your unhappiness is very likely directly related to your view of life, your own actions, and your own thoughts. While we may enjoy another human in our life, happiness is something that comes from within. You need to look there and get your spiritual life back in order. I can assure you that your H will respond to you differently if you are happy with yourself and life. Anyman would.

So stop and do some deep contemplation and thought about YOU, what you think, what you want, what will make you happy, what satisfies you, and how you enjoy life and other people.

SD had it right as usual, your OM was a rebound thing. You had walked out on your H, and you were ready to never look back, but you were looking for comfort and so was he. The relation was on.

So take your time, simply your life and thinking and I suspect you will start to see the correct path for you.

Those are my suggestions for your consideration. Oh! do some reading of the literature here, I suspect you will learn some very useful things.

God Bless,

JL

Wow! Thanks to all of you!

I'll try to answer some of the questions here. First me. I have learned that without God I am nothing. I have recently joined a church and am involved in a women's Bible study, which I love very much. I am also almost finished reading "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. Awesome book! It has given me a new perspective on my life. I have joined a health club and work out regularly. I still go to Christian IC weekly. I like who I am now. It took a long time to get to this point, as my self esteem and self confidence were greatly lacking as a result of the years of abuse from my husband. I am at peace to a certain extent. I am happy with my life for the most part. The parts that make me unhappy are the questions surrounding a reconciliation with my husband, and thought of OM that pop up still.

Now to OM. Many people who did not see us together or get to know OM with me said the same thing about rebound. The people who did see us together, including my parents and his, clearly saw the connection we had. It was evident to everyone around us. I have looked at our relationship from every angle. Maybe our connection was one based on loneliness. Maybe it was because of our sour marriages. But it was something that went deeper than that. I don't know how to explain it, but it was what it was. And I don't doubt he still loves me too, he just wasn't ready, and may never be ready to end his marriage. That's a difficult decision, one I am very familiar with. It took me years to do it. At any rate, you are all right about one thing...I do have to let go and move on. His actions do definately speak louder than his words. I do want to make one thing clear...I am not sitting around pining for him. I think about him often, but it does not consume me the way it did at first. I have not tried to locate him or see him. I figure, he knows how to contact me if he so chooses to. And I am through trying to manipulate God's will for my life. If it's meant to be, it will happen, if not then God has something better in store for me. But letting go is not all that easy even when you know it is a must.

Now for my H. We were married 13 years in July. The first 7 years he physically abused me. I left him then and filed domestic battery charges against him. Drugs and alcohol were very influential. He promised me the world and I gave him a second chance. The physical abuse ended, but the verbal and emotional abuse continued. When I was to the point of leaving, it was so bad, that I cried every night. My H never kept a steady job. I put myself through college, worked full time and took care of his nephew whom we have guardianship of (and whom I call my S..he is 13, was 4 when he came to live with us) and who has Cystic Fibrosis. The day before I left him, I had a birthday party for my S. He was no where to be seen. He was at OW's house all day. That night, he invited friends over and they partied in our basement playing pool and darts and the music blared. I had to work 12 hours the next 3 days in a row. I work in Intensive Care. At 12:30 am I asked him to please turn the radio down, I couldn't sleep it was so loud. He told me no. I said I have to work and I need to sleep. He told me to go sleep in my truck. This was how it had been for several months. Him partying all night long til all hours of the morning, then sleeping all day. Didn't matter if I had to work or not. I was getting 3-5 hours of sleep a night. When I asked him to not do it on the nights I had to work, he refused. The job he was doing at the time was one where he could go in whenever he wanted, so it didn't matter that he stayed up all night. Now I am not saying that I had no part in the demise of our M. I know that my bitterness and resentment led me to withdraw from him. And led me to behave in ways that caused him to further withdraw from me. It was a vicious cycle. But I want you to know, that I gave 150% to that marriage. I put up with drugs, abuse, infidelity (he had an A 2 years into our M), lack of emotional and financial support. The man is 40 years old and will have nothing to live of off when he is older. He couldn't survive right now if it wasn't for the OW. We had no savings, no life insurance besides the measly policy my job offers, we didn't own our home...we lived in one of his father's houses...rent free. My paychecks barely covered our bills and neccessities. I have worked since I was 16. I still work and support myself now. I don't need anyone to do that for me. So why do I even consider a reconciliation? The Bible clearly says I have grounds for divorce because of his adultury, and so does he. However, I still love him. I can't say I am in love with him, but I do love him. We get along better now than we ever did while we were together. As far as me being part of his mother's care...well, she is still my mother-in-law, and we love each other very much. She was extremely supportive of me during my separation. And I would never, ever leave her now at the end of her life.

I guess what I question is my true reasons for wanting him back. I am still bitter about OW. I think I just want to break them up. She and I have been kind of thrown together since his mom got sick. We are friendly towards each other. She has no idea that he and I are talking about getting back together. As far as his fears...I know he is afraid that we will go back to the same thing...fighting all the time. But he sees any disagreement as a fight. It's his way or no way.

My list of must haves from him are this...he first has to have no contact with her. He has already told me that he doesn't know if he can do that. He has to go to church with me. That is a vital part of who I am now and I want the man I am going to be with to share my passion for Christ. He has to go to counseling with me. He has to get a job. He has to be open to discussions about issues we disagree on and not see them as arguments.

The problem is, we can't even do a trial run of this because of OW. He is afraid of letting her go and then us not working out. And I am afraid of going back and finding out I really don't want to be there.

That is my biggest worry now. This is what consumes me now. OM is just a memory that comes back to haunt me now and again. I do still love OM, I do still think he is my soul mate. No one can shake that conviction. But, all he is now is just a painful memory.

Of course, the loss of my baby tears me up inside. I still weep for that child. My H is sterile. And now, more than anything, I want to have a baby. That will never happen if I go back to him.

I am not in a relationship now. Since OM, I have decided that I need to focus on what I truely want from my M if anything. I also have decided that I have to be true to my heart and to God. And my life is so much more blessed now as a result of my redidication to Him. I guess with the finality of our D looming so close, my doubts and fears are surfacing. I know that remarriage is an option if we decide later on to try again.

I should tell you that there is a part of me that likes where I am right now when I am not thinking of my H. I am excited about my new church family and the ministries and fellowship that are available to me. I am enjoying my independence...not being told what to do, who to talk to, where I can go. I am even excited about what God may have in store for me as far as a relationship with some one else is concerned. And this adds to my confusion on whether or not reconciliation is what I really want.

Anyway, this ended up being a long one too. Sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Again, thanks for all you said...I really appreciate it.

Oh, and by the way...I first came to MB back in July...I've read everything on this website, I have all the books, I even printed all the pages on A's and EN's and have them in a spiral binder. Because at that time I was so intent on reconciling my marriage...which makes it even more odd that I was with OM. I had no intention of being with anyone other than my H when OM came into the picture. But the connection was so strong, and I fought it hard at first, but eventually I gave into it. And it WAS the happiest time of my life.

God Bless

<small>[ January 13, 2004, 09:28 PM: Message edited by: Trinity Brianne ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Does God want me to reconcile with my H? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, but not to the marriage you left, and not to one with an OW in the picture.

Trinity

Your post had major alarm bells ringing in my head. I was in a *slightly* abusive M. My X did not hit me regularly - only from time to time, and was always very reasonable in between. Having said that, as I used to, it is almost like I am justifying his behaviour. His verbal onslaughts were at times more frightening. I remember him being angry about something once (can't even remember what), and he just went into a rage, and he was ironing a shirt. He started smashing the iron into the board - over and over again - until only bits were left of both the iron and the board. I think that was one of the most scarey experiences of my life.

I am sorry to say this, but how do you know that whatever you may do, you don't walk back into your M and it is as abusive as ever? I don't often disagree with the wise JL, but I for one do not blame you for one minute for walking out on an abusive M without a word. I wish I had had your strength and courage to do that rather than involve myself with someone else. It will take further strength and courage to know whether or not a) your H is capable of changing his abusive ways and b) whether or not you want to risk that and c) whether he will give up OW completely. If he has intimated he won't, personally I would leave well alone. My own feeling is that I would want OW out of the picture before even considering anything. I vehemently disagree with your H - someone is better than no-one? My X is like that too - a serial monogomist (sp?). How an earth can your H address his inexcusable behaviour all the time he has someone else there to justify who he is and what he does?

I know this is a marriage building site, but one thing that has no justificiation is abuse. Are you absolutely sure that it won't happen again if and when you were to reconcile with your H? I think those are huge issues that have to be addressed before you can consider rebuilding. Personally, I would not go back into an abusvie R, and would never stay in one if I found myself there again.

JL is right however when he says you can always re-marry. Ark is right too about chaos and making things easier for yourself.

I am sorry if I don't seem terribly supportive of you reconciling your M. I just see huge red flags waving around. It doesn't mean that it can't happen but I think your uncertainties are obviously caught up in his addiction and abuse, and rightly so. Only you know the man and whether or not you believe he has the ability to change.

I am glad you have read here a lot and are taking care of yourself. These are very important things to do.

Take care and wishing you well from London.

Lisa

<small>[ January 14, 2004, 05:44 AM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

Trinity,

Actually, Lisa and I don't disagree at all. My comment about walking out on your H was directed at his reluctance to reengage.

However, it seems to me that your life is simplifying, OM is gone, divorce is final in 2 weeks, you are working on yourself spiritually and physically, and you have your life ahead of you. If this is the path you chose, then go for it. I suspect you will find your life less a mess when you have people in it that are NOT messed up.

So how can we help you? You seem to have made your decision and from what you have said you have good reasons for your decision.

God Bless,

JL

Lisa and JL~

I guess what I am searching for is the answer to the question of whether or not I should reconcile. There is a big part of me that wants to, but there is a huge part of me that doesn't. I know my H has made a lot of changes already, and he said he is willing to go to MC and to church with me. But, I've heard that before and he didn't follow thru. He is also actively seeking employment. But I'm sure that has a lot to do with the fact that the OW doesn't make the kind of money I made, and I already told you that on my income we were just getting by. There are still many things that bother me about my H. His language for starters. Every other word is a cuss word or swear word. He doesn't even have to be angry. I just don't like that anymore. Since rededicating my life to Jesus, I strive to do, say, and live in ways that are pleasing to Him. And foul language I'm sure is not pleasing to God's ears. Also, he has no compassion for people. He has no self control. He doesn't know how to control his temper. He talks over people, doesn't let them finish their point, because he HAS to be sure HIS point is heard. I am sure that if he could find the Lord the way I have, he would know that these things are not respectful to God. I am in no way saying that I am the perfect Christian...I am not. I am still a child, still learning and growing. But, my outlook is totally different, my focus has changed.

So, I guess, I'm looking for an answer only God can give me. And I wait patiently for Him to show me the way. One thing I have learned through the whole mess with my H and OM is patience. Whoa boy, what a difficult lesson it was! But, God is in control, and I will go where he leads me. It is so easy to get caught up in what we want and when we want it, that we forget that God has a perfect plan and perfect timing for everything in our lives. It's when we finally submit everything, put it all at Jesus' feet, that life starts to have meaning again.

For those who are spiritual, I ask for prayers. For those who are not, I invite you to know the Lord.

"You, Lord, give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you." Isaiah 26:3

For God has said, "I will never leave you: I will never abandon you." Hebrews 13:5b