Hi All-

I wanted to let you know that I was offered a position yesterday in sales of all things. I'm a little scared because I've never "DONE" anything like this before and it's not something I sought out...it found me.

I'm really nervous because there is no base salary structure. It's 100% based on comission. My concerns are that I will give up my reliable and predictable unemployment income and basically earn nothing while I'm on the learning curve.

My thoughts are that I can accept this position and still look. I think that it's better to have something lined up than nothing. Also, the earning potential IS very high IF I am successfull at it.

One of the benefits is that I will be working with seniors. That is somewhat apealing to me because I love to hear the life lessons of people. If I can be successful helping them, then I can also continue my spiritual growth by learning from their journeys, trials, and triumphs.

I'm up in the air at this point and will likely consult with the unemployment agency to find out how this all will work while I am "in training" for this position.

any thoughts are welcome. I may not answer right away, but I do read all of your responses.


Now onto the child updates...

I had the meeting with X on tuesday regarding custody. It was a very colorful meeting and I was amazed at the insight and wisdom of this court appointed social worker. Her questioning was based mostly at X while I sat and for the most part stewed in my juices.

What came out of the situation was that X presented a VERY screwed up view on how the world works. I summarized it as the firefly attracted to the flame. Basically, he wants me to "DANCE" around his life as if he was the flame. Providing all of the "sitter" duties when he needs them. He desires custodialship of DS and has the mind that his GF or MOM will take care of DS when he has to travel.

He also felt that if I moved into the same town that he lives in then he would have NO problem allowing DS to live with me...

He wonders why I will not permit GF to take responsibility for DS, when I am willing, capable, and comitted to DS 1000%.

The basic outcome is that we will have to have the court perform an evaluation, investigation, and ruling about the best interests of DS.

I'm scared because I am running out of $ to pay for a lawyer for all of this. I am not working, I don't collect any $ from him, and unless I fight hih, DS will probably wind up in a situation that is less than adequate for HIS emotional healing.

Please understand that I am NOT claiming that I am a better parent. I am stating that I finally have my head screwed on straight and now know enough to keep focused on the best interest of DS. I don't feel that partyinig, traveling, and being a workaholic are in the best interests of DS.

One of the strangest comments that X made in that meeting was that I was still emotionally attached to him, but he wasn't to me. I had to look at him and simply grin. He further clarified his position by stating: "I have no expectations of her other than the needs I have about DS." I just shook my head and realized that I really don't even LIKE the person I was sitting in that room with. I couldn't see at that moment anything that attracted me to him mini the first place. I saw repeatedly - constant denial. There was constant blame, accusations, and righteous anger.

I didn't deny anything that I had done, and simply tried to be as honest and truthful asa I could be. Several times when presenting FACTS only, I was told: "Don't becomme all motherly now and pretend that this is what your issues are about." Why can't he see that it is EXACTLY what it's all about.

I care about him only to the extent that I'm saddened to see someone spiraling out of control and knowing there is nothing I could do to affect that. These are not my observations from an ego protection point of view.

These are conclusions that have happened through journaling and spiritual work. I'm not judging him at all because I know that this is necessary for him to start his path to healing.

One of the things that we always talked about was that I was always about 2 years ahead of him in terms of emotional changes and growth and stuff. Ironically, I see that he is now where I was at 2 1/2 years ago. He's in pain, and trying anything and everything to "FIX" himself. He's running from the truth and creating a disaster in his wake...The problem is that pain is calling and eventually it catches you whene you least expect it.

His actions as of late show me that his choices towards DS have been from the inner child, not the responsible adult in him. In a way, I'm happy to see this because I KNOW where he's been and I know in the end, it will bringing him to healing. It's still painful to watch though. In a way - and please don't take this the wrong way, - I'm almost excited to be able to watch this happen from where I stand. I guess that from ehere I sit, I can SEE spirit working. It's kind of cool to realize that all humans have their calling. It's how you listen that makes the difference.

I'm not going to be on THIS ride. I just pray that in the end, I can keep DS stable enough on this side so that he can get through this in a healthier way than when I self destructed.

Ramblinig thoughts-

Goddess Kily:

Wow. I can only hope that, if I should ever find myself alone, I will never, ever forget what I love about my FWW.

It seems like your X is going 2 let this demon of his forever rule his thinking and behavior 2ward others. How truly sad.

best,
-ol' 2long

Kily, if you don't mind me asking, what was it that you did that he is so angry about?

2long-

good to hear from you...I've been hanging at the other site a little...I've missed you.

Yes, I do believe that this demon wilil be on his back for a ling time to come...the important thing is that now I see what I own, and what I don't.

I'm getting stronger every day.

Solon-
I've followed your story and have wanted to kick your WW in the A$$ a few times.

In a brief summation:
I cheated on my BF while I was having a nervous breakdown.
I left in a declaration of my independance and went on a 2 week trip to an exotic island with OM.
3 days after sept. 11, I moved out - this was about 2 weeks after the return from my trip.
Stayed in the FOG for a while, during the FOG I started working on what was wrong with me.
a year after moving out, I went on nanother 2 week vacation, while there, I had the real WAKE UP call when I realized I was in a hotel with a complete stranger and I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror.
Returned home - tried to make amends, offered NC, all the MB stuff.
At that same time, HE found his SOULMATE and refused to try.

In a nutshell, I've continued to work on me and I've healed a lot of the issues that I had. I've become the person that we both KNEW I could be. I realize that he has anger and bitterness from my past choices, but I thhink it goes beyond that. i think that because my life went so out of control that he expected me to continue on that path. The fact that I turned around and have now Plan-A'd my a$$ off and also made my son the priority that I have, has made the pain greater because I really am not the evil person that I became for a time.

I got lost, made some really bad choices, became accountable for them, have truly tried to make amends, but can not accept that same kind of treatment towards DS. In my opinion, if his demons are running rampant that's fine...I've been there. I can't justify hurting DS if I have the knowledge and power to do it differently.

I hope I wasn't too presumptuous in my answer. I do believe that there is still LOVE there buried deep beneath the bitterness and anger. I think that is why the hate is so deep.