My husband and I need some advice on how to cope with infidelity. I came clean today about 2 past digressions that I had last year. This all came to light after he learned of a more recent friendship I had with another man. It was conversations through e-mail, and he suspected more. While it wasn't, he may be right in stating that it could/would have been more as I have shown a history of falling for stuff like that. Recently he began talking of having me take a lie detector test as that's the only way he could be sure I was telling him the whole truth about the situation. As that was pending, I decided to come clean about 2 other incidents where I cheated on him in the past two years. While they weren't "full" affairs (I never slept with them, it still was cheating, and I know that. While I was scared to hurt him and how he'd react, I must admit it did lift a very heavy weight off my shoulders. Our relationship has been very rocky the past few years anyway, so this has really wrecked havoc in our lives. It'll be 4 years next month that we've been married (this is my third, his first), and the relationship has been rough due to my lying to him and cheating at the beginning of the relationship, before we were married. That was with a co-worker I had been seeing for a year. Anyway, he had found out about that but still wanted to pursue a relationship with me because he loved me and cared for me. I broke ties with the other guy (got another job) and did what I could to help regain some of the trust that was lost. Of course, it was never fully regained, nor did I expect that it would be. Aside from those issues, we've had plenty of others to deal with. While I knew I loved him, I sometimes wasn't sure that we were right for each other. But I loved him and wanted to make things work. Until the day his friend came on to me while we were having problems. He came across as being more my friend than my husband's and did all of the sweet talking a person in my situation could want. Of course, I look back at it now and realize how stupid I was. My problem was, and has always been, that I have a hard time saying no. It's like I don't want to hurt people's feelings, which is totally ridiculous I realize because I end up hurting the person I love. Around the same time, I had started up conversation with a rep I have to deal with at my job. Just friendly at first, but then I found myself telling him more and more personal stuff, and then telling him how miserable I was in my marriage. Then we met for coffee (of course, I lied to my husband about going shopping). While I was not physically attracted to him in the least, I allowed him to kiss me (again, my problem for saying no). After that, I vowed to myself that that was not going to happen anymore. And I've kept any conversations between he and I (for work) just business. (As a side note, he works in an office out of state.)
And until recently, when I began corresponding again with someone via e-mail (telling myself we're just friends), I was true to my promise to myself. Why I began getting into more personal detail again I don't know. I feel miserable most of the time, but I don't know why and I don't know how to fix it. By all accounts, I should be very happy....I have a wonderful husband who loves me and is faithful to me, I have 3 beautiful smart children, a great job and we just recently bought a beautiful new house. So why aren't I happy? And why do I keep sabotaging my marriage?? I, and my husband, need some advice on how to cope with this, how I can prevent this from happening again, and basically, how to repair the damage done to the marriage and rekindle what we used to have.
Any advice and/or help would be greatly appreciate. Please reply to our e-mail as well.

Your unhappiness could come from inside yourself. Are you in any form of IC(individual counseling)?

I would agree with TMCM's suggestion to get individual counseling.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I, and my husband, need some advice on how to cope with this, how I can prevent this from happening again, and basically,</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The way you prevent it from happening is to STOP doing it. This is a chosen behavior and you have to stop choosing it.

There are many good books out there... coupled w/ IC...

Lerner's books... "Dance of Intimacy," "Dance of Anger," etc.

Cloud and Townsend's books... "Hiding from Love," "Safe People," "Changes That Heal," "Boundaries," etc.

You ended your post w/ </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please reply to our e-mail as well. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since you have issues w/ email acquaintances... you might do well to NOT correspond w/ men.

Shirley Glass describes boundaries as walls, windows and gates... you have to figure out why you have the boundaries you have... why some get walls... some get windows... and some get gates. Her book "Not Just Friends" might be helpful as well.

Cali

Hello,

This is just a thought but maybe if you are unsure of your actions in the future ask yourself the following question: How would I feel if my husband was doing to me what I am doing to him?
You are on your third marriage. Ask yourself if you wish to be working on your fourth marriage. I would suggest that you take a class in assertiveness training to learn how to say no to people. Otherwise you will continue to hurt the people who truly love you the most. I wish you luck.

I am the husband of the woman who posted above. We made the post together last night. My wife has acknowledged that she needs to get the individual counseling and will be contacting a counseler shortly. We are both reading the posts so I am really not concerned with men replying. It would be helpfull to me to hear how to cope with this as a couple from both men and women. Any books or personal experiences you could help us with would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.