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<small>[ January 22, 2004, 07:56 PM: Message edited by: priorities ]</small>
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with wife out of the house...and no children...and her being somewhat receptive and fencesitting...
1. how long have you really been doing plan a?
maybe it's time to kick it up a notch...and really start meeting needs...
educating a WS is difficult and can easily back fire on you just being controling and not listening to her...
but be receptive and assistive when she requests...tools for reconcilliation....
Is she letting meet some of her needs...can you fill some more...and are you sure you are filling her needs and not just what you perceive are her needs...
you don't want to smother her either...
so tread lightly..
have you read divorce busting and 180 tips....
there may be some things in there you can do...
ark
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<small>[ January 22, 2004, 07:58 PM: Message edited by: priorities ]</small>
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Kick up the plan A a notch... really show her a no pressure good side of you... be as attractive to he as you can...not necessarily physically...but emotionally, and fun .... plan a expanation more plan a read these and see where you are in them... ark
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I agree .... Plan A with gusto.
Buy theater tickets .... expensive ones .... and send her a written invitation that gives her a few weeks notice ..... tell her you got tickets to the theater (or some BIG concert) and you'd like to treat her to an evening out.
Dinner, a show .... and, if possible, arrange a decadent hotel room with a spa .... and just make her feel like a princess with her prince. Can you afford a limo?
Go all out and first class.
Next "date" make it a picnic .... a really luxurious picnic. Real linens, glassware and candles. Delicious food you can hand feed her.
Knock her socks off .... be the man she cannot wait to see....
Pep
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damm Pep... I'd go out with you...if you did that.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ark <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <small>[ January 20, 2004, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>
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<small>[ January 22, 2004, 07:59 PM: Message edited by: priorities ]</small>
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^: <strong> damm Pep... I'd go out with you...if you did that.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ark <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Mr. Pepper did the most extrordinary "date" for our 20th anniversary (3 years ago, and it still gives me goosebumps) He: rented my dream car for the weekend (Lexus sports car) arranged a babysitter reserved a room at a famous resort in San Diego arranged for flowers to be in the room ~~~~~~ well, the "points" he racked up with that effort are still paying him with residual nookie curency <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> Pep
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flowers in the room... way coool... persistant..pick up favorite dessert and drop it off on her doorstop.. bring her a cup of coffee at the end of her work day...or in the middle for a little break.. be pleasant...brief....and charming.... plan something she would really really like and go even if she says no.... when she says things like she misses us...tell her you don't miss us...because you aren't real happy about how you acted when you were "us"...(you did mention she tried to get your attention) talk about your new vision of marriage... what YOU are learning... waht YOU are gaining... show her the husband you envision... replace an old CD that's worn out...with something in your history...(come on who couldn't use a new jimmy buffett or TUSK CD... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> out shine the OM...capitalize on your history not in a stalking way..but a positve way... ark <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <small>[ January 20, 2004, 03:30 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>
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_________________________________________________
quote:
I agree .... Plan A with gusto.
Buy theater tickets .... expensive ones .... and send her a written invitation that gives her a few weeks notice ..... tell her you got tickets to the theater (or some BIG concert) and you'd like to treat her to an evening out.
Dinner, a show .... and, if possible, arrange a decadent hotel room with a spa .... and just make her feel like a princess with her prince. Can you afford a limo?
Go all out and first class.
Next "date" make it a picnic .... a really luxurious picnic. Real linens, glassware and candles. Delicious food you can hand feed her.
Knock her socks off .... be the man she cannot
wait to see....
_________________________________________________
quote:
flowers in the room...
way coool...
persistant..pick up favorite dessert and drop it off on her doorstop..
bring her a cup of coffee at the end of her work day...or in the middle for a little break..
be pleasant...brief....and charming....
plan something she would really really like and go even if she says no....
when she says things like she misses us...tell her you don't miss us...because you aren't real happy about how you acted when you were "us"...(you did mention she tried to get your attention)
talk about your new vision of marriage...
what YOU are learning...
waht YOU are gaining...
show her the husband you envision...
_________________________________________________
I just want to let you know that before you go and try any of the things those quotes mentioned, that IT WILL NOT WORK.
When a lover or spouse is being distant or has another lover or wants or thinks they might want out of a relationship then PURSUING and CHASING DOES NOT WORK to get them back.
I can tell you with great assurance that it only will put you back further in your efforts to win her back at this point. Please stop chasing and pursuing because it will end up pushing her away more that bring her closer to you....
How do I know that?
_________________________________________________
quote:
I would Love to do all of the above but she is currently running the relationship. I don't know her schedule and she is always busy or not sure of schedule. I told her that I have a great evening Date planned and she wanted to know where. I don't think that she wants me at her place, (fear of O/M) finding out/stopping by and she doesn't know about coming here. I would Love to take her away for a couple of days but she says that she doesn't think that it would be a good idea.
________________________________________________
That is how I know(along with the thousands of other people I have seen on this site who have tried the same things unsuccessfully)... you have already TRIED to pursue and it is not working. Stop doing what doesn't work. Let her come to you. You are in a panic and are grasping at anything to win her back. This will be unattractive to her...
Wanna know what works?
Act happy just the way things are in your life and that you will be perfectly happy without her
Be confident
No pressure or pursuit of any kind
Keep all contact brief, and hang up first.(yet, always be nice)
The less you talk about your thoughts and feelings to her right now the better.
If you can consistently do those things and put not one ounce of pressure on her.... then you will start to notice HER PURSUING YOU....
Try it and see.....
Good luck...
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We live 1.5 hours apart. sent flowers,cards,letters "to little to late". Stopped by apartment before, O/M car in driveway. Thought it would be best to avoid that scene although the thought has crossed my mind. M/C even recommended that I Move to be near her. I told W/W that I would do that along time ago. Told M/C that I'm trying to remain calm but I know that I would run into W/W w/ O/M and did not want to be served divorce papers in Jail for Battery to O/M.([censored]). My training and education is in a field that I can't get a good job in the area when I sell/transfer my business. Not to proud to get job to pay min. bills but can't hang around forever. I gave W/W all of savings and I'm not a pup anymore. Told Wife that I would go back to school to get different career so that we could spend more time together but she didn't seem to care.
Sorry I'll shut up these are all material things hate to think of kids involved,that would be so difficult. I'm still trying to work on plan A but it is nice to have people to talk to.
WOULD IT BE SILLY OF ME TO GIVE THIS SITE TO W/W.
I WOULD LIKE HER TO SEE THAT WE CAN WORK THINGS OUT. BUT I MUST ADMITT THE ADDICTION THAT ALOT OF THE W/W/ ON THIS SIGHT EXPRESS AND THE FEELINGS OF A LOST LOVED ONE WHEN THEY DO WRITE AND COMPLY WITH A N/C LETTER SCARE THE BAJESUS OUT OF ME. THINK MY WIFE MAY NOT TRY TO COMPLY WITH OR FOLLOW THROUGH WHEN ASKED.
DO I GIVE HER THIS SITE??????????????
<small>[ January 21, 2004, 07:07 AM: Message edited by: priorities ]</small>
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pri:
I don't know if the fancy dates idea would work or not. My guess is that it might. More importantly, if you don't get your expectations up and it doesn't work out, you won't be devastated by it, and so it will have worked after all.
Is the OM married? If he is, notify his W about the A. Notify your inlaws, his inlaws, their coworkers (if they work 2gether). She will be tweaked, but giving them both a dose of reality by exposing the A might help them 2 end it.
-ol' 2long
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pri:
Don't give her the web address unless she asks for it.
I offered 2 do this for my FWW after d-day 2 years ago, and she still hasn't come here. It falls under the category of "educating the WS." If she isn't receptive 2 your efforts 2 "help her out of the fog", and she won't be, she'll resent you more than she does now.
Don't try 2 make sense of it. You can't fathom the unfathomable. Do everything you can 2 learn how 2 do a good plan A. Because you have no kids, plan B would be riskier than if you do have them, but you're not ready for it anyway.
Keep posting!
best,
-ol' 2long
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<small>[ January 22, 2004, 08:01 PM: Message edited by: priorities ]</small>
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I agree with keepmv4, fancy pursuit is a big turnoff, and phoney to boot. It would be obviously only about trying to manipulate her back, so of course she will be annoyed/angry, as one should be by such antics. However, what if it works....then all you got is someone who is attracted to having money and attention lavished on them....in other words you have lassooed a TAKER, whoooeee.
I am not sure what you want priorities, only been a few weeks and allready you are talking about looking for other women, or beating up the om...frankly you sound a little too focused on what YOU want, and YOUR feelings, perhaps that is why she left in the first place....she isn't your property....and she does not exist for your benefit. The MB stuff is pretty clear and easy to understand. Follow the concepts, work on YOURSELF, do not pursue in a needy/clingy fashion, and she will come back or not....in the meantime you will become a better person, and worthy of her return, or a future with someone else.
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<small>[ January 22, 2004, 08:02 PM: Message edited by: priorities ]</small>
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When a lover or spouse is being distant or has another lover or wants or thinks they might want out of a relationship then PURSUING and CHASING DOES NOT WORK to get them back.
let me just clarify that when i suggest to use Plan A...no where do I suggest chasing and pursuing....those are not elements of plan A at all...and are never part of my advice....
couple things that are off on this situation...
the two of them being seperated does not bode the best situation...including the great travel distance...out of sight out of mind...
also to do plan B one, according to marriage building principles must first do a good plan A....
since just of a few days ago she verbalized thoughts of reconciling is why I recomended a strong short term plan A...while she is verbalizing some waffling...then moving to a strong plan b....
it helps focus and get priority in control...
on his own actions...
if he drops off her radar screen now without an official plan b letter..then it will just waste more time...
plan a on the fringes meeting needs she will let him...
bringing coffee and then leaving immediately wihtout much intercation or dropping of a something (non traditionally romantic) is not pursueing...it is keeping oneself in the game...
people really want to bend the principles of marraige builders foundation a lot...picking only parts and pieces of it...
it may be better to pick a plan...
understand the plan...
and execute the plan.....
i posted two links because I don't think people really understand the concepts...
heck I don't always understand the concepts either....
Plan a is not about chasing...
what I did say about the big date is that PEP could take ME!!!
nothing to do with priorities and ms. priorities...
ark
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I have a good understanding of plan A. I guess that I need to focus on us not thinking what I think she wants to hear or feel from me, just STAY THE COURSE. I just feel that there are so many variables that would take so long to explain. I just hope and pray I/We may be able to post on MB with a Success story and help others. We are supposed to meet so that I can give her some more of her items. I feel that she is somehow testing me and that if I could only say or do the right thing that she would open up more. She is a great person that I did take for granted. She says that she knows that she will never have as much love or respect for anyone else but is still willing to move on alone if need be OUCH!!!. Said earlier when we were trying to figure things out after I found out/she admitted to P/A that she thinks she wants to travel take care of herself and stay in a relationship until passion was gone then move on. She is wishy-washy on so much. Maybee I think way to much but this consumes my every waking moment. Thank you for all of your replies,input and sharing your experiences. Not sure of your positions but respect the replies. It saddens me to see so many B/S bash W/S, the pain sucks but we do Love them so.
Thanks again for the input and grounding so many unrational feelings of the Taker.
PRIORITIES, (WISH I HAD THEM IN ORDER BEFORE).
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pri:
"Would I be the worlds largest a** if I find someone to be with."
No, but there would only be a handful of a**es, worldwide, bigger than you if you did that.
If you want 2 rebuild your M, you need 2 focus on bettering yourself, not filling perceived voids in your ENs. You need 2 find your strengths. You need 2 understand the difference between loneliness and soli2de.
In some cases, confronting the OM can be productive, but they're rare. In your case, it would be a VERY bad idea. It is not worth going 2 prison for assaulting him. He is lower than pond scum on the evolutionary tree.
I would expose the A 2 their coworkers. If your W ever gets 2 the point where she's interested in reconciling with you, she will need 2 quit her job or the OM will need 2 quit so that they never see each other again. She's not ready 2 make that choice yet, though, and it MUST be her decision, not yours.
You need 2 do a lot of research. Start on the home page - read the articles about infidelity. Get yourself a good counselor. Read the books. You need a plan. You're wasting valuable time and energy mulling over what 2 "do" with or 2 the OM.
-ol' 2long
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