I'm 36 and married for almost 8yrs,with a 5yr old daughter. I met T almost 9 months ago, when i changed jobs. Our meeting was quite accidental and we kind of "hit it off" straight away. She used to work with my current employer,and was just visiting the office when we met. I invited her for coffee and we chatted for awhile...the regular topics of work,friends,colleagues and so forth. When we parted company that day, we agreed to keep in touch with each other.
I personally found her to be quite an interesting person as i gathered that she is quite ambitious and has set goals for herself to attain. At 26yrs old and single, she already has a car, house and and a stable job. She's tell me that she's a simple person with little want's, except to achieve her goals.
We met up a few more times,always over coffee,and before i knew what was happening, i found myself constantly thinking of T and eagerly waiting for the next appointment with her. We regularly kept in touch thru our mobiles, thru calls or msg's. All this while, my wife never knew anything of T, or even of her existance.
Soon, i found myself longing to see and spend more and more time with T. I would actually find excuses not to go home for lunch,saying that i had prior appointments with my suppliers or colleagues.
All this time,little did i know that T was also feeling the same way bout me,but kept it to herself. One night, i asked T out for drinks and we got into the topic of relationships. She knows of my situation and she just ended a 4yr relationship with her X almost a year ago. I was quite elated to know that she wasn't seeing anyone and thought that maybe i could drop some hints to her of the way i felt towards her. To my utter surprise,she caught on to what i was getting at and said that she felt the same way.
Now, to cut things short, i've been seeing T seriously for the last 7mths and we are really in love with each other. The discovery of my affair came to light one night when i had an arguement with my wife concerning my after office hours activities. She said that i was going out too much with my colleagues and suppliers lately and not spending time with the family. By the way, i was also attending night classes about 4x a week to get my marketing diploma.
After one particular long discussion one night with my wife, i admitted to my wife that i had been seeing someone else for the last few months.(This discussion lasted until 7am the next morn!!!) Needless to say, my wife felt really cheated and her trust betrayed by me. This is the first time i've ever done anything of this sort in my life,and most men will say that i'm an idiot for revealing the affair and better to keep her guessing. I guess the guilt was kind of burdening and not to mention my work and night class to add to the pressure.
My wife asked me who T was and i made up some name to satisfy her at that time. This issue went on for a couple of weeks until today.
I'm actually here today, trying to find out what went wrong with me,as i have told my wife that she is totally innocent and not to be blamed for this whole issue. Both our families know of whats happening, and my phone didn't stop ringing for the first couple of days.
To shorten this issue, i'm now living with my brother and see my wife and daughter every other day....if she(my wife) wants to see me that is.
I'm also still in touch with T and see her for drinks and sometimes lunch together. She's very caring and listens when i talk. She actually encourages me to talk about my work,classes and family with her. She did occassionally mention that she feels it's all her fault that has placed me in this current position, but i told her that it's not. If anyone's to be blamed, then it should be me and no one else. The problem is, i can't see myself losing her at all.
I'm hoping someone can shed some light on my situation and maybe give some advise. My wife says that the two of us were "zapped by aliens and are now lost in foggyland" with no way out.

I am very glad you told your wife. Do You love her and your child? The marriage can be saved, but you will need to do some hard work. You will need to cut off all contact with your OW, T. All contact.

Next you will need to figure out what needs were not being met at home. Your needs and your wife's needs. Read Dr. Harley's book His needs Her needs and Surviving the Affair. I am very happy you found this web site. A lot of BW may vent to you. Do not take it personnally. The pain you have caused your wife is unbelievable. I am almost three years away from the affair my H had and it still hurts. You cannot imagine how much.

The OW, T was meeting some of your needs. You need to figure out which ones, my guess, admiration and sex, and let your wife meet those. She will only return if she is willing to take another chance on you. That is up to her. The chance of your relationship with the OW woirking out in the long term has a statistical chance of survival of less than 3%. Read the welcome on the just found out board. My last post will help with what you need to do.

Many have affairs and survive. You marriage will be different from now on, but it can be better. Your wife will need to go thru the stages of greif. This will be painful to both of you. You have a family with her, you need to try and repair your life. You will need to spend at least 15 hrs alone with her a week. You need to start dating her again. This is what brings the love back, and the in love feeling. The chemical attraction to T will fade as you break off contact. You will go thru withdrawl and be tempted to contact her. do not. I know you are hurting too. Be strong and try to do the right thing for your family. Your love can grow with your wife, I AM proof of that and the love with my H has grown. (sorry for the typos).

Thanks 4 ur reply, NewJersey. I actually thought no one would reply. I do know that what i have done is really and unbelievably stupid, but i'm really in love with T. And she feels the same way too. I've read a few of this MB sites, of course at the behest of my wife...she does want me to see that i'm not alone in this.
But honestly, i feel so lost when it comes to having any feelings of affection or love towards my wife. She asked me a qst one night almost 2 mths ago, and it went like this..."Do you still love me.."?? And me, being the WS pig that i was actually replied.. "I do love and care for you, but i'm not in love with you.." Do you understand what i mean..??
T is a very sweet and kind person,and i really feel that she's not be blamed for any of this. As i've told everyone..and i mean everyone that knows of what my wife and i are going through right now, that all the cause and blame is my fault and mine alone!!!! It all started from me and i don't blame my wife for anything. She's such a loving person and a wonderful mother to our daughter.
Right now, i really can't bring myself to hurt T or my wife and daughter. I know i'm starting to sound like the person who wants the best of both worlds, but it's the honest truth. I know that no matter what anyone says or does, ultimately i have to make a decision which is going to hurt someone. I'm not a cruel or vicious person and i'm absolutely sure my wife can attest to that.
My wife is really trying her best to make me do the right thing and come back to her and give our marriage a chance...but i seem to be resisting all advances from her. I know what i'm saying bcoz i know what i'm feeling now. Sorry if i'm confusing you,ok. what did you expect from someone lost in foggyland..hahaha.
The last time she saw me on the phone with T,(caught is more like it!!!!)i decided to just admit that i had not broken contact with her at all, and i just wanted to come clean and be rid of the burden of guilt and hiding the affair. let me say that it was quite a relief. At that moment, i told myself that i will accept any and all consequences when this affair comes into the open. I think i know how my wife felt,and she didn't say much except that i move out the very next day. That was 2wks ago, and haven't been back since then. I still kept in contact with my wife though,to find out how my daughter is getting along. Our lives,relationship and everything else is not the same as it was b4.I can accept that now, but a big part of me still wants to stay away from the family and my longing,feelings,attraction,infatuation...whatever you wanna call it,is still so strong towards T. I'm NOT prepared to give her up and thats the honest truth. I actually feel like i'm prepared to risk everything to be with T,even knowing that the chances of this relationship has only a 3% chance of survival as you pointed out statistically. But it's still 3% and not 0%!!
Am i totally blind, or deaf,dumb and blind??! I have a prearranged appt with a priest tomorrow,courtesey of my in-laws about this whole thing, and i feel that my wife expects an answer tomorrow itself. Man,what a day it's gonna be!!!
Anyway,thnx again for your reply and if you decide not to reply me again,thats ok.
One last thing though,no matter what was written in the books and what is said in this site, i know that i have to decide soon and someones gonna get hurt really bad. I never meant for this to happen...,but now that it has, i make the bed and i sleep in it.

"in love" is something that can change, believe it or not...spend enough time meeting your wife's ENs and when she reciprocates by meeting your ENs you will fall "in love" with your wife again. Did you tell OW (T) that you were married? If so it was wrong of her to enter into a relationship with you. You CHOSE to enter this knowingly...instead of talking about these longings with your wife. Now you MUST end this relationship and commit to your marriage. T is single and will find someone else...worry about your wife and try to see how wrong and selfishly you acted towards your family.

Marcus,

I didn't even have to get past the second sentence in your first post to say: "Oh no,here we go again".

The MOMENT you started getting any kind of feelings for that single woman you should have started talking about your wife and daughter.It was also inappropriate to keep on feeding that relationship like you did even though it may have felt good at the time.It always starts out as "innocent" talk and having lunch or coffee etc but the more you meet eachothers emotional needs like you both aptly did,the more closer you get.And now you are here.Ugh.

I know right now you don't want to give up the other woman(OW),your feelings are strong for this person because you gave yourself away to what was essentially a stranger and now your wife and daughter are suffering.But let me say this: I have been dealing with a similar situation for 4 months now and my WH and I are inching ever closer to divorce because of the fact that he will not break off the affair with OW.

I know you are confused right now and you may just be willing to risk everything including any integrity and honesty you may have had but you have a chance to make things right so keep reading the posts here and ask for help.

Keep in mind that what you are feeling is the infatuation stage or "falling in love" stage and it is NOT long term love.Everyone has this initial feeling,strong or mild but it is what initially attracts us to someone of the opposite sex.Common interests,the joy of finding out new things about eachother,etc all play a role in how we form feelings for another.

BUT,your relationship with T would most certainly over time be less exciting once REALITY comes into play.Finances,children,work schedules,baggage,emotions,needs,families etc all affect the way we live and this OW would no longer seem so special so you would have just "traded" one woman and her set of "problems" for another only one woman is your WIFE and you have a CHILD with HER.You need to look deep within yourself to figure out why this A happened.

Also,this OW was just as much a part of the A as you are so don't try to protect her or her "image".She is not innocent if she knew that you were married.She needs to find a man that is NOT married and develop a healthy relationship with HIM not YOU.

O

Right now T is an angel in your eyes who can do no wrong, but do you know why? Because you haven't lived with her on a day to day basis. There are no emotional battle scars from all the little battles that almost all couples go through during their marriage. She represents an escape to a simpler time when you didn't have the burden and responsibility of a wife and child. Is it any wonder that when you compare her with your W(wife), your W pales in comparison? But it is just a fantasy because the reality of your deeds can never be denied no matter how much you try. If you make the decision to leave your W to make a new life with T, always keep in mind that T will never trust you when you start coming home late. Why? Because she'll have historical knowledge to back up her fears. She's going to KNOW for a fact that you are the kind of man that when he meets another woman, and spends more private time with her than with his W, he's very likely to fall in love with her. In time, T's insecurities may grow and even lead her to have an affair of her own, fall in love and leave you for another man. Unlikely you say? Not at all for this has happened more than enough times that it has almost become a cliche. I suggest that you give some serious thought about what the future is truly going to be like if you decide to leave your W and marry T.

Good luck.

Marcus, here's a quote lifted from a post by lost-without-her:

"Love isn't a FEELING, it is an ACTION word."

He also included the following letter from Dr. Laura's website:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lost-without-her:
<strong>
Dear Dr. Laura,

After listening to your caller today who wanted to know what to do because he didn’t “feel” love for his wife anymore, but felt like he would towards a sister, I felt compelled to comment.

Two years ago I was in a similar situation. I merely tolerated being married because I didn’t want my three children (at the time ages 16, 10, and 3) to come from a broken home. I finally came to the realization one day that I was responsible for my feelings, and I did something about it.

I resolved right then and there that nobody – friends, family, coworkers (not even you, Dr. Laura) – would hear me say anything negative or critical about my wife. Every word anybody heard from me would be only positive when it concerned her. If I had anything of that nature to say, I could lovingly discuss it with her or shut up about it and that was that. I also decided that, no matter how I FELT, I would always treat her as though she was the single most beautiful thing God had ever created, and that any act of love I could do for her, I would do. I wake up in the morning and bring her a fresh, hot cup of coffee in bed. Then I warm up the shower and make sure to wash her back for her (I didn’t have to pretend I enjoyed that). I cheerfully cook dinner when she has had a difficult day, give our daughter her bath and insist that she take a nap on Sunday afternoon after church.

Although I sometimes find the topic as exciting as a cold mashed potato sandwich, I pay attention to what she says and comment on it because that is more important than what is happening on Law and Order on television. I even do grocery shopping, alone or with her if she likes. I even go clothes shopping with her (usually every man’s nightmare) and give her genuine input and show honest interest. The idea is to spend time with her, regardless of what we are doing. I looked for genuine ways to compliment her (I’m really impressed with your knowledge of special needs children). I pamper, take care of, and generally spoil my sweetheart as much and as often as I can.

Since you have a background in psychology, you can guess what happened. If you change your behavior, your mind follows suit. I didn’t have to spend much time telling her how incredible she was before I began to believe everything I told her. Tonya became more beautiful by the day, and is far more intelligent than I ever gave her credit for before my “awakening.”

It has been over two years, and our life together is far and away better than anything I could have imagined. Tonya is my best friend, wife, sweetheart and companion all wrapped up into one fabulously beautiful package, and we grow closer by the day. I don’t always “feel” love, but I always make it a point to “do” loving things so that she can “feel” loved. We will be married 23 years on the 22nd of this month, and people we meet think we are newlyweds because we are so affectionate with each other.

If I could talk to your caller, I would tell him to stop expecting his marriage to fix itself. Love isn’t a feeling, it is an action word. Love is what you promised to do when you stood before the preacher with the second most beautiful woman in the world (my Tonya is the first). So stop whining and start loving your wife. The rewards are far beyond what you can imagine. I am living proof of that.

John L. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Something to think about.

Where to start...
rambling on....

This is the first time i've ever done anything of this sort in my life,and most men will say that i'm an idiot for revealing the affair and better to keep her guessing

hhhmmm....that's quite a skewed view on men isn't it......
most men of honor, value, and worth...would say...
ummmm better to not cheat on wife at all...
what kind of men do ya hang around with that have such a negative destructive view of marriage...
and
better get some new ones to hang with...

Right now, i really can't bring myself to hurt T or my wife and daughter.
well lets get real here...really real...
too late on that one
you have hurt your wife...
you have hurt your daughter
you have hurt this OW
and you have hurt yourself..

can't really deny that now can you..
your daughter is at great risk to becoming a victim of divorce...with a father who now visits...
and is at great risk..to never have one home again...but one she lives at one in which she gets to visit daddy with his new love...
lucky kid....
remember we are being real here...some of us are..

then there is your wife...

I read a book once that had infidelity, and the wife was confronted by the husband out with the OW....and she simply looked her husband in the eyes and asked him...

"When did I become your enemy?"

what a poweful bring you to your knees thought or feeling a betrayed person must feel...how sad and lonely...
and yet this is the woman of whom you sing such praise...??
interesting...

I do know that what i have done is really and unbelievably stupid,

see I think stupid is leaving the refrig door open...forgetting to get gas...
what you are doing is a lot more that stupid...
very dangerous when we start changing definitions to meet our needs
stupid
love
committment
trust..etc...


Our actions define us...and when are actions are
full of
deceipt..
lies...
dishonorable actions..

then that is who we are...no matter what or who we say we are...
how will you teach your child to value these things...when your own actions teach differently...

And who will you run to escape the reality of what your actions say about you...why it's elementary...the Ow...for surely with her there will be no questioning on how can be so creul to your daughter and risk her security...
or know questions on how can speak so lovingly of your wife...and yet stab in the back..
no don't think the OW will ask many questions like that....

She actually encourages me to talk about my work,classes and family with her.

whooo good thing...stick to that difficult topic about school...

I'm NOT prepared to give her up and thats the honest truth. I actually feel like i'm prepared to risk everything to be with T,

then why are you here???

In regards to the OW...if I were you I would look long and hard on how it has served you and your life...and look long and hard inwards as to why you do hold on to it...I don't think it's there because is it any more real or more true than other feelings....I think it serves a purpose...
that has not necessarily served you well...You have sought a lot of validation from HER to make you think it is true...have you sought any one elses validation as well?

I also would debate the "love" word till the cows come home....that though you may claim to love the OW...it can only be a reflection that you hold to...for real love is action....and certain actions can not exist in a triangle and people always get hurt....


ARK....

<small>[ January 20, 2004, 09:50 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

Hi-hope you are having a good day. I wish I could give you the wisdom I have gained over the past 3 years. I wish I could tell you that I have seen this replayed so many times and although you think these feelings are unique, they are so very typical.

I will just give you my opinion. I have read here, books on the subject and have also the opinon of the OW by reading their website. Just some background. I have also been a BW and my father was a serial cheater, he and my mother are still together and have been married for 50 years. They are quite happy and he is happy that he stayed with all of us.

My H also had feelingfothe OW. She made him feel alive and young. She was free to give him all the attention he needed. I was too busy with work and the children. I didn't know about needs then. We stopped dating, talking and even having lunch. We were so busy and I was so worried about the kids and my job and the house. The passion was burried. The OW was beautiful and able to totally dedicate herself to him. He was ready to leave us for her.

MY H is a very intelligent man. I told him, remember, you felt that way about me once. Your feelings for her will change with children and a job (stats once again say that you are happiest with your first spouce). He remembered. The thought of me with someone else also killed him. His bride with another man. I would have moved on so your wife will too. She may not even take you back to be honest. Many of your friends will be coming on to her, just like my H's friends came on to me. People know a good catch. Men love a women who was just left, they like to rescue, isn't that true?

OK, so you love T. Put your love to the test. Go no contact with her. NO contact at all. Go to marriage counc. Give it a chance. If it doesn't work out , then you enter a new relationship. You have done it the wrong way.

Let me predict-case one-follow MB with your wife. You discover that the passion can return. You start to really enjoy each other and enter into a mature marriage. You find new hobbies together, sail the world and your daughter grows up in a stable home with her mom and dad, who I am sure adores her.

case two-leave for OW. Wife is bitter, daughter thinks it is her fault. Daddy doesn't love her. Wife moves on, new career, new man, new interests. You stay with OW, she's not so sure she wants to be with a cheater. She leaves for a single guy. Now you need to start over. Or you get married, daughter hates the woman who took her dad away, marriage turns out to be the same or worse and love feeling fade, this time she cheats. But you'll take her back, right?

You have got to be responsible, grow up, you are married, not dating. You have to give your marriage an honest try before you can toss it aside.

By the way, my H now thinks it was the stupidest thing he ever did in his life. He said he never really loved her, it was pure sexual attraction and yes it fades within 6 weeks to 6 months. I wish you luck you are going to need it. He thought it was love too. Now he just thinks it was stupid. PS it isn't fair to T either. Let her go. You know the saying, if you love someone set them free.

Hope I didn't scare you away. I have a great deal of passion about this topic and do not want to see another family destroyed by an affair. Please keep reading here. I know this is one of the hardest things you have ever gone thru. Hope you are having a good day. Jersey Girl

Had to add my opinion. T is not a kind and caring person. She does not care that this behavior hurts your wife and child. She does not care that it hurts your marriage. If she felt so guilty she would have NC with you.

Start reading here, and see how many folks have "fell in love" with someone else after many years of marriage. See how many cannot get the feeling of love back for their partner - while still betraying them with OP.

Look at the statistics that show that you and T have about a 5% chance of getting married, and if you do, a 75% chance of getting divorced. Sorry to be so hard on you, but you are making the biggest mistake of your life.

Marcus,

Take a good look at your child. Will this T be the wonderful person you think she is when you ask her to put her job on hold to help you with a sick child? Will she sacrafice her career and happiness to advise and cousel your child when she is a teenager? Will she be a good role model for your daughter when she is 16 and wants to know why shouldn't she have sex with her boyfriend, after all they love each other???

Wake up! If you have problems with your marriage get help and solve them. Forget T. Any woman who would have an A with a married man is already dishonest and disrespectable.

You are acting like a jerk. Stop it!

Hi lost in foggyland! I'm glad you came to this site. It may be awhile before you recognize and accept that you are in a fog, but it will happen if you allow it. You talk about the OW and you make it sound like you're lucky because she picked you...she's young, has a house and a good job...

But what kind of moral values does she have? If she really wanted to date you, she would have waited until you were available...well right now you're not. Why would she want to have a long term relationship with you? You're a cheat and a liar?

I have another perspective for you, what if you were the OW father? Is that what you want for your daughter, to think that all she deserves is someone who belongs to someone else? Do you want your D to love a man like you? (from daughters perspective...hmmm, Mommy takes care of me, the house, loves me protects me, plays with me, spends time with me, everyone says that she's a good person...but Daddy's not with her...what kind of girl is Daddy with...I guess that's the kind of woman that I should be, not like my Mommy, but like the lady my Daddy left my Mommy for)

Do honestly believe that T would be good to YOUR daugher?

As a BS you may think I'm being rather cruel...you may be right, but right now you're being incredibly selfish and you need absolute strangers to make that point to you!

"You may find that having is not so satisfying as wanting" TV character Spock from the original Star Trek series.

<small>[ January 21, 2004, 09:41 PM: Message edited by: nitasbabygirl ]</small>

Hello there jersey girl and the rest of you. Didn't realise my little dilemma would attract so much attention..talk about BW!!! Don't really know what to say, now that i'm here again.
All the replies point to one direction only, i guess. Why am i not surprised??? My wife told me that in order for me to come home,there are some conditions to be met.
1.She wants the name,add,phone n mobile no,place of work of OW.
2.Letter of NC.
3.Me to feel remorseful
4.Work with her on MB
I can't give her No.1...or 2,but maybe 3&4 only. How does one TRY to feel remorseful??? I thought it should just come naturally when one really regrets ones' actions. Am i making any sense at all tonight...??? I feel mentally and physically drained. So damn tired.
My wife is trying so hard to get me back...and i'm not moving an inch. Why?? Whats wrong with me??? Come to think of it, maybe i really don't deserve a woman like her. Excuse me for a minute, but i'm gonna be a little religious here. Just bear with me, ok. Anyone religious here??? About a year ago,i prayed and ask God for something. I actually made a deal with him to give something back if it was answered. 7 months ago, he answered me and i got what i wanted. I too kept my end of the deal. But does anyone believe that temptation was also dealt with what was granted to me??? Does this make any sense at all....?? I'm still tryin to figure this one out...!! I used to go to church regularly with my family,until this A started. Now, occassionally. Guilt??? Maybe, i just don't know. Faltering faith??? And no, I'm not blaming God for this mess i'm in and am not looking for excuses too. Input appreciated.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My wife told me that in order for me to come home,there are some conditions to be met.
1.She wants the name,add,phone n mobile no,place of work of OW.
2.Letter of NC.
3.Me to feel remorseful
4.Work with her on MB
I can't give her No.1...or 2,but maybe 3&4 only. How does one TRY to feel remorseful??? I thought it should just come naturally when one really regrets ones' actions. Am i making any sense at all tonight...??? I feel mentally and physically drained. So damn tired.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With the exception of point #3, what your BW is asking is very realistic and part of the MB method for ending an affair and rebuilding the marriage. It is very common for the WS to not have any remorse soon after the end of the affair. For these WS the withdrawl from the OP is very strong, painful and it is unrealistic for the BS to expect remorse during this stage of withdrawl. Your BW should read the case of Jon and Sue in Dr Willard Harley's book 'Surviving An Affair' to understand this point well. Remorse will most likely come after your withdrawl from the OW ends and when you both least expect it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anyone religious here??? About a year ago,i prayed and ask God for something. I actually made a deal with him to give something back if it was answered. 7 months ago, he answered me and i got what i wanted. I too kept my end of the deal. But does anyone believe that temptation was also dealt with what was granted to me??? Does this make any sense at all....?? I'm still tryin to figure this one out...!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And how did you repay God? You stopped going to church and committed adultery. In other words you betrayed God, your W, your child and yourself. I do not point to this to be mean to you but to get you to see the truth. It is still not too late to do make amends to God, your family, and yourself.

**1.She wants the name,add,phone n mobile no,place of work of OW.

She want accountability on your part. You have shown yourself to be untrustworthy. She has NO reason to trust you. Giving her this information plus full accountability for everywhere you go and everything you do is the only way to get that trust back. It will take time.


**2.Letter of NC.

This is a very reasonable request. You can do it. You say you can't, but she (and I) interpret that as you won't. You obviously don't want to give up OW at this time.


**3.Me to feel remorseful

Dr. H in his book SAA indicates that remorse is not always to be expected in the early stages of recovery. Your wife can't force you to be remorseful. She should drop that request. It is the only one you can't choose to do.

**4.Work with her on MB

Obviously, you can choose to do this and you should.

**I can't give her No.1...or 2,but maybe 3&4 only.

Garbage. You can choose to give her 1, 2 and 4. What's stopping you?



** Am i making any sense at all tonight...???

Not to me.

** I feel mentally and physically drained. So damn tired.

You expected to feel great about trashing your marrige and family?

** maybe i really don't deserve a woman like her.

The way you are acting now, you don't deserve her. But you can change and be deserving of her once again.

**Excuse me for a minute, but i'm gonna be a **little religious here. Just bear with me, ok.

Sorry, I can't bear it when people use God to justify their sins. Marriage is a covenant between man, woman, and God. You broke it. God didn't.

OK, I am going to put away my 2x4 and speak more softly. Marcus, take a good long look at what you are doing. Think hard about the long term consequences of your actions. Think about your wife who has born your child. Think about your child. Please do this. My WW thinks a lot like you, even to the point of invoking god to justify her behavior. What she doesn't see (because she is gone from our family) is the pain I suffer, the pain our child suffers, the anger directed against her by family and friends. She has given up a good home, healthy if not perfect marriage, children, and economic security to be with a man who is a liar and a cheat.

You are going to do the same thing if you don't change course. Get professional help if needed. But stop this before you do more damage.

<small>[ January 22, 2004, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

Oh Marcus-I was raised Catholic-still have the ruler marks-might just say the devil was at work with you.

Anyway, #3 will come. After you think about what you really will loose in life, I think you will agree to #1 and #2.

You are barganing and this just isn't an option if you really want to give the marriage a fair chance, and I think you should if for nothing more than for your daughter.

You need to let T go. You have unfinished business with your family first. Divorce is too easy these days. Anyone can get divorced. It is hard work to stay married-that is the point, otherwise you might just live with someone a few years and then move on to the next.

We are proof that the passion can return if you start to spend time with the person you should be spending time with. You will be very surprised in a year from now if you give it a try.

I am sorry that the relationship with T ever started. It was doomed by how it was created. You should have stopped it, and she should never had accepted it. It was just plain wrong and no matter how you or anyone tries to sugar coat it, it will always have been an affair. I am sorry because I know you are hurting too. Everyone gets hurt in an affair, those who started it and everyone around them. If your wife is willing to look at your needs, please give it a try. An affair is never right, and never the answer, but she needs to acknowledge that there were needs of yours she might not have been meeting. The one innocent here is your daughter-she was given life by you, and you owe this to her. That is part of being a parent. You need to give this your all so that someday you can look her in the eye the same way my Dad can look at me.

My father was my biggest support during my H's affair. I wish you luck today Marcus, you really need to let T go, and have no contact or this will become even more painful for all involved. I am sorry because I know it will hurt for a while, but the pain will go away if you stick with it. It will be OK and you will be able to look yourself in the mirror if you have tried your best.

Not all marriages can be saved, but there cannot be a third party involved if there is ever going to be a chance.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

All the replies point to one direction only, i guess. Why am i not surprised???

ummm wrong Marcus...there are lots of directions....
It is you who are not moving...
and your non-movement...conveying your betrayal and then what??
doing nothing...
while your wifes, daughter, and OW lives hang it the balance of what it is you decide....

I can't give her No.1...or 2

change that too "I choose not to give her NO.1...or 2."...
and in that choice lies a decision on your part...
which leads to her part..
of reacting to that decision in the best interest of her and your daughter...

inaction and waffling is a choice
and it will become your decision...

How does one TRY to feel remorseful???
forget remorseful but a the tiniest shread of empathy may help...

your posts are cold hearted...
they scream of protecting the OW over anything else...
your wife,
your daugther...

each minute your actions define you...
you took vows marcus...
you swore to love, honour, and cherish,
when did you add the addendum and sub-clauses?
some of this really is that simple...

again, why are you here at marraige builders...

ARK

Had to jump in on this one. Oh yeah, "she loves me" all right. Thats how it all starts. But let me tell you, the pain and suffering you are dishing out to all, including your kid, is going to ruin your life.

Open your eyes and look around you, even in the celebrity world. Men will go to the extremes of even killing their w for the so called lover. But what a joke it turns into, as the lover goes on to another man and the H goes to jail.

Any person willing to come on to a married person is just playing a selfish game. The A is destined for failure, with many feelings hurt. Think of your kid. Life if tough enough today without the kid watching screwed up parents. Forget this OW and work hard to get your W back. Good luck.