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This is my story; sorry it’s so long …… My husband and I met at work over 15 years ago. I took an immediate dislike to him, he was going through a divorce at the time and he was drinking a lot and was pretty obnoxious. We traveled the same work crowd party circuit so we were often together and at times he could be humorous. He asked me out several times over the first couple years but I was busy dating other guys and really never thought of him as a potential boyfriend etc. I guess over time he calmed down a bit and I got to see some of the better points about him. I took up golf and he was an avid golfer so he took me golfing a couple times but we still were not “dating”. I guess as they say timing is everything, eventually I was not dating anyone and he finally quit a long-term relationship with a married co-worker so we got together. I was already in my mid 30’s by this time and he was approaching 40, we both wanted children and had similar expectations in life so we decided to get married. We got married, had 2 children and had a pretty good life, he has always been and still is a bit of a partier, a guy’s guy, likes to go out and watch sports and drink with the guys. Sometime after the second child, I think I started to resent all the work I was doing with the children while his life was pretty much unchanged. I let years of resentment build up and we ended up in a very “platonic” relationship, we were living together, raising a couple kids but had no closeness what so ever. I was constantly thinking about how I could financially work a divorce and try not to damage our kids too much. He also started suffering more bouts of depression, I had seen the depression in him in the early years before we got married but I figured that had to do with his divorce. Things got pretty bad and I really wanted out but the monumental task of actually dividing the household was more than I could handle. I tried to get him to go to counseling with me a couple times, but after we would talk, things would get better for a little while and then boom we end back in the same situation. He was in a pretty foul mood for a couple months last summer and I was dreading going on a extended family vacation so I thought I would bite the bullet and try to find out what was wrong and perhaps we could work on our problems. It was then I found out he had met someone on a business trip and had been emailing her for a couple months. He would leave his email account open at times and boy did I get an eyeball full, there was no physical affair but he was definitely infatuated with her, he felt she was his soul mate. He told me about her after some long talks between us, what he told me is that he found someone to talk to, and it was helping him emotionally. Little did he know I had been reading his email, her responses were not of the intensity of his, she just pretty much wrote about her life, husband, children etc. while he wrote of a lot of the pain in his past. One of his last letters he wrote of how he was disappointed that his first marriage didn’t work out and then once he found the love of his life (the married co-worker) she wouldn’t leave her husband for him. But then he found a nice person who wanted the same things he did and everything was fine for awhile (that was me). But when he met her all those old feelings were reawakened even though they only spent a couple days together. He went on to say that while the emotional attachment to his children was fulfilling it wasn’t the same as an adult relationship. So I was pretty devastated that I obviously meant nothing to him but a womb to bear his children. The confusing part of all of this is that our marriage is probably the best it’s been in years, he tells me nightly how much he loves me. I’ll be the first to admit we do not have the most passionate/intense relationship in the world, but its comfortable and cozy when things are going well. I don’t know what to believe anymore, do I believe his actions and words to me, or do I believe what he is writing to his “soulmate”. Of course he still does not know that I am reading his ongoing emails and I’m not sure I want to tell him. Although I know at some point I will probably read something I can’t handle and it will all come out. So what do I do with this knowledge, stop reading his emails, confront him, nothing? To add just a little more confusion to this situation, the married co-worker still works with us and recently her husband left her, but strangely enough I do not feel threatened by this turn of events, she has gained quite a few pounds over the years and I do believe their relationship is strictly co-worker now. Also my husband swears he has never been unfaithful to me in our 12 years of marriage. I’m sure he is strictly talking about physical not emotional affairs. Is this a marriage?
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Joined: Dec 2003
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ComfortableShoes: <strong> This is my story; sorry it’s so long …… My husband and I met at work over 15 years ago. I took an immediate dislike to him, he was going through a divorce at the time and he was drinking a lot and was pretty obnoxious. We traveled the same work crowd party circuit so we were often together and at times he could be humorous. He asked me out several times over the first couple years but I was busy dating other guys and really never thought of him as a potential boyfriend etc. I guess over time he calmed down a bit and I got to see some of the better points about him. I took up golf and he was an avid golfer so he took me golfing a couple times but we still were not “dating”. I guess as they say timing is everything, eventually I was not dating anyone and he finally quit a long-term relationship with a married co-worker so we got together. I was already in my mid 30’s by this time and he was approaching 40, we both wanted children and had similar expectations in life so we decided to get married. We got married, had 2 children and had a pretty good life, he has always been and still is a bit of a partier, a guy’s guy, likes to go out and watch sports and drink with the guys. Sometime after the second child, I think I started to resent all the work I was doing with the children while his life was pretty much unchanged. I let years of resentment build up and we ended up in a very “platonic” relationship, we were living together, raising a couple kids but had no closeness what so ever. I was constantly thinking about how I could financially work a divorce and try not to damage our kids too much. He also started suffering more bouts of depression, I had seen the depression in him in the early years before we got married but I figured that had to do with his divorce. Things got pretty bad and I really wanted out but the monumental task of actually dividing the household was more than I could handle. I tried to get him to go to counseling with me a couple times, but after we would talk, things would get better for a little while and then boom we end back in the same situation. He was in a pretty foul mood for a couple months last summer and I was dreading going on a extended family vacation so I thought I would bite the bullet and try to find out what was wrong and perhaps we could work on our problems. It was then I found out he had met someone on a business trip and had been emailing her for a couple months. He would leave his email account open at times and boy did I get an eyeball full, there was no physical affair but he was definitely infatuated with her, he felt she was his soul mate. He told me about her after some long talks between us, what he told me is that he found someone to talk to, and it was helping him emotionally. Little did he know I had been reading his email, her responses were not of the intensity of his, she just pretty much wrote about her life, husband, children etc. while he wrote of a lot of the pain in his past. One of his last letters he wrote of how he was disappointed that his first marriage didn’t work out and then once he found the love of his life (the married co-worker) she wouldn’t leave her husband for him. But then he found a nice person who wanted the same things he did and everything was fine for awhile (that was me). But when he met her all those old feelings were reawakened even though they only spent a couple days together. He went on to say that while the emotional attachment to his children was fulfilling it wasn’t the same as an adult relationship. So I was pretty devastated that I obviously meant nothing to him but a womb to bear his children. The confusing part of all of this is that our marriage is probably the best it’s been in years, he tells me nightly how much he loves me. I’ll be the first to admit we do not have the most passionate/intense relationship in the world, but its comfortable and cozy when things are going well. I don’t know what to believe anymore, do I believe his actions and words to me, or do I believe what he is writing to his “soulmate”. Of course he still does not know that I am reading his ongoing emails and I’m not sure I want to tell him. Although I know at some point I will probably read something I can’t handle and it will all come out. So what do I do with this knowledge, stop reading his emails, confront him, nothing? To add just a little more confusion to this situation, the married co-worker still works with us and recently her husband left her, but strangely enough I do not feel threatened by this turn of events, she has gained quite a few pounds over the years and I do believe their relationship is strictly co-worker now. Also my husband swears he has never been unfaithful to me in our 12 years of marriage. I’m sure he is strictly talking about physical not emotional affairs. Is this a marriage? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nope. Sorry to say it, but us guys only share intimacy with ONE person at a time. Having someone that you know you do not have any secrets with- is a BIG deal to guys I believe. By allowing the communication you are basically saying "Hello, Please date my husband- I will turn a blind eye." The fact that she is recently divorced is a big deal. How can she possibly "counsel" him, so to speak, -when she does not have 100% emotionally to give???
She can't. They are probably "consoling" each other, and I am guessing his infatuation with her is taking his mind off of ya'lls marriage, and yea, that tends to make things "cozy" at home- no problems so to speak.
The Soulmate thing is another really big deal. I have learned that there actually is a Chemical action in the brain, when in love- that triggers a feeling of, well kinda like finding a long lost friend, but much more stronger. When I had my affair, I used to cry to her every single night how I had *finally* found my soul mate. Unfortunately to this day I still think in some way she is ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ). But at least I am aware that my brain is only telling me to go procreate, to help extend the species. But I *will* say intimating to another woman that she is his soulmate is really waay out of line. He is very aware of his feelings IMHO.
I'm guessing the overweight thing is just a "decoy"- see below
As for the email, I would continue reading it, and not tell him- not because it's right, but because that is just me. If you can, I would try very hard not to force the issue here, now. Those emails are not admissable in court BTW.
The biggest deal I see here is the working relationship. I mean 3 people working together, 2 of them married, and one of them telling a worker that she is his soulmate, while propping up some kind of "helping me with my depression" baloney- is seriously disfunctional.
Have you tried talking to HR at work? They can't fire anybody for it, but they can go to him and say "we are looking to you to make this situation go away". I would also speak with the other lady and very politely tell her about some of your concerns- say "I am so stupid for feeling this way, but I just don't feel comfortable somehow about my husband and some of the ways he seems to relate with you. I know it must be my own problem, and maybe I am just insecure, but do you think you could work with me here jst a lttle bit?"
She's going to laugh either way, but if she is not having an affair with him, she will of course distance herself from him, probably in front of you sometime at work. You know, no intimacy with him, then she is going to be like 'stay away dude'.
But if she IS having an affair, she will put up some decoys at work- like a photo of a guy she purportedly likes- so as to convince the community AT LARGE that she is not dating your husband- but she will refuse to address the issue with you in a direct way.
My advice is to go sloow with this. Slow and careful- sure of every single little move you make, if you can. Then, when hubby turns out just to have some kind of platonic fantasy thing with her- then ya'll can go talk about that with someone. It could just be some weird thing here- but I'd nip it in the bud right fast if possible.
I am praying for you and yours-please let me know. <small>[ January 15, 2004, 09:10 PM: Message edited by: -Nut Cheerios ]</small>
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comfortableshoes...
Is this a marriage?
Well I don't think there is any such thing as "a" marriage...
while there are vows that bind and indentify the basics that exist to call the union marriage...
there is no universal encapsule of that word...
there's my marriage...and your marriage...and his marriage... and their marriage etc...
but we are not talking about "a" marriage...we are talking of YOUR marraige...
marriage is what we make of it...it is not an entitiy that exists out there of our selves... it is not something that just is...it "is" what we make it to be...
the real question the only question is, Is your marriage how you want it to be... YOU....
And if and when your vision doesn't equal what is in front of you...then you start to work towards creating it to be as you want it....
why would you not confront him... "it" is he is seeking out there emotionally...
why would you settle?
always always always start with you....
we do not have the most passionate/intense relationship in the world, but its comfortable and cozy when things are going well.
you could if that's what you or he wanted...or even something a little more in between in where you are now...and where you could be...
If there is nothing else that I have learned here is that people can and do change all the time...
so while you may believe that you have never been one to do this or that..truth is you may never have tried this or that to the point that it becomse more natural or comfortable...
what is your inner you telling you to do....
aRK
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Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
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CS,
I know this is going to sound like I am beating on YOU, but one of things you will learn here is that a spouses actions can affect the other spouse. Meeting needs is a key thing. I would strongly urge you and your H to read His Needs Her Needs by Harley. I would also strongly urge you to consider Plan A. Please read about it in the articles on this site.
Now for some observations. I see a pattern here. Now perhaps it is because you have only written part of the story, but permit me to do some cutting and pasting to see if you see the same pattern. If you do, then I think one can come up with a plan that might make a difference.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he was going through a divorce at the time and he was drinking a lot and was pretty obnoxious.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sometime after the second child, I think I started to resent all the work I was doing with the children while his life was pretty much unchanged. I let years of resentment build up and we ended up in a very “platonic” relationship, we were living together, raising a couple kids but had no closeness what so ever. I was constantly thinking about how I could financially work a divorce and try not to damage our kids too much. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He also started suffering more bouts of depression, I had seen the depression in him in the early years before we got married but I figured that had to do with his divorce. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He told me about her after some long talks between us, what he told me is that he found someone to talk to, and it was helping him emotionally.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One of his last letters he wrote of how he was disappointed that his first marriage didn’t work out and then once he found the love of his life (the married co-worker) she wouldn’t leave her husband for him. But then he found a nice person who wanted the same things he did and everything was fine for awhile (that was me). But when he met her all those old feelings were reawakened even though they only spent a couple days together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He went on to say that while the emotional attachment to his children was fulfilling it wasn’t the same as an adult relationship. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok read this carefully. When he is in a relationship that he can talk and open up he is happy. When he is in one where he feels he cannot or is losing one he cared for, he is depressed.
Your thinking of ways to divorce him over the years due to your resentment was responded to by him. He pulled a way. Yet, he still wanted an adult relationship and he went and found one. So frankly you have contributed to this is a very real way.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So I was pretty devastated that I obviously meant nothing to him but a womb to bear his children. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wrong conclusion in my mind. What he wanted was someone to talk with and be comfortable with. I am betting that with your resentment and seriously considering divorce a great deal of the time, you WERE NOT THAT PERSON. But, you can be. In fact you can be more than these women, because you are also the mother of his children. YOu have a huge advantage here and an opportunity to rebuild this marriage to something much better than before. You see despite your resentment and wanting to leave, it is bothering you that he has found comfort somewhere else. So my guess is that you do love him. My other guess is that he wants to love you.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So what do I do with this knowledge, stop reading his emails, confront him, nothing? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do with this knowledge? You use it. You do several things. First learn about plan A, then learn about the 4 rules of marriage, they are easy and simple. Finally, you read up and learn about two very unique and powerful concepts: The concept of "radical honesty", and the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. These two concepts if used properly would have prevented a lot of what has happened. They will help both of you rebuild your marriage.
Finally, before you start anything understand what Dr. Harley calls Love Busters, LB's. You need to stop using them, and I see a major one in your case, distrespectful judgements, DJ's. You assume you know what your H has felt and is feeling. You may well be wrong so don't act on those judgements.
Finally, I want to leave you with a quote you need to ponder.
Resentment is like taking poison, and waiting for the other person to die.
CS, I think there is great hope for your marriage. I think you two can have a much better marriage than you have had, but you need to do some homework. Once you have then "radical honesty" says you inform him of your knowledge of his EA. Then you two sit down and decide if you want to be married. Harley claims that even a divorce should be POJA'd. It is by the way a negotiating tool.
You can do this. I think your H is in search of what you CAN provide him, and I suspect he can provide you what you need if he understands it and knows how to do it.
Please read here and then keep posting you will get lots of suggestions.
God Bless,
JL
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I think it would be naive to assume this relationship will not get physical because he says it won't.
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