I am new to discussion board. I am the WS. H has forgiven me and we are currently reading His Needs/Her Needs together. I know my H and I will make it. However, I feel tremendous guilt and shame for the pain I have caused the OMW and children. Specifically, I made sure she found out I was still seeing her H after she thought all contact had ceased. As a result, she and OM will likely divorce. What kind of person would do such a thing to an innocent person? I need to know what I can do to show my deep remorse. What kind of penance can I do ?

inthewilderness

Welcome to MB. Have you read Dr Harley's book 'Surviving An Affair'? It goes into much greater depth than 'His Needs Her Needs' with regards to infidelity.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I made sure she found out I was still seeing her H after she thought all contact had ceased."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you do it to intentionally hurt her or did you do it because she deserved to know the truth, just like your H. I hope it was the latter, but even if it wasn't, the OM's W did deserve to know what was going on with her H. You did not cause her to make the decision to divorce her H, SHE made that choice. Besides it may very well be that she made the choice because he might have cheated on her in the past, and this was the last straw for her. But be that as it may, it is her choice whether she wants to remain married to the OM or not.

Well the harsh reality is there is nothing you can do.

Of course you must realize that you were just the "get-away-with" driver her husband was the bank robber. He was the main source of pain.

If the OM and his marriage fails it fails because he had an affair, it fails because he lied after the discovery of the affair and continued to see another person and it will fail because of what he didn't do to try and repair the damage his affair caused.

He was the lead you were just a supporting actress.

Accept the harsh reality that the selfish act of committing an affair forever harms both marriages and their families.

Perhaps your true penance is not being able to do anything to erase the pain you played a part in.

I'm not sure why I did it. Part of me was hoping they would divorce so I could have him (sick thinking). Part of me wanted her to know I hadn't been eliminated (very sick, narcisstic, immature and self-serving thinking). Part of me felt she should know.

Originally posted by inthewilderness:
I am new to discussion board.

Welcome. Keep posting.

I am the WS. H has forgiven me and we are currently reading His Needs/Her Needs together. I know my H and I will make it.

The road to recovery takes years of dedication and personal growth.

Recovery is a two-edged sword. The pain you feel stimulates the personal growth.

However, I feel tremendous guilt and shame for the pain I have caused the OMW and children.

That's a good sign for you. Imagine if you felt no pain or remorse .... then you should be worried about yourself

Specifically, I made sure she found out I was still seeing her H after she thought all contact had ceased.

Any insight as to why you did that? It might be interesting for you to explore... did you gain power by making sure she knew? Did you test your relationship with OM by telling his W? The real motive may not be within your scope just yet .... but it will be revealed some day. Keep looking.

As a result, she and OM will likely divorce.

You are not that powerful. You are likely not the ONLY reason they might be divorcing. More likely the OM was less than open and honest .... or perhaps this was strike 2 or 3 for him.... you cannot know what goes on within their relationship, or why they might be divorcing.

You are responsible for some added chaos in their lives, but not for their independant decisions.

What kind of person would do such a thing to an innocent person?

What is your opinion about what kind of person?

Here are some possibilities:

scared, immature, selfish, angry, hurt, desperate..... and so on.

What kind of person makes ammends and attempts to recover her love for her H?

I need to know what I can do to show my deep remorse. What kind of penance can I do ?

Pray for their marriage. Make charitable donations to marriage Builders or your church or any orginization that helps marriages in trouble.

Stay out of their business.

Become a fully realized awake human being .... a woman who lives her life in beauty and grace.

Take care,

Pep

Thank you for such wise advice !

ITW, seeking to fulfill ones needs outside the marriage IS a self-serving act and in all the cases I have seen (including myself) it seems to bring out the absolute worst in us. Selfishness is such an ugly color on anyone.

Remember also that it was not so much YOU that hurt the OMW, but what HE was doing to her and their marriage.

I've often struggled myself with what I could actually DO to 'fix' what I did and the hurts I caused back then. All I have come up with is to live my life honestly and try to help others where I can. I can't change the past, but maybe I can change someone elses future.

Hey, folks, would it be wholly inappropriate to write OMW a letter -- saying just some of the same things she has said here? Might give her some closure.

The only problem is that in bringing her closure she might actually open up more wounds for the OMW. That's a tricky one.

No one has any power to end (or begin for that matter) a marriage. People marry (and divorce) for one reason only...they want to. Your job is to figure out who you are and what you want....by necessity that includes needing to figure out why you wandered. Regardless of the reasons (which are irrelvant as far as the need for the omw to know the truth), you did the right thing in telling the owh about your involvement. However, if you told her any lies, then IMO it would be appropriate and a moral requirement to make ammends (in this case by recanting any lies, and clarifying the truth, including any omissions), I think this would best be done in writing, and delivered without the owh knowledge or involment (she can share with him if she decides too).

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>