Hello,

I will attempt to keep this brief; although, it seems impossible when confronted with such dilemma.

I caught my husband 'flirting' online with IM approximately 2 years ago. He humbly apologized and promised it would never happen again. It didn't.

Last spring, my career and a situation with my children led me to travel during the week. I discussed this situation with my husband and we made arrangements.

On the weekends, a 'friend' and neighbor woman began visiting us. I considered her a friend and realized she came from a very dysfunctional background. My husband and I have cared for foster children, and have taken terminally ill people into our home on occassion. I perceived this situation as being similar and hoped to help her. This Other Woman was 24/25 years old; my husband is 55, a small town physician and I am 47. I am sure you all know exactly where this is leading.

I discovered an email account and found them communicating via this 'disquised' email account. It became evident that this relationship crossed the boundaries. I confronted my husband and again he apologized and promised to end the connection. I believe he tried to terminate the relationship-mostly out of fear. I explained to him the implications and potential legal ramifications, since he is a physician and she is a patient. This becomes a real dilemma as she continues to pursue him. He continues to deny any involvement and maybe it is one-sided. I am not sure. My trust has been shattered. She definitely demonstrates some Axis II disorders and fits the description of a female stalker.

I feel devastated, cheated, frightened, angry...each emotion falls on a continuum of numbness to out of control. I worry about his reputation and career if I contact her husband. He seems to shut me out whenever I attempt to mention her and vehemently denies any involvement. He states that he has learned his lesson and now understands the potential for damage to his career. I want to believe him. However, after asking him today if there had been any contact and he denied it, I discovered her number keyed into his beeper. She had split the numbers of her home phone with 69, as if I am stupid?? She changed the password of the one email address they shared and send him word, "it is for your protection." She told him to call her for the new password and added, "don't know the number still?? LOOK it up!" She then made the calls to his pager as mentioned.
I feel she perceives me as the "Other Woman" and herself as the sole proprieter of my husband!
I am confused and bewildered. I know I must confront him, but hate to do so, knowing his past denial.
Any suggestions?

Renegade,

The way I see it, you have a couple of issues. The biggest being that although your husband has apologized for the(2) affairs - he still fails to take responsibility for them.

If he denies them, he can't learn from their lessons very well, and he will be prone to repeat - no matter how much he denies the possibility. This is the part of affairs that is similar to addictions.

My FWH had his affair with one of his clients. They had known each other for 20 years, and she really had a hard time letting him go.

Back to the addiction thing - he has to acknowledge he has a problem before he can begin to understand what he's dealing with. But so far I've just talked about him.

We all know you can't make someone else change. Only person you can change is yourself.

You've already started by coming here. I hope you read all you can on this website. Harley's book His Needs, Her Needs is a great place to start. Also the Harley's recommend "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Your situation reminds me of several discussed in the NJF's book - so you can get educated.

I also think you/he need counseling to get through this. If he won't go - you go. I counseled with Steve Harley for several months - and I truly think the Harley's are the best. There are some scary stories of strange advice people are getting from some therapists. Also since you're in a small town from what I recall = counseling with the Harley's will keep your situation confidential. There's a counseling link on this website as well.

What can you do today? You can download the EN & LB questionnaires from the website and get to work answering them. Answer one set for you; then one set as though you were your H answering the questions about you.

Gather all the information you can. Get help; don't push this under the rug - because there will be a next time unfortunately if you don't address the issue now.

Depending on how wacko this OW is - you'll need all the help you can get. Blessings, CSue

Renegade, I forgot to tell you this part.

Secrecy - it's the secret account, phone numbers, e-mail accounts that are the dead give-aways that what he's doing is wrong otherwise why the need for secrecy. Ask him that when he again refuses to take responsibility.

If he's doing nothing wrong, then why is he hiding what he's doing. The dishonesty/secrecy is what is so difficult to overcome. It can become habit forming. Get Surviving An Affair from this webisite too. You need to become an expert in affairs.

"Doing something" will help you gain back a little sense of control. Your personal recovery from this betrayal, dishonsty, secrecy is separate from the affair issue - and I think more important than marital recovery. CSue

Sorry for the situation you are in. Worrying about his career adds some problems. You can get the best help from the Harley's. It is expensive, but a lot cheaper than the alternative.

You are a good woman. Don't let this situation keep going on. Contact the counseling here and I'm sure they will be able to walk you through this.

Hang in there and keep posting and reading.

REnegade, I see that this isn't going to go anywhere until he admits the truth. Until that happens, you are spinning your wheels as you probably realize. It might help to gather some evidence and find out for yourself EXACTLY what is going on. Then you will be prepared tp present him with full evidence that he cannot possibly deny.

Spy software on his computer, recorders on your phone, or maybe even a P.I. would tell you what you need know. And maybe he is being entirely truthful and she is stalking him. Either way, you would know WHAT you are dealing with and be better prepared to deal with the situation. As it is, you can't really deal with it because you don't have all the facts.

Some good computer spyware is Starr home version at www.iopus.com and you can get phone recording devices at Radio Shack.

And most importantly, please pick up the book Surviving an Affair. It should be a great help to you.

Another plus in doing fact finding is that you avoid the dangerous trap of making accustations against the WS. First off, you could be completely WRONG [which would be a lovebuster], and if you are right, but have no evidence, they simply deny it all and cover their tracks a little better. Asking a WS to bust themselves is an exercise in futility.

That is why is always best to just find out the truth on your own so you avoid these traps and know what you have to deal with.

REnegade,

One of the problems with communicating like this is that people must make assumptions about the marital situation. I am going to make a few now.

First, I think you have gotten excellent advice in the previous posts, but I am also struck by a comment that put in your post but never followed up on. The fact that you appear to be gone ALL week for work and something having to do with your children.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Last spring, my career and a situation with my children led me to travel during the week. I discussed this situation with my husband and we made arrangements.

On the weekends, a 'friend' and neighbor woman began visiting us. I considered her a friend and realized she came from a very dysfunctional background. My husband and I have cared for foster children, and have taken terminally ill people into our home on occassion. I perceived this situation as being similar and hoped to help her. This Other Woman was 24/25 years old; my husband is 55, a small town physician and I am 47. I am sure you all know exactly where this is leading. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok so now on with the assumptions. Your H is a physician, he probably enjoys helping people. The comment I quoted would suggest that this is NOT much of an assumption. Second he probably NEEDS TO BE NEEDED. Again I would bet this is NOT much of an assumption. He is 55 again no assuption at all.

So what could he possibly be getting from this woman that he is NOT getting from you??

Let me guess.

He gets attention.

He gets a woman that is happy to be around him.

He gets a woman that NEEDS him and values him.

He gets admiration.

He gets someone to talk to.

He gets his loneliness addressed.

Am I close, do you see a pattern here?

I would like to suggest that you read the book His Needs Her Needs by Harley, and Surviving an Affair by Harley.

I am NOT trying to blame the affair (if there is one) on you. But, the vulnerability is there and if you are still gone alot and focused on child issues (how old are your children?), then needs are not getting met, and an EA is a real possibility.

You can do a lot to address this situation, by addressing his needs. He may be right he is NOT having an affair, at least in HIS mind, but he may like the attention, and the contact with OW.

You feel it is stronger and perhaps deeper, and you may be right, but he may feel that unless it is physical it is NOT an affair. Treading on thin ices is that sort of thinking.

I guess what I am saying is give him some benefit of doubt, BUT change the environment of the marriage and see if that doesn't help.

You two sound like very open and giving people, but it has been my experience, that people such as you and your H have some very definite vulnerabilities. Your H may need more from you than you realize. If you can provide it and help him, he will respond.

Those are my thoughts. I hope some of them are of use.

God Bless,

JL