My A ended one year ago. I came out of my withdraw/fog in Septemeber. Now that I am back in my M and want it to work, my H has all but given up. He constantly is reading the MB web site and he is greatly discouraged by the length of time that people discuss as being still in recovery. I need to hear some examples of recovery times that are not qite so long. Can any one give me any type of encouragement to pass along to my H?

SUR, realistically, he is looking at 12-18 months in a best case scenario. I think its best to look at it realistically so he will know what to expect. BUT, every person is different and it TAKES WHAT IT TAKES. It might take him 6 months, it might take him 2 years.

If you husband is reading this, I would remind him that he will also have to recover from a divorce. Since recovery time is a given, is it not better to have a good marriage when the recovery is complete?

SUR,

I think that you need to recall that recovery is a process and it begins on day one of when you two decide make your marriage works. When people say 2 years that doesn't mean it takes that long for love to come back or you to feel desire for your H. Often they are talking about most if NOT all of the triggers to cease affecting the BS.

What your H doesn't understand is that the time to recover from your A is now probably much less than the time it will take him to recover from a divorce once one is gotten. That is probably 2-3 years from now depending on the state you live in and whether or NOT he really loved you.

You will recover more quickly than he will, and there is NO EASY WAY OUT OF THIS AND NO WAY TO SHORTEN THE TIME LINE. So have him settle down. It has only been about 10 months since you stopped contact and hopefully your lying to him.

It is a pay me now or pay me later deal. Frankly, even if he decides he wants the divorce, he is much better off working on the marriage now. Why? it will help him get rid of the baggage that he would carry into another marriage. Whoever he marries doesn't deserve to deal with the baggage you have laid on him. So he is best served to give this 2 years or so, and THEN if there is nothing, divorce.

He will up his chances considerably of having a successful second marriage if he does this.

Give him this post.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for your input. I will try to make sure that he reads this. This may give him the encouragement that HE needs to keep going with me instead of without me.
Also, this gives me encouragement because I have specifically tried not to think about D, and had not considered the recovery time from that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by screwed up royally:
<strong> I came out of my withdraw/fog in Septemeber.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, you've actually been in recovery for 3.5 months? Yikes, how long does your H think it should take?

My FWH had three online affairs over 4 years. After the last D-Day (4/1/02), we struggled for three months, seemed to have a great "recovery", relapsed pretty badly over the next 6 months, and really started a sincere recovery on both our parts at about the 1 year mark.

Now, almost 2 years post D-Day, are we recovered? Hmmmm - we are different. We are not angst ridden, not particularly suspicious. We communicate so much better than we ever did. We know so much more about each other. We have each made tremendous strides in discovering ourselves.

Is it all better? Nope - over Christmas he had to run some mysterious "errands" that he couldn't tell me about. I immediately suspected he was lying again. Well, as it turns out he was - he had to move heaven and earth to get me the Xmas gift he wanted. But, for a bit there the old anxiety and gut wrenching resurfaced.

But things are so much better between us now - I can almost say the infidelity was worth it to get this result.

Well, as far as I knew KS41, I have been in recovery for a year or so now. Because as far as I knew the affair ended BEFORE our D-day occured. ( I am SUR's BS).

And even on the fog/ect., issue SUR told me that it was over and done in March. So that is what I have been going off of. Is it my fault that my WW has been lying to me? Because do you know when I found out that her withdrawl only ended in Sept.? Yes, that's right at the same time you did?
So yes, I've been under the illusion that we've been in recovery getting close to a year and here she tells the world it's only 3 months. Just wanted to be clear that it is my WW's continued lies and deseption that is impeading any progress and making me want to give up.

Top rope, often the continued deceit AFTER discovery of the affair is as much, if not more, damaging than the affair itself. YOUR recovery begins when her affair and all the subsequent lies and deceit END. Every time she lies or contacts the OM puts you right back to D-Day in terms of recovery. So, realistically, you have been in recovery for 3.5 months.

Welcome to our forum. I am sorry that you had to be here, but very glad you are here, top rope. You are in the right place and can expect lots of support. I wish you the best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />