Hello Marriage Board friends.
Last night I read this post by SKM and knew I needed to share it here.
It was written in gratitude for JL advice years ago, on the 'Recovery Board'

Check the date....2/26/01
I will copy her follow-up story.

It helps us WW's to read the success of another WW, she explains her year so well.

By the way, JL, I did tell my husband.
Bless his heart, he chose to stay and keep on loving me and to forgive me!
We both want to make our marriage of 35 years continue.

He does not want anyone else to know and he does not want to talk about it anymore!
So, it will just be him, me and the OM knowing!

And yes I still miss the 'bliss' of talking with and being with the OM.
I am a lot like Sally and Felina and Diane and Lisa of London and other WS's, as saying 'goodbye' to him is feeling like the death of a loved one...After many years of friendship, love and affection, to be seperated for a LIFETIME is a huge heartache!

We unfaithful spouses, carry a double grief...First for deeply hurting our mate and second the grieving for our lost friend....I have cried many many tears for both.

I hope in a year to be able to write like SKM, a happy ending.

Her story is the example of love and caring a BS can give his WS and it also shows that we that have been unfaithful are not BAD people, we are people that got lost in the FOG of romance and excitement and selfishness for wanting to feel love and affection from someone that makes us feel desired and young and special.....

We just didn't realize the terrible consequences, it seems the WS never does until it is too late and people are hurt, including ourselves!

Love, Sarah


posted February 26, 2001 01:28 PM
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Hi Everyone.
I know there are a lot of new people here who do not know my story. A year ago, I ended a 6 month EA/PA, and really didn’t know what I wanted out of life, out of my marriage - or even out of myself. At the time, I confessed the A to my H, I really wasn’t sure what I was doing. I didn’t know how the A started, I didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t even know who I was anymore. When I told my H about the EA/PA, I told him that I wanted to try and work things out - that I loved him and I didn’t know how this could have happened to us. In my mind, I was so confused, that I kind of told myself that I would “give it a year” to see what would happen. That if “things” didn’t get better, work out, whatever - then my H and I both would have to decide what to do.

Anyway, in April, it will have been 1 year since the EA/PA ended for good. My H and I are going to the Outer Banks for vacation, but I am planning several surprises for my H - to thank him for his love, kindness, compassion and patience over the past year. He really is the love of my life.

The following, I thought might be kind of interesting for some, but mainly, it was kind of a cleansing experience for myself - to see where I started and how far my H and I have come in recovery. It's a collection of some of my posts at various points in recovery.

I know we still have a long life/marriage ahead of us, but I thought I’d share the following. . .so, that BS and WS both can see that there is hope under the worst of situations. Again, THIS IS LONG, and I pretty much gathered all of this for my own development, but. . .If you find yourself needing something to read, to give you hope whatever your situation, here it is, the SKM CHRONICLES.

"Low-Life Slug Days(3 Months After DDay)

Right now, every day, I feel like this huge failure. Even though I know I've been forgiven by God and my H, I still feel pretty worthless. It's like I view everyone else on this higher level, an even level where no one has cheated, lied or gotten into trouble - and by the choices I made, I'm living on this sub-human level. I not only hurt the one person that I truly love, but I've completely blown any self-respect I may have had for myself.”

I've have asked my husband Why do you love me? Why do you stay with me when all I do is cry? Maybe it would be easier for me to leave? Each time, my H answers those questions lovingly, honestly and patiently. He loves me, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I guess he sees some good in me that I just can't right now.”

Panic & Stupid Questions (4 Months After DDay)

Today he (OM) calls. Just a few minutes ago. I'm in such a panic, my heart is in my throat. I truly don't know what to do. I know that I don't love this person, but can you ever be friends? In my mind, I think I crossed that line a long time ago, and it's too late to be friends. I really feel up-rooted right now. I don't want to hurt my H, I don't want to hurt my marriage, I just really need some to tell me what to do. If your reading, please respond.

My H is aware of the contact, but I didn't tell him about the first phone call until a week had past. Why? I don't know - even though there are probably a lot of theories out there. But for that one week, I felt absolutely miserable - not that I was starting anything up or wanted to, but I felt like I didn't say stop calling me strong enough. I'm a whimp. I have trouble saying no (and that's quite obvious).
I'll tell my H tonight, see what he thinks, get his help. I just hate unloading all of this stuff on him. I feel so darn selfish, it's all "me, me, me." Will it ever end? In my heart, I know it will eventually, and I know he stands with me. I don't want to be mean to the OM, but my H is more important to me than anyone else in this world. So, I just have to fix my focus again. When I posted earlier, I physically felt like I was going to vomit.

“I Don’t Know” - 4 ½ Months After DDay

As a betrayer, I give a lot of "I don't know" answers to my H - even now that we're almost 5 months into recovery. I don't use the "I don't know" response to get out of answering a tough question or to spare my H's feelings, I honestly don't know.

I don't know why the A happened, I don't know why I was attracted to this person, I don't know why I still think about the OM (occasionally), and I don't know why I cry sometimes, I don't know why I look distant, I don't know why I don't feel "happy" right now. I think they're genuine answers to difficult questions.

Well, everyday I'm with my H, I see how wonderful, caring and loving he is. He truly loves me - even after all I've put him through. He knows when something is wrong, and he cares enough to find out what it is. He's my best friend and an awesome H.

The love I have for my H may not be the same as when we first got married, but I think we will eventually have a stronger love.

High Expectations and “The Vacation” - 5 Months After DDay

I guess I expected the clouds to disappear and the skies to open - that the magic wand would have been waved and everything would be perfect - everything would go back to normal. Well, I guess my lesson learned is to be careful for what you wish for - because everything DID go back to normal. We were bickering over small things, I was irritable, I was moody, I was having doubts once again, I was thinking about the OM - again - I was thinking way too much.

Anyway, when we got home, I asked my H how he thought our vacation was - he said he had a great time. I asked him to rank it among other vacations that we had taken, and he gave it a B+. He asked me what I thought, and I said (excuse my verbiage) I thought it sucked. And he asked why, so I told him how I was feeling - what I had expected - that it wasn't anybody's fault (maybe even more my fault than his), I just wished it would have been different - more loving than bickering. And it wasn't all bickering, but I guess that's what I focused on - I guess it was my perception, I don't know if it was warped or what - but my H thought things went great. But I gave the vacation a C - average, nothing spectacular.

I then asked my H to name five things that were good about the trip - his number one answer was that he got to spend it with me. I melted.

I guess I finally realized that we may not have a perfect marriage - but we're trying.

Remorse, Again - 5 ½ Months After DDay

But, I'm having those feelings all over again - that I'm worthless, that I don't know why my H still loves me - even after the affair, even after I told him that our vacation sucked.

When you're younger, you always try to think about who you will be when you grow up, what you'll be doing . . .Well, I don't really like the person I've become, or the type of person I represent.

Now, I realize that I don't really like who I am, what I did. I cry most of the time - instead of laugh. I'm irritable and moody - not loving or lovable. I make no positive contributions to my life or anyone else's. My H deserves better than me, the world could do without me. (Have you noticed that the pity party has started?)

The Freakin’ Plates - 6 Months After DDay

Lately, I've been trying to do nice things for my H - buying him little things, calling him, e-mailing him. . .trying to do my share of rebuilding our marriage. But he can get into bad moods, too, and the other night he wanted me to move so that he could get some plates out for dinner. . .And I said that the plates in the dishwasher are clean, let me get two out of there. . .I figured, hey no sense getting out new plates then putting away more plates. . .They were all clean, right. . .call me lazy. . .but he just looked at me with this disgusted look. . .Mind you, I have been trying really hard to change and not be so selfish. . .and I was in a really good mood - for once, those seem hard to come by, at least in the early stages. . .But anyway, no thank you for getting the plates out, nothing. . .that didn't bother me, but I could tell he wasn't happy . . .because if you don't do it his way, well, you just aren't doing it right. . .I don't want to sound mean, but we got into a little tiff - about freakin plates!

That led to me thinking, what did I do wrong, do you still love me, are you always going to love me. . .For a WS, I think we, in the back of our minds are still worried that our Hs haven't really forgiven us - that if it were so easy for us to have an affair (especially since I wasn't looking for one) then when I'm a monster, or get cranky. . .will he say "that's it, that's enough." It scares me to think that he would leave me. . .but it's a very real fear. . .I think mainly because I haven't actually forgiven myself and that maybe - even though he's always been faithful to me - I could stand to lose him. . .That I did this horrible thing and a plate or a look could send him over the edge and packing. . .

Coming To My Senses? - 7 Months After DDay

I guess for me. . .it has been 3 months since absolute no contact, it's been over 6 months since I ended the affair. . .and in all honesty, I finally see and realize that I never loved the OM - it was an infatuation - it was someone making me feel special, making me feel attractive, making me feel happy. . .Yeah, I guess he was meeting some of my needs, whatever they were at the time. . .but now, after three months of no contact, I really can see the relationship for what it was - it wasn't love.

Sometimes, I feel like we take each other for granted, but you know I would rather be working on my marriage (to the greatest guy in the world) than maintaining contact with the OM. . .My H really is my best friend and I cannot imagine my life without him in it. . .Sometimes, it takes that realization for the WS to break out of the fog. . .For me, I finally decided that I could not hurt my H anymore, that I had to give 100% to my marriage, and after 6 months, things have gotten better.

The affair is nothing but an illusion of happiness and that true happiness comes from within.

I myself am a WS spouse, and sometimes I lash out at my H, and at times it seems like I am one huge blob of irritableness, insensitivity, selfishness, and negativity. I feel like a walking nightmare sometimes. . .

There are days I just want to quit my job and sell coconuts on the beach - but deep down I know that will never happen.

More Revelations - 8 Months After DDay

At the time, I knew my H was a loving and patient person. But, now, after 7 months, I am finally starting to really appreciate what he has gone through, for "us." And we're finally starting to meet each others' needs -instead of my H just trying to meet my needs.

I'm learning and growing too. I cannot change the past - I'm just learning to live with it. But, if a Genie came along and granted me one wish - it would be that this whole thing never would have happened. So, I consider the affair a mistake - cause if I had to do it over again, I would have chosen not to have one.

But for me, the affair brought out everything that was "ugly" in me as far as my character was concerned. I lied more and cheated more than I ever thought possible. I hurt and caused pain beyond what I thought humanly possible. Yes, I am a better person today than I was during the affair. But the credit doesn't go to the OM, to my H, or even to me. For me, the fact that I am a "better" person today - well, the credit belongs to God.

Remorse, Again and June Cleaver - 8 Months After DDay

I'm doing okay I guess. I have days were I feel really upbeat and then there are days I just feel blah. The past few days I've been pretty blah. Lately, I guess I've just been thinking too much.

I guess I've just been thinking a lot about how much time I have wasted in this whole affair mess - I don't know. I think it's a whole new level of remorse - not as severe, but different. And I know, I can't change the past, I need to rejoice in today - but today, I just regret the time that I have missed out on.

I KNOW it's stupid so don't get mad at me - I just feel like "what kind of mother would I make anyway?" I'm not exactly June Cleaver. . .And I think about how children are a blessing from God, and maybe, well, maybe I just don't deserve that kind of blessing now.

Tis the Season To Be Jolly - 9 Months After DDay

This past weekend, my H and I went to two Christmas Parties - one was being held by a mutual friend and one was being held primarily by one of my friends. We went to both, but on both nights of the parties, it took all I had to get myself together and to get myself into a "social" mood.

No one knows about my A - except for me, my H and the OM So, whenever I go into a social situation with friends, I always feel like I'm keeping this dark, nasty secret - that on top of all the bad feelings I've been having lately, well, throw alcohol into the mix - and I'm just a disaster waiting to happen.

In fact, last night I sat in the living room and just cried my eyes out while my H put up our Christmas tree. I didn't even have the energy this year to get a tree, and I always have a tree - even make a big event out of decorating it.

All WSs have their crosses to bear - mine is learning to forgive myself, and it's been very very hard. If I don't watch it or shake out of those "remorseful" periods, I am no better of a recovered WS than someone who is still involved in an affair.

I think the one thing that has helped my H and I get through this is open and honest communication. And I guess, for me at least, that my H would just sit in silence with me if I didn't feel like talking, he would ask questions, he would ask follow-up, probing questions to get at how I was feeling, but the most important thing was that he was willing to listen to what I had to say and at least try to understand where I was coming from.

I mean, he doesn't know what I'm going through - or what I went through - or why it happened, but he listens with an open mind. It's kind of like putting antiseptic on a wound, at first all this honest communication stings, but I think it has helped us to heal. My H has never once berrated me - even though I know I have hurt him and I know I can be frustrating at times. He never gave up on me - and I guess that's what really mattered in the end.

The Idealist - Where Were You a Year Ago? - 10 Months After DDay

I'm a Christian, and while I haven't been a good example of Christian fortitude in the past, I guess my relationship with God has become stronger. So, now, when I read the posts about what people wish for the OP (and I think it should also be said about the WS, too) - no matter how horrible the OP/WS has been, I guess I just get "sad" to hear all this anger and bitterness. I'm a very introspective person - like you probably couldn't tell- but I think a lot about everything. I'm not saying that people shouldn't come here and vent. In fact I think everyone has a right to be angry, sad, hurt, whatever by what is happening to them. But, at this point in my recovery, it's just sad that there has to be so much anger and bitterness. Again, perfectly normal and probably okay to feel that way - but when that anger or bitterness makes people say ugly things - I don't know - I am in no way judging people at all - but it just makes me sad.

It does feel good to know that I'm not just shooting blanks - that maybe something I have said has touched someone - anyone. You all have been a blessing to me as well.

What I've Learned - 11 Months(totally plagiarized from a response given to me by Just Learning)

In one year [I] have taken [my] marriage down to its bedrock and found that it was firmly set on bedrock not sifting sand.

In one year [I] have learned that [my] H loves [me] more than he can say or show.

In one year [I] have learned that despite temptation [I] do love [my] H.

In one year [I] have learned to appreciate the good qualities of [my] H.

In one year your H has learned to appreciate the good qualities in you.

In one year [we] both have learned something that many people never learn. That people love and are good to one another not because they are perfect but in spite of their imperfections.

In one year [we] both have learned how to take a marriage to a new depth.

In one year [we] have learned that the future is not that predictable so do the best with the present that you can.

In one year [we] have learned not to forget. So [we won’t] ever forget what [we] have learned.

The reason this year was a success is because [my H and I] refused to let it be a failure."

To all my friends at Marriagebuilders, especially Just Learning, I thank God every day for guiding me to this site. All of the caring people, all of the sharing of ideas, all of the warmth that has come through to me through your responses, well, it’s made life in my little corner of the world a little easier and a little sweeter than when I started.

I will never be able to put into words how much all of you mean to me, and I cannot adequately express my sincere appreciation for the words of encouragement, words of honesty, and words of understanding. There were a thousand times I was ready to give up or give in - but you all wouldn’t let me, my H wouldn't let me. And, all I can say to everyone here is “thank you from the bottom of my heart.” I think my H and I are going to be just fine.

In April, I plan to do the offical one-year post. My H also agreed to post with me - only the second time he has done so.

Anyway - to anyone who read through this - congratulations - this was my LONGEST post, but not my last !

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 07:13 AM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>

The following is what SKM wrote in the recover board, almost 4 years after the ending of her affair: (Very inspiring, thank you SKM)

SKM 2
Junior Member
Member # 32463

posted January 08, 2004 12:20 PM
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JL - Hey, I hope you remember me. . .I have not been to this site (thankfully) in a couple of years now. And, since I don't check my old email address, my account expired. You may remember me as SKM and not SKM 2, but I had to put on the 2 to register.

I don't know what made me log on today. Just felt like seeing if there were any "oldtimers" still around - hopefully not - or lurking.

It's been a while since R and I spoke with you, and I'm glad to see you're still posting and passing along great advice.

With a 13-month old (can you believe that???), it's hard to do much of anything, much less dole out advice on the internet.

R and I are coming up on 4 years in recovery (or past recovery, or wherever you go when things are cool again). We bought a new house, closer to DC. I work four days a week, but feeling the financial pinch. The little one is absolutely amazing. So life is good here.

I had saved a folder of my posts (thought I'd write a book one day) and I was reading over them last night, for whatever reason, and I was wondering how you were doing, and if you hear from anyone else.

Since my email account expired, sadly, I don't hear from anyone any more. I feel bad that I don't keep in touch with the friends I made here, but I see it as God's way of saying "enough already, move on."

Anyway, would love to hear how you're doing. Things are going great for us - a precious little baby who is not a baby anymore, great jobs, new home, and now that Gibbs is back coaching the Redskins, EVERYTHING is now falling into place.

Talk to you later, I hope. Otherwise, take care of yourself, and know that I was thinking about you, and the others I've met here.

SKM

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
<strong>
I am a lot like Sally and Felina and Diane and Lisa of London and other WS's, as saying 'goodbye' to him is feeling like the death of a loved one...After many years of friendship, love and affection, to be seperated for a LIFETIME is a huge heartache!

We unfaithful spouses, carry a double grief...First for deeply hurting our mate and second the grieving for our lost friend....I have cried many many tears for both.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't carry even a fraction of the grief and heartache that you inflict upon your victims, so let's not delude ourselves here with silly soap opera talk. Your victim didn't CHOOSE that grief and heartache, YOU DID. You CHOSE that inevitable consequence when you decided to commit adultery. Your spouse had no say in that choice.

So please, let's not romanticize this sick, sordid, cruel betrayal of the one you claim to love.

Feeling remorse for your crimes is a natural consequence of your CHOSEN behavior for those with a conscience. But TRUE remorse is demonstrated by making AMENDS to your victim by being honest with them and taking steps to repair the damage. Have you told your victim yet, Sarie? Or is your remorse just all talk?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
<strong>
By the way, JL, I did tell my husband.
Bless his heart, he chose to stay and keep on loving me and to forgive me!
We both want to make our marriage of 35 years continue.

He does not want anyone else to know and he does not want to talk about it anymore!
So, it will just be him, me and the OM knowing!

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I missed this earlier. At least that is a step in the right direction. However, you will have to HELP your husband recover and he won't recover by NOT talking about it. It might be convenient for you to sweep it all under the rug, but it will be devasting to him and your marriage to do so. It will take anywhere from 12 months to 3 years for him to recover. I can imagine he was quite devastated. Adultery is the greatest betrayal one can commit against a spouse - it is as painful as the death of a child. You can't just sweep it all under the rug and be done with it!

I guess I am just surprised that you are here talking about YOUR "double grief" and your "tears" and nary a word about the very real grief and devastation that you inflicted on your victim. Does his "grief" ever enter your mind?

And I would only hope that you don't ply him with all this romantization of a cruel adulterous affair. Are y'all going into counseling? You need to help him recover from your damage, Sarie. Perhaps sending him to US would be a good idea?

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 08:08 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Hi Melody.
My 'first' grief IS the pain that I caused my nondeserving husband.I will be making loving amends the rest of my life!
I can't MAKE him talk about it.
He asked the questions and I honestly answered, maybe later he will want to talk again and I will be absolutely willing.

I think Sally is on to something in what she just wrote.
Love, Sarah

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 08:20 AM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
<strong> Hi Melody.
My 'first' grief IS the pain that I caused my nondeserving husband.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, it is all about your grief rather than his. Your double grief, your tears. Did you notice that?

Rather than showing concern for your victim, you demonstrate a lack of remorse by coming here to romanticize your affair. Nary a word about the devastation you caused your H. Are you getting into counseling to repair the damage you did and to recover the marriage?

Melody, you are just not reading the sentence right.
How else can we FEEL our husband's grief then to FEEL it ourselves?

No we are not into marriage counseling, just doing a lot of reading.
How to survive an affair is what I am reading now, he doesn't want to read it!
Love, Sarah

Sarie, I think I am reading it exactly right. When you are concerned about someone, you talk about THEIR GRIEF, not yours. You are focused on your own heartache and tears at a time when he needs your help to recover. Rather than talking about the devastation he feels, you are on here romanticizing your affair. I only hope and pray that you don't say this kind of stuff to your H.

What was your H's reaction to your affair? Did you tell him the true story?

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 08:44 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

melody, I understand what I think you are sensing, cause the rhetoric disturbs me too.....I still don't think this person is real...but if she is we are getting an intimate view into the thinking/feeling process of a full blown narcissist. She writes all about her, because it is all about her, she has no capacity to feel or see anyone else except as in how it affects her...frankly her posts scare the bejeepers out of me. I don't know if such a behavior pattern is curable, maybe it is a result of so many years in the affair (huge fogbank), and will change after a time and the enormity of what she did to her H will be felt..but I doubt it. This is one world class manipulative individual. I wonder what she actually told her H, I wonder if she brought him her to see what she has written (radical honesty requires revealing your thoughts/feelings and this would be a good start to let him see into her). Her posts real like someone living in a dreamworld, with her at the center, and nothing exists outside of her view...scarey scarey stuff. I really hope she is not real....

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 08:49 AM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 09:14 AM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>

You are right about what I sense here. I agree with everything you said, and if she is real, I can only imagine how she spun the story to her H, if at all. Since she is a relentless manipulator of reality and people, I doubt he has a clue what really happened.

Melody and sufdb, he hides his grief in silence.
Yes, it would be much better if he talked about it.
(I wish my story wasn't true and I could go back to before the OM>)

I told my husband the truth, however, I did not tell him how much I grieve for the lost friendship of this OM.

For three weeks it was terrible, but now it is getting better in that we are making love again and he wants to move forward.
It probably is being kinda (a lot) swept under the carpet but I am following him on whether to talk more about it.

He seems to know all he wants to know, doesn't want to keep talking about it.

Melody, if you have never been involved in a passionate love affair, you really can't fathom what it is like for the WS.

It was the same when our beloved, handsome, auburn -haired, smart son, age 18, died from a car accident.
We did not talk much about it after it happened.
The pain was TOO great.
Love, Sarah

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 09:17 AM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
<strong>

Melody, if you have never been involved in a passionate love affair, you really can't fathom what it is like for the WS.

It was the same when our son, age 18, died.
We did not talk much about it after it happened.
The pain was TOO great.
Love, Sarah </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">UNLIKE the death of child, a sick marriage must be discussed in order for it to recover. Adultery is tragedy that is a RESULT of behavior that has to be addressed. The death of a child is a tragedy that is not the result of any behavior. Folks can recover [somewhat] from a death without changing behavior, a sick marriage or a sick mind CANNOT.

Instead of being gleeful that your H seems to want to sweep it all under the rug, maybe you could try and understand that this is NOT a good sign and show a little concern? Try to help him maybe? You have been through the death of a child, so try and imagine the depth of the grief that your H must be feeling now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
<strong>
Melody, if you have never been involved in a passionate love affair, you really can't fathom what it is like for the WS.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, I feel I must emphasize that any grief you feel is SELF-INFLICTED and a direct consequence of your chosen behavior. It is not even a fraction of the devastation that your victim feels. His grief is closer to that of losing a child. He didn't get a choice in all this.

And yes, I have been in a "passionate" relationship that ended badly and so has most every person in the world. You are not unique, except that your pain was SELF-INFLICTED.

Congratulations on finally telling your H the truth about your affair. As you've seen for yourself, he is more emotionally stronger than you initially gave him credit for.

Sarah, while you can't force your H to open up and discuss the affair, you can write him a letter explaining to him that it was the avoidance of ANY conflict that contributed to the environment that made the affair possible. When one spouse doesn't want to talk or take things seriously that the other spouse does, it opens up the opportunity to start depending on another person and planting the seeds of an affair. You can convey to him that the two of you could agree to set up a small amount of time (half an hour to an hour) each week to talk about the affair and other issues related to it. It would not only help him but you as well since you'd finally have a H that would share with you his deepest thoughts and feelings and help you to recover much faster from the pain of withdrawl from the OM.

Good luck and God bless.

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Melody

I can sense your anger, and I KNOW your frustration. I have been there, and continue dealing with it. I understand that you feel that Sarie is not 'getting it', and perhaps she is not YET. But, don't make the mistake and think that she is a substitute for your HUSBAND. HE hurt you, and if anything, at least in the very least, I would suspect that you wish that HE was doing what Sarie is doing in her marriage. TRYING!!!

I don't accept anything about how Sarie has dealt with her marriage. I denounce the affair, and the seemingly lack of real consequences as of yet. However, I do know that she is doing MORE for her marriage at this time than MY ex did at anytime. I KNOW that at the very least, she has stated that what she did is wrong, and in some way, understands that she has hurt someone else.

I suspect that you have not had that in your relationship, and although it is easy to lash out at the people who come here from 'the other side', what wouldn't you give or have given to hear similar words from your husband. I would have given anything I had...

She is not your husband Melody...

Sarie...

I do think that you have not quite 'gotten it' however, I applaud that you seem to be trying. If you lament what you could have had, you will lament a dream. Think about how you thought your marriage would turn out early on. Now, think about adding infidelity, affair, breakup, heartache, guilt, etc. to it, and then think about how your relationship would be with this OM. Your husband didn't kick you out of the house when he found out, and that is indeed commendable. But don't make the mistake that it means that you deserve to be there. You must rebuild that which you have destroyed. And given THAT end, you will reap the rewards. IF you focus on how 'You were wronged and what you have lost' then you might as well leave now. Save him the heartbreak of doing this again.

FC,

Please don't confuse my anger at injustice with some kind of imagined residual anger at my H. It is anything but. I have no anger at my H. Any decent person with a conscience should feel angered at the underlying callousness and cruelty in her posts regardless of any past history with adultery. One doesn't have to experience cruelty to be angered by it when they see it happening to others. That is just simple common empathy.

As you can see from this thread, it is not just BS' who react to her posts this way, but other WS's.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">However, I do know that she is doing MORE for her marriage at this time than MY ex did at anytime. I would suspect that you wish that HE was doing what Sarie is doing in her marriage. TRYING!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And maybe that is why you accept her empty, insincere actions as sufficient? Because comparably speaking, what she has is good compared to yours? On the other hand my H and I have a wonderful marriage that has been in recovery for years. We are more in love that we ever were and have reached a level of intimacy that I never thought possible.

Dear 'Too much coffeeman' and 'Confused'.
Thanks for your understanding replies.

Yes, when we were married 35 years ago we were both so in love and so happy.
I was 18, just out of high school and my husband wasn't quite 20.

We waited until after marriage to have sex and I got pregnant right away.
Our daughter was born 10 months later!

In six years we had four children and it was all I ever wanted to do, to be a mom and raise happy children.
I LOVED my job.

I remember talking to our pastor, that life was SO GOOD and I was SO HAPPY that it almost scared me.
Knowing inevidently that there is bound to be dark clouds in our lives.

The first heartache was when my 30 year old only beloved brother shot himself. (He lived in the farm right beside us; we built on his property.)
So terrible and my having to comfort my mom and dad and try to tell them he could not help himself.
That he was 'sick' (He got very depressed when his wife left for a vacation to Germany, where she was from) just as if he had cancer and
and could not control the outcome.

Anyway, when I met the other fellow, 25 years into our marriage; it was unbelievable how he made me feel and how much love he felt for me and me for him. (Yes, Melanie, I am romantising again.) (He was sick and dying but through the miracle of a transplant, he recovered. He has now found someone who he can share his life with since he could NOT have me for keeps as I would NEVER leave my husband.)

I never dreamed in all my lifetime that I would even consider being unfaithful to my husband but I was.
And now the thrill is gone and the heartache my husband and myself is enduring remains!
Love, Sarah

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>

I am another person who goes back and forth with Sarie's tale. At times I think it is a troll designed to amuse some creep at our expense. At other times the story is a tragedy of misunderstanding and ignorance.

If it is true I must admit that Sarie is doing more to preserve her marriage than my WW is.

My story is 100% true.
It really isn't that unusual or unique!

I am going to share here a part of an e-mail the OM sent me in August when we parted:

"The trouble with love affairs, they are not for keeps, to face living alone the rest of your life with only a few fleeting moments of companionship is quite ominous and leaves you with an empty feeling....You need to comprehend what the feeling is like to be alone every day and every night in your home with no one ever there--maybe you can imagine if you try.

You have your husband, I am alone, and now I have the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with a woman that loves me and I have love for her. She is a wonderful woman. She has been widowed for 3 years. She needs me and I need her.

Sarah, I will love you and remember you until the day I die, but I accept I can never have you for keeps.
You know that is what I always wanted but you absolutely refused to even consider it.

We are now at the crossroads, and darling I wish you only the best in your life with your husband and family.

You have been the sunshine of my life for such a long time. It was you that gave me a reason to live when my life seemed to be at the end.
Thank you for your love and caring.
Love always______(Other man's name"

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 12:10 PM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>