Hi there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm hoping that a few of you who are knowledgeable in MW's 180 technique are around and willing to help!

I post a lot on the survivinginfidelity.com board on the Wayward forum. Last week a woman joined the board and posted this:

"I am a BS who is desperately trying to understand my husband. In summary, my husband had an EA that lasted several months and resulted in a pregnancy. OW has miscarried and broke off the affair just 3 days ago (quite dramatically).
As has been the case over the past couple of months, one minute he loves me, the next minute he doesn't. One minute he says he'll stay in the house as long as it takes. Then, he says he does not want to reconcile. However, now he is also moping around in a gloomy funk. He accepts fault but will not see his A as being wrong. He has told me he is sorry, but I still see so much anger in his eyes.

Please help me to understand what is going on in his mind. This is the only site that I have found where I can get a point of view from the WS side of things. I don't want to let him go, but I know it won't work if I am the only one trying.

Is this more of the "fog". Throughout our entire ordeal, patience and kindness on my part have not seemed to sway him at all. He just gets mad at me. Am I just being anxious or is it time for self-preservation? Is there any hope at all?

Your thoughts are sincerely appreciated.

Kindest Regards,
Snafu"


Now, I perhaps unwisely ignored the fact that most EA's don't result in pregnancy, and suggested that she try Michele's 180 approach. I c&p the 180 list that is widely used on this board.

So then she posts this:

"Well, I have been trying to keep my chin up and show my WS a brave face (even though I am really hurting right now). I have not gotten upset once or even so much as frowned around my H in 4 days. I have stayed busy around the house, gone to the gym, cooked hearty dinners, kept the conversation light/pleasant and most importantly kept my distance. I'm trying to give him time to clear his mind, but it's wreaking havoc on me.
Since I have been trying to do the 180, my WS has called me at least twice at work every day to start conversations about things that he could actually take care of himself. He asks how I am and how my day is going. He sure hasn't done that in quite a while. I try to be as kind as I can without sounding phony or too businesslike and avoid keeping him on the phone any longer than necessary. I don't put much hope in the fact that he has called me during the day, but they were nice little surprises.

However, now it is the weekend and I don't know what to expect. If I go upstairs, he comes down. If I go to one side of the house, he goes to the other. He's acting really jumpy and we've hardly spoken this evening.

While I was typing this, he decided to just "go out for a while." UGH! Twist the knife why don't you - while I'm biting my tongue. Even though he told me A ended last week, I have every reason to believe he is still in contact with her, even though he says he isn't. I know in my heart he is just pining away for her. (GAG...)

What now? Do I make myself scarce? Do I try to speak to him? What is it like in everyone else's home? Do you and your WS/BS speak freely sometimes or is it always awkward and difficult? What do you do when he/she leaves the house without explanation? I hate being in this constant state flux.

Flux Sux.

Please send advice.

Thx,
**Snafu**"

Can ANYONE help her? I know nothing about the actual implementation of the 180. PLEASE....if you can, either post your advice here so I can C&P her on it, or go to survivinginfidelity.com and post to her on the Wayward forum.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! Any help would be greatly appreciated!!! She is SUCH a nice lady.

Nevermind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

She just posted this in the 'divorce' forum........:

"I have had it! Months of trying to be sympathetic to a WS who has shown little more than 1/4 ounce of remorse. All the books and the 180 and the articles and the being kind to him because my poor, dear WS is just so confused... In my case, it's all just a big load of crap!


I don't know from where he summoned the audacity, but tonight WS has flipped his lid for sure. He expects me to stand by silently while he talks on the phone to his OW right in front of my face about what a horrible person *I* am! He actually made fun about how emotional all this has made me to his OW! Then, made sure to let her know how much he loves her and that this will all be over soon. I told him to pack his clothes and get the hell out (just like last weekend). Would he? NO! He says he is going to stay here as a reminder to me of everything that *I* caused.

What kind of a monster is he to think that this is all a big joke? How on Earth did the man that I married turn into this heartless, cruel, vicious thing?

I can't believe it has come to this after I have been trying so lovingly to be there for him and give him space to iron out his feelings. I have been such a fool. Not to mention, nearly ten years of my life has gone to complete waste! I never in all our time together thought I would say this, but I am so ashamed to be married to this man. I am actually embarassed to admit I am his wife. He has blasted the last little glimmer of faith I had in our relationship. I totally accept that it's over.

I applaud the efforts of any BS who is able to hang in there, but I cannot do it anymore. I don't believe divorce is the answer and it hurts to say that I am going to have to nullify my vows, but I cannot take such blatant disregard for my feelings anymore.

So, anyone know a good headhunter attorney?

Snafu"

Well......this sucks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Thank you for your consideration anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

FH...

In case you should post to her anyway...

Plan A/doing 180s is sometimes totally misunderstood... it IS controlling one's reactions to WS... not necessarily biting one's tongue altogether... just ensuring time and place and reaction aren't LBs.

Please urge her NOT to make MAJOR decisions while in such emotional distress... sometimes when a WS is in such turmoil... the best thing a BS can do is to withdraw...

180s are to do the OPPOSITE of what you would normally do... usually what you are OVER doing... such as being clingy... saying "I love you"... becoming emotionally unavailable to the WS... you might send her to this thread...
CarolKHs_story

Cali

Thank you, Cali......I'll do that.

Man. SUCKS....doesn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Yeah FH... it sucks... All that damned betrayal and emotion... is it love or co-dependence? So much high drama...

...and, even once the high drama has passed and you're in so-called recovery... the effects of the affair can rear their ugly head when least expected... i.e. yesterday retrieved Hs cell phone from the van to give to him and it was in the middle of a series of 'text messages.' So I had a PTSD flashback... icy chills... etc. All they were were from the kids in the Bible Study he teaches asking if he was joining them in their monthly social activity... He saw the weird look on my face and explained... but the weird look wasn't because of the messages... it was because of how I felt... I was so mad that something so insignificant could make me feel that way... I wasn't mad @ him... I was mad @ how I reacted...

ICK! and, somehow I have to find a way to talk to him about it... so he knows I wasn't thinking he was texting an OW...

Cali

Wow, if that is not a ripe Plan B candidate, then I don't know what is! This has gone beyond standard adultery to mental cruelty and abuse. Not only will her continued tolerance of this behavior erode her love for him, but it will completely erode any respect the WS has for her.

She can't stay in a situation where her boundaries are so grossly trampled upon. It will help her make a decision about the marriage in the future if she is away from the situation and DETACHED from the WS. She may not even choose to continue a marriage with such an abusive, cruel individual.

He is sitting on the fence eating cake and enjoying it so much he feels free to rub her nose in it.

She needs to be in Plan B, even if she has to leave the house. I would only suggest that she contact an attorney to protect herself.