Seems that I can't seem to get out of the funk that I have been in for the last few days. Doesn't seem to help that XH (SNL) didn't pay medical bills, and now I have been refused treatment for my torn rotator cuff. I am trying to find things to do to get my mind off of this. But the issues have been facing me from 8AM yesterday and today. I get up and make calls, trying to get things solved. Had school yesterday, and this problem of not being able to be seen because of delinquent bills that XH is suppose to pay in the divorce decree and he hasn't is upsetting. Of course XH is not upset, cause he goes on with his day like nothing is wrong. He doesn't have to worry about his credit, cause it is all screwed up already. I on the other hand worry and keep fighting for my life.

I have tried a few things today to get my head out of the saddness cloud overhead. Took a long hot bath, and burned a candle and laid in the tub and cried. Hoping the tears would end, and I would feel better. Tried painting for pleasure, a eagle that I am trying to do, to no avail. I have homework to do, and tried to take time to read my assignment, but nothing is sinking in right now. Tried reading about the new diet book to start, and can't even go beyond a few pages. I do feel that I just want someone to hold me. And of course there is no one to hold me. Just in a crummy mood.

I was thinking of going out to get a bottle of wine, but I am on medication that should not be taken with alcohol.

Just trying to ease the pain, and the soreness that I carry everyday. My shoulder has been giving me more pain, I think it has to do with the severe cold weather we are experiencing. The bed feels good at night, once I get it warm with my body head. Two nights ago, the two kittens they are older now, slept with me, and it was warmer. I do sleep with socks on, and flannel pajamas. Just the shoulder can't find a comfortable spot, and then again, the stress of the Drs. offices calling me and telling how I am being deceitful with them. Basically it was XH that was deceitful, and I am once again taking the grunt of his deceit. Just like his sexual psycho. she lied to me and told me that she was going to kill herself if I told her husband. That bothers me quite a bit, that I let a sick woman manipulate me. And my husband didn't even try to stop the woman,, or tell me that the woman is sick in the head, and that if she calls again he will handle it. Yep, I was left to deal with him by myself, her bymyself, and deal with my kids by myself, for husband was too into woe is me crap.

Maybe a sunlamp would help with Vit. D. could be a portion of depression too.

I am also, not losing weight, cause I a n so sedentary. Stupid shoulder and back hurts soo.. much.

I know exercise increased the endorphins. Maybe I could take wine and try getting on the treadmill. That way I would not feel the pain as much. No, stupid thought. I would probably fall off the treadmill.

So got to try a diet, and quit eating. Not eating properly, and that has an effect on emotions too.

Well, all that I can think of now. Just lonely tonight, and no one to really talk to . Night.

Sorry you are feeling so low. Bills can get you down, especially when you can't get medical treatment. Try getting a full length pillow. I put one beside me at night - someone here suggested it. Another trick is to put beans in a pillow case and microwave it for about 8 minutes. Then take it to bed with you. It will stay warm for several houurs. It is very comforting and comfortable. Keep posting and reading here. Hugs to you from California.

F4M,

You have good organizational skills. If you were in my area, my husband would love to trade therapy for bookkeeping. I took a day off from work yesterday to get caught up on seven years of chaos - and got about 40% of it done - but it took 3 people working 8+ hours to get that far - so there'd be some significant benefit to trading for a therapist who isn't up to a full practice yet, but needs to have bookkeeping and documentation in order in the event of an audit.

I tore my rotar cuff snowmobiling a few years back. I went through several weeks of specialized deep tissue therapy and now have full range of motion. I never did need to have surgery and it was an extremely bad tear.

Time to get creative and think about what is possible.

Hi Faith4me,

Haven't chatted with you in a while. Sorry to hear your shoulder is still in pain. Hope Kayla's advice can help. I am doing some research on that type of injury (I have a cd with some medical research info/experiences) and will send you an e-mail on what I find).

It is sad if SNL can't do his part. Whether we know or now, he knows. He may be ok with that. If he is, that is a shame but you will then have to be more creative. Time will catch up to those who neglect their family, whether they are divorced or not. I am sure SNL will read this post. 'eh SNL? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

The point here is not to dwell on what he isn't doing. Let the doctor's know this medical bills issue is beyond your control but you will do the best you can. Hopefully they can work with you as they are seeing you are doing the best you can (maybe with different options). I know this won't solve all and the recovery will be much slower as a result making it harder on you but that may be what SNL want.s. Given that and the fact that you can't change him, you need to refocus on what you can. ok?

I will be getting back to you later.

Gentle Hug,
L.