here's my story so far:
ironbeast...newlywed in distress

Today's my 28th birthday and I'm in plan A. I've told wife about cutting off all contact with OM (ex BF) and she first said "but it's not nice after I've told him he can be my friend" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ....then "I know , he wouldn't want to see me sporadically, a phone call here, a short meeting there"...she got me some lovely gifts, just what I wanted and wrote me three great cards, one with a poem in it. I checked her phone and she talked with OM 3 times yesterday (he called her). I used to believe her when she used to say "he wouldn't call me if I didn't want him to" but now I don't believe anything. She told me on the way to work (she's a med stdent) that she has to be on call on Monday night until 12:30am and then back on call at 6:00am...this may well be true but I have no way of verifying that without getting caught snooping. Since we don't live close to her current hospital she's going to spend the night at the doctor's room. I want to bring her back but I don't have a driver's license yet (here in the UK)...trains would work but she doesn't feel like it. I could go with my father in law and get her but she might be irked by that. Here are my questions

Since I'm in plan A and it's going reasonably well do I ask her about the phone calls? Is that an LB?

Do I make all the preparations for her to be back home on Monday night and then tell her? She will of course accuse me of being suspicious...would that be an LB? My FIL is elderly but if he sleeps early then we can go get her in the middle of the night. Need some suggestions!

just called and told my dad-in-law and he readily agreed to go with me and bring my W home. More than the possibility of a meeting, I hate spending nights without my W in my arms.

IB,

YOUR WIFE STIILL SOUNDS EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO HER EX.

I THINK YOU NEED TO BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS...RIGHT NOW I WOULDN'T MENTION THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT HER CALLS FROM HIM...I MAY BE GIVING YOU ILL ADVICE BUT IF SHE IS STILL ATTACHED TO HIM, SHE IS AT RISK OF HAVING AN AFFAIR.

ALL YOU CAN DO IS BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE...ARE YOU STILL TALKING TO YOUR EX? ARE HIS FEELINGS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MINE? CAN YOU PLEASE STOP CONTACTING HIM? WATCH AND WAIT AND SEE. YOU COULD ALSO ASK HER TO SEND THE LETTER WHERE SHE ASKS HIM TO STOP ALL CONTACT. THAT WOULD BE GREAT FOR THE TWO OF YOU IF SHE WOULD DO THAT.

BUT I THINK YOU ARE IN FOR A LONG HAUL...SINCE YOUR WIFE IS A MED STUDENT, SHE WILL BE SPENDING MANY HOURS AWAY FROM YOU, INCLUDING NIGHTS. YOU HAVE TO GET USED TO THAT....MAYBE A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR IS IN ORDER? IT WILL BE HARD TO FEEL SECURE WHEN SHE IS AWAY FROM YOU ESPECIALLY IF SHE IS CONTACTING HER EX OR ANY OM FOR THAT MATTER.

GOING TO PICK HER UP SEEMS LIKE YOU ARE TREATING HER LIKE A CHILD (THIS IS JUST MY OPINION). SHE IS AN ADULT AND IS GOING TO MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS. SHE WILL BE TIRED AFTER A 12 HOUR SHIFT AND THEN YOU WILL BE TAKING AWAY FROM HER REST IF SHE HAS TO TRAVEL TO AND FRO.

JUST BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR FEARS AND CONCERNS. TALK TO HER.

Another point...my wife is young and doesn't or doesn't want to grasp the concept of love...she is too caught up in emotions and doesn't think about consequences...to her if love means doing something as opposed to just "feeling love" it's not true love. I feel that she's having her cake and eating it too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by truelove?:
<strong> IB,

YOUR WIFE STIILL SOUNDS EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO HER EX.

I THINK YOU NEED TO BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS...RIGHT NOW I WOULDN'T MENTION THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT HER CALLS FROM HIM...I MAY BE GIVING YOU ILL ADVICE BUT IF SHE IS STILL ATTACHED TO HIM, SHE IS AT RISK OF HAVING AN AFFAIR.

ALL YOU CAN DO IS BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE...ARE YOU STILL TALKING TO YOUR EX? ARE HIS FEELINGS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MINE? CAN YOU PLEASE STOP CONTACTING HIM? WATCH AND WAIT AND SEE. YOU COULD ALSO ASK HER TO SEND THE LETTER WHERE SHE ASKS HIM TO STOP ALL CONTACT. THAT WOULD BE GREAT FOR THE TWO OF YOU IF SHE WOULD DO THAT.

BUT I THINK YOU ARE IN FOR A LONG HAUL...SINCE YOUR WIFE IS A MED STUDENT, SHE WILL BE SPENDING MANY HOURS AWAY FROM YOU, INCLUDING NIGHTS. YOU HAVE TO GET USED TO THAT....MAYBE A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR IS IN ORDER? IT WILL BE HARD TO FEEL SECURE WHEN SHE IS AWAY FROM YOU ESPECIALLY IF SHE IS CONTACTING HER EX OR ANY OM FOR THAT MATTER.

GOING TO PICK HER UP SEEMS LIKE YOU ARE TREATING HER LIKE A CHILD (THIS IS JUST MY OPINION). SHE IS AN ADULT AND IS GOING TO MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS. SHE WILL BE TIRED AFTER A 12 HOUR SHIFT AND THEN YOU WILL BE TAKING AWAY FROM HER REST IF SHE HAS TO TRAVEL TO AND FRO.

JUST BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR FEARS AND CONCERNS. TALK TO HER. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good points TL, I know if I tell her even in a nice way that I'm afraid that she might be spending time with her ex she will either just blow it off or get mad at me...a potential LB I do not want to do. I did have the talk with her and she basically said she would end it but gave me no timetable...I did not mention the letter...should I mention it before Monday? I have just thought about the car ride seeming like I'm treating her like a child...what about a hotel stay near the hospital...could turn it into a romantic night...how is that idea?

AAAH, THE HOTEL STAY COULD BE ROMANTIC, BUT ONCE AGAIN YOU ARE TRYING TO CONTROL HER BEHAVIOR, IN A VERY CUTE, LOVING WAY OF COURSE, BUT THE DECISION IS HERS TO MAKE AND YOUR WHOLE LIFE WITH HER WILL BE ABOUT NIGHTS APART! YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET USED TO IT RIGHT NOW!

ANYHOW, ASKING HER ABOUT WHETHER SHE HAS HAD ANY CONTACT WITH HER EX IS NOT SOMETHING SHE SHOULD GET UPSET ABOUT. IT IS YOUR CONCERN RIGHT NOW AND IT IS OKAY TO HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT IT. ASKING HER TO WRITE THE LETTER IS OKAY AS WELL. THAT IS WHAT ENDING EA'S IS ALL ABOUT! HAS SHE VISITED THE MB WEBSITE? MAYBE YOU CAN IMPLEMENT IT INTO HER LIFE SO SHE CAN UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by truelove?:
<strong> AAAH, THE HOTEL STAY COULD BE ROMANTIC, BUT ONCE AGAIN YOU ARE TRYING TO CONTROL HER BEHAVIOR, IN A VERY CUTE, LOVING WAY OF COURSE, BUT THE DECISION IS HERS TO MAKE AND YOUR WHOLE LIFE WITH HER WILL BE ABOUT NIGHTS APART! YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET USED TO IT RIGHT NOW!

ANYHOW, ASKING HER ABOUT WHETHER SHE HAS HAD ANY CONTACT WITH HER EX IS NOT SOMETHING SHE SHOULD GET UPSET ABOUT. IT IS YOUR CONCERN RIGHT NOW AND IT IS OKAY TO HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT IT. ASKING HER TO WRITE THE LETTER IS OKAY AS WELL. THAT IS WHAT ENDING EA'S IS ALL ABOUT! HAS SHE VISITED THE MB WEBSITE? MAYBE YOU CAN IMPLEMENT IT INTO HER LIFE SO SHE CAN UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand the doctor life (a bit less strenuous over here in the UK) and I'm heartened by the fact that my wife agrees with me about not liking nights apart and is going for a position when she graduates (this may...proud of her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) this may that's going to be more of a 9-5 position. So, the nights apart won't be an issue...she much prefers to spend nights at home anyway and had I my UK license handy this wouldn't even be an issue, I'd drive her to and from hospital while she sleeps in the car.

But you're right about talking to her about it. I think we'll sit down without any distractions and have another chat about it this weekend and I will nicely mention about how much it's hurting me and about the no-contact letter...I'm just afraid of LB-ing with mentioning the letter.

How shall I explain this...I don't know if she sees it as a problem enough...does that make any sense? If I asked her to look at MB website she'd laugh me off. She is really warming to my loving behaviour but she still finds it funny that I am learning about marriage communication, relationship science etc from reading...she thinks you should learn it through experience. I have done the EN questionnnaire with her together and she did it even though she found it amusing.

IB,

YOUR WIFE MAY NOT SEE IT AS PROBLEM ENOUGH TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY, BUT EXPLAIN TO HER HOW SERIOUSLY IT IS AFFECTING YOU AND HOW YOU FEEL. USE "I FEEL" STATEMENTS, NOT YOU ARE SUCH AND SUCH, OR YOU MAKE ME FEEL....JUST I FEEL SCARED WHEN... I'M AFRAID THAT .... WILL HAPPEN...

I AM GLAD THAT SHE WILL GET A DAY TIME POSITION....THAT WILL CERTAINLY HELP, BUT FOR RIGHT NOW, YOU NEED TO BRING HER ATTENTION TO THE EMOTIONAL AFFAIR ASPECT AND THAT IS A GOOD PLACE TO START BY TELLING HER WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT EA'S BECAUSE OF THIS WEBSITE AND ASK HER IF SHE IS WILLING TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT AND HOW IT COULD AFFECT YOUR MARRIAGE AND HOW YOU ARE FEELING ABOUT THE OM RIGHT NOW.

DR. HARLEY HAS SO MANY YEARS OF EXPERIENCE WITH THIS TYPE OF THING AND SINCE YOU ARE NEWLYWEDS SEEKING ADVICE IS A GREAT THING BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. LET HER KNOW HOW SCARED YOU FEEL ABOUT AN EA AND WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO STOP IT BEFORE THINGS GET OUT OF HAND.

JUST SAY EVERYTHING WITH LOVE AND SHE WILL UNDERSTAND...DON'T BE AFRAID TO LET HER KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, YOUR FEELINGS ARE YOUR FEELINGS AND THEY ARE VALID AND SHE NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE YOUR HEAD! I USED TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT FEELING INSECURE, BUT IT IS JUST ANOTHER FEELING, LIKE HAPPINESS OR SADNESS. DON'T BE AFRAID TO SHARE WITH HER....JUST DON'T BLAME OR YELL OR GET IRATE. I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!

Thanks so much TL...I'll do just that. Funny, even through all the pain I can see how this experience has made me more mature and thoughtful...not rushing in to react to my emotions nearly as much any more.

IB,

I HOPE THIS ALL GETS WORKED OUT....STAY STRONG AND YES, PATIENCE IS THE KEY! THINGS HAVE A TENDENCY TO WORK OUT ON THEIR OWN TIME, NOT INSTANTLY LIKE WE WOULD LIKE THEM TO! BEST REGARDS AND GOOD LUCK!

TL

Just to give an example of how all this has been affecting me...wifey just called to set up a lunch date (her hospital isn't too far by tube from my workplace in London)...now she knows that I go to the gym at lunchtime because that allows me to come home straightaway and spend the rest of the evening together and she appreciates that. I did think about politely telling her "Baby, it's lovely of you to offer lunch but I haven't gone to the gym all this week (to either do errands for her or meet up with her) and I really need to get back into the routine...I'll be back home on time and we'll go to the movies then" but I'm afraid to do so because she might tell me that if it was her ex (OM) he'd drop everything and be with her or something to that effect. I'm a very health-conscious guy (used to play regular competitive soccer) and usually go to the gym 5 times a week. Don't get me wrong, I love having lunch with my wife and spending all my time with her...but this is important to me too. I am sort of having to compete with someone and it's tough... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Please turn off your CAPSLOCK. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It's difficult to read and in posts/emails, it is yelling.

Ironbeast, take it from a guy who has lived your similar situation for years. Play it cool. Don't pressure her. Back off. Watch carefully, but don't let your emotions take your mind over. If you do you will start to show your vulnerability. A very bad thing. Women don't care for a weak, desperate man. Keep showering her heart with love. Work on yourself (plan A) and don't worry too much about what OM is doing. You cannot control him or her. Just be there for her when she needs you. Medical shifts are tough work. I'am sure she is not in the mood to have romance when she just worked for 12 hours. But, bringing her homemade hot food and cleanclothes, or whatever else makes her life easier will score Love units.

Just show you care, and the rest will fall into place. I've been there and done that. These OM will come and go, especially if she is an MD, but you need to show your support for her work, and help as much as you can right now. Good luck and god bless.

Thanks wokeup...mentioned the hotel surprise to her and she was defensive but I think she wants to do it now that I have booked it. Could've been an LB but she sees my genuine desire to treat her well and now seems to want to go. I did offer to drive her back (with FIL) so she could sleep in the car but she was like "well, I have to wake up to go into the house and wake up again to go into the hospital" which seem rather flimsy reasons not to want to come home for the night...or am I being paraniod? Okay...I will back off. I do wonder sometimes if I'm crossing the line between being thoughtful/caring and being needy/desperate. I try to take care of all her needs as muc as I can...she does have it tough in her final year in medschool and all the stresses that go with it. I've offered to do every single errand in the house so she has unbroken study time this weekend. Can yo give me some examples of behaviour that might seem desperate? Another perspective would help me out. Thanks to everyone.

PS. About the competing thing. Unlike most other EAs I feel (or am made to feel more like) that OM has an advantage coz he is my WW's ex...it really hurts when I hear her say that I don't do something the way he did it...admittedly I am starting to measure up to her expectations but having the fact that I'm always being judged against someone IN MY MARRIAGE is hard to deal with. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ January 16, 2004, 06:15 AM: Message edited by: ironbeast ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ironbeast:
<strong> Thanks wokeup...mentioned the hotel surprise to her and she was defensive but I think she wants to do it now that I have booked it. Could've been an LB but she sees my genuine desire to treat her well and now seems to want to go. I did offer to drive her back (with FIL) so she could sleep in the car but she was like "well, I have to wake up to go into the house and wake up again to go into the hospital" which seem rather flimsy reasons not to want to come home for the night...or am I being paraniod? Okay...I will back off. I do wonder sometimes if I'm crossing the line between being thoughtful/caring and being needy/desperate. I try to take care of all her needs as muc as I can...she does have it tough in her final year in medschool and all the stresses that go with it. I've offered to do every single errand in the house so she has unbroken study time this weekend. Can yo give me some examples of behaviour that might seem desperate? Another perspective would help me out. Thanks to everyone.

PS. About the competing thing. Unlike most other EAs I feel (or am made to feel more like) that OM has an advantage coz he is my WW's ex...it really hurts when I hear her say that I don't do something the way he did it...admittedly I am starting to measure up to her expectations but having the fact that I'm always being judged against someone IN MY MARRIAGE is hard to deal with. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">any suggestions about the above issues would be most welcome.