Hi Beau, first off I want to say how very much I enjoy your posts. You are a wealth of information and common sense.

I wanted to ask you about this statement in another thread because I found it so interesting:

" I've spent the last 40 years in healthcare helping sick people and have been involved in helping friends in the medical community deal with infidelity on both sides of an affair. People in the medical community are number two on the infidelity top ten professions list. I recently retired (not forever but to take a long break) and started posting on MB and other sites that deal with infidelity."

I have friends in the medical community and I never cease to be amazed at the rampant infidelity that goes on in my their workplaces. It is commonplace!

This amazes me because this RARELY happens in my profession. I work in the soft drink industry now and previously in the food/tobacco industry. I can tell you of exactly TWO indicents in 15 years of workplace infidelity. It is just not tolerated. The last man that did was fired on the spot and escorted off the premises by a security guard!

Why do you think there is such a stark difference between various fields? What other professions have a high prevalence?

Hi Melody,

I hope you don't mind if I jump in here in front of beau but I am an RN and the sexual "tension" environment that I used to work in was palpable.You had a bunch of young,smart, attractive women(mostly) RN's working side by side with a bunch of attractive,intelligent doctor's or residents all working together for the common good and healing sick people and well you have a breeding ground for affairs, not to mention the egos abound so you can also have a bunch of "I am great" people feeling good about what they do,are good doing it and have that common interest which is helping people.

My counselor told me that surgeons have one of the highest affair "rates" if not THE highest from what he has experienced. I believe it too from what I have gone through.It's like a "GOD complex".The may feel like they can do,be,have anything and anyone and that may include seeking the continued affection and admiration of others and taking it to the top level(infidelity).

I can tell you I was "tempted" more than once when I was working in a major world reknowned hospital and engaged.If I wasn't very aware of myself and what I wanted,I may have broken my engagement and ended up married to one of those doctor's.Who knows.The way my marriage has turned out now,it might have been better.No,probably not.

There are some funny stories I could tell like the time I was working the evening shift(3-11pm)at the hospital and we knew that a Nurse and a resident,who was married,were having an affair and they were in this old storage room one night so someone called a code blue to that room and boy weren't they embarrassed.That really wasn't appropriate in case someone really needed the code team but it just goes to show you what people will do to get what they want.

O

I, too, work in the medical field and have for 14 years. My personal feelings on the subject are that many people in the medical field end up having affairs just because of the ease with which making excuses for time is available. At least that was my case. In the job I was previously at, I did a lot of 'on call' time and it became increasingly easy to tell my H that I was going back to the hospital 'on a call back.' This may not be true in all cases, but it was a factor in how easy it was to continue my A for almost two years.

Octobergirl and Screwed Royally explain the problem very well. People that work closely together and share life and death decisions begin to develop and attitude that they are some how above everyone else and because they make such good decisions at work that they will make good decision in their personal life. It just ain't so! Doctors make very poor decions about their personal life.

I have a long time friend that practices general surgery. He has been married 4 time and has 5 kids. Several of which are in college at the same time. He works his behind off ever day just to pay aliminy and child support. He lives in a dinky appartment and drives a 6 year old Ford Explorer. Go figure. This is an intellegent man that has a "God complex" and because of it has made some stupid decisions in his life.
To me he has ruined his life because of his poor judgement regarding his family(s).

There is no telling how many women he has slept with in the last 30 years. I have told him on more than once occasion that the Robin Williams joke about men only having enough blood to run their brain or their penis but not both at the same time fits him to a tee. He has no shame.

Beau

OctoberGirl, Screwed, and SonofWf, thanks for the excellent feedback. It has always mystified me why there was such a difference in the medical field, but what you say makes great sense.

Beau, you said the medical field was SECOND in terms of workplace infidelity? Which industry is first?

Melody

I belive that police officers are in first place on the top 10 infidelity list. Have you ever noticed how many young women get pulled over because of some trivial mistake or a blown out back light? Cops and medical dotors share that "God complex" and have tremendous problems in their personal life.

Regular hard working people don't have problems nearly as bad as do many professional folks

Beau

my wife is having a affair with coworker. and people her tell me i sould not contact her job.

In Dr Harley's book 'Love Busters' there is a chapter titled 'Resolving Conflicts Over Career Choices' and in it he states the following:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Careers that are notoriously hard on marriages are those that separate spouses overnight. And the longer the separation, the more likely it is that the career will cause the loss of love, and possibly a divorce. Military marriages, for example, are notoriously bad because couples can be separated for months at a time. But those who work on ships, pilots and flight attendants, over-the-road truckers, or train engineers also tend to have disappointing marriages because their jobs keep them away from their spouses for days or even weeks.

I can thank the airline industry for giving me the opportunity to make a living as a marriage counselor. Their employees helped me become an expert on the subject of infidelity, because many of these folks were having affairs in almost every way possible. They also gave me confidence in my methods, since these couples provided such a difficult testing ground, and the methods proved succesful even under those conditions"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Octobergirl said......
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...........and the sexual "tension" environment that I used to work in was palpable.You had a bunch of young,smart, attractive women(mostly) RN's working side by side with a bunch of attractive,intelligent doctor's or residents all working together for the common good and healing sick people and well you have a breeding ground for affairs, not to mention the egos abound so you can also have a bunch of "I am great" people feeling good about what they do,are good doing it and have that common interest which is helping people.

My counselor told me that surgeons have one of the highest affair "rates" if not THE highest from what he has experienced. I believe it too from what I have gone through.It's like a "GOD complex".The may feel like they can do,be,have anything and anyone and that may include seeking the continued affection and admiration of others and taking it to the top level(infidelity).
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Everyone at MB knows that an affair is the ultimate in selfish behaviour. I can't think of an industry that has a larger percentage of narcissists than the medical industry. (Actually I can, acting)

JMHO,
Cwmac

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't think of an industry that has a larger percentage of narcissists than the medical industry. (Actually I can, acting)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While not an industry per se, politicians are certainly one narcisitic group of people.

I work at smaller hospital and infidelity is rampant.

Most of our doctors are still married to their first wives, and most are in their 40's and 50's. There are a few that are known for cheating but most of them have gotten some sort of punishment (ie..OW now New wife finding a younger man, get Dr. arrested and ending up with BIG $$).

Where I see a lot of it is in the Tech's and the RN's. Most are younger, mid-twenties and early thirties, they are making decent money and want a man to share it with. Since our community is small and mostly married, they go for that. Since my husband has been working at the hospital, I have noticed a lot of women giving him the "head to toe" look over. How have I noticed? I was standing right there. They are blatent.

On the funny side, one of our Dr's recently filed a complaint for sexual harrassment against one of our Techs. Serves her right, if she's guilty.

NO JOKE, I FEEL THAT AFTER I WORKED TO HELP PUT MY W/W THROUGH RN SCHOOL SHE STARTED MAKING GOOD MONEY AND SEES ME AS A BURDEN AND WANTS A LIFE OF HER OWN. SHE IS A GREAT WOMAN BUT A BIG PART OF ME DOES HONESTLY FEEL THIS WAS. I FOUND OUT THAT SHE WAS ACTUALLY HAVING SEX AT WORK. THAT HURTS.

TMCM,
You're right about politicians but I had already covered them by mentioning acting. Whether it's actors as politicians or politicians as actors, it is one and the same.

I'm sounding awfully cynical

cwmac

I am a physician. I could have had probably 20 or 30 'affairs' had I been so inclined. Nurses were blatant. Other doctors were blatant. Drug reps were blatant.

That has NOTHING to do with whether a person has an affair or not. It is the base character of the person. That is all. Physicians tend to earn more money and therefore have less 'need' to be married. But that doesn't explain it either. No other person, that I know of in my medical training or other specialties, had affairs. Of course, I am the one whose wife was having 3 at the same time and I didn't know about it, so I could have missed thousands.

My ex said for our entire marriage, "I am afraid that you will stay with me until you finish then you will leave me." I heard that at least twice a year every year for some reason or another. I NEVER even came close. I never entertained the thought, however I could have so easily. Once, a beautiful nurse was waiting for me in my call room when I went to bed. NO ONE was around, and there was no doubt in what she was desiring. Truthfully, I just thought to myself, 'I can't believe that she is here. I have to get to sleep'. I never had anyone in my call room, but she knew that I was finished for the night, and was on her lunch break. I still to this day don't know how she got the lock open.

It has never been a thought. Other doctors have asked me out for drinks after work. I ALWAYS turned them down, both men and women. Because I wanted to get home to be with my family.

It is just the character of the person. There are bad apples in every field. I do believe that the tension of the job environment leads to more 'need for relief' as well as 'she/he really understands me'. I think that there is attraction in power. I have seen it so very many times. I believe there is attration in finances. I believe that there is attraction in physical appearance as well.

Now that I am divorced, I am CONSTANTLY hit upon everywhere I go. It is sad really. Because all I ever wanted was my family and a couple horses. I would have been very happy with those things and nothing else. My ex fulfilled her prophecy herself by having several concurrent affairs during the last few years of our marriage. I think, truthfully, that she had convinced herself that I was going to or was actively engaged in affairs of my own. And 'By God, she wasn't going to let me leave her. She would do the leaving.' She was always of the attitude

Do unto others, before they have a chance to do unto you!!!

I hope to heal sometime... then I can take advantage of the 'draw' that I have on so many. Even after 2 years now, I am not up to the 'spectacular man' that I know I can be. I have dated TONS, but have only had one semi serious relationship, which is not turning out to be very good, BECAUSE OF ME and where I am finding I still am in the process. I just want a family. I want someone who loves me more than her ego. It kills me, but I would have died in a heartbeat for my ex up until the day I found out about her 4th affair. That is when my 'you're a doctor, you can fix anything' mentality finally saw the truth.

<small>[ January 21, 2004, 08:34 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Oh my favorite subject. In my humble opinion, the hours worked by medical people cause lots of problems for a marriage.

My dear friend was in intensive care last year and I went to visit him after work. The nurse that was caring for him was working 12 hour days. It was 5:00PM and she still had not had a meal. I wrote a letter to the hospital and never received a reply. How can someone work 12 hours in critical situations, and go home to take care of their families?

It's the same thing with doctors. It's a miracle that they can make the right decision. No wonder so many marriages are biting the dust, with the long grueling hours these folks are working.

There has to be a better way.