Sally, I replied on your other post - but just another thought - If you can figure out exciting, adrenaline rush activities with H, that would definitely be a good thing.

What I find is very difficult, is actually carving out any time - when you have work, young kids, a house to take care of, and sleep is kind of important - to really spend with your H. I mean good undivided time. My H doesn't really get into the whole MB concepts, so it's difficult to follow them when both aren't into the program.

Felina

Sarah - it's good to see you post - I haven't seen you here in a while and have been wondering how you are doing? You sound positive in your post.

Felina

Dear friend Sally.(And Felina, I was editing when you were posting!)
I think your 'thought' is VERY accurate.

I also have been thinking that our husbands are also living without that passionate exciting feeling unless THEY have an affair!
It is important for US to be as passionate and as loving to them as we possibly can!

That illicit excitement you were talking about is why so many people go from one affair to another; trying to get that "HIGH".
It truly is like a drug addiction!

I want to be satisfied with a normal marriage, a loving marriage and have 'passions' in other areas (like my grandchildren and flower gardening, cooking, taking walks with hubby etc) and let this passion for the OM just be a memory.

I hope you are improving in your heart.
I have been reading how you wanted to e-mail 'him' but didn't.

My advice is don't .
You would just be waiting and watching again for a reply and would be hurting your husband, when he is trying to love and trust you again.
Much Love & Caring, Sarah

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>

Its funny Sarie, because some days I just am SO tempted, whereas today, I envisioned him gettin an email from me and after 2 months now, rolling his eyes...like as if to say "get over it".

It may be sexist, but I dont really think that he suffers as I do, being the man in this A.

I dunno...I was just very emotional about it and I feel he probably just moved on, happy that his W never knew and that he was ok...all the while knowing that my H knew of us and I was suffering.

Pi**es me off actually.

Sometimes I have angry moments about him. Then other times I think of stupid things like how he would maybe be so happy that I remember his birthday (we met on march 1st last year, just after his 30th bday on Feb 2). So this would be the first time a bday has rolled around of his. Would he care to see an email from me? WOUld it give him that warm feeling inside? Would he think to himself "let it go girl"? I know I shouldnt even give a c**p.

Im still scared that I will email him.

I pray I have the most strength that day not to do it.

S.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I put that to rest - told H that OM wouldn't be caught dead with me even if I was D, because he would be afraid of H's retribution. That made H feel better. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So the best reason you could give your husband for NOT being compatible was that the OM wouldn't want you for fear of your ex???

That is just so sad for your husband. I truly feel for the man you call your husband. I hope that his 'wife' can grow through all this, however, I am seeing very little of it thus far.

Formerly confused,

The day that I wrote that post was probably the worst day I had had since d-day. Obviously that was reflected by my conversation with H and the post.

Anyway - no offense taken - I often feel sorry for my H also. I wouldn't want to be married to me either! I guess the best way to sum me up - watch "Cold Mountain" - the role that Renee Zellweger plays - take the edge off and you've got me. I'm pretty tough - but that's what my H loved about me when we dated. I call a spade a spade, and now that I am being honest again, I don't always pussyfoot around reality. How I feel is how I feel - like it or leave it. I am working in counseling to change the reactions to my feelings, and learn why I feel the way I do, but for now, this is who I am. H knows it, he knows this is who I married, and at the time, it is backfiring against him, but in time, if I can figure myself out - it will, again, be an asset to us.

By the way, today was a great day. We all spent a lot of time outside together. Something about 55 and sunny in the middle of January that just makes the world feel a whole lot better!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Felina

Felina;l

Our personalities sound so similar.

I have yet to see that movie Cold Mountain!

Nice to hear you can find a small spot in that sunny day to feel good about spending it with your hubby.

Take care,
Sally.

Hi Felina,

Hmmm I don't think I can afford you for home remodeling. I guess 9 degree weather doesn't agree with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yesturday it got as high as 19. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Never watch Cold Mountain, I might sometime when it comes to video. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

55, dang I wish it was 55 here. (Northern Ohio)


Glad you are gaving a good day, sound really nice. Your H really Loves you. That should feel really good. I'm sure as you work on yourself it will again be an asset. It isn't a bad thing to be tough. You said it yourself that is what attracted your H.

Well hope you continue to have good days and great weather.

Oh Darn you Silverthorn!!!!

OM is from Ohio....UGH.

J/K, it its not your fault!

S.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Felina:
<strong> Sally, I replied on your other post - but just another thought - If you can figure out exciting, adrenaline rush activities with H, that would definitely be a good thing.

What I find is very difficult, is actually carving out any time - when you have work, young kids, a house to take care of, and sleep is kind of important - to really spend with your H. I mean good undivided time. My H doesn't really get into the whole MB concepts, so it's difficult to follow them when both aren't into the program.

Felina </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Silverthorn, I definitely would not make it in Ohio!!!!

I am doing alright so far today - but an irritating thing happened - you gotta love (or hate!!!) modern electronics!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> - I got a new cell phone - one of those fancy picture phone ones - they uploaded all of my phone book into the new phone from the old one. I'll be damned if I got home and all of OM's info was on the new phone!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I deleated it off the old phone almost 2 months ago!!!!! - I guess it was gone, but not really gone (kinda like our memories <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> )

Felina

Sally, go watch Cold Mountain. It's a tough movie to get through - a tear jerker for sure, but it's fabulous, and worth seeing Renee's role - I loved her in it!

Felina

I keep posting to myself - but I think I had a breakthrough!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

When I divorced my 1st H, I swore that I would never again let a man influence my decisions in a way that I am leading a life that isn't really me, and I was never going to let a man control what choices (esp major ones) I was going to make in my life.

I just realized, that by being depressed, and pining over a love for a man that I shouldn't have had in the first place - am I not allowing OM (who I will never even see or speak to again) to control my thoughts and actions? Isn't that what I swore I would never do? I just realized that I am a lot stronger than that!! Why was I even giving him any space in my brain? Why was I letting him consume me on some days? It's not even going to lead to anything!!

That was quite a freeing thought!

I have now decided that I am DONE! I won't give OM anymore brain space. I won't allow someone who will never be a part of my life control my life any more.

I will be a complete and strong person because I am me, and not because of anyone else in my life. I will allow others to compliment me, but not complete me. I will compliment others, but not complete others.

This goes for my H as well. If he is grouchy, and I allow that to make me irritable, am I not letting him create my moods? If he makes a mistake, and I hold it against him forever, am I not allowing him to dictate how I feel. I need to be in control of my own emotions - I need to choose not to react to his grouchiness, or his mistakes. I realized this today when I was in a great mood, and I came into the house - he was really negative, and I instantly change to being irritated. Why? I asked myself. Just because he's grouchy, doesn't mean I have to be grouchy too!! So I changed back to being really happy, and believe it or not, we had a great dinner!!!

Hopefully I can remember this in the days ahead! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Felina

Felina,

Tell you the truth I wouldn't mind being somewhere warmer at this time. I do like the snow though, but not much out there at this time.

Sounds like you've been doing some thinking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I do think its a breakthrough. Check out the book "Boundries". I think it deals with it. At least at the retreat they had a seminar about it. It could be of some help. We have it and Poe is reading it at this time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Glad you had a good day. Strange how Poe and I react to each others emotions. Its sometimes a darn circle.

Sally, hmmmmm (Silver shrugging his shoulders) sorry for being from Ohio, I guess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, its late for me, and I'm at the last of my energy. Need sleep, and not really thinking clearly. Have a great night everyone

Silver....it's pretty sad that I hear the word "Ohio" and I go into a state. I even had to find out everything about the damn place....God.

Felina....I need to get to that place where you seem to be...where you wont allow yourself to pine over a man that you will never ever be with.

What again, forgive me if I missed it somewhere, is your situation? I mean where is OM now and when did it end?

Catch ya later..
S.

Sally, here's a brief overview of OM:

OM and H were neighbors and sort-of-friends about 10 years ago, H moved, OM got divorce and lost on drugs....

About 2 1/2 years ago, H ran into OM, he had cleaned up, H invited him to come to our property, help remodel an extra apartment in exchange for him living there. I was attracted to him from the first time I saw him, now he lived across the driveway, and I helped him all the time with the remodeling of the apartment. EA on my part started almost immediately, and the sexual fantasy - it took almost 2 years before we "broke down" and started physical stuff. From there it was 2 extremely intense wild months together everytime we could manage.

H always felt threatened by OM - thought we were too close - I argued we were just extremely good friends..... D-day was Nov 19 - H found a hotel receipt in the car - automatically asked if it was OM, I baulked a bit, but admitted it.

Next day I told OM that H new - he was pissed that I admitted it was him, and I haven't seen him since -just spoke for a week about logistics of getting last of his stuff moved out, and that was it. (He had already moved out a couple weeks before, because the other half of apt. had a huge fire, and he couldn't stay in it.) I called him about a week after NC and he bauled me out for ever calling him again - He couldn't help me and didn't want my H and him to have a confrontation. He was the one that blocked me from his email. It was devastating when I found that out. I am glad he did it though, because at the time, I was too attatched to let go myself.

Today was another great day - I kept reminding myself that I was the one in control of my life now! I am strong, and will not be held hostage any longer by him! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Silver, I will have to read that book. Thanks for the recommendation.

Felina

Felina there are times when people who have hurt us often end up doing us a great favor. There is no denying that your OM committed a great betrayal but he partially redeemed himself by removing himself from your life soon after d-day. It is sad that most OP's don't do the same thing he did when the affair becomes known because their departure would have helped a great many marriages survive the ordeal of infidelity. Rejection hurts like hell but many times it can be a blessing in disguise.

Sally, I forgot to mention, you are on the right path - you are asking the right questions of yourself, and you want the right result. It is just a matter of time before you allow yourself to feel that resolve. I think it's a process that has different timing in everyone - I knew, for myself, what I needed to do to change my thoughts about OM - I just really didn't want to let them go yet. Until I remembered what I posted yesterday.

You know it's strange - before the A, I was feeling trapped - like I had no control over my life because I was tied to this M, had 2 little kids that tied me down, and had too many responsibilities. I also felt H and I had grown very distant, and then I had the complexity of OM living right here - free as a bird to do whatever he pleased whenever he pleased. That freedom was so very appealing! I wanted it so bad - not to mention that I was attracted to everything about him. I tried really hard for the last three months before PA started to clue my H in that we had issues, that I wasn't happy, that our M was in dangerous D territory. He couldn't see it though - thought things would blow over if he waited long enough. It was a very concious decision to start the PA. I was almost punishing H for not listening to me - it was the ultimate control, when I thought I had none before - I was doing the worst thing to him, didn't care, and he couldn't do anything about it anyway, because it was secret. In the other hand, I had total control over OM - he couldn't move, or H would know something had happened, he couldn't say no to me because we were both so pulled in. For a moment - I was in control of everything. I had my cake and ate it too. But the downward spiral started fast - it was getting harder to keep up two lives - I was getting way too attatched when I wasn't supposed to.

In the end, what I was striving to have ultimate control over, ended up having total control over me. I finally feel, after over a year of inner turmoil, like I am starting to have control over my life in a positive way - and that is taking control over me, myself, and I, and not all of those around me. It feels a lot better.

Felina

HI Felina and thanks for the wonderful invice as well as theinsight into your dilemma.

Alot of the feelings you described having, like having control over the siuation remind me of how I felt in the midst of the affair. One differnce is I never sat there pre-affair and thought "my marriage is in trouble". I just accepted that I worked shifts, had 3 little ones and marraige and family life was this chaotic repetitive thing that everyone deals with.

Then OM came along, and God made me feel so wonderful about myself. Gave me all these compliments on my beauty and how funny I was etc. I started to wonder why I had felt I had become this average 30 somethin year old mom when I felt 22 and vital and beautiful around him.

I told him about my marriage, and what I wanted so much that I was getting from OM...he told me the things I should and shouldnt put up withe (ie being told what to wear and not to wear, not gettin any help around here with house and kids etc) and it made me open up my eyes and think I deserved better.

When the guilt of leading 2 lives overcame me and I admitted the A to H, OM wanted to end it for the better of my M. I beleive he was sincere there but I BEGGED him not to leave. Had things ended there, perhaps I would have not become even more attached (this was 2 months post meeting, rel'p continued another 8).

I find the days definately easier then back in Dec when I first came here unable to eat and unable to tell my husband of my heartache. THere are some moments where I prepare and email to send him on his bday, and yet I KNOW that in the end it will not work out, even if he were to write me back (although I am sure he wouldnt, he may have even blocked me as sender--not sure how/if you can know that for sure?) Then there are days were I actually feel OK and glad to be free of the stress of not gettin found out. Free of the stress everytime my H would come home and use the computer and my heart would race.

I hope that I am heading in the right direction. The people here have been wonderful and I am so so grateful for them all.

THanks again Felina,
Sally.

Sally,
You are on the right track. You are coming here for support, have ended the affair, and are still maintaining NC.

That is much better than I did in the beginning. It took me several months to finally end all email contact with OM. There are still moments when I run across a joke or something that makes me think of him (we shared lots of jokes through email), but the thought doesn't usually linger too long. And I know I'm strong enough not to ACT on the thoughts now.

You may have read it, but if you haven't, get a copy of SAA--Sue in the book (a WW Harley uses to illustrate his principles) will remind you of yourself. Yesterday I read the part where Sue tells about how she felt after she and her husband were back together....it was SO much like how I felt in the beginning of our recovery!

Good luck....I think you are doing GREAT! Diane