Since I am new to this board I guess I must start at the beginning. I grew up with a father who was a tough marine drill sargent. My mother left as a result when I was 3. Dad never remarried again and as a result I had no mother. The result was I became my dad and showed no emotion ever other that anger and control. However, inside that is all I ever wanted. Well that behavior has cost me everything I have loved. My wife and maybe my children. I have always been a tough abusive verbal guy. About a year ago it became physical. I threw key, remote controls and kicked my wife and one time hit my wifes arm. This is the total of the pysical violence. As a result of being distant and abusive my wife ended up having an affair and moving into a shelter because of my behavior, her behavior and us being a financially destroyed family.

I found out about the affair by discovering a surprise laying in the floor next to my daughters bed. I gave the surprise to my wife and said I guess this means we have to talk. It literally was at that time the worst monent in my life. I felt like I was cut in half. My wife felt that I didn't love her anymore or at least that is what she said. That is the furthest thing from the truth she could have said to me. I have loved my wife from the moment I met her. Truly. I would have never thought that she felt that or would do this to our family. I was absolutely taken by surprise.I left the home (trailer half way through construction that was not much of a home) and went to a Hotel to kill myself. I love my wife and we have a 4 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. Life for me was over. My wife did not chase after me. She felt that I fell out of love for her. A story she had fully made up to possible justify her affair. Or maybe if was how she felt for the coldness I had shown her for so long. I came back home that night to talk about this. I stopped everything I was doing to focus solely on our marriage. I was in talks with some investors to take our new company public. We stood to make a great amount of money in a short time. I literally walked out on two billionaires and their lawyers, all who had flown in for the meeting because my wife wanted to talk. The talks lasted off and on for six weeks. We talked about the affair. She told me everything that occured because she told me she was the aggressor and she was very sorry and I felt that she would feel better by getting those feelings out. This discussion became the new worst moment in my life. I layed their talking with her for hours listening to the intimate details of her affair without saying a single word. Most of the time I tried to simply breathe. After my wife told me about the afair we agreed to begin to work on our marriage. We talked for about a week and one night we had a great conversation and we felt loving and calm Then I said a derogatory statement about the OM and she defended him. I later found out that it was because they were still in contact unlike what she had told me which was she was unfulfilled by the affair and had broken it off the day before. My wife ultimately has given 5 differing versions of the affair to me and her mother as of now. Well after 6 weeks of these talks I felt like we were getting to begin a new relationship. During one of our talks my wife said "I am not going to tell you his name". My reaction was a placing of my hand on the back of her neck and telling her if I wanted to know about him I would know about him in afew seconds. It scared the He** out of her. I was trying to have her not tell me anything about htis guy and I was wanting him to remain a facelees subhuman so I could minimalize him. I could not take another cutting in half again. I simply could not hear her defend this guy again. I had threatened to take our children out of our home because of her actions. I did not want our children to be exposed to things like that much less find something on the floor like I did. My dumb lawyer said well just get her to sign a contract saying you would get primary custody if she did it again. So I came home to ask her to do that. I would ave never actually gone through with it just like the threat to her neck but she thought I would and I was a test and she failed. The next day she grabbed the children and said that daddy is going to take you to California if we do not hurry and move. They moved to a shelter at the demand of her mother and placed a restraining order against me to stay away from her and the children. She left because of her A and wanted to keep our children. She left for the shelter because she would be protected and be able to continue the A with free room and board for months and then they would give her an apartment rent free for a year.

My wife asked for 6 months of a restraining order and the judge said that there was a 1 year minimum so she agreed. I took full blame said nothing about the affair and have taken every shot from everyone about sole responsibility for this seperation I spoke to only a few friends about what had actually happened. My wife embellished the statements in the restraing order to make thing worst than they were. But I fully and untruthfully took full responsibility for everything in the order. I wanted my wife and children to stay in the shelter and that restraining order was the only way they could. I would have admitted to killing 4 in California if it meant that my family would stay off the street. Well my wife began to contact me 2 weeks after the restraining order was placed. A clear violation. We began talking a couple of times per week and seeing each other about the same. We would meet in Home Depot parking lots at late evenings so I do not believe fear was involved because she would be put at risk. Well one weekend my wife said that she was going to the movies and she was very very dressed up for my wife. So I asked the children what they wanted to do and they said toys r us or the park. I chose toys r us. Upon leaving the store I looked in the parking lot for my wifes car as I passed the movies. It wasn't there. I thought that was odd but I left it as that. But I did notice it. My wife called later that day and talked to my daughter. My daughter said we went to the movies to look for you and. About that time I asked my daughter to please be quiet because she was loud and my son and I were watching cartoons. My wife took it as me telling my daughter to stop talking about me going to the movies to find her. Well I did not try and convince her because she was going to belive what she wants to believe. I know the truth. A week or two later my wife went away for the weekend and said she would call the kids saturday night. My wife usually called right on time. She did not call until the next evening. A week or so later the kids and I were driving down a road and my daughter said that is our new apartment so I turned the car and saw their apartment complex. Since we had been talking and visiting I did not think it was a big deal to see the aprtment complex. Later my wife told me the area it was in. No big deal. A weekend later my wife asked me for one of our computers since she left with very limited items. She said that she had to do a paper for work and would set the computer up at the shelter to do it. I gave her a $3500. 00 computer being nice to her. Well the next day it snowed in Santa Fe and my wife had asked me to install wipers on her suburban. My wife has a problem seeing in rain and snow so I went to work to install her wipers. She was not around and I placed the old wipers infront of her windshiled so shecould see that I was there and not that I snuck in unanounced. Again no big deal. While I installed the wiper I could see that my wife had the computer still in the back of our car. She lied. So I had enough and I was tired of being cut in half and decided finally after 3 months to start to check up on her. I searched the cell phone records and found that one number had hundreds of dollars of call up until midnight. I thought the number looked familiar so I called a friend and told them the number and I said a name that I thought it might be and he said yes that was te guy. I later found out that maybe I was lied to by the guy at the phone company. So I called the guys mother and father and they said he moved out about the same period my wife said the OM ad moved to California. The parents told me about his new girlfriend that he would never bring by. They told me the girlfriends fact for about a half hour and they fit my wife. I told them I think it might be my wife. Since they know both of us the said on my god it sounded like my wife on the phone. Then they told me everything they knew. It sounded more like my wife. I went home and got cut in half again. Shortly after that the OM called and denied it. I hung up the phone on him and said I would see him in Ca. He called back and admitted it and said he did it to get back at my for taking over our business and he gave me graphic details about my wife and their affair. I again was cut in half. I have found out that he may have been lying to me to get even. Well I called a cell phone my wife had that she did not know I had the phone number to and told her "I now know everything. Goodbye" and hung up. She got scared rabbed the children and went underground at the shelter where she is today. I just got my fifth versin of what happened from my wifes mother who my wife now admits she lied to twice about the affair and changed her story two times. Now she wants to take my children Ihave paid $11,360.00 in her bills in the last 3 months. I was ordered to pay $836.00 because her attorney asked for it and I simply agreed. She then asked for me to give her our suburban again I agreed. Total support about $1500..00 per month. Our business fell apart ecause I cared less for it that our marriage. And now she has our children possibly the OM and a desire to put me in jail becase I paid her bills to the creditors and not her directly. This was done mostly at her request. She is in the shelter and te shelter is telling her to leave never look back if you do he will kil you and we will take away your rent subsidy resulting in her back to on the street. I am torn between walking into court and taking my shot from her and telling the truth and possibly having her placed on the street. I do not like the though of violation the restraing orders penalties but they were done at her request and if it means my wife and children will not be on the street I will do it. My mother in law says that the marriage is over. Abuser do not change and the folks at the shelter are telling her everyday to leave. She is finally believing them I would not hurt my wife but I canot say a thing without looking like a bad guy. My wife told me ater she moved out that she was proud of me and that she did not want to leave. So I do not know what to do or how to proceed. I immediately went on my own to 3 different counselors and a family center to begin to change. I am changing but it is a long process. My wifes shelter says men do not change. The bottom line is I feel now that my wife is using a false restraing order to withhold my children from me but I do not want her to be in fear I will take the children and I do not want to upset the apple cart anymore that I have. I do ot know what to do if anything and I could use all of the advice I can get. Thanks and sorry about the lenght of this topic.

Glenn,
Good for you that you found this sight. It is sometimes in our darkest hours that we find the brightest light. I hope this site can be that for you. It sounds like things have really gotten confusing for you and your family.
Glenn, be proud of yourself that you are brave enough to ask for help. That is the first and best start. Listen to what people here have to say, try to get Steve Harley's books and try to maybe get some phone counseling from the man himself.
Right now, and remember I am no expert, this is just an opinion, you need to focus on yourself and figuring out what you need to do to fix the things YOU need to fix.
The best way to get results is to make small changes.
It sounds to me like you still have very justifiable concerns that the affair is still continuing. Unfortunately with your wife being in a shelter and the restraining order being in place you wont really know for sure.
You need to remember to obey that restraining order and try to keep a line of communication open with anyone close to your wife. If you keep that open, when you are ready, you will be able to talk to your wife.
Just small suggestions, I just wanted to applaud you for having the strength to come and post and lay yourself out there like that. It takes a lot of courage to admit you messed up. Try not to get too down on yourself and just focus on making the changes you need. It sounds to me like you have an enormous amount of potential to become a loving, safe haven for your wife. All is not hopeless.
Be brave and be safe,
Get the books and counseling and keep us posted every step of the way.
You are in my prayers,
Layli

Read the links below.

Hi glenn,

That's quite a story and a lot of info to process.There is a lot going on right now for you but like it was mentioned,one of the best steps for you to take is that counseling to help yourself but also to show your W that you care about her and don't want to hurt her anymore so you are trying to get professional help.

Whether or not your W is still having the A you first need to work on you and present a stable loving person that your W and kids might be able to come back to eventually.It is a really long process but one step at a time and do keep coming here,read,read,read and post when you have more questions and things start leveling out a bit more.When some time has passed and you are not so hurt by the A you can begin to lay the groundwork for opening the communication with your W to where you both feel comfortable talking about things and you can do the Plan A.So read up on that.

Good luck.

O