I have a question regarding revenge. I'm pretty sure my H has fantasized about getting revenge – maybe early on against me but more likely against the OM. One of the things I fell short on was talking to H about how much I hate the OM and plotting ways of getting him (OM) back. I felt this was too dangerous so wouldn’t participate. My feeling was it could get out of hand if we acted out one little harmless fantasy revenge, and then another and then maybe another that to us seemed harmless – like letting the air out of his tires, resulting in OM getting into a car accident with his kids in the car. This is what I said to H about why I wouldn’t engage in this type of conversation. He felt I was protecting the OM and thus had more loyalty towards OM. H said he is smart enough to know better. In my opinion, H has so much anger that he may do something he regrets and I didn’t want to test this theory and have it go badly.

So my question – would most BS enjoy this type of conversation. I read on other boards about the revenge activities aimed towards the OP and the WS – some of it very scary. Maybe it’s justified but I always thought that was counter-productive to reconciling a marriage. More likely I’m trying to protect myself from a public display that would announce to anybody nearby of what I am and what I did.

I could be wrong. This could well be a therapeutic activity necessary in healing. As long as none of it is acted out. I’m just curious about what others think on this.

Typist,

I think the feelings you are having are normal, but to "act" on them would be a mistake.

It's not healthy to focus on the OP. The OP didn't belong in your life in the 1st place, so why would you keep his image alive in your marriage now?

I see no good that can come of focusing your attention on such negativity. Time is much better spent rebuilding your marriage.

Having said all of this, there was a time that I used to have revenge thoughts, but I never acted on them. I'm almost 2 years into recovery and looking back - anything I would have done wouldn't have been a reflection of who I truly am.

NC in my opinion includes no revenge! CSue

Hi typist,

Speaking for myself,I certainly have had my share of "fantasies" where I hurt the OW but it is fleeting and I would never actually do something like that just as sure as I know I would never have an affair.I am acutely aware of the pain it would cause and it is wrong.

I think it is human nature to want to hurt back that which hurts you so many of us BS may feel like retaliating because we are hurt.But it would just bring us down to their depraved level to actually implement some kind of damage to them or their belongings.I don't think talking about it is therapeutic either.Although most people that know about my WH A now would like to see the OW "disappear" but they are just angry and hurt too.

O

As a man, I must tell you that we may think differently. It is a matter of honor and is perhaps the worst offense that we can receive. In my case, neither one of us had been with another person since we come from conservative backgrounds and a culture where infidelity is harshly reprimanded by family members. The OM seduced her and painted castles in the sky for her, made her believe things and when he got what he wanted, he called it all a mistake and did not want anything to do with her. In the meantime, a pure and clean marriage was severly damage as was the future of small children. I no loner want to be with her, but since she does not work and to maintain the security of the children, I am forced to stay. So, getting that devil his due is very tempting, but I do not dwell in it because I wonder how he may hurt her family, which he suggested he may do.
While a woman may think of doing things to the OP's car, men would directly confront the person and it may turn physical. But then again, one is prevented from doing anything because you would be considered the aggresor although the reality is that you were initially attacked by the OP. My suggestion is, do not feed his revenge thoughts which must be strong.

i seen my wife today with om and he wanted to fight me. and it almost got out of hand and i would of been in jail. my wife to the other man no. but he wanted to be a bigshot show off.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Typist:
<strong> I have a question regarding revenge. I'm pretty sure my H has fantasized about getting revenge &#8211; maybe early on against me but more likely against the OM. One of the things I fell short on was talking to H about how much I hate the OM and plotting ways of getting him (OM) back. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't understand what you mean. You say you are "pretty sure" that your H has fantasized about getting revenge. Why are you "pretty sure" and so what? Wouldn't that be the normal thing to do?

And I don't understand what you mean when you say you "fell short" in talking to the H about "how much I hate the OM and plotting ways of getting him (OM) back." What exactly does that mean? How is it FALLING SHORT to "plot" revenge? Is this WS code for you have actually been DEFENDING the WS or have been silent all this time?

If you hate the OM, you have expressed this to your H, right?

<,You say you are "pretty sure" that your H has fantasized about getting revenge. Why are you "pretty sure" and so what? Wouldn't that be the normal thing to do?>>

Saying "I&#8217;m pretty sure" isn&#8217;t correct &#8211; I&#8217;m very sure as I read about it on his other board. Well, I guess reading how he&#8217;d like do things to the OM&#8217;s car so it&#8217;s crashes is pretty normal. I fantasize about his friends who tell him that I&#8217;m not worth keeping. And these aren&#8217;t nice fantasies so maybe it is normal to have these thoughts. Maybe it&#8217;s healthy as well since we play it out in our minds only and it feels good to get that revenge. Sorry, didn&#8217;t mean to upset you or ask a stupid question.

<<And I don't understand what you mean when you say you "fell short" in talking to the H about "how much I hate the OM and plotting ways of getting him back." What exactly does that mean? How is it FALLING SHORT to "plot" revenge? Is this WS code for you have actually been DEFENDING the WS or have been silent all this time?>>

This is what my H said to me (fell short &#8211; as in not doing enough). That when I don&#8217;t say enough negative things about the OM that I&#8217;m protecting him. I don&#8217;t know of any WS code. Maybe you can enlighten me ML.

I haven&#8217;t been silent about what the OM did to me. I agree he lied to me and used me for his own gain and have shared this with my H. But it makes me nervous when my H would like to actually do things to him. Maybe this is normal, but to me and I am a WS afterall and maybe still in a bit of a fog, it&#8217;s a bit scary.

So actually ML, I&#8217;m not sure what YOU mean by me having this WS code by which I am defending the WS?

And to answer your last question ... Yes I have said I hate the OM. And I do hate him.

Typist, so the facts are that your H has talked about hurting/killing the OM and is mad at you because you won't participate in this talk? Can you describe the last such conversation you had about harming the OM? What did you both say?

Does he want to kill the OM and has he actually said that? Or is this just typical, normal "talk" against someone who betrayed him horribly? Can you tell the difference?

Here's a good revenge method that is worth a laugh and reduces stress, but doesn't hurt anybody. If you are REALLY stressed, you could put a picture on your desktop as you use this.
http://www.gemtree.com/prog_fav.htm
Go to "Desktop Games", which also mentions the words "stress reducer". Download the program and you will have tools with sound effects to use to let off some emotion. There is a hammer , machine gun, chainsaw, termites, and a few others. Very satisfying! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<<-Typist, so the facts are that your H has talked about hurting/killing the OM and is mad at you because you won't participate in this talk? Can you describe the last such conversation you had about harming the OM? What did you both say?>>

ML &#8211; I can see that I am totally wrong in my thinking. I cannot remember the exact facts or the last time I talked about killing the OM and I also can&#8217;t give you exact details -- so this is probably just in my head (the fog really does a number on people like me). Thank you for helping to see things as they should be.

<<Does he want to kill the OM and has he actually said that? Or is this just typical, normal "talk" against someone who betrayed him horribly? Can you tell the difference?>>

Again, I can&#8217;t give exact details on this, somehow in my head I&#8217;ve got it that my H wants to get revenge on the OM in a very bad way &#8211; and maybe this very normal. Or it could all in my head and not a reality. As for typical normal &#8220;talk&#8221;, again, I don&#8217;t know. Maybe this sort of talk is very normal for you ML but to me it&#8217;s a bit scary. For the most part, it&#8217;s ME &#8211; TYPIST &#8211; that betrayed him horribly, so what you are saying is that it&#8217;s normal for my H to have fantasies about getting revenge on the person who betrayed him.