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Diane
YOu are alwasy so nice when it comes to commenting on my good doings....I thank you for the encouragement.
I try to be strong but if I am honest with you all here, I have to say that the OM CONSUMES alot of my day, in thought.
Each day is still a struggle to not compose and email....and sometimes I think I dont do it for the WRONG reason...that being that I think it isnt what OM wants, to hear from me....and that writing him will make him feel like "oh her again,wont she just let it be" when I should be thinking "my H doenst deserve this and by doing this, I am awful, and a liar".
I am really really really glad once agian to be able to come here for support...my thoguhts and my inability to not be able to control my actions at times scares me and disppoints me.
THanks all,
Sally.
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Sally, You are doing better then what you think. It does get better with time. With time and both of you working on pre-A M problems. When you feel the stress of wanting to email OM, write a letter or compose an email to your H. Of course venting here is always good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> SAA is a good book (Surviving an Affair). Well, have a Good day. Felina, Sometimes people need hit by a 2x4 in order to understand or see something that is right before there eyes. Your H is probably one of them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> In some ways most men are. Of course the freedom of the OM was also an illusion. It is always far better to just be open and forthright then give hints, sometimes people just miss the signs. Again hindsight is 20/20. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Glad you continue to have good days. Mine took a slight hit last night but I'm ok again. In some ways one of your earlier posts helped me. Thanks. It reminded me that Poe isn't responsible for my happiness, yes she can effect my mood but it really up to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Poe does feed off my mood, and I hers. I guess it just requires a change of perception on both our parts. By taking yourself out of the spiral down you actually helped to bring your H back up. Maybe I'm just rambling, but I do feel good right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> heh heh heh.
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Hey all, Thanks for posting back - it's good to hear your tips and advice. Sally, you are doing great - I commend you for being honest to us. I found that being honest to this board kept me from emailing OM. I would really think, "man, I really don't want to have to lie to the board". Everyone here (whom I have never, and never will meet) were more important than H at the time - but I knew that anything that kept me honest was positive. Sally, I encourage you to really look at yourself. What are you worth? You are worth a lot more just because of who you are than what you might reduce yourself down to by allowing OM to control your thoughts. You are a special person - we all are! When you think about how special OM made you feel, stand up and think, "HEY, I CAN TELL MYSELF HOW SPECIAL I AM!!!!" It sounds selfish to tell yourself how special you are, but on the contrary - if you know you are special, you will treat other people like they are special. Keep up the good work!! By the way, I think the only way to find out if OM has blocked your email is to send one, then you will come back with an ALERT: THIS ADDRESS HAS BLOCKED YOU FROM SENDING MESSAGES (or something like that). Believe me - it's not worth finding out - it will rip your guts out. Just don't break down - remember YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Silver, I am glad that your day ended up good. I think that after an A - both sides really see things differently. There are a lot of things that you didn't notice before that you do now - both good and bad. It certainly keeps you on your toes about how you are reacting to each other. All - OK, hairdressing it is!!!! The last two days, I have had so much fun with H at work. Ever since I had this little breakthrough thought, I have been a lot more positive about everything. At work, I can see the potential of us working as a team - both financially, and for the strength of our M. Because of H's leg, I am doing a lot more actual work than I did when I worked there 2 years ago (and I have my license now). It makes me feel more like part of the team and not just his assistant. The clients are great, and the pride at the end of the day when everyone's hair cuts and colors turned out great is a big high, also congratulating each other on how we squeezed a couple extra cuts into a packed day and having everyone come out happy! It's great! One other thing that was bugging me was that if I got into remodeling as a profesion, I would be primarily around the type of guys that I am SO attracted to already - and one on one a lot. I just thought that was really a fertile breeding ground for another A. So maybe it is a smart precaution that I stay out of that arena! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Take care all, and may we all have good days ahead! It has meant a lot that you all have listened to my latest transformations! Thanks! (I can't believe how good I feel about things right now - probably better than I have for a good couple years!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) Felina
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Felina
Thanks once again for the words...I try to tell myself I am good, but it just made me so much better when I heard it from him. My guess is he has blocked me, dont know and hopefully will never.
What if I do email him feb 2? Ill be so ashamed and embarassed to come here and tell you after all this NC that I f***ed up.
Ugh...
at work now...be around
Thanks
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It's not us you'd have to face.
It's your BH.
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Uphill is right, but any piece of strength you can draw on to keep you from emailing him on the second will help. Sometimes when you are slipping over a cliff, even a thread might keep you from falling, if you know what I mean. I feel you Sally. Believe me, I've been there, and it sure feels good to be past that. In due time, you will be too. Just hang onto anything you can to get you through right now. You will be set back so far if you email him, and more than anything, you will be really ashamed of yourself, no matter what anyone else thinks. I know it is a hard struggle. You can do it - and years down the road, when this is all way past you, you will be proud of yourself for being the stronger person! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Felina
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Hi Felina Your giving really good advice to Sally. I do hope today is a good day for you, its so far a good day for me. Glad to hear your thoughts on job choice. Of course if you could get your H involved in remodeling he could always be the one you are working with. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It is good to feel good. Have a great day. Sally Not only do you have to face your H, you have to face yourself. Get your H's help on this. Do something special for the both of you. You can maintain NC, you have the strength.
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Hi guys
I will CONTINUE to absorb this board, and all the posts..anything to prevent this email.
I dont beleive without this board I'd maintain NC...you may think I am strong, I am not.
I bet you nobody has SO many things remind me of OM as I do....hell, I work out and do abs and when I look at my abs I think of him because the first night we met he said I had awesome abs.
This is so hard.
Another thing...I cannot get up any sexual motivation towards my H...its been a week only since we last wereintimate...but he thinks its too long beyong 3 days. Last night we retired to bed at 11 only for me to wake up at 3am to find him down in the family room (where the satellite dish is) watching porn.
I just dont feel like doing any of it.
ugh..
S
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Sally,
Read the new thread "to sarie' by SKM. I just read it and it is good. I think it would help you too! (helped me after all this time.)
Good idea about staying on the board. It does help. Diane
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Silver, H helping me with remodeling? OH NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!! We do plenty of remodeling together, at home, or, shall I say I do plenty of remodeling and he drops in once and a while to see if I need a little help - then he spends hours deliberating what kind of door knob, or such to put somewhere - lets just say, I can get about 5 times more work done without him, than with him. Sure can cut hair, but when it comes to spacial perception in wood and houses - I think he's missing a piece! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Or we get into huge heated discussions about the structural integrity of one thing or another because he wants to cut corners and thinks his cheap way will work fine. (I certainly wouldn't want to be in a house he built during an earthquake <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) One of the great things about OM that I miss so much is that we could remodel a space together, hardly say a word and we always knew when the other need the hammer, or whatever at the perfect time - or when the other needed something held, and could do it just perfectly... H has NO clue - I just have to accept that about him, and move on. Then he would flash just the right glance at me and I would melt and my whole body would be on fire - I miss, but happily accept that I will never feel that again. I have to focus on how well H and I work together in the salon, and appreciate that it is 150% more positive for my life than what I experienced with OM. Today was good, but I am really tired - I am really working 2 jobs, because I still have to take care of horses for a couple hours (while everyone sleeps) before work each day. (we own and run a boarding facility.) I wonder how long I can last on this schedule? May we all have a good day again tomorrow!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Felina
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Sally, I beg to differ about the number of things remind you of OM. My OM helped helped remodel my bathroom - new linoleum, new cabinet, new mirror..., so everytime I am in there, doing whatever - I can see him in there with me - that one's rough - but I'm pretty much over it.
Stay strong! We are with you!
Felina
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Just wanted to clarify (I don't know how to edit my own posts) That last post may sound quasi-x-rated, but it wasn't meant to be - remodel job was well before PA started, but heavy into the EA. I guess when I am this tired, I don't think or type coherantly <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .
Felina
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Felina: so everytime I am in there, doing whatever - I can see him in there with me - that one's rough -but I'm pretty much over it. Felina</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just remember his buttcrack and you throwing grapes in the back of his pants <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Felina
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Ahhh sorry for the suggestion. Some people are not ment to handle tools. (No one asks me to use power tools around them. I don't understand why, I do know how to use them. I just have problems with hedge trimmers, can't seem to stop cutting the stupid power cord. ) The icon at the top of any of your posts looks like a note pad with a pencil. Thats for editing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I to plan on having a good day tomorrow. Hope I succed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> TMCM very funny.
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HEY, GUESS WHAT? I AM GOING ON A DATE WITH H!! I AM SO EXCITED!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> We have a babysitter, are going to have dinner and a drink, then go to a movie (Big Fish, I think). I got dressed nice, put on my jewelry and a bit of makeup. I think we'll have a great time!! Amazing what can happen when you give up the ghost and turn back the right direction!!! What a relief! (not perfect yet, but I can actually see where I am enjoying H more often than not - a big accomplishment. This morning, I woke up depressed and feeling sorry for myself - then I read Pep's reply to Sally's new thread, and boy did he straighten me out good!!! The day was great after that! It's all about taking charge of yourself and how you feel.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Liza: (yes that's my actual name - Felina is my horse <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) aka Felina
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That is great news Felina and I hope that this is only one of many romantic dates that you and your H embark on. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"then I read Pep's reply to Sally's new thread, and boy did he straighten me out good!!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is a she. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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TMCM - I get so screwed up with that!! I thought Silver was a she for the longest time (I think Silver's a he, but who nows! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Felina: I think Silver's a he, but who nows! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well it would certainly be a shock to Poe, his W, if he wasn't, wouldn't it? Although it would explain his 'problem'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
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I guess I'm more in touch with my femine side than I thought. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Yep, Poe sure would be surprised. And, she isn't even into a woman/woman relationship. LOL I am definately male, I checked and I seem to have the right equipment. Yep, its there, thats a relief. Yep, still working on my problem, and yes it would have been kinda hard to overcome if I din't have the "equipment" to work on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <small>[ January 26, 2004, 01:39 PM: Message edited by: Silverthorn ]</small>
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