the latest update on my story can be found under "WS left to visit OM"

but basically, WS has had an Internet A since Sep'03 Moved out Dec'03 after several confrontations, promises to work on the M, etc.

The bottom line is I think I am ready to move on to Plan B, but there is a problem. We have an 18 months old daughter, who has been spending days w/mommy while I am at work (daughter is w/me). So, if I go to Plan B, that means no contact at all. I am having a hard time finding a person who will be willing to commit two trips a day on a daily basis to drop our daughter off at mommy's in the morning and pick her up in the evening. Can I still do that myself? Say, we will not say a word to each other, I'll just bring her over and leave and then pick her up and leave...

I could put our daughter in daycare, but would prefer that 1) she spends time w/mommy and 2) it's free...

I did Plan A for about 3.5 weeks and do not think it was a good Plan A. It was going excellent in the beginning and she was showing all the signs of "coming back to me" until I exposed the A by sending out an email to all of our friends and family. After that she told me "you just F**KED everything up. I'm through w/you........." She's been delivering that message to me every time we talked in nice and not nice ways, telling me about her new boyfriends, etc. Basically, I was happy one minute and being an angel meeting all of her needs and angry the next minute. I could not control my feelings when she talked to me about all that. So, I am still playing w/the idea of trying to go on w/Plan A, but not sure if I can control myself anymore, plus I don't think I have any feelings left for her or our relationship. It's more a goal to make it work, a feeling of failure that men cannot accept. Feel like I have to fix just to fix it...

Appreciate everybody's feedback. Please, let me know if you think I should try staying in Plan A or if my idea of Modified Plan B is realistic.

<small>[ January 20, 2004, 03:47 AM: Message edited by: assap6 ]</small>

Hi assap,

Well I can comment from my own experiences only.First,I don't believe in a "modified" Plan B.Each time WH and I e-mailed or saw eachother or he called and I picked up the phone set me back terribly.I cried and felt really bad.I now have an intermediary,my SIL, to handle anything financial or any childrens issues instead of us relating via e-mail which feels much better.I dreaded knowing there was an e-mail from WH and it almost always was not just about finances or child issues which is why I had to put a stop to them.

Plan B must be absolutely NC.I didn't have the longest Plan A done but like you mentioned,I was at risk for losing my love for my WH,really badly,so I HAD to to go Plan B sooner than most I think.Also like you I wanted so much to "fix" what was wrong and it backfired.My WH got scared I think and retreated because at first he did want to work on our marriage and then he changed his mind,so to speak.

I don't know how you could figure out the custody problem.That is a tough one if you don't have anyone to help with the child "exchange" but like I mentioned,even just *seeing my WH helped to depress me when I was in my Plan B.So I'm sorry I don't have an answer on that aspect but if you fear that you are losing any love you have left for your WW then my feeling is that you should go to Plan B and write a very loving Plan B letter as Dr.Harley suggests.

Lastly,of course your WW would be mad that you outed the A and she blames you.Well,truth be told she's the one that had the A so that's her "cross to bear".It's not your fault that you told,it helped to expose it to the light of day and not make it so special in the eyes of the REAL world.

O

No there is no such thing as a modified Plan B. An essential part of Plan B is the NC(no contact) with the WS. I would suggest that you either contact the Harley's at the Marriage Builders Counseling Service. or Penny Tupy (our resident MB coach that goes by the handle of cerri and resides over at the 'just found out' forum) at Save Your Marriage Central to help you formulate a strategie to save your marriage.

assap6, I've been in Plan B for a few months now, in a difficult situation that has lots of lawyers, therapists, and other "professionals" watching everything we do. It is, to put it mildly, difficult. My daughter just turned 1, and we have shared custody with dailyl transitions just like yours.

I would say that there are two important considerations here. The first is that you need to have enough protection for you to heal and go forward with life. And like Octobergirl said, every contact you have with your WW will set you back.

The second is that it's important that you be very aware that Plan B is NEVER perfect. The goal here is to get as close as you possibly can, and to push the limits of what you think you can do.

I still do the daily transitions myself most of the time. I had to make it very clear that I would not interact with my WP during those transitions, and yet had to find a way to make them "warm." It's an extremely difficult balance to achieve, and one that I can do with only limited success and in only limited circumstances.

I think the important thing is to look at what you can do easily right now, and what you will probably be able to do if you work at it, what looks like it's goign to be hard to do, and what looks absolutely impossible. Work through the list in that order and see how much you can actually do, and you'll be in good shape.

All while absolutely ending all LBs. Heh. NOT an easy assignment by any matter of means. But it can be done.