My husband has had an affair with someone who has been a friend for over 20 years. She is also in business with us and attends weekly meetings where we both see her. Since I discovered the affair and confronted both my husband and her, they were most concerned that I tell no one, particularly in our business. They carry on as though nothing has happened ... cheery, greeting each other, speaking with each other on occasion, etc. To my knowledge the affair has ended and they do not see or talk to each other outside of the business meetings. I am extremely uncomfortable and am close to anxiety attacks at these meetings. My husband and I have both read Dr. Harley's books and listened to his CD's and he seems very firm on complete separation of the wayward spouse and lover for life. This seems impossible in our situation because livelihoods and business commitments are at stake. My husband is very reassuring that "this will never happen again" and tells me he has "no feelings whatsoever when he sees her" and "it's like it never happened". I am having difficulty moving past this and trying to believe and trust him again is very difficult, even moreso after seeing his lover at a meeting. Do you have any advice for me to move forward? We are working on the His Needs/Her Needs and I feel we are learning and progressing. It just feels like one step forward, two steps back sometimes because of the lack of trust. Seeing his lover tends to bring everything back. My husband still feels his lover is a "good" person and would like to be friends with her and work in the business with her again "after I feel I can trust him again". I say no way. Am I being unreasonable?
Thank you.

No, you are not being unreasonable. He is lying to protect you when he says "he has "no feelings whatsoever when he sees her" and "it's like it never happened". " And, your reactions are comletely normal. You need to find a way together for him to have NO further contact with her. I know that is difficult. That is the price of recovery.

I am the WS and I still work with one of the OW. There is no way that I can look at her and act like nothings ever happened. I am not tempted by her, but to say that it's the way it was before ONS, no way. I hate coming to work every day knowing that she will be here.

I'm quite concerned that he has no problem working with her or being in the same room, let alone wanting this to just pass in the night and act like nothing ever happened.

Boundries must be set until such a time that she is completely out of your lives. I leave right when work is done and am never left alone with her at work.

Don't feel bad for feeling uneasy. Remember he's the one who had the A! I know it must eat my W alive to know that I have to come here every day. The OW in my case was one of my W's closest friends.

Set Boundries to your liking. If he doesn't think it's necessary, then reply they shouldn't be hard for you to comply with then.

I'm praying for U!

tawa

It might be necessary to expose the affair to OW H or to business contacts to get her to move on to another business. Your H comments about OW say to me that he is still in the "fog" and that you need to insist on no contact. Otherwise the feelings could persist for years and the affair to restate anytime. Soemtime you have to take a hard stand to cause people to seriously consider other alternatives.

Beau

Tawa,
You should be concerned about his attitude. As a FWS, I behaved very similiar to your husband in the first few weeks after d-day.

The OM and my family attended the same church. At first I didn't want to give up the church and kept going without my husband for several weeks. The A was over, but the strong feelings for OM remained. Now, a more than a year later, I realize how wrong this was. It really made it hard on my BS, but also just as hard on myself. It was not til I found this message board and received help from some of the veterans-both BS and WS- that I began to come around (in other words the fog started clearing up!)

I don't know what to suggest to you, but maybe you could get the book Surviving an Affair and encourage him to read it. It is great, and will help your husband understand the importance of NC. Or maybe you could encourage him to post here.

Diane

Hello,

Your situation is complicated by a business relationship. Are you, your husband and the OW contractually bound? If not, then you are free to sever the relationship. In a perfect world you could demand the he never have contact with this OW. But the world is not perfect. I would certainly demand no contact with her without you present. I would work for the goal of severing all business ties with her and finally no contact at all

Oh, it is a bunch of B.S. if he says he doesn't feel anything for her. They had a relationship and there are going to be feelings when they see each other.

I sure understand your confusion. My h also works with the woman he was involved with over two yrs ago. He claims "nothing happened" and that they never actually had sex, although he admits they went away together with that intention. I think my h assumed that I would not be able to accept their working together if he admitted to the sex, so a half truth would make it easier.

But it doesn't change anything for me whether they had sex or not, because when your spouse forges an emotional, intimate, connection with another person, it is an affair and it hurts more than the one night stand.

Their situation has caused us much pain and many setbacks. First, the dragged out (over several months), confession and denial...then the interactions at work where I was always treated like the "outsider". Her feelings were preotected when we had to be in contact and mine were ignored. He would make light conversations and even intimate eye contact. I saw it, couldn't believe it, was furious, and he denied it. But, eventually... admitted it and has made changes.

Then he admitted that he was uncomfortable when I came in the office???? Wonder why? We've discussed and changed some of those things, but he still doesn't see anything wrong with their traveling to meetings together, going out for long lunches and having drinks. I think it's a smokescreen and he says I over react.

Since they traveled to have their affair in our car, I will never again tolerate her in that car, or him in hers. He thinks I make "too much" out of it... It's just work. I think that's wishful thinking on his part. I think he's fooling himself by trying to act 'normal', as if nothing transpired between them.

I believe he wants me in his life. But he's never really had to make the break with her. They see eachother every day in the office. He hasn't been unfaithful since we began reconciliation...except in his heart, where I think he's denying reality. How can I help him, without becoming the nag I don't want to become. How can I get him to anticipate and avoid situations that are careless and harmful to us? How can I get him to see that it was and is a big deal?

What he doesn't realize it that every time I have to navigate this dirty water, I lose respect for him and lose my desire to make this work. I think it would be easier to start fresh than to have salt poured on the wounds every time he shows a lack concern for my feelings.

And as I re read this post I wonder why he even wanted to stay with me, when he clearly wasn't over her. Probably because she rejected him and I haven't. Isn't that sad? Poor excuse for being chosen, isn't it? Not much to be proud of.

So, those with advice...I too am listening. Sorry about the mini-hijack.

<small>[ January 16, 2004, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: srchn ]</small>