My H and I have been in marriage counseling for about a year. It has been an extrememly slow heaking process because as well as lying to me, he was lying to our counselor. (The sad part was our counselor believed him.)

D-day was about 3 yrs ago. H was acting strange so I asked THE question, "Are you having an affair?" Wow, did he blow up! I knew I hit a nerve.

After months and months of bulls..t, he finally said he thought of leaving me for this other woman, a client. She use to call the house and they would talk about business...I think, but I would cringe just hearing her voice.

He then changed the story to he would masturbate to her and in the fantasy she would ask him to leave me. When I asked why he put a thought like that in his mind his answer was he didn't know because it came out of her mouth. ( how much sense does that make.) Later he said he didn't know what he was saying.

One day sticks in my mind so vividly. He was to go to her house to do some work (he's a contractor) and he told me she wouldn't be home because she didn't like being there when someone was working.

Approximately 3 hours later she calls and asks for him. I told her he was suppose to be at her house. She says she went to her neighbors place upstairs and fell asleep. She never left orders at the front desk to let him in. I then called to tell him that she had just called and his reaction was anger. "Why did she call you?"

Many months after D-day and many questions later he said he was obssessed by her, he had a quick thought of leaving me for her, he would look at her picture in her apartment to remind him of what she looked like, he said he also had a fantasy of the two of them talking at her table and smoking pot,(he was also addicted to pot) and then going into her bedroom with her and so on....

He later took everything back and said they were all lies. ......Ugh When I would ask questions after he said they were lies his answer was...I don't know.

He has recently been told he has many narcissitc behaviors. His mother is a textbook case narcissist. Everytime we get better and things seem to be going well he does something to push me back. I feel like he tries to do it. He like stress and tension.

He was fired from his job, I'm currently not working because of children. Our house went into foreclosure, I broke my foot and had a plate put in it (no insurance). I now have to go out and make things happen so that we don't loose it all. I have been trying to keep it together but I'm at my breaking point. I don't know what to believe anymore. He says he's trying. I think he is but he is alot of words and hardly any action.

Can anyone give me their insight. I really need to do something in a positive direction. At this point my mind is going in soooo many directions I don't know what to do first.

Thanks for reading!

Well you might look into bankruptcy to save the house. Also he should have NC with OW. No working on her house, no calls, nothing. Then you need to get a job, and get into counseling whether he goes or not. You may be able to find a support group in the meantime. I know you are running out of options, but take one step at a time. Keep posting and reading here. It really helps.

HI Believer,

Thank you for your input. I have saved the house. Thank God. I'm looking for a job now. We both have been in counseling for over 1 year. The only problem is H lies to counselor. Doesn't do any of us any good. Counselor finally saw his lies. As far as my home goes, I have secured it, Thank God.

I just don't know what to believe with my H. Trust is a very BIG issue and I need to question everything he says. It really sucks! He may love me but he has very selfish ways and I don't know whether I can hang on much longer. It seems when things calm he will do something to get the arguements going again.

He was trying so hard for awhile and now it seems as if he is falling back into his old ways. Very slowly but I do see it. When I try telling him that, he gets angry and says he has changed and I can't see it. He has changed but I see him falling backwards again. Trying to talk to him only brings arguements. He wants to put it behind and not pay any consequences, trust issues because he did so much lying I didn't know if I was coming or going. I'm suppose to trust him because he says so!

I'm at my breaking point. I can't talk to anyone but our counselor with regard to this because my friends will think he is an a.. I guess if the shoe fits wear it.

Thanks again for your input. Just talking about it on MB helps a little.

I'm going through the same thing with trust. My H has proven over and over again that I cannot trust him, but still blames me for not trusting him. What a drag. Hang in there and keep reading and posting here. It really helps. No one who has not been through this can really advise you.

Had enuff,

Didn't we post way back in 2002? Not sure but your user name sounds familar. Is this OW the same one from then?

Does his family have a history of depression or bipolar disorders? Sounds like he needs some external assistance. Like somthing is driving him to fail and the OW sounds like a real loser.

If you recall my WS had similar fatality type of lifestyle but didn't bother to inform me, just kept leading me from 1 diaster to another all the while blaming me. Finally the A made me see I was not the insane one but rather the one that had to break free,. For us I had to let him to out there and go boom by himself. It was painful to watch but necessary. The WS told me that if I had kept everything up (paying the bills, etc.) he could have continued his charade. Well that woke me up. From that point on he got to live my pain with the bills.

He is now home and has restored his santity. Very different than the prior false recovery with angry face epsiodes. But it took a loooong time.

Have you read love must be tough by Dr James Dobson? Might be worth the read. Get it from the library.

take care,
L.

Thank you Believer and Orchid for posting a reply. Being able to talk has helped. Orchid, yes I did post some time ago with regard to this situation. Since the last time I posted, nearly a year ago, I have had several revelations. I have done alot of reading and research. He may have been a sexual addict,(he tells me not any more, I'm precautious with that statement because he always wants to look good) but I realized it stems from his narcissistic qualities. He can look me direcly in the eye and lie. Can't believe much if a person can do that. I see he is trying but keeps slipping. How many of the same mistakes can you make before you wake up and smell the coffee, it doesn't work anymore.

My future in, my eyes, looks grim when it comes to staying married. I love him but I think I'm still here because of the kids. I'm looking for a job, trying to pay off all bills and possibly having him leave. I can't live on false promises anymore. I can't live with him telling me how important I am to him and then goes and does something to contradict what he told me.

Sometimes I want to kick myself. I'm an intelligent woman so why was I sooooo stupid?! Where was my head? Why was I soooo blind to his bull?

I'm beginning to regain my sanity back because for awhile I didn't know if I was coming or going. I could distinguish truth from lies.

The one thing that I have a need to know was did he have an affair? The one thing that stands out in my mind was something he said repeatedly, he said I was looking for an affair for grounds for a divorce. Like I didn't have enough grounds? But in his mind maybe he thinks these are the only grounds. Too many coincidences.

Thanks for hearing me out. It really helps and Believer take a look at narcissism. It may only be my H but its something you can put aside if it doesn't fit your H.