Well I know many of you know my situation. WH has been with OW since July. He has repeatedly come back, but OW was never gone. Last week he had been away from her for a whole 10 days. I told him I had trouble trusting that it was really over and asked him to write NC letter. He refused, saying it was pointless, that he was telling the truth and I needed to soften my heart and trust him.

Thursday night I found out drove around until I found where he was living, knocked on the door, and went up to his room where he was in bed with the OW.

Right now he suddenly showed up at my house with a letter and book called "If only I Knew - Gentle Reminders to Help You Treasure the People in Your Life."

Here is his letter, I hope copying it isn't a violation of our marriage contract, but I need help dealing with this. By the way, he asked to talk and I told him now was a good time. He said he couldn't do it now, he had to meet his brother to watch football.

My dear C....
I am so very, very sorry for huring you so. I am ashamed! I hadn't seen J...(OW) until that night you came over. I was still hoping we might have a chance of working things out, it is all my fualt that all of this has happened. I can't blame anyone else. The longer that you and I stayed away from each other, the more vulnerable I became. You had to realize in time that J was more than a one night stand. I tried to tell you that it would only work for us, if I was home with you, working things out on a daily basis, I really needed your support, until I or we could get some help.

So where do we go from here. Can we start again or is it too late? I really do want you to be happy and will understand whatever you decide. I realize that not everyone can be winners and get what they want, there has to be losers too. Maybe that's what I really am, a loser. Please forgive me, you are a good and Godly woman. May God bless and keep you safe.
Love always, L

Believer,

Upon reading this letter it should be intuitively obvious to the most casual of readers that he is trying to blame you. He has not done what he needs to to (the NC letter and get into some serious counseling with you), so he blames you for not taking him back without an NC.

I would write him back firmly stating your reasonable conditions and telling him that you want the marriage to work.

You can't fix him. He has to do that himself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> ....Right now he suddenly showed up at my house with a letter and book called "If only I Knew - Gentle Reminders to Help You Treasure the People in Your Life."

Here is his letter, I hope copying it isn't a violation of our marriage contract, but I need help dealing with this. By the way, he asked to talk and I told him now was a good time. He said he couldn't do it now, he had to meet his brother to watch football.

My dear C....
I am so very, very sorry for huring you so. I am ashamed! I hadn't seen J...(OW) until that night you came over. I was still hoping we might have a chance of working things out, it is all my fualt that all of this has happened. I can't blame anyone else. The longer that you and I stayed away from each other, the more vulnerable I became. You had to realize in time that J was more than a one night stand. I tried to tell you that it would only work for us, if I was home with you, working things out on a daily basis, I really needed your support, until I or we could get some help.

So where do we go from here. Can we start again or is it too late? I really do want you to be happy and will understand whatever you decide. I realize that not everyone can be winners and get what they want, there has to be losers too. Maybe that's what I really am, a loser. Please forgive me, you are a good and Godly woman. May God bless and keep you safe.
Love always, L </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Believer,
Your situation brings back painful memories for me also,. Even though the WS knew I was on MB and even checked it out at times, tried to come back once with an R book. When I found that out I was glad till I found out he bought it with a gift card from the OW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Did not allow that book in my home.

Here's what I see, your H is sorry he hurt you but not sorry of the A and still wants to continue the A but is trying to make you feel guilty for kicking him out.

While the letter is genuine, the thoughts are still quite illogical and talking with him right now may be just as confusing.

Here's my take:

1. talk to the WS but 1st set the rules,. He is confused so setting rules is critical. If he balks, let him know that between the 2 of you, he is the more confused one. He can't argue with that and if he does, stop the conversation.

2. Rules should indude that the discussion is for both to hear each other unterrupted. No commitments or guanratees to be made either way. Family respect takes priority on how things are handled and if you feel unsafe in the conversation, it is politely stopped,.

3. Ask to speak to your H and NOT the WS. This may be hard for him but he will understand.

4,. When it is your turn, ask him what start again means,.

5. Let him know that HE had to leave because his A was hurting the family (present yoursefl and family as 1 unit).

6. Let him know that while he may feel the only way the M to work was if he was home (agree this is so) that a WS is not welcomed into the home only an H.

7. Then share that you did not invite the OW into that bedroom. The WS did,. Not your H but the WS. '

8. Ask for him to go and find your H and send him home. Let him know you love your H but not the WS. Let him know that pictures of the Ws and OW are not stuck in your head and only your 'H' can fix that for you and your family.

9. Ask him when can your H fix that for you.

10. End it by saying you love your H and miss your H, not the WS,. End the conversation as pleasant as possible and realize a few tears w/b shed so have a box of tissue handy.

This is a start. I wish you the best on your discussion.

take care,
L.

Believer,

I believe auto and Orchid have it right. My take is the same as Auto's: he is NOT sincere, and he is blame shifting. Frankly, you and I both know you didn't just hit the "lucky" night. And you know you did send her over there to be in his bed.

So, I am feeling more harsh than the others. It would be real simple now. MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY. He gets counseling, he doesn't come home UNTIL OW is out of the picture meaning NC letter, he is accountable for time and communications, and the two of you develop a better relationship and friendship than you have now.

Frankly, I would recommend that you contact the Harley's and see if they can guide you through this. His letter seemed to me to be a "take it or leave it" letter. With you as the main culprit in all of these problems.

"I wasn't home so how can you blame me if I was in bed with OW." Which suggests that unless you have him chained in the backyard, he cannot be trusted. That is what he said, I wonder if that is what he meant?

Hope something I have said is of help. I am not feeling all that charitable today.

God Bless,

JL

Thats real nice, and you can consider reconciliation once he has demonstrably ended contact with the OW. TALK IS CHEAP.

The first step would be a no contact letter - that YOU approve and mail yourself - and the second would be to PROVE that he is not in contact with her anymore for a period of time. He has to also open up and tell you where he lives and what he has been doing. You have to know the truth in order to be protected from him in the future. He is not trustworthy at this point.

What he said in his letter is VERY DANGEROUS when he said that he went to the OW when he was vulnerable. What will happen in the future when he is "vulnerable" again, believer? You can't possibly risk your well being and safety on someone who will go screw around when things get rough. See what I mean?

I would make him work for this. Make him PROVE that the affair is over and make him PROVE that he is committed to your marriage and your recovery. Otherwise, this is just more TALK, TALK, TALK, believer. Don't stake your life on more FOGTALK. I know you won't, but whatever you do, don't ACT on MERE WORDS. You need ACTION. TALK IS CHEAP.

Here is a post from Cerri that I thought did an excellent job of laying out conditions:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=024255#000006

<small>[ January 18, 2004, 02:16 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Thanks for the support. I will get counseling with the Harley's. This is too much for me. I'm trying to get back into Plan B, but it has been a real struggle.

I still feel good about things, because at least he is not back living here. Thanks to all of you for helping me keep him out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong>

Here is his letter, I hope copying it isn't a violation of our marriage contract, but I need help dealing with this. By the way, he asked to talk and I told him now was a good time. He said he couldn't do it now, he had to meet his brother to watch football.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believer, certain things just don't add up about your H and maybe you can tell me if I am right or wrong.

Here is this man who, supposedly, desperately wants his wife back [per his WORDS] but when presented with an opportunity to discuss reconciliation, says he has to go watch football?

And, on other occasions when he was trying to get you back and knew that contact with the OW would ruin his chances, went ahead and contacted the OW. EVery time he has said that contact had ended, you found out he had LIED. When he tried to move in a few weeks back, it was because he desperately wanted to RESIDE in your home and take POSSESSION of it - NOT because he wanted to reconcile his marriage.

All of his actions just seem so profoundly insincere that it makes me wonder if this is all not just a ploy to get back in your house so he can take possession of it? Is there a possibility that his real goal is not reconciliation but possession of your property? Nothing adds up.

<small>[ January 18, 2004, 02:29 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> ...... And you know you did send her over there to be in his bed.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey JL,

Did you mean it this way? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

L.

Orchid,

NO, there is supposed to be a "not" in that sentence. Sorry, multitasking has gotten to me again.

I don't think he is very sincere at all.

Must go.

JL

Orchid, the phone must have rang or something when he wrote that! Guys can't drive a vehicle, put on lipstick AND talk on their cell phones at the same time like we can!

Anyone wanna go for a ride with me?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

P.S. we knew what ya meant, JL, excellent points! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ January 18, 2004, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Oh my dear JL and Mel,

Love U 2!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

JL, typos come from the best of us but we know your heart is in the right place. Maybe I have been reading too many 'captain underpants' books with my son (teacher demands our children read to us 20 minutes a day - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) and he gets choices on 2 days a week..... anyway that book is chalk full of kids taking signs, crossing out words and changing the message.

Like the sign post on the flower shop lawn:

PICK YOUR
OWN
ROSES!

Changed to:
PICK OUR

NOSES!

LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Mel,
Love your humor!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Dear Believer,
sorry for the small diversion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
L.

Melody - I think you are right. We have a separtion agreement that he wrote up, but refuses to sign. It gives me the mobile home. I have complied with the agreement, paying rent, putting utilities in my name. He still refuses to sign it.

I really believe that he may be just coming back to get the home from me. His heart is with OW and I am close to being done.

Oooo, men like this make me SO MAD. Scuse me, [censored], can I just SHAKE you for a minute and see if it helps???????

Grrr.

Okay, I'm over it now.

Believer, your husband is a mindless dork who couldn't think his way out of a paper bag, even with a map. I choose to believe that this is a temporary condition brought on by the application of hormonal shocks to a system overburdened by two women and too much stress.

So what do I think you should do (besides kick him in the butt)? Write back a SHORT note. "Your apology is accepted, and I do hope to work things out with you on a daily basis. If that's going to work, I need you to be a husband to me, with the self-discipline not to fall into another woman's arms, no matter how bad a night it may be. The other night, you were not that man. I love you. Please take action to end your affair with OW. When you have, I'd love to talk to you about our future."

(Grr. Grow up, you big baby.)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> Melody - I think you are right. We have a separtion agreement that he wrote up, but refuses to sign. It gives me the mobile home. I have complied with the agreement, paying rent, putting utilities in my name. He still refuses to sign it.

I really believe that he may be just coming back to get the home from me. His heart is with OW and I am close to being done. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believer, I SO HOPE that I am wrong, but I just have a bad feeling about all this and wondered if you do too. It won't hurt to be on your guard but at the same time you can't give up hope. He MAY have a plan to get his house back, but your plan really protects you from that if you make him PROVE himself before you consider lettng him come back. Just watch your back, girl.

JustJ- I will send him a note saying exactly that. Thanks for the input.

I am just amazed at the restraint some folks have on this forum. Maybe it is my hot-tempered Irish blood, but I can promise you, without a doubt, that if I had caught my H in bed with another woman I would be sitting in jail right now for deadly assault. Thank God you have more restraint than me, believer.

ML, Your comment reminds me of what a former Congressman durring the Clinton years, said when asked what his wife would have done had she caught him with another woman.

"The last thing I would remember is my wife standing over me saying 'How do I reload this damn thing?'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

hahhahaaa, that was [censored] Armey! I remember!

I bet you might be remembering my last D-Day, Melody, when I tried to fight my FWH. Believer, you do have lots of self-control!

Enjoy your free time, though, Believer. He'll be back sooner than you think.

I don't even have time to post on the forum these days. My FWH just asked me what I am doing!

Hang in there. You are doing great!!!!

Well he's back already. That was fast. His daughter dropped him off at my house. He has been watching football all day and is drunk. I was taking a bath and in he came.

He asked what was for dinner, got himself some leftovers out of the refrigerator, and went to bed. I went over and had dinner with some neighbors and came back and he is still snoring away.

Should I wrap him up in sheets and beat him with a baseball bat?