Well, this is long and confusing to me, but as I read all the other posts, I guess I realize how "common" my situation is despite thinking it so "uncommon" before. Here it goes.

Married for 7 years (no kids), after a long engagement. I had doubts about us before getting married, but the momentum and pressure won the day. Life after marriage was bad. Our R was at a low point, but we learned to exist with each other. Intimacy was nonexistant for years. I had urges for A, but never acted before. So when I got to know a co-worker, well it is the same story as told in the boards. She (the OW) met my ENs and more. It played on my fears of never being happy in my existing R. Fears I have had years before the A. I still knew it was wrong and I had a tremendous amount of guilt because of it.

In short, the A ended and I have not seen the OW in 7 months, but their is intermittent contact, mostly via e-mail. The ending of it was mutual. I still have strong feelings for OW, but I do realize that ending my current and going with the OW will probably have the same result. I have determined that I must come to grips with myself first. I have always thought my W is a great person, but for a decade, there has been no spark. We have both failed at the R and the work that it needs. W does not know about the A. I am hesitant to tell despite knowing it is not only the right thing to do but also the best thing to do. I want to enter myself into counseling. I need to re-learn skills at communicating and problem solving. Although I do not feel a draw to my W, something inside of me feels it can come back. Can it come back?

I feel like a monster with what I have done. At first I justified it, but then I saw through that. There is no way to justify it. It is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. The more I started questioning myself and my thoughts, the more the "FOG" lifted. Now I am trying to piece things back together.

How can I piece it back?

You need to have NC with OW. Otherwise you can not work on your marriage, or have any hope of saving it. Then you must start counseling and let your wife know what has happened. This is the MB plan. It is now time to change your marriage for the better.

Dear GOT,
GOOD FOR YOU!!! that YOU ened your affair (before you were found out). Mine didn't go that way. As a FWW I would definately agree with believer that you should enter into individual therapy, not only for communication skills, but also for the depression that may eventually come you way from having NC with OP. Also, Believer is absolutely right in that whatever the consequences, you MUST tell your spouse about your A, because if she should somehow find out about it before you tell her, the consequences could be even more devastating, both to you and to her.

You don't really land in one piece. You crash and shatter and then put the pieces back together. - and if you are still in contact, the fog has not completely lifted. Happily for you, you are in the right place. Harley specializes in showing people what to do to regain that spark, or get a spark if they never had one (like in our case). However, recovery starts with honesty. Read: Why tell? Then click on the link in my signature line. The signature line link was written for betrayed spouses, but the advice is practically the same for WS's

Thanks all for the time taken to read and reply. This website has been a such a wonderful gift to arm me with insight into my situation and has already gone a long way to helping me rebuild. I will give an example: It has been so hard for me to discuss with my W our relationship, but recently we have been talking about it. Most importantly, I can feel an urge inside of me to work on it. That urge has been absent for so long. Reading the posts here has planted that seed because I now see hope where I thought none existed (which was a condition that I believe I used to justify the A in the beginning).

I do believe that I had already gone through the depression of NC with OW (altough there are still intermittent sterile emails). My heart has now settled to a point where I miss the OW to the extent that she was a good friend and someone I can talk to, but I miss the emotions I felt even more. But not necessarily the emotions tied to the OW, but the emotions themeselves. Their is a growing part of me that believes I can have those emotions with my W. I do believe my W is the best thing that has happened to me. Every time I think about OW my thoughts are coupled with a better understanding of what my emotions were made up from (info learned in these posts). So now when I think of the A, it is thought of in terms of how messed up my thinking was, not of how much I miss it.

You are right, all contact must cease and it will. All former messages will be purged, all letters and memerabillia has already been disposed of. I am going to think very hard about the disclosure of it. I have read the links and will re-read them 10 more times. That is a tough step for me, but I do see the value in it.

The depression I currently feel is undoubtedly a result of the guilt I feel and the utter disappointment in myself that I feel. That came after I quit blaming my W for the conditions that existed prior to the A, eventhough she now admits them. The only place the blame game got me was here. Once you get past the self-pity, poor me complex you can begin to function yet again.

Please give me the strength to do what is right.