If I am in a marriage where there has been domestic violence more than once. Will a marriage counseling help?

Stayinluv,

I sure don't know the answer to your qeustion, but your frowny face and single word subject made me want to bump this back up to the top pretty quickly.

I've fortunately not been in a relationship that included domestic violence, but I would *think* that counseling might help if both parties go, but not if only one goes (especially if the only one going is the victim).

Hopefully some other folks with more experience in this area will see your question and reply.

Hi Turtlehead,

Thank you for replying. I, as the victim, feels marriage counseling is hopeless. It is my husband who is trying to save our marriage by suggested marriage counseling. This is why I am asking.....sigh~

I think domestic violence needs an agressive pro-active approach on YOUR part.... assuming you are the victim of abuse.

Marriage counseling while the spouses are living separately (and safely) might be one way to approach this.

Marriage counseling might not be enough, especially if the violent partner has a nasty quick temper..... in that case, anger managment is more likely helpful.

Are you being abused in some way?

Pep

Thankfully, he doesn't hit me nor punch me, but he bruises me. He has a tendacy to use full force durin/after our argument by preventing me going from one place to another. The more I try to fight him off, the more rougher he gets. He would completely lose control. This has happened 3 times before, but this time he has crossed the line. He nearly killed me by putting his hand over my mouth & nose trying to shut me up. I no longer wants to take this or tolerate.

I think Pepper is 100% correct...you need to be the one that's pro-active here or things will continue to get worse. First and foremost, do whatever is necessary to remove yourself from the threat of violence. Then take some time to come up with a plan. Good luck and God Bless, things can get better for you!

It sounds to me like Pepperband is definitely on the right wavelength - you need to be SAFE first and foremost (and your kids, if any).

Then you can think about counseling.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be concerned that his suggestion to get counseling was just another way of saying "Oh baby, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again". As much as you might like to believe it, history shows it isn't true. Get yourself in a position of safety first and foremost. And don't tell yourself he'd never really hurt you, or it won't get worse, because he has and it has. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Originally posted by stayinluv:
he bruises me.

Get away from him today. You are not safe.

He has a tendacy to use full force durin/after our argument by preventing me going from one place to another.

Get away from him today. You are not safe.

The more I try to fight him off, the more rougher he gets.

Call the police and ask where you can find a battered women's shelter.

He would completely lose control.

Not safe. Get away today.

This has happened 3 times before, but this time he has crossed the line. He nearly killed me by putting his hand over my mouth & nose trying to shut me up.

He may kill you someday. Counseling is a waste of time if things are this bad.

Leave..... get out. Don't discuss or forewarn .... just go.

I no longer wants to take this or tolerate.

Find a shelter. They can offer you help. safety, and legal advice.

Best of luck.

Get going today.

Pep

<small>[ January 21, 2004, 04:20 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Thank you for everyone's support.

After the incident, I have asked him to get the hell out. He moved out of the house immediately the next day. He called me a week later after the incident for forgivness and suggested a marriage counseling. This is why I am asking if or will the counseling even work? Or I should just move on?

Personally I'd get a restraining order against him and even still possibly move into a women's shelter so he doesn't know where you're living.

I wouldn't go to marriage counseling with him. The only thing I might consider is if he got counseling (What kind do people like him get? Anger management counseling?) I might talk to his counselor after he'd been going a long time.

Have you talked to a shelter or the police about your options and what they advise? I'd worry that he knows where you live at this point.

I have a relative whose H was like that, and he told her that if she ever left him he'd track her down and kill her. She was terrified to do anything about it for a while, but thank goodness she eventually did go to a shelter, and get help. They divorced (not surprising) and now she's married to a kind, sweet, intelligent, attentive H and is TONS happier. But those were some very dark days and it broke her heart having to go to the shelter.

This seems to be more of a life/safety issue than a marriage issue right now.

Originally posted by stayinluv:

After the incident, I have asked him to get the hell out. He moved out of the house immediately the next day.

Change the locks and phone number. Get a PO Box and have all your official and important mail sent there.

He called me a week later after the incident for forgivness and suggested a marriage counseling.

This is pathetic. "I hit and abused you. Please forgive me."

If he were serious about forgiveness, and if he had accepted responsibility fully, he would have said something like, "I have started personal counseling by my own realization that I need help. Please be patient while I work on my issues. I will give you a monthly update of my progress."

This is why I am asking if or will the counseling even work? Or I should just move on?

No .... "counseling" will not work. He needs individual help when YOU are not in the picture. He needs to face HIS issues with the intention of self-improvement ..... Not just to win back your favor. You cannot have a decent marriage with someone who is violent. Marriage/couples counseling does NOT address violence ...

"Just move on" worries me too. YOU need to find out why you were attracted to a controling man. What part of your personality wants to be taken care of to the degree that you are willing to abdicate your personal power.

You need individual counseling as well.

If you both make personal changes as individuals, who knows, there might be a future for you as a couple.

But as it is now, both of you are needing counseling as individuals to examin why you made certain unhealthy choices.

THIS is an error you don't want to repeat ever again .... so you must have some understanding of what was behind your choice for a husband.

Blessings and safety for you.

Pep

I guess my neighbor has called the cops because they have showed up at my house several times before, like I said this isn't the first time. We've only been married since September last year and things have been sort of rough after my h got fired. We would always get into stupid arguments and I am the type who has to leave the room or the scene during or after arguments because I get so upset to the point that I rather not continue. My h, at the other hand, prefer to deal with the situation immediatley. So this is why he gets upset when I chose to leave the room or the scene. And I guess he has gotten worse & worse. I am not saying him been violent is right, I just want you all to get the full picture of what is going on. Like what Pepper mentioned, he should have seek counseling on his own than try to apologize and suggesting marriage counseling for us. This is why I want to know if our marriage will work at all?

Originally posted by stayinluv:
This is why I want to know if our marriage will work at all?

Why did you choose a controling man to marry?

What need of yours did that controling quality meet?

Who can say if your marriage will or will not "work"?

It's not working right now, but .... with individual therapy, who can say.

But, a very important issue for YOU as an individual is being overlooked (in my opinion).

Why did you pick a man who was controling?

Until you find out this about yourself, you might choose a similar man for your next husband.

Pep

PS

Here's a hint....

A controling man will say to his love during courtship:

"I can't live without you."

And certain women who need to be needed might see this statement as "loving" .... when, in actuality, it is very controling and manipulitive.

Pep

I was attracted to him because he was very out-going, he made me laugh all the time and most important, he was a great listner & attentive. He never told me what to do, never manipulated me in any way. NOne of the guys I have dated in the past were controlling nor abusive as well. My h was not like this at all when we were dating. For some reason, it all just started to change after we got married, he became totally different. He wasn't like that at all before. However, now that you mentioned, he has said this in the past, "I cannot live without you." To be honest, we were going through some rough time in the beginning because there were so much to adjust since we were newly weds, and on top of that we always had financial difficulity which may lead to frustration & pressure on him as a man. I really don't know, but we did argue more than normal couples [I think].