I am looking for some advice. This may not seem as serious as most of the posts on this sight, but to me it is devastating. I recently re-married my husband after being divorced 5 years. we have 2 children. and were married only three days ago. Just a brief picture of our past. We were married young and were not christians and our marriage was destroyed because of violence and alcohol. Several months ago, my husband accepted Christ and things have been good.
Today I came home and found that while I was at work, he was looking at poronagraphy on the computer. I have told him that I struggle with feelings about my body after having children and age. Really I am only 27 and people always tell me I am pretty, but I still have feelings that I am not the way I want to look for myself and him. He does tell me I am pretty and I know he really means it, but because of the feelings I have toward myself, I find this especially hurtful. Not to mention the fact that we are sopposed to be starting our lives new in Christ. AND the fact that we were only married 3 days ago. I feel so hurt and betrayed by him. To me, its just like I found out he was seeing another woman. He knows how I struggle with my body, and then to look at other women naked. I don't know how I am supposed to feel about this. To me, it is so disrespectful. I feel so angry, and the thought of having sex with him makes me cringe, like I want to offer myself up to a man who just lusted after other women, 3 days after we were married. I feel like all my trust and security is down the drain. Am I over-reacting or are these valid feelings?
I could really use some advice and encouragement.

AJ

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: summerspirit ]</small>

summerspirit...

check out this link... excellent resource...

www.everymansbattle.com

I hope it helps.... btw... you cannot control THIS or HIM... just your reaction... check out the 'wife' resources first... figure out yourself and what your 'boundary' is with this... THEN express it to your H when you are no longer IN the emotion...

Cali

Hi Summerspirit,

First of all, I think it's awesome that you have remarried your husband and that your husband has accepted Christ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

\

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 06:51 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

http://www.pureintimacy.org/online2/

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 06:52 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

I saw your post last night, and didn't want to respond quickly, nor be alarmist. The demise of my own marriage occurred because of my H's pornography addiction, which I admit I didn't handle well. It is an addiction -- or at least was, in his case. It eventually escalated into an affair. Don't be naive. There isn't much out there to help you. Our society is in an enormous aamount of denial about this. (I actually found the Laurie Hall "Affair of the Mind" to be one of most helpful books on the subject.)

Character Link has a pretty good filter, if your H recognizes this as a problem. My own H kept thinking the problem was my reaction, not his addiction. He broke through the first screen, and agreed to the second to chill me out.

Again, I don't want to be alarmist. You might try having a frank discussion with him about how deep the problem is (this could even be a one-time-only situation). Maybe you will need a third party if this all freaks you out too much.

I dont often post words of advice or comments to other people's posts but I guess I am today.

Looking at porn is not unhealthy...as long as it is not in an addictive manner.

My husband looks at porn, lots. People live fantasies through porn or get "ideas" form porn on how to incorporate it into their own bedroom with their spouse.

It doesn't mean that your H does not think of you as beautiful and sexy because he looks at other women who are.

I think if this was something he was doing all the time and it was taking time away from you, then it would be a problem.

Really, fantasy is not wrong, if we are open with ourselves, we all have done that at one time or another.

I heard a sex therapist on tv the other day who was talkin about porn and masturbation. SHe said you HAVE to have fantasy to masturbate, cannot do it without. So if you have masturbated (over 80% of people do) you have fantasized...thats all looking at porn is.

Try not to get down on yourself and how you look...Im sure you are beautiful and I am sure your new H thinks so too. In my opinnion, this is no big deal.

Having an A, (like I did) THAT'S a problem, thats a big deal.

S.

LoveMyEx - For once I am speachless (well, almost). Your Holy Spirit-led response deeply touched me. Keep flowing with Jesus the way you are - His hand is on you in a mighty way. God bless!

John 16:33.

What are the rules or boundaries set up in your M when you remarried? Was porn discussed or an issue before? If not, then this could be one of those assumptions each person has. He may think there is nothing wrong with it and you do.

I would suggest sitting down with the POJA in mind and work out this problem and brainstorm solutions.

Neither of you are in the wrong here. You have a right to your feelings, and he has a right to his actions...unless they hurt the other person. Now that an action has been recognized as being hurtful, it's what happens afterwards that matters. I'll bet he didn't do this to hurt you. And your body issues have made this a much more hurtful action than he would have thought. From reading on here though, men with beautiful wives (as I'm sure you are) even enjoy looking at porn, and it has little to do with what they have at home.

Not a Pro on this but one way to find out if he is addicted (It is addictive) would be to use your parental block on your computer. I know that this may sound foolish but if he hounds you for the password or brings home porn mags it may be something you need to talk about and find out what his fasination is with it. There is alot of sick s*** out there. I'm not an expert and don't mean to alarm you but I have dealt in several cases of this and this may be a problem if not confronted and corrected. It may also be boredom in his workday or curiosity, (NOT YOU). That being said look at the type of porn and if its an addiction or not. This may reveal some problems of his past or childhood.

May God Bless You and keep your faith!!!

Ouch! Three days after the re-marriage? All I can say is that it does sound like there could be a problem there. I know I have suffered from this type of temptation- mostly through curiosity, but like someone said, it IS an addiction- a way of escaping.

Summerspirit,
I too was quite upset by my H's desire to look at pornography. We've been married 17 years and ever since we got our computer many years ago, he would look at internet porn and videos every so often. (No magazines...he liked the "act" not really caring about the girl involved) I, like you, felt very threatened by the thought of my H looking at other women. It felt like he was cheating on me. I felt he desired them, compared them to me, and it really made me feel less beautiful/desireable. After all, he was the only one that mattered to me and yet here he was looking at other women...naked no less and doing sexual acts that certainly were geared toward satisfying men.
Well, for all those years, whenever it came up (not too frequently, but a couple of times a year at least) I would tell him how badly it made me feel, etc. He would beg me to look at it with him, saying it would be fun. I refused because it gave me a sick feeling. (I honestly feel sorry for whatever happened that made those girls choose that vocation...surely nothing good!) I would get angry, he would get sorry, then 6 months later he would try again.
Fast forward to last March, after finding out about his 2 month affair. (We had other issues) We both recommitted to our marriage immediately. But, again, the pornography issue came up. I, being totally frantic about the state of our marriage, was willing to try anything at this point. So, I said what the heck, I'll watch it with you. Well, I cracked up laughing. Didn't have any idea it would be so ridiculous to watch with all of the silly moaning and groaning. They play the same shortsound track over and over. Not too long and he was laughing too. Said he'd never noticed this before. We started picking the shows apart. Yes, I was still disgusted...would even mention to him, "She's such a pretty girl. I wonder if she was abused or something to cause her to do this for a living?" I'd ask him what he thought. Asked him if he could imagine his daughter doing this for other men to watch. Then, the crowning touch, I went to a sex store with him (at his request, because it was a "nice" one--HA!) He wanted to get a video I would like...something romantic (there are none, trust me) Poor baby, he was really trying to find something for me to enjoy with him. Well, I shocked him and asked for some really raunchy ones. Said I wanted to see what it was all about. I also went around looking at all of the toys and HAD to crack up! They were hilarious!! Again he joined in with the laughing.
The man couldn't get out of the store fast enough. Did NOT like my video choices and started to think this was not so fun any more. Later we were in our marriage class. The topic came up because one of the couples had a spouse with porn addiction (severe!!). My husband proceded to tell the wife what I had done that had "cured" his desire for porn. He said it worked, BIG TIME! It has been 9 months + and he has never asked any more, nor has he even gotten on the computer. Said he lost all taste for it.
I will tell you though, that watching the few movies I watched, did teach me a few tricks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Sometimes when we're in a silly mood, I start pretending (Greatly exaggerated!) like those girls. He laughs until he's in tears.

Boy, did it turn around!!

Just a thought you might try at some time if kindly asking doesn't do it. My H was originally convinced I would like it if I would just try watching it. Now he sees what I saw all of those years.

Much luck to you!!
Faith