I was wondering if anybody else is feeling the same way I am? My husband cheated on me. I found out about 2 years ago. We are still together, however I don't feel a connection to him anymore. I love him and want to stay married,but I'm not sure why. I am longing for a connection with someone. I want to feel the butterflys again. I want to feel passion again. I want to feel the emotional connection with someone again. I have thought about trying to connect with someone else on a emotional level, because it is not happening at home. But on the same hand I know that, that is wrong. Any advice?

In need,

Glad you asked the question. What have you read so far?

Surviving and Affair
HIs Needs/Her Needs
Givers/Takers

There is another book and I can't think of the name right at the moment but if you go to the library or the bookstore or even look up under the concepts section above you will find a book about how to restore the ENs in your M.

Basically it is a give n take need on the part of both. It does take 2. Each person needs to have both in their lives to feel fullfilled.

Maybe others will share more info. ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

take care,
L.

To be honest, and I know that this is not going to be a popular responce, but I have yet to read anything.

I have talked about it to my Pastors wife, but that is about it. I have only talked to her about the affair, not what I am feeling now. I would be too embaressed to go to her about wanting to connect with someone else. That totally goes against the churches beliefs. I will look into some of those books though.

I am pretty desprit right now. I acctually met a man on the internet last Friday.I was in a 30's chat room,(not a sexual one). He IM'ed me and we clicked instantly. We have done nothing wrong, but I know that we could become fast REALLY good friends. I need that interaction that I don't feel for my husband anymore. Everytime I look to him for it I am reminded of what he did. And to top it off it was with a good friend of ours, so that to me makes worse.

HELP!!!

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 12:25 AM: Message edited by: in need ]</small>

In Need

Your right your not going to get a good response. One thing you need to do is NC your OM. And it is an OM. Second stop visiting chat rooms. Your way to vulnerable at this time to be doing this. Put your energy into your M and your H not into a fantasy.

You really don't know the character of the person that IM you. My W met her OM through email. Thats how he was able to manipulate her. To him she was just a piece of meat. To her she thought that he actually cared. Well he didn't, he just wanted a toy. This OM had over 30+ years of A's and practice. Do you want to be a victem of a shark. They might seem like friends, but thats the game.

Is it your plan to be a WW? Is this what you want. I doubt it. Poe didn't plan her A, but it happened. She was vulnerable, and your doublely so.

Did you forgive your H? What are you doing to get closer to him. Are you meeting his EN's and is he meeting yours?

What have you and your H been doing to fully redeem your M?

I totally understand what you are saying except it seems like you are putting the recovery on me. I didn't have the affair!! The part about meeting his needs. I thought I always did, and he told me I did. That was not the reason for the affair. Tell me if I am wrong, but shouldn't it be his resposibilty to make things better? He broke us not me. I love him, but I am afraid that he killed the in love with him part. I don't know how to revive it.

In need,

U did have an EA and see how quickly it ignited your feelings yet when you see your H you feel numb. U R taking your H for granted and the OM excited you because of the mystery of the R. New, exciting, mysterious, enchanting, fantasy, euphoric, etc.

Your H reminds you of you. How you are viewing him is how you really view yourself. The EA will continue to haunt you until reality sets in. What you do to yourself and your family in the interim constitutes the effects of the A and all the pain you read here.

You are setting yourself to fail and you will blame your H all the while wallowing in the fantasy and longing to having those feelings like a drug.

Is that how you want to live? Does your family deserve that treatment?

U decide. Read those books quickly. You have a chance not to suffer like we have. You have the chance to save your M and your family. There is a lot of work ahead for you and your H. It is just as much your responsibility as his.

It has been suggested that you start by writing down, 5 nice things about yourself and 10 about your H each day. Then once a week, find something nice and surprising for him. Could be big or litltle. Try that and let us know.

L.

In need

Yes he is responable for his A, 100% resonsibe for his A, and yes he should be giving 100% to the redeeming of your M.

But, so should you. Your still in the M, you need to start with your actions, choose to love your H despite what he has done.

This is something you need to talk to your H about. Its something he needs to know, and how can he work on it unless you tell him. Start communicating. Also, does your H know your chatting with OM online? Would you want him chatting with OW'en online? Your first post in this topic said that you were thinking about connecting with someone, and later that same day you did. Online people can pretend to be anything. Tell your H what you did. I don't think its an EA yet, but with your vulnerability it could happen quick.

You are responsible for your part in redeeming your M.

Time, Patience and Love. Does your H know your EN's and if he doesn't how can he meet them. Tell your H what your needs are, and what your feeling or not feeling.

Orchid, I DID NOT have an EA. I have thought about having an EA. I met someone on the internet last Friday. All we did was talk for a few min. I told him that I was married, and then we talked about stupid mindless stuff. I hardly call that having an EA. My H had the affair. A full blown PA. I DO know how that feels. Why am I the one who is taking HIM for granted?? I do not feel the responsibilty in lifting him up. He has the affair, but I have to make him feel like a king. That is not fair. This is his fault not mine!

Silver...

Thank you, No we don't talk about it much. Everytime I have brought it up, it has been like NOT THIS AGAIN. I don't feel like the communication lines are open. He says that he is sorry and that he can do nothing about it so it should just go away. I cant I think about it daily. And the bad thing is that I knew this person very well, so you can imagin the pictures I get in my head. As far as the other guy, yes I do believe that it could turn into something if I were to let it. Maybe not with him, but I am not an ugly woman I could find someone if I wanted to. The reason I went on that chat line was just to find a friend. I know that sounds stupid, but it is the truth. I was in what I would call a harmless chat room. If I was looking for a relationship, there are alot of sex chat rooms I could have gone in. At that point I was just looking to talk to someone. It could have been a girl for all I cared, it just happened that it was a guy. Am I making excuses?? You probably say yes, but I am trying to put it into perspective that nothing has happened yet. I know you are probably saying to yourself yet . He is a really nice guy and we hit it off. Is it wrong to want to have a friend. I like the fact that he doesn't know me, because I can tell him anything without it comming back to haunt me later. I mean that I can talk about our problems, just like I am doing here, and it won't get back to my husband. He doesn't like me to talk to anybody about what he did. I do understand what you both are saying. I want to stay married. We just need alot of work. I guess I do have some resentment that he has done this but I have to fix it. I know that he bares responsibilty too, but I feel like I didn't do anything wrong I shouldn't have the burden of having to fix it.

PS. No he doesn't know. Yes I should tell him. As far as him talking to OW'en. I probaly would not like it, but I do not trust him after what he has done. I also have always had allot of guy freinds. I never got along with women well, thoughout my life, so for me to have guy friends is nothing new to my husband.

<small>[ January 20, 2004, 09:34 AM: Message edited by: in need ]</small>

Inneed,

No need to be so defensive. If you feel you didn't have an A, then so be it. Just watch your reactions though. Remember you know what it looks like coming from your H.

How about the books and list suggestions? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

In Need

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Well, your probably right about some of your guesses about what I would think, but not completely. I would just caution you to be careful. Even a harmless chat room isn't really harmless. A lot of sharks will circle those types of chatrooms. Poe's OM started emailing her pretending to be a friend. His agenda was his own, and Poe was vulnerable. He actually got her to give him the ammo to use to manipulate her.

Just be very careful. Please, for your own sake.

Your M can be redeem to its fullest, just keep talking and sharing and being open with each other. And I do agree, he should be treating you like a queen. He should realize that just as your lifting him up, he should be doing the same to you. Even more so.

I'm tired time for bed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , I do hope you have a great day.

Silver

ps: Poe also gets along with guys more than gals.

<small>[ January 21, 2004, 02:20 AM: Message edited by: Silverthorn ]</small>