I was talking to a friend today, who is also a proponent of the MB boards, and she made a comment to me. The comment came up because I have been in Plan B for 6 weeks, my husband filed for divorce in November, let us go through the holidays without selling the house, but is now very hot to get the house sold and the divorce finalized very quickly. I have been doing my best to stall, but quite frankly it's exhausting and I'm not sure that I have any more energy to expend doing this.

Needless to say, something came up with my STXH this week and I was talking to her about it and getting her help and guidance. She doesn't want to see me give up, and I don't feel like I"m giving up, just surrendering for my own sanity but in this conversation she told me that I haven't earned my divorce yet.

I wasn't quite sure what she meant and she told me to post the question here as there might be some of you out there that have been through this and may have some advice or a great explanation for this.

Thanks for listening and posting. . .

Hope

I think that "earing your divorce" means doing everything in your power to turn the bad marriage you have into a good marriage.

It's a saying I've heard. The book "Not Just Friends" about infidelity has another saying: "It takes two to make a marriage."

If your STBX isn't interested in earning his divorce, there is nothing you can do about it. Plan B, let him know that you are willing to reconcile at some point, that's about it.

Hope4Best,
I am not sure what she meant by "earning your divorce" so I guess she is the best source for an answer to that. However, I would have to agree that it seems very soon to be moving to divorce. I don't know if you want to save your marriage, and I don't know your story, but there is probably alot you could be doing in addition to delaying the divorce.

What do you want to do?

Hope, I just went back and read some of your posts. WOW, what a rocky 6 months this has been for you! I am curious about one thing, though. What was your reasoning behind moving to Plan B so quickly? How long were you in Plan A?

Melody,

I was only in Plan A for a about 45 days, of that 45 days he was still in the house for 30, but out for the last 15 days.

I do not want the divorce, but since he filed I have to respond to the petitions he files, so it will probably move along unless he does something to stop it.

I moved into Plan B at the beggining of December, after discussing it with Cerri. The reason was that with everything he was doing to proceed with divorce I was starting to lose any sense of love I had for him. So, I needed a break and a buffer. I now have an intermediary and I'm in Plan B. Let me tell you, it's still very hard to keep from losing those feelings and not being exhausted with all the shinanigans that he can do, even with the intermediary receiving all the contact and filtering it down to me.

I'm open to any suggestions at this point. I've done my best to stall, I asked that we not put the house on the market until after the holidays, but now that the holidays are done he really wants to get this house sold so he can move on with his life.

He's about to introduce and go on an outing with our youngest son and his OW and her 3 children. Really irritates me, but I can't really stop him with out alot of legal fighting and I'm not sure I care to. Once the divorce is final I will have no say in how he spends his time with our youngest son and who he's with so why prolong the inevitable? I'm kind of hoping that YS will be very whiny and since my STBXH is used to giving him everything he wants, will he be able to do that for 4 children? Who knows?

I know his OW so I know she will just be sticky sweet to him and huggy so it does bother me that he will spend any sort of time. However, what my STBXH doesn't realize is that if my YS comes home with questions I may have answers he didn't want him to have. . . .oh well. . . .his issue.

Having said all that. . . ..advice, suggestions???

Hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hope, do you have legal custody arrangements along with visitations? The reason I ask is that I would not allow my child to be exposed to such a sleazy situation. Often, judges will stipulate in the papers that the kids are not to meet the OP. You are still married. This is an affair and is not likely to last once the fantasy wears off. The odds of this relationship lasting are slim to none. So there is no reason for your kids to get "used" to her at this point.

Nor is the OW really not a fit adult to be around your kids, and personally, I would try to avoid exposure at all costs. Your kids HAVE to be around your H, they don't HAVE to be around the OW.

That is one of many reasons its not good to allow kids to be exposed to this kind of situation. THAT, and you don't want to condone an illicit affair in the eyes of a child. That only sends them a mixed message morally.
It appears that your H is trying to normalize his affair at the expense of your kids. I would do everything in my power to prevent that and send the message to him that there is nothing "normal" or acceptable about an illicit affair and you won't allow your kids to be drawn into it.

Melody,

Unfortunately there are no court papers for the visitation, it's all just been amicable at this point. Since the outing is this weekend, I wouldn't be able to get into court that quickly to have anything done about it. . . .

Well, if my son has any questions, I will definitely make sure I answer them. Unfortunately for my H, they may not be the answers he wants the son to have. . . .oh well. . .

Hope

Hi Hope,

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> More hard times...he is in such a rush. Rush rush rush...

I do not have any specific advice but had a couple of thoughts.

1. He's a control freak. He's hurrying because he's feeling a lack of control AND/OR he wants to control you (you unavailable you in Plan B! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) by pushing you as hard as he can. I have no doubt it is some combination of these 2 factors behind all the rushing around.

If you put his actions in this light, does it make it any easier? ie. easier to step back and not let his actions hurt you as much?

2. Thoughts in words...why are you calling him STBX? Isn't he still your WH (WS)?

I don't give a hoot what you call him but I think it is important to YOU.

How are you actually thinking of him? As your STBX? Or your desparately-trying-to-hurry up-and-hope-that-everything-will-be-better-than-it-actually-is-because-I-am-in-the-process-of-wrecking-my-life-and-can't-seem-to-stop-myself WH?

Keep your chin up...you have done and are continuing to do so well in the face of this man's self-destruction...awed

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 09:52 AM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>

Awed,

You're probably right, there probably is some part of him that wants to control everything. He does it in his work life but at home, especially since I've been in Plan B for 6 weeks AND I have an intermediary, he can't do it to me as easily as before. So this could be true.

As for how do I see him, in my heart I see him as my husband, however, because of him pursuing this divorce as heartily as he does, my head tends to think of him as the STXH. Part of me thinks this way because it seems that he may actually have to get through the whole divorce process, go out and live his new life with his OW only to come to the realization later (post-divorce) that I wasn't the source of all of his unhappiness. So I guess mentally, I'm trying to prepare myself so that if and when I have to do this all on my own, I can and it won't be as hard as it was when he first left home. Does that make sense? But really when you get right down to it he is my desparately-trying-to-hurry up-and-hope-that-everything-will-be-better-than-it-actually-is-because-I-am-in-the-process-of-wrecking-my-life-and-can't-seem-to-stop-myself WH. I think I will save that description somewhere to use because I think that very accurately describes him and his actions.

Thanks for the support!

Hope

h4b:

I think that "earning your DV" means that you've gotten 2 the point where you could just as easily save your M as allow it 2 end (in a case like this where the WS is pushing so hard 2 end it). I think you'll be able 2 tell that you've "arrived" when you stop worrying about what your H is thinking or doing, and can truly find enjoyment with yourself and your son. I think it's first and foremost a position of true self-security. If your H comes home trying 2 reconcile, on the one hand, or invites you 2 his wedding 2 the OW, on the other, you'll be able 2 accept his choices as his own, without adversely affecting you.

I love this article by Bill Furgeson, which you can find at http://www.iloveulove.com/relationmarriage/saveyourmarriage.htm

Here's an excerpt:

"How to Divorce As Friends

You can divorce as friends - Maybe save your marriage!

By Bill Ferguson

Whether you want to get a divorce or save your marriage, the action you take now becomes very important.

You can either interact in a way that restores love and forwards cooperation or you can interact in a way that creates more pain and suffering. Usually we interact in a way that creates more suffering.

We have so much hurt and upset, we lose our ability to see clearly. All we can do is fight, resist, hang on or withdraw. This in turn destroys love and fuels the cycle of conflict. This cycle of conflict then brings out the worst in people.

To be most effective in handling your situation, this cycle of conflict needs to end. This is true whether you want to save your marriage or get a divorce. Fortunately, it only takes one person to end the conflict. This site will show you how.

As a former divorce attorney, 15% of my clients never divorced and the ones who did were able to part as friends.

No matter how painful or destructive your relationship may be today. You can end the conflict and heal your relationship, one human being to another.

If you decide to get a divorce you can save a fortune in attorney fees. You can also avoid a tremendous amount of suffering.

The process for handling your situation is relatively simple, you just need to know the steps. As you read the various sections and do what they say, you will profoundly change both your relationship and your life."

best,
-ol' 2long

Hope,

I think your friend was using a phrase with a spin on it that Dr.Phil says: "You have to earn your way out of a marriage".

Meaning a couple has to do everything in their power to try and salvage a marriage and only AFTER they have both given it their all and reconciling still is not possible can they proceed with divorce.He says that couples give up too easily these days and don't really work at the marriage in order to save it.

In your case,you have one spouse that is plowing away toward divorce despite anyone elses(yours) feelings on the matter,so you do not have much choice but to try and stall however you are caught in his current and all you can do is brace yourself.If a person is he** bent on getting a divorce no matter what,no one can stop him ultimately.It is unfortunate though.

I am in Plan B too and only recently stopped the e-mails to and from WH.I now have an intermediary too,my SIL so WH is even less in control of me now.

I would discuss by the intermediary how inapporpriate it is allowing your YS to be around this OW.Like Melody said,they should NOT be exposed to this person or the situation AT ALL especially since you are still married.It is not right and it is confusing to young children.Your WH is being selfish yet AGAIN and he should at least be "confronted" with those facts.Until you can get some legal advice or orders,stall or refuse to let WH take YS to see this OW until you can get advice, even from a counselor, on how to deal with this issue.If your WH cares at all about HIS SON first instead of himself and this OW,he should be able to wait and do what is right for the child/ren's sake.


O

Hope4best: I can relate that if you work Plan A and things progress to Plan B then you have given our marriage the Best try. Sometimes it will take the divorce to bring the issue full face. But if you do the right thing always,even when difficult then you will be blessed. God hates divorce but he doesn't say we have to endure livingh.ll. Read the book, ask God to pray for you and your spouse and get counseling with a christian MC and support from your church. God tell us not to cover our sins. Satan tells us to conceal them. It is how we can continue in the destructive pattern of immorality. God know all thoughts and deeds.Once you tell your pastor, you will feel unburden and stronger. Peace.

Hi Hope,

This is a quote from Cerri's column and I thought I'd post it here since it answers your question so well...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also know that there comes a time when we need to concede defeat. When the courts and the legal system cannot be fought or when it truly happens that the marriage cannot be saved. But these are decisions that should me made in the cold light of rationality after every option has been tried and has failed. And I would say that includes at least a year of separation and no contact before coming to that decision. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So now let me pose a question of my own...is there any way to suggest the part above in bold to your WH? Would Cerri support such a strategy?

His rush is unbelievable to me (what do I know? Cerri's the one that's seen many M go down the tubes!) But really...this guy was conflicted last fall, just recently moved out and now he wants the D pronto.

I think it is worth asking her. I also really liked 2long's suggested reading about the D as friends. If your H is really determined to continue his steamroller imitation, then conflict is not going to help change his mind or improve things for you and your family...

Thinking of you...awed

Thanks everyone for the advice. It really is helpful. At this point, it's kind of moot about whether he should or shouldn't introduce YS to OW because he did it this weekend. In fact, my H and YS spent 2 nights at her house! She was also taken to dinner at his aunt's house to introduce her . . . .they are full steam ahead.

I like the idea of trying a year of separation, but I doubt that my H would support that because that would mean he would have to support me in the house and he can't do that AND have his life with OW with his own apartment. . . . hmmmmm, priorities?? Yup, his are definitely skewed!

When I heard the news about the weekend, I was a bit irritated because I don't think it's good for our youngest son, but since it already happened I decided not to let it really get to me. In fact I feel at peace with my decision to just accept that my H cannot make a good decision right now to save his life. I wish it were only his life that it were affecting but that just means I'll have to keep a closer eye on my YS to make sure he doesn't get too mired in his dad's activities.

Of course he had a great time, they went to the toy store twice!! Bought him 5 new toys. . . .bribery. . . .who wouldn't like someone who can do that? I just know that all the toys in the world can never be a substitute for his mother's love and that's something the OW will NEVER be. . . . his mother. That's something she can NEVER share with my H, children, a family of their own. . . . .

I think I'll try stalling a little longer, but I may just give in and get it done with so he can really experience his life with her and maybe then and only then will he see what he's really losing or lost at that point. Who knows???

Hope