I have recently found out about my husbands second affair (in six months). He made all the right promises and said all the right things in front of the counselor then as soon as the counseling was done he had an affair 2 1/2 months later. He is getting seperate counselin ghelp for issues that happened long before our marriage. My problem is this, I have been told and have read to be honest and when I describe my fears or feelings to him he says I am making him feel down and that he is not doing all he can. I have recently been told by my counselor that I should not discuss my feelings and fears of his not succeeding because it will hinder his progress. I don't know what to do. If I can't be open and honest about my feelings with him then where is the honesty policy? I was told to journal instead of voicing my fears to him. Does anyone have an opinion about this. Is it wise? Is it helpful. Sounds like I am letting him get away with alot while I have to internaize my hurt and fears.

Hi,

Well journaling is good for U. Let your H know that if he just can't handle the truth of how you feel, then you will do the journaling and he can read the 'novel' later....maybe after it has gone to print. Yep just like that.

See it is better not to pull in the opposite direction, you can still get to your destination but in a different route. Agree, then disagree. Is that cruel? No that is a method of dealing with a immature mind.

Journaling will help you relieve stress. I did and I posted here like there was no tomorrow. Journal for you not him.

Whatever babbling he gives you if it doesn't make sense don't fight it just give him that puzzled look and walk away. Enough of those and he will be asking you questions. Well at least mine did. He was too used to me questioning him. When I stopped, he started wondering. Even the OW got scared. LOL!!! That gave me the strength I needed to move forward.

Hope this helps. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

I have struggled with the same problem of trying to balance being completly open and honest with my feelings, but in the same breath trying to ensure that I'm not providing additional LB's. It has been very difficult, and with the additional baggage of the hurt and pain being suffered by the BS and the need to know, you can't help doing LB's. Having discovered the A about 5 months ago, the first 3 months were a rollercoaster, but everytime I would express my true feelings, disappointement concern etc. and ask questions to help quell the pain, it would almost always turn into a lovebuster for my spouse. I decided that it was stopping us from moving forward, so now even though I still have the same feelings concerns and thoughts, I don't express them directly to my spouse. She knows when I'm drifting what I'm thinking about in general terms and has come to accept that as part of the healing process. She has at times approached me to delve deeper if I've been a funk for a while, at which point she is receptive to talking, listening and trying to help with my issues. The best thing I can say is that you may want to journal for yourself, but writing it out will not make it go away. You will need to focus on what you are feeling and how it affects your future. The past and the WS actions have made you feel this way, and while you are within your rights to be concerned about it, the only way to enlist your WS in assisting you through this time is to express to them how your concerns affect you moving forward and your future together. If they see you are not focusing on the past, but looking at the obstacles that affect the future they are more likely to be open and honest with you as well. They see you are trying to move forward and want to assure you that they want to get past this as well. The best advice I can have for you is let them approach you when they find it within themselves their own need to know what is going on, and then be open and honest about what you are thinking but ensure you relate it to how if affects the future, and not the disgust you feel about the past and what they have done to you. It's working for me/us, but it is hard as sometimes you feel very alone until your spouse feels confident enough that it is the future that is the focus, not the past. Best of luck.

It's not fair that you have to internalize your sadness and fears, but it's not fair to inflict it on him either if he doesn't want to hear it. What is the balance? Time to POJA just how much talking is enough or too much, then journal the rest. It's not an all or nothing proposition.

Guys, I struggled with this "balance" too, but it felt wrong to deny myself for my H's sake (or at least that was how I saw it). Then our MC recommended Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch. There've been many references to this book by many others on this board. Revealing my feelings, my thoughts, my needs, my fears was not about trying to cause him pain or about ultimatums or threats, it was about being vulnerable and honest, it was about being true to and about my self. Schnarch deals with this beautifully and with such clarity and conviction. I can't recommend it strongly enough...

As to the journalling. Yes, I do it alot. It does help, it's cathartic. But it isn't and shouldn't ever be a substitute for honest, open communication.

<small>[ January 21, 2004, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: Never Alone ]</small>