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Jen.. I read your post... I am thrilled that he is doing SOMETHING even if that something is signing the dam papers... God he is such an back handed attemptor at manipulation... He figured it was over when he got those papers. "that's funny, said Jen back to her husband, ...I thought it was over when I asked you again and again to work on this marriage with me...and to see me other than just for SF.... hmmmmm very interesting mused Jen..." asked him before we parted this morning if he still planned to sign everything today, and he said yes, I asked why, and he said because I sent them to him, so he's going to sign them. "ohhh really huh..said Jen...that's so interesting to me....I sent them because every time I asked you work on our marriage you didn't want to...I sent them because I had no idea that you were interested in being married to me..when I have been telling you over and over how I wanted to work this out..." How when he got home from his x-mas trip, he hoped to find maybe a card or phone message from me, but found none. "That's amazing said Jen again...because I was hoping that when YOU got home from your trip YOU would call me....or that YOU would have called from your trip....and here you think it is all up to me to continue doing the same things I have been doing all along..." He said he's felt sick inside for a long time. Jen said that must be a terrible way to feel...what are YOU going to about it... Jen... you have given him chance after chance after chance... and still today he is not responsible for anything... he is signing because you must want him to... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> he didn't call you didn't or did do this or that because of you...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Jen I know you are hurting...but you should not be mourning your marriage..mourn the lack of growth and insight your husband has in to anything.... EVEN his signing is because you made him or because he blames you... ohhh I am sorry and sad for you... but you deserve so much better...and that better may be him..but not today he isn't ... he doesn't get it at all.... he doesn't get it at all.... he is not good marriage material... he doesnt' get it at all... this is not to rally you on to be happy about your divorce...but that's what is sad about this...not the stupid papers.... he wants a marriage...well dammit he has to fight and work at it...with actions not words... his words are empty... ark...who is sad for you...miss jenn brown...
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Ark^^ thank you SOOOO much for posting that. I REALLY needed to read that. My rational side seems to have taken a vacation in the last 12 hours or so.....you are right, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">[if] he wants a marriage...well dammit he has to fight and work at it...with actions not words...
his words are empty... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">.
I guess the big emotional pain I'm going through is the suddenness of this. Like one person said to me, it's like having a band-aid ripped off.
Thanks again ark^^ for your rationality, throughout the past year and a half (especially when I've lost my own rationality!).
Jen
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Jen - I hope this is the release you have been praying for. You are at the point of no return when he signs those papers - any second-guessing isn't gonna cut it at this point. I'm not saying you weren't justified in doing this but live with your decision and move on. Release him as you release yourself. I disagree with ark - I think it is perfectly normal to mourn your loss and don't feel guilty for doing so. It is a great loss anytime a M is lost. Feel free to grieve but have an eye toward the future as you rebuild your life. God bless you and grant you peace!
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Jen... you are one of my favorite irrational people I know.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Jen you have challenged us back...when our advice sounds glib and easy.. you have made us think....as we have watched you think about this or that... and once or twice you told us all to piss off... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> tremendous growth... ARK
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^: and once or twice you told us all to piss off... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nah, I beleive she told us folks that were harping on her to go to Plan B to 'put a sock in it'. [ I tried to put a sock in it but found that it clashed with my double breasted, black business suit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ]
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Jen - double ditto to ARK.
I'll predict that you will one day look back at this moment as the moment you were set free. We all knew long ago that he was not worthy of you.
I, for one, believe you can go forward guilt free and better off.
WAT
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Jen always remember that a marriage takes two people to make it work and that despite your best efforts to save it, your stbxh did not want the same. Even if you did not have your short PA, your marriage was in such bad shape that eventually it would have resulted in the divorce that is now facing you. For the time being realize that it is perfectly normal that you grieve the loss of your marriage but that in time you will heal and move on to a much better life. And remember that you have all your pals here(including this clown) to help support you and give you an occasional loving whack with our virtual 2x4's. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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Hey Jen,
I was Dv once upon a time, about 8 or 10 years ago. I had tried everything in that M, but my H simply was NOT interested in contributing. He liked the house in the 'burbs, the 2.3 children, the 1 cat and 1 dog. He didn't like coming home, or talking to me, or hearing why I felt like a single Mom who wasn't allowed to date. I kept at it for about three years after he checked out emotionally (the M lasted 11 years total) and finally just gave up.
I mourned the death of the marriage heavily, but not because it was a marriage I wanted any part of. That point was long past. I mourned it because at one time I'd had such high hopes for it, and I had poured so much of myself into it over the years. Although I knew it was over (and welcomed the freedom from it), it still hurt to know he simply didn't care enough to put effort into our M, when I had wanted that so badly.
It's the last big rejection you'll suffer at his hands, Jen.
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Thank-you everyone for your words of encouragement and support. I too hope that this day is the moment when I begin to feel as though I've been set free, free from guilt and from manipulation too. I do feel that I did all that I could, but my H just didn't have it in him to put in the effort required to even begin to make it work. I grieved some last night, and quite a bit this morning, and honestly at this point tonight, I feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders. I feel done with it all, at least right now I feel that way anyway. Phew!
Now I am just going to wait to hear confirmation from my lawyer that my H really did sign all of the papers, and hand over the cheque etc. (Quite honestly, I won't believe he did it until I see it for myself, even if he showed me the papers and the registered cheque yesterday; gee whiz my trust for him is at an all time low.)
Jen
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Hi Jen Hope you are feeling better </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess the big emotional pain I'm going through is the suddenness of this. Like one person said to me, it's like having a band-aid ripped off. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hummm maybe is not a band-aid being ripped off, but you are finally putting that band-aid on. Separating your hurt from the exterior (H), and finally allowing it to heal <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ... Just a thought. The band-aid will fall off naturally...
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Jen, just wanted to let you know that I dropped you a post on D/D.
God bless.
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Jen I know it's hard - been there, done that, got the t-shirt and the DV <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It will get easier, and I see nothing in your posts on D/D that suggests your H is willing to change and be the H you deserve. He used you again for sex, maybe you used him too, but don't let that stop you thinking clearly and moving forward. Signing papers and then getting them in the post doesn't mean that your feelings stop. They'll still be there, but with time, it does become easier. Wishing you well Jen. Lisa
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Hey there Lisa and FH and matilde, good to hear from you all. I am SOOOO much better than I was Wed. a.m. I'm looking forward to moving on with my life! Yesterday, I emailed my H to ask him if he did indeed sign all of the papers and when they would be in my lawyer's hands and his reply was yes, and within one day. Now my perspective on this is YAY, he is being very cooperative and isn't stalling things, and so it looks like I'll be Ms. Jen, not Mrs. John, in 4-6 weeks, or at the outside 2 months. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm free to do what I want any old time....I'm free to sing my song though it gets out of time .....I'm free to choose what I please any old time....I'm free any old time to get what I want, yes I am! - Rolling Stones</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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Good girl Jen!!!!
You will still have ups and downs. I don't anymore - but I did for quite a while as the DV progressed through. Even after when Pound Man moved in with Shiney Head it was a kick in the teeth. That still rankles a bit, but the point is, I'm not consumed by it anymore, and neither will you be. You can actually realise that there are still good things out there and (with time) people too, and the whole world it's a huge old place - it's fun, exciting, scarey. All of those things.
Keep us posted on how you're doing.
Lisa
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