Sally and Felina,
Both of you sound so much like I did this time last year. I know how you feel...you want to take a magic pill and have it all go away and be okay.

I really don't have anything new to add--just that it will get better with time if you do your part. It has taken me over a year to get to this point. Maintain the NC and work on your marriage. You are not going to be able to accelerate the recovery process too much...but you could slow it way down if you are not careful and give in to the temptation to contact OM. Keep reading and posting. Diane

Hats off to silverthorn! Well said. An A is a very selfish thing, and takes a very thoughtless attitude to startup. Since 95% of A just end. What was the point? They are underground, hurtful to both families, and short lived. Almost like a drug or alcohol addiction. It always seems the so called "friend" is what it started out with, but what kind of a friend pushes forward to ruin a persons life. Theres a big difference between a relationship out in the open and an underground A.

I have yet to see here or in my Life any benefits to an A. I believe the physical attraction of it goes back to peoples first experiences with the opposite sex. The hiding it from Mom and dad with the date. The excitement of not getting caught making out in a parking place. Why not do this with the spouse? If i took up residence with every Jane i get to know through my travels i'd have AIDS by now. Get over it and put your time into your family. Life is tough enough as a H and W team against the world without outsiders causing havic. Good day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

To all those who posted back to me - I added my latest update (a positive one) onto the "Felina" post that Rose started on this board, if you want to read the latest. That way, I'm not mixing up my posts with Sally's.

Felina

Wokeup

You are right. A's have no potential...but while you are in them, you dont think about that...at least I didnt. I was being selfish and taking it for what it gave me, in the moment.

S.

Sally, Hallelujah to that one!!

If only we can get "in the moment" what we need from our H's, we will all be doing fine! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Felina

Hi

Just wondering...do you think that attaining that same passionate exciting feeling that you do with OM is possible to have in your marriage?

Maybe it isn't? IT is so different. I am positive that the feeling with OM would, after time, wear off as well.

Maybe people have A's not because they are lacking that passion in their marriage, but because they can only get that passion through a "not-right" or "on the side" relationship.

Do you understand what I am saying? I may not be wording it right.

I guess I mean the excitement that comes with an A maybe can never be found in a marriage.

Just a thought.

S.

Sally, I definitely agree with you in a lot of respects. I have had two M's - both where I failed and had an A. At least half of the excitement is sneaking around, doing the worst sin, and not getting caught. It's a huge power trip, and adrenaline rush (why do you think people commit crimes repeatedly?). Even the times that I knew I was going to meet OM in a couple days - the adrenaline kept me pumped up that whole time. No - I don't think I will ever experience that adrenaline rush and power trip with my H.

I think you have to accept that and look for the more realistic positive experiences that you can have with your H and focus on them. The other thing I try is to find positive ways, via recreational activities, to have that adrenaline rush. For me it's riding and jumping horses. I haven't had time for that in the past few months, so that is frustrating too. I also bought a punching bag that I am going to set up. I think that when I am getting that devious and trapped feeling, I will take it out on the punching bag instead of on another guy.

Keep your chin up- we'll figure this out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Felina

It is called maturity. Finding peace and happiness in a more adult and socially acceptable fashion. Finding the great feeling of making cookies with your children as your husband calls you on the phone. Finding the excitement of surprising your spouse with a thought or gift that brings a tear to his eye.

Children and teenagers get their kicks from rebelling. Adults have responsibilities far and away beyond those of children. However, often, adults are merely adult in age and teenage in abilities and character. Repeated behavior is especially one that shows immaturity. Not learning from a mistake brings the knowledge that the repercussions to the person for the first mistake were not severe enough to incur change. Hence... affair number 2 in marriage number 2.

The issue with today, in my opinion, is that there is NO significant consequence to socially held norms, vows, and morals. Anyone, at anytime can do whatever they choose, without significant responsibility being placed upon them. If a company broke a contract like so many spouses break their 'contract', there would be severe penalties. However, in today's society, we all look on everything as a 'learning experience' and have begun an era of 'I am just learning not to be too hard on myself.' as a national mantra. We look at our self esteem so clearly as how we perceive ourselves through our eyes only. We are so caught up on our perception of ourselves, that we are unable to see how we interact with the rest of the world. We harangue others for doing exactly what we do on a daily basis.

Then when we do something that really causes issue within our society, family, marriage... we simply justify it, rationalize it, say "I wasn't happy" "It is more interesting, exciting, and LOVING. When I do it MY way, therefor it is OK."

Society holds no one to standards today. That is a given. No one will say, 'You are wrong and responsible for your actions, and there are ramifications to those actions.' Divorce splits everything 'equally' regardless of what happened or who 'broke' the contract. No one wants to take any responsibility and say, 'You did this, this is what you get in return.' It is just too hard.... So we do nothing.

Sarie and Felina;

THanks for your replies. I know fully that the best way and the right way is to do things fill that time that OM occupied.

But when I look inside myslef, I just KNOW that nothing is going to replace or match or fufill that void. Because hobbies and activites wont do it, it's just not the same.

I think only time will fix this.

ONe thing I have learned is that we were not in LOVE with eachother (OM and I) and that the A was and exciting peppy boost to the average same old same old day. If I continued to require that, I would be going from one A to another.

For some reason, I enjoyed the compliments from another man moreso then from my H. WHen my H compliments me, it just kinda goes in one ear and out the other.

But to feel desired by other men, as awful as it sounds, was so great.

Maybe it's more a self esteem issue then a lacking in my marriage?

I dont know the answer..but I am just being honest with my feelings here...trying to figure out what I so need and desire form someone other then my H.

THanks.

S.

Sallie would you also say that the compliments you received from the OM had more meaning because you viewed them coming from a man that found you attractive while your H's made you view him as simply your children's father and room mate?

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 11:05 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

TMCM

short answer, yes.

However, his comments (H's) werent only ones directed towards my childrearing, or my housecleaning. He often praises my physical beauty. He is very sexual as well and praises me in that manner as well.

Does this shed some insight on the potential "problem" I have with myself that may contribute in part to my eagerly pursing the A...bear with me for a second...after 3 kids and breatfeeding all of them, the last for a year, my breasts took a beating...turned into to shriveled up raisins.....I took the time to begin working out, got myslef into great shape, and yet they remained.

1 year after I weaned my daughter I had breast implants. My husband was not "for" the idea because of the surgical risks but now absoultely loves them.

After this I had felt that my body was more "acceptable" and that I like myself better. A few months later the first girls night out, and of course, the A.

Now the A is over, things are tough, I dont like me and my situation (albeit self-inflicted) and I am considering liposuction because I look in the mirror and hate what I see.

My husband says absolutely not....he thinks that next it will be something else I hate about me, or someone else that makes me feel great, just o sleep with me (he refuses to believe there was any feelings on the OM's behalf for me other then to use me).

Does this all contribute to my awful actions? Am I doomed? Or , am I reading into this more then I should be?

Just searching for simple explanations to a rather complex situation I suppose....

thanks
S.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sally2003:My husband says absolutely not....he thinks that next it will be something else I hate about me, or someone else that makes me feel great, just to sleep with me (he refuses to believe there was any feelings on the OM's behalf for me other then to use me).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your H does have a point in that the OM DID use you (just like you used him) to sleep with you. Don't discount the possibility that the OM continued e-mailing you with the sole purpose of once again getting together with you for more sex at a later point in time. While you may view him as a close friend, he may view you as something quite far less.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does this all contribute to my awful actions? Am I doomed? Or , am I reading into this more then I should be?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No you are not doomed for you have done many positive things towards rebuilding your marriage (ended the affair, confessed to your H, and ended contact with the OM). Sallie there is nothing wrong with wanting to look good, but as your H points out, in your case it could be a way of dealing with something emotionally pathological. Are in going to IC(individual counseling) right now? If you aren't then I humbly suggest that you consider doing so.

Good luck and God bless.

Sally, none of your posts indicate if you're religious, if you are, please pray, even if you're not, please pray!

Remember all the positive things about yourself, then think of the A for what it was, an unkind selfish action that could have serious negative consequences for all those involved. It's like eating too many sweets, yeah they taste good, and you can get your body to accept them all the time and if you're young enough, your body won't suffer any consequences. But unless you stop it now, then the damage that was done will not be able to be reversed. Everything to do with the A was a lie, I know that sounds harsh, but it was.

It's real easy to get caught up in the emotions in an A because you've created an escape valve from the realities of life. But that's all it is, an escape valve. If you haven't yet, please read Dr. Harley's book about Surviving an Affair, that will give you some insight in how YOU can recover.

No TMCM, not in IC nor MC.

I know I should look into it though, just havent.

I think because it really was me (yes, me) who pushed for the meeting day SO hard, when he was unsure and didnt accept the "invitation" right off the bat makes me feel that it wasn't just based on sex for him.

I really think the talks were genuine on both our sides.

Maybe I'm stupid. I do belive though I did get MORE attached and that he is not suffering as I am.

No nitasbabygirl, I am not religous.

Thanks.
S

Sally

When a person has an affair they will frequently try on new behaviors. If they were timid about sex, they will be more out spoken and aggressive. If they were quiet and withdrawn in the marriage they will be talkative and outgoing. People have a hard time understanding how to change their behavior within the structure of a marriage because of time and repetition and boredom and frequently go outside the marriage to “try on” new behaviors.

When an affair occurs what you must do is to understand what about yourself did you “like” during the affair. What new behaviors did you like? What new attitudes did you take on? What new ways of expressing passion did you enjoy?

Then take those behaviors and integrate them into your marriage. Find ways to experience the same degree of excitement or passion or sexual fulfillment. This is the creative and fun part because you and H can dream up all kinds of wonderfully exciting and naughty things to do. Marriage should be happy and filled with laughter and excitement. All to often we sort of put our marriage on autopilot and behave like our parent did when they were 80…. Yuk!

I say go for it! Do everything you have ever wanted to do just do it with husband. Talking about this reminds me of my wife who had a particular fondness for the excitement of getting “caught.” If you think about this you can easily come up with a half dozen ideas very quickly. I would leave it up to her to select the location since this was her fantasy and I would be the willing participant.

You can make your marriage just as exciting and passionate as you want it to be. It’s all in your head.

Hahaha

Beau

Beau

Thanks for your words and advice.

I am gonna go out on a limb here seeing as none of you truly "know" me.

I have to disagree 100% about the sex comment. For someone else's situation I would say that what you said Beau was very true. In my case, and this makes stuff harder for me to understand, we have a VERY fufilling sex life.

We have done everything and more...and brace yourselves here, the year before my affair I even was with another woman (My husband ultimate fantasy) with my husband there (not paticipating though).

So once again I MUST say to you all that this affair was not about what was lacking in my bedroom.

There are so many facits to this and I really hope I will get to the root problem eventually.

Thanks.

Forgive me for playing amateur shrink here but do you think you may be afraid that your womanhood is being supplanted by motherhood? If you were 10 years older I would suspect that you were going through a midlife crisis.

possibly

formerly confused,

your point has a lot of merit - I agree that there are no societal pressures to not commit adultery unless you are religious - and more and more people, it seems are hedging away from that it seems.

None of my friends judged me badly for what I did (in fact, when it was going on, they felt bad for me that my H treated me how he did, not for H for being betrayed - and of course, none of them came to him to let him know what was going on), spouse forgave me readily because I stopped, my Mom actually condoned the A, and told me ways to keep secret....

Now, if I lived in Africa where some of the countries have new laws that adulterous women get buried up to their neck and then get stoned to death - I sure as H**l wouldn't have had the A. BUT THIS IS AMERICA!!!!

I didn't finish the last one - don't know why it sent, and don't know how to edit ---

BUT THIS IS AMERICA!!! And even the president can get BJ's and get away with it.

Sally, I think you are on the right track to keep questioning things. That is the only way to get to the bottom of everything and rebuild in a new more positive way. Keep up the good work - I agree with TMCM - get at least some individual counseling. It has helped me a lot, but boy do I have a long way to go!

Felina