Posted this over in recovery, but don't feel much like we are recovering htese days.

Recovery is definitely a rollercoaster. It seems on the whole I'm pretty happy (mediocre) and then other times I am unhappy (or below mediocre). I guess I'm hoping for better. A couple of times a month my Taker comes out and says "You deserve to be treated better". So I ask, get mad, cajole, sweetly request, talk seriously, and mostly get hurt because I don't see any changes. My most important EN is conversation, which my H seems to be able to do without. We are talking more in the evenings...we can actually carry on a conversation for about a minute. But I have asked him (for over a year now) to send me email and call me during the day. Hasn't happened. I have sent him email and called him, and he makes it seem like I am bugging him (OK, calling at 9, 10, and 11 o'clock because I can't get ahold of him is a little extreme). But I get about one email a week. I've told him this is a big thing for me (major trigger) because he was fond of emailing the OW more than once a day. I keep having this thought run through my head, if he could do it for her, why can't he do it for me?

Anyway...I'm at the end of my rope...I'm not happy...and I want to be free to pursue happiness elsewhere. He's not all THAT great a guy that I have to put up with this hurt ...and cheating too? But I thought I need to warn him that I am getting close to a decision. I'll be watching and waiting till the end of the month, if things don't change at least a little, I have to start moving on. And I will ask him to move out by the end of February. So I thought I'd send him email.

As luck would have it, it bounced back (mispelled address). Should I send it? Should I reword it?

My motivation for sending it is to give him the choice to change or get off the pot. Of course I would love for him to change, but if that doesn't happen, then I move on. Is my motivation in the right place, or is this manipulation and LBing?


"I debated on sending you another message because I was afraid by reminding you or mentioning to you my wants and needs would effect your behavior for a short time again and give me false hope. But then I thought if I don't tell you what is going on with me then it would be dishonest. Oh well, here goes...

I am not happy, have not been for awhile, and I've
told you I'm not happy and have asked you to be more giving of yourself. I'm tired of waiting for some of my most important emotional needs to be met by you so I will seek them elsewhere. Not sure how this will work, but I've been thinking about it for a while.

I have also given myself a time limit for how long I am willing to put up with being unhappy and I will ask you to leave at the end of the time limit if I'm not any closer to getting happier and getting what I need."


Update, just got off the phone with him and he got mad at me because I asked him to do something he doesn't want to do. Told him he doesn't HAVE to do anything. He said...Yes I do, or you'll get mad. I told him I promised I won't get mad anymore. He seemed happy with that. How do I let him know I'm close to giving up.

Hi StillHere,

There are some very wise souls that hang out in GQII, and I'm sure some of them will chime in with awesome advice, suggestions, and encouragement.

It sounds from the tone of your post like you are down to your very last ounce of strength to keep hanging in there in your marriage, and it's clear something needs to change. So I'd say yes, send the email.

I would change one thing, however.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm tired of waiting for some of my most important emotional needs to be met by you so I will seek them elsewhere. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To me that sounds a bit like "tit for tat" and trying to get even. I'd say something more like "I'm tired of waiting for some of my most important emotional needs to be met by you so I will seek out an opportunity to heal and become a healthier person on my own."

You do need to try to get your H to understand how desperate you've become; hang in there for just a wee bit longer to give others a chance to chime in, perhaps?

Thanks TH for the fast reply. I will hold off on this. I may talk with my H some tonight.

Our last phone convo he sensed something was wrong. I was fuming but holding back, he spent half the time on the phone either coughing into the receiver or yelling at the kids...grrrrr I asked him to hold his head away. At least it's better than the burping he used to do.

When I say I'm looking for another outlet I didn't mean it like a threat (although I feel very vulnerable to an A right now). I would like to find a woman email penpal I could converse with. I have devoted so much time and attention on my M and neglected my friendships, and my H can't be it all for me...but then I feel like if I seek out attention elsewhere I am taking away from time we would have together...

I have had a similar discussion with him a couple of times over the past few months...I'm thinking he doesn't take me seriously.

I'm wondering if I need to get on my own for awhile, stop relying on him for ENs, stop getting my feelings hurt.

Still here I think you doing everything right. My only suggestion is that I wouldn't fume about things but get them out in the open. When I fume it eats me up but doesn't do anything for the M. My H is the same way I tell him how I feel and what I need and he gets mad that I'm "making" him do it. I give the same reply that its his choice but its something I need. Usually after my H calms down he realizes its not attack against him and does it or begins to try at least.
I can honestly say i was at the same place you are 2-4 weeks ago and it has gotten better since. Of course there are still those days I question why, but the more I'm able to ask for what I want and express myself in other ways the easier it gets. I also am trying to get him to express what he needs in the same way. Some days I'll ask "what do you need today" and he'll say buy some soap etc etc and I'll say no I mean what can I do to make you day easier or less stressfull.
km4

OK, I'm feeling a little better today. H sensing my anger and frustration was kind last night and willing to bend over backwards. I didn't say much to him, but kind of left him alone...was aloof. I had checked out "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" by the Harley's from the library last week and had asked H to read it (or at least skim it to see if there was anything helpful.) It's not been touched until Sunday when he was sitting at the table and had picked up one of the kid's library books, I handed him this book. He said he didn't want to read it. I reminded him (probably angrily) that one of the terms he promised to come home to was that he would do reading about marriage and relationships (has done none). He sat down and read about 10 pages. I left to go somewhere.

Last night as we're laying in bed I hand him something fun to read...then pull it back and say no, this is mine. Then my last words to him were "If I left tomorrow, are you confident you have done everything possible to make this a good marriage?" He said "No". Then he went downstairs and got the book to read...even read some.

This seems to be the way we cycle. I have expectations of the way I want a M to go, I ask for them, he agrees, but then never takes action until I remind/nag him, he does something about it until I get off his back, then he drops it until I "remind" him again. I don't like being a nag. I don't like feeling helpless and waiting to be paid attention to, or feeling I give more than I receive. I know it has a great deal to do with my expectations. Do I expect too much? Sometimes I've thought so, but after reading more from this site I realize I have expected and lived with too little. Which brings me to the point of wanting to get out. I know I am ripe for an A. I would never do it, and am not seeking it. I would like to be free to find happiness with someone else. So I will change the message I send to H.

Dear H,

I am unhappy and have been unhappy for awhile. I have expected you to act and be a person that you are not and I know that is unfair. I cannot want happiness for myself at the expense of your happiness. I know you are not happy with me either. We are pretending a good marriage for the sake of the children and not being lonely.

I don't want to dissolve our marriage, but I don't want to live the way it's going. We have both said we will change, and we have a bit, but have gotten right back into old patterns and habits. It seems we change long enough to make the other person happy for a time, and then we go back. I don't know what to do. I feel I'm running out of time and I am losing my love for you.

Thanks km4 for your reply and suggestions. I am pretty good at asking for what I want, but I get tired of doing it after awhile because I get disappointed. He will promise to do (or not do) something, and then forget about it later. I know I'm living with a passive-aggresive man, but knowing this doesn't make it any easier to live with.

I have asked him what he wants from me...he can't tell me. For 6 months he can't think of anything. His usual answer to anything is "I don't know".

I have to admit, I was showing him a great deal of attention and love, and when I wasn't getting it in return I have curbed it. I know I should keep it up, but it is hurtful to not be loved in reciprocation.

OK, H sent me a message back...rare, I usually get one email a week (if that) and he's sent 2 today.


"Dear Still,
What was it about me that you fell in love with enough to marry me? What did I do then that I can do now to enhance your happiness? I do not think we are sliding back into our old habits, because I am not that same person any longer. I think you need to find what it is about me that you would like to see me repeat, or renew again. And also, I am doing well at being happy with you. What needs do you think I am missing out on for you? I know I am not very communicative sometimes, and that I tend to get angry when pushed. Please preach hope from now on, not doom."