Hello to everyone. I wrote a Plan B letter and would like as much feedback as possible.

here it goes

************************************************
My Dear Wife Tia

I apologize for my part in creating conditions which have allowed you to drift away from me, the failure to be there for you unconditionally, to be your best friend, always loving and supporting, causing you to look for one elsewhere.

The day you left me was the biggest day of my life. A lot of men call it “the day I woke up to reality but it was too late”. Well, it’s never TOO late. Better late then never. That day has helped me realize all the mistakes I have made in our relationship. Just like you, I do not want our marriage back, instead I want a new healthy and happy relationship with you and am willing to do whatever it takes to build one.

However, I have been in so much pain these last five weeks that I can no longer see you or talk to you. Every time I see you or talk to you, memories flood me and then the realization that it’s all gone and that they are just memories. Remember the first time we danced under the stars at the Point? You screaming on the “falling elevator” in DisneyWorld? Numerous camping trips and you betting Dima that you can chop up that humongous log (and you did too)?

I ask that you respect my decision to not see you or speak to you. If there is anything you need, please contact ___________________. I’ve arranged for them to relay all of your messages to me. I will still drop Yana off in the morning and pick her up at night after work, but please allow me my space during those times.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate yourself from possibly endangering relationships you’ve developed and to commit to building a new relationship with me, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to create a relationship that will fulfill both of our needs and will last a lifetime. I see that relationship as one in which two people love each other unconditionally, support each other in everything life brings upon them, and do not do anything that my hurt their partner. Then, there will never be a reason for us to separate again.

I loved you when I married you and made a commitment to be your friend and life partner, and I still love you. I just cannot be with you right now.

With all my love,

Your husband Sergey

************************************************

I think the A that caused the separation is over, however she is in London now (that's where OM is and we are in AK, USA) and has made arrangements to meet him. It was an EA over the Internet with some webcam stuff present... She has also developed a relationship w/someone else in London, even ran a "romantic compatibility report" on astrology.com, which showed that her and this new OM are perfect for each other. She has made plans to visit him also. So, I am not sure if I have to wait until I know for sure whether or not As are over and if I even "qualify" for Plan B...

Thanks a lot.

<small>[ January 21, 2004, 01:33 AM: Message edited by: assap6 ]</small>

Okay... I'll take a crack at the letter.

I apologize for my part in creating conditions which have allowed you to drift away from me, the failure to be there for you unconditionally, to be your best friend, always loving and supporting, causing you to look for one elsewhere.

Let's start with this something positive. And no, we are not going to be doing unconditional love here! Let's make it something like:

"I love you more than I can say. I married you for the rest of my life. I want to be there for you, to be your best friend. I want to support you in all the ways that I can."

The day you left me was the biggest day of my life. A lot of men call it “the day I woke up to reality but it was too late”. Well, it’s never TOO late. Better late then never. That day has helped me realize all the mistakes I have made in our relationship. Just like you, I do not want our marriage back, instead I want a new healthy and happy relationship with you and am willing to do whatever it takes to build one.

Let's make this shorter. "The day you left was the biggest wake-up call of my life. It helped me undersatnd the mistakes I've made in our relationship, mistakes that I want to correct. I want a healthy and happy marriage, and I'm willing to do what it takes to build one."

However, I have been in so much pain these last five weeks that I can no longer see you or talk to you. Every time I see you or talk to you, memories flood me and then the realization that it’s all gone and that they are just memories. Remember the first time we danced under the stars at the Point? You screaming on the “falling elevator” in DisneyWorld? Numerous camping trips and you betting Dima that you can chop up that humongous log (and you did too)?

(It's only been five weeks? Boyo, you need to get yourself straight and do this for a few more weeks. Six months is normal for guys, though it sometimes changes.)

Let's change the order, here:

"I have so many good memories of our time together. The first time we danced under the stars at the Point. You screaming on the "falling elevator" in DisneyWorld. All our camping trips. You betting Dima that you could chop up that humongous log, and then you did!"

"Every time I see you or talk to you, those memories flood me and when I compare them to today, I am in terrible pain. This pain hurts me so much that I must end all contact between us while your affairs with [OM1] and [OM2] continue."

Okay, this next part is good, and all I've done is make the last part more specific.

"I ask that you respect my decision to not see you or speak to you. If there is anything you need, please contact ___________________. I’ve arranged for them to relay critical information to me. I will still drop Yana off in the morning and pick her up at night after work, but please understand that I will not be able to talk to you then."

IMMIGRATION STUFF???

What do you need to say about immigration?

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate yourself from possibly endangering relationships you’ve developed and to commit to building a new relationship with me, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

Err, no. Let's make this non-judgmental.

"As soon as you have ended your relationships with [OM1] and [OM2], I would love to talk about our future together."

I want us to be able to create a relationship that will fulfill both of our needs and will last a lifetime. I see that relationship as one in which two people love each other unconditionally, support each other in everything life brings upon them, and do not do anything that my hurt their partner. Then, there will never be a reason for us to separate again.

NO UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, silly man. Sheesh. And you've said most of this already.

"I want our marriage to last a lifetime, and I'll do what I need to do to make the changes I need to make permanently and completely."

I loved you when I married you and made a commitment to be your friend and life partner, and I still love you. I just cannot be with you right now.

Keep this.

With all my love,

Your husband Sergey

Keep this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just J:

thanks a lot for your post. I'll implement the edits into my letter. "Immigration Stuff" - long story. I have some issues w/immigration and need to discuss it w/WS.

I know I know it's only been 5 weeks for Plan A for me, but she's had the A since Sep'03. So, i've been in pain for about 4.5 months now, but we officially separated mid-December. I just can't take her actions/behavior anymore. Hurts too much. I've given up my life for her when we moved-in together and now she does not want me... whatever, let's not go there...

and then there is a problem w/As. I am not sure if her A (the one from Sep'03) is still going on. Ever since I exposed it to everyone, the OM told her (over the Internet) that he did not want a part of it (breaking up the family and all). But then again, they made plans to meet up in London. (we are in AK, USA. It was an Internet A w/some webcam stuff). That A is not even a problem. Ever since she moved out, she's been developing new relationships w/guys. She looked up one more guy in London (before going there) and has been talking to him quite a bit. It looked like an A to me (sweet words, promises, love talk), she even ran a romantic compatibility report on the two of them. I know she was not doing it to make me notice and to hurt me as she has no idea I am still monitoring her Internet activities even though she completely moved and took the computer. Plus, she tells me about all the guys at work (she got a job at a bar after moving out) hitting on her and her going out w/them and them fighting over her and her supervisor telling her that he does not like what's going on between guys because of her. She basically gives me just enough info to make me wonder how far she allows them to get w/her. When she was leaving for London, I offered to take her to the airport and she said ok, but then called back from work and said that the DJ (he is one of the major "hitters" on her) was taking her so I did not need to worry about it. As you can see, the original A is not really a problem, it's her behavior and the relationships she is developing... That's why I was not specific in my letter and said "possibly endangering relationships". There should be a way to get more specific with this in the letter. I just could not put it on paper.

I took the first sentence of the letter out of SAA and the one where you say "make this non-judgemental". I did not like it either for the same reason (too judgemental), but I figured if that's what Dr. Harley says.

Thanks a million Just J. I've read your comments under my "modified Plan B" too. Does dropping kids off and picking them up on a daily basis set you back? Do you personally think it's ok to do this?


P.S. just noticed that my letter shows up twice in the post. will fix it in a second.

<small>[ January 21, 2004, 01:36 AM: Message edited by: assap6 ]</small>

Assap6, if you can't take it anymore, then Plan B is right for you. I'm a little concerned at how fast things are moving in that direction, though -- I think it is important for you to get a firm grip on your emotions and focus on getting into a state where things aren't hurting you so much.

I suspect that you also still need to do a lot of work on yourself regarding calm, courteous, and respectful communications.

That can happen in plan B; you just have to practice with other people.

Dr. Harley wrote those letters awhile ago, and all in all, I'd say that people have improved upon them since then. Please post your letter again when you're done revising it; I suspect it could stand another look (hopefully a couple of other folks will chime in) before you give it to her.

The daily transitions of my daughter set me back for a while, and there are still times when I foolishly enter into a conversation with my WP, and those certainly set me back. There is little that I can do about it at this point without putting my relationship with my daughter at significant risk, though, and I've chosen not to take that risk. If that means that our marriage doesn't survive, I understand that and have chosen my relationship with my daughter over my relationship with my partner. Not a decision anyone should have to make, but I would make it again in a heartbeat.