I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. My entire story can be read in the 'Recovery' thread under 'Coping with Withdrawal'. I feel helpless and tired. There has been much damage in my marriage and often it was me who is to blame for many things, even if there were things that I could not help. I feel bad about it and I wish that I could turn back the clock and make it all go away and make it better, but I can't. Because of all this, my husband has been in a very long-term EA and I don't think that he will ever be able to let go of this woman.

Things were getting better; it seemed like we were going somewhere. Sex was good, my husband tells everyone that he wants a baby with me, we are fixing up the house, he bought my lovely christmas presents and a very dear card that I read almost daily. He also bought me a new wedding band; it was beautiful. I've never owned anything like this before. I felt so proud. Well, it's gone now. We had to return it; the store made a mistake and could not locate the certificate of authenticity. We gave the ring back. I felt like it was ripped from my heart. I don't blame my husband; I feel sad for him. He tried. But it still hurts. I also found out last night, he sent a Christmas present to OW. The same bath beads that he gave to me for Christmas. It hurts. He said nothing is going on; they are friends. He's been with me for 13 years; he loves me, but her friendship is important to him.

I printed out EN questionnaires, LB questionnaires, filled them out, tried to get him to fill them out. He doesn't want to; doesn't need this 'scientific stuff'. Loves me and that's the end of it.

He suggested counseling, but didn't follow through now because he thinks that we are okay. He didn't want to tell me about the present because he said that I would make a big deal out of it.

He is my first real relationship; I was very young. I feel hurt; sometimes I think about meeting someone else. I just want to feel like a woman again and not like a doormat.

Kati

Hi kati,

I haven't read your whole story yet but answering to just this post I would have to say YUK! How could he give that OW the SAME Christmas gift as you? That is in extremely poor taste.

The entire bs(not betrayed spouse) story of nothing going on and they are just "friends" is such a cliche,it's a lie.Of course the "friendship" is important to him,it's more than that most definitely, that's why he won't let go and refuses to do any questionnaires,scientific or otherwise,and he didn't tell you about the present to OW because it is a secret that you fortunately found out about.LYING BY OMISSION.It is most certainly not the end of it for you.He is still in this long term EA.

I will try to read your other story today and post another response there.

O

I'm so sad for you. I've been through what you are going through too many times to mention. However, after a year of hell with my FWH, I believe we on way down the road to recovery.

Your WH is following the same old script. Unfortunately, sounds like to me he is still in the fog. There really is a fog. It's like a state of addiction to the OW. Fortunately my FWH was able to see it for what it was. After coming home for the 3rd time, I pretty sure he is staying. However, I have come to accept her power over him. As long as he can stay away from her, the more sane he becomes.

In regards to her WH, he is not ready to learn or apply the MB Principles as long as he is in the fog. I was told by Steve Harley, "you can't be a teacher if you don't have a student". I'm sorry to tell you this but he was probably just playing a game with you. Until the WS is really free from the OP, his aim is to stay in the A. He wants to get his drug fix. That's the other important point. The A is like an addiction. He has to stay away from her forever.

My recommendation is for you to apply the MB Principles. Develop your own plan. What are the ENs that you did not meet. Begin changing. He will even try to get you to fail at your changes. That's how strong the addiction is. Don't give up. Keep executing your plan and it is likely to work eventually. But this unfortunately takes time and going through the process.

You have to be ready for the rollercoaster ride. You have to be willing and able to fignt for your marriage when there will be many forces fignting against you.