H and I both went to MC last night. Alone, separatly because MC thought it would be beneficial to us. I went first. He works the same priciples as MB. When I left I felt a new sense of strength, that We can do this! We will move ahead and make this marriage what it should be.

H on the other hand came home depressed and angry. He didn't like what he heard from MC. This is the same one H went to alone for a year while we were separated, so he respects him, but doesn't always like what he hears. I could sense his anger and resentment when he got home. Made me nervous.

I waited to see if he would talk to me about it, but finally I couldn't stand the silence and asked if he wanted to talk. He didn't answer and shrugged his shoulders. So, I just let him be. Then awhile later he started talking. His anger showed through and he made a very cutting comment.

I didn't react. (huge difference from the past) and just walked away. But, it hurt, it really hurt. Then later he appologized and everything was suppose to be o.k. Problem is, because he acts out on his anger with those comments and behaviors, I end up feeling like I have to have this bit of armor on as to not get hurt. He feels me distancing and then it fuels his anger and he just gets more angry and lashes out more. He sees them as "just words" but once those words are out of his mouth, it hurts me and his saying "I'm sorry" just doesn't mean much when it happens so often.

How do we end this cycle?

<small>[ January 15, 2004, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: sohard ]</small>

Hi sohard

I guess you end the cycle by being open and honest about what your thinking and feeling. You tell him what his anger and resentment is doing. That and Time, Patience and Love. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You do need to tell him that each time he does this it does become harder for you to be open, and that it gets harder for you to take your defenses down.

Has your MC thaught you Mirroring? Its a way to share what your feeling and thinking, knowing the other person is listening, because they have to mirror what your saying. It helped Poe and I, it does take practice. Just a thought, you could always ask your MC about it.

yes, and the mirroring works IN mc. But, when we leave and try it away, I can hear how he feels and repeat it, even if I don't understand it, I just achnowlege his feelings and listen. When it is my turn, he gets defensive, and angry, and even when it is just about how I feel, he takes offense and says he feels attacked. Anyway, I am working harder on HOW I say things and the wording I use as to not make him feel defensive.

I will keep working...