I have been in a NC pretty much this whole year. Looking back I can see where I pushed and pushed and maybe prevented her from coming back home (she moved out 7/30/03). She's out now, probably will be for a long time, but the question that is haunting me now involves the children.

She is not the best mother. She does not care for them the way I would like them cared for and she is not raising them the way I would have them raised (homework, discipline, and the like). They are with her M,T,W and sometimes on Thursday. My son really does not like staying over there but he thinks that if he is not there with her she is lonely, so he takes it upon himself to stay with her these nights (my daughter can careless who or where). I feel guilty because I feel that I am cooperating with her destroying their lives. I know this is not the best thing for them and I feel like I am turning my back while I wait for her. Should I arrange to have the children 100% of the time? It is difficult for me to pick them up during the week because of my work schedule, but I can have someone pick them up for me. Or, I can pick them up from her every night. This may hurt them even more having to leave her there alone (they don't know when they leave he comes over). She makes sure and does not have them around the OM. Should I just continue to wait to see if she files for divorce and then make a move? Or should I push to have the children with me everynight. This will no doubt enrage her because she will view this as me thinking she is not capable (which she is not), she will take it as me trying to control and hurt her by taking her kids away, so forth and so on. So what should I do regarding the children? My life is easier obviously, but I don't want to be selfish. What to do? What to do?

solon ... i'm going to defer to others. i do not have children, so i don't feel comfortable dispensing advice to you in this case. (i have a good feeling that others will tell you that your children should be with you 100 percent of the time.)

Another thing...

I'm reading How to Survive An Affair, and in the chapter, "How Do Affairs Usually End?" he says that he knew their relationship would end because Greg (the OM) did not have what it took to meet Sue's (the WS) needs. So when in the real world, they fought and it ended, besides she found out he had another woman. My question, what if he DID have what it took to meet her needs? And what if he hadn't met another woman?

The OM may just have what it takes to meet my wife's needs. He may. And the other man may never meet another woman (looking at him that's very possible). So what about that?

Solon,

Not only do I think it's rare that the OM have what it takes to meet your wife's needs the statitics show that too. It's just that he was willing to meet her #1 EN. You have nothing to fear because I beleive that you have what it takes to meet that #1 EN too. Fantasy, Fantasy, Fantasy! Once reality kicks in (Hopefully Sooner than Later) she will realize that you meet so many other needs and are willing to meet the #1 need too.

As far as the kids. I have them too and It's a tough call. I have read that the kids allow pressure to be placed on her (Reality). To remove the kids can feed the fantasy of what it would be like to be by herself. Ultimately you must decide what is in the best interest of the kids.

solon---other than the affair.....what makes her a unstable mom. can you please elaborate on this.

Well, Nikko, the affair has her in such a state where she cannot be a good mother. First off, her morales are shot. And with good reason; she is a married woman having sex with another man living away from her children. This being the case her judgement, her views of right and wrong are distorted right now. She allows my son to watch TV well into the night when he should be reading or practicing his basic mathematics. She gives no thought into the food she prepares for the children, giving them whatever is edible. One night they had fries and popcorn for dinner. They go to sleep late and wake up early because with her they have to catch the bus. With me, they can sleep an hour or so later because I don't have to work until 9:30am. Since she moved out she is relying solely on her income which is bearly enough for her let alone the children, which means the food they eat are simple and fast, i.e. fast foods.
Other than this, there is really nothing. I don't want to be too hard on her because I know I am anal when it comes to them. But mostly their diet, their sleeping habits, their education, and their behavior over all I think is negatively effected when they are with her.

oi vey.... fries and popcorn?

This is a quick reply, and perhaps I should have read more history, but my advice would be to let this slide a bit. Make sure you have them most of the time, and make sure that they eat well and get enough rest. Children are remarkably adaptable and, well, fries are potatoes...

I will read more and post more, m'man... but in the meantime, pick your battles and don't sweat the small stuff.

(my little guy had a huge chunk of cheddar cheese, 2 oranges, an apple , chocolate milk and some cheetos for dinner tonight- hey, it's better than kraft dinner, and he loved helping me 'cook')

solon:

"My question, what if he DID have what it took to meet her needs?"

He doesn't. He can't. He can never be her kids' father. That's you. She can't see these "facts" right now because of the pervasive fog and fantasy of the A. And you can't make her see them. She has to do this on her own. Give it time and a firm plan A/B.

As to whether you should take any action to protect your kids, only you can say. Just make sure you're not acting based on assumptions of what's going on or not. This isn't as easy as it sounds, so be careful. I like to say "assume your assumptions are wrong." Works most of the time.

Best,
-Qfwfq (aka 2long)