Recently, I have discovered after many months of searching for answers that my H had an affair, I was in shock. The anger was unbelievable(and still is)my sense of trust along with his respect for me as his wife and our children has gone. I do love him very much and have been willing to attempt working things out.... My concerns are causing me to act with angry outbursts at times along with hateful comments which I realize isn't helping problems. THe man I thought I knew would have never done or acted in the manner which he did.... Here's my story.... for the previous 3 months my H has been using vacation days and spending them with her, the normal day would consist of shopping ( buying her gifts, mostley clothes ) going out to eat and then to a local motel, yes local motel one of their choose.... this happened at least 6 times which I am aware of.... The story I would be told on these days was he was going to a meeting that day, infact I would call his cell phone and talk with him and he'd answer telling me he was out to lunch with co-workers, when indeed he could have been in bed with her at the time.,, infact, on once occassion I called requesting help due to vechile problems and was told he was 1 1/2 hours away and couldn't help me, instead he called our older son, when he was local in a MOTEL with her.... I would think that situation would have been enough to stop these actions before I found out, but he went back for more...... (THe OW is married also, with children around the same ages of ours....) Many times within the last few months I would ask if anything was wrong, I would even acuse him of cheating and his response would be "He's been faithful to me for 20 years" and I was dreaming "he didn't want any problems between us"...... many many stories but never the truth.... Since D-day he has cut all ties with her completely and has told me how much he loves me and what a huge mistake he made, along with thanking me for stopping him. BUT, I am very scared that he may be trying to save himself financially or may be just waiting for the storm to blow over and go back to her.... I am very scared and don't believe anything he tells me...even though his love and actions prove otherwise.... My major problem now is obsessing about the OW and him being intimate with her so many times, touching her the way he does me, I can't get past this which is causing my anger to build day after day and pushes me toward considering divorce simply because I am not able to deal with these feelings and thoughts.... Each time I enter a store which he shopped with her in I become angry and upset and just want him to walk away from our family.... My feeling of saddness are so strong I find it hard to believe I will ever heal completly. How do you heal from such a betrayal? His anwser to why is " he didn't think I loved him anymore" so instead of talking with me he went off with a women who pursed him in a recent class they both attended, he allowed this women into his life and pushed his family out even when we didn't know it.. Our lifes at home remained the same, sleeping with me while sleeping with her also and I am sure sometimes within the same day..... I need help learning how to deal with these feeling or if I can honestly forgive and move on as a family.. At this point I am questioning my love, commitment and true family values, at times I feel like I have aloud him to stay with us as a family and act pretty much the same around the kids and try to deal/cop with my experience which he should be so thankful for..... My saddness goes so very deep and the nightmares are so strong and freguent that my life is being controlled by this experience..... I ask myself why me, what did I do or not do to deserve this type of treatment? WIll I ever have any answers which satify me, since all I seem to get from him is "I don't know why I didn't stop, I don't know why I did that so long? lots of I don't know's.... to me that's avoiding the question and not wanting to give an honest answer..... I need answers in order to move on with my life together is that so wrong, and I want revengue on the OW, I want her family to know what she has done, to lose respect for her as a mother and wife, why should my life be the only one messed up along with my children when it takes two to play...... I wish I could go back in time and change all the things that may have caused him to wonder,,,,, but how?

Hello

I am a BS who's H had an 18 month affair with the wife of his friend.

This was 8 years ago.

8 years ago my rage, confusion and hurt was identical to yours.

Today we have a fantastic marriage, better than before.

This is said to give you some perspective. It is true that time and effort can heal what's wrong in your marriage. It is possible.

This level of healing takes years. Two at minimum.

For right now.... you are a walking raw open wound .... you are in a state of injury as bad as if you had been in a major automobile accident.

For you to try and think about the future while experiencing all this pain is impossible. Take this one day at a time. Do NOT make a decision about staying or leaving for at least 6 months. After 6 months the pain is lessened and your decision-making capacities are improved.

Here are some simple "emergency" suggestions:

1. See your MD or RNP (I am an RNP) and ask for a complete STD screen and tell him/her why you need this. Also ask for anti-depressants. Ask for something to help you sleep.

2. Start a journal. Keep this private. This is your safe place to vent and rage.

3. Seek out the best pro-marriage counselor you can find. Counsel with him/her as an individual first. He/she will tell you when it's time to bring in your H.

4. If you have a church or other place or spiritual worship, get help there as well.

5. Keep an eye on your kids. Tell their teachers that there is a "family crisis" and that the kids may need some extra watching, and that you'd like to be informed right away if there is any worisome changes in the kids' behavior.

6. Get books. Surviving An Affair. Torn Asunder.

7. Pamper yourself. Exercise. Baths. Spa days.

Please keep posting.

Love,

Pep

<small>[ January 21, 2004, 03:37 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Dear Betrayed,
My FWH continued to lie and see OW for a full year after Dday #1. We are now at the two year mark, and I still have many doubts about his honesty. The fact that he still claims to not know why he started or continued it (three year A)is a major source of uncertainty for me. I feel that he is not facing himself. Most importantly, I feel he has not been able to forgive himself.

I am so sorry I did not insist on counseling early on. We had a couple of months worth, but it was while he was still lying/cheating, so it did little good.

He's now spending all of his free time with me, and being very loving and attentive. Yet I still get very anxious sometimes about his ability to be in contact during work hours. So there are trust issues.

You seem to be trusting of you FWHs pledge of no contact. That's good, and should help you shed the anger and resentment more quickly than I have been able to.

My resentment has been huge, especially since the final year of the A, FWH was out of work and he was off playing with OW (who was downsized at the same time) while I was at work paying the mortgage. Beleive it or not, the resentment has been easier to lose than the distrust.

These days, I just pray for faith and patience, that his heart will open to me so he can give me the honesty that will give me some confidence that he is genuine. --DT

Originally posted by betrayed @ Angry:
My concerns are causing me to act with angry outbursts at times along with hateful comments which I realize isn't helping problems.

Which is why I suggest a journal.

THe man I thought I knew would have never done or acted in the manner which he did....

He was an idiot while having an affair .... he doesn't have to remain an idiot the rest of his life.

(THe OW is married also, with children around the same ages of ours....)

Her H needs to be made aware. A simple note might be better. "Dear Sir, I am saddened to inform you that your wife and my husband have had an affair from (dates ). My husband has ended the affair (give the date) and has no desire to ever contact your wife again. I do not require or desire any response to this letter. I know I would wish to be informed if I were you, and that is the sole purpose of this letter."

Many times within the last few months I would ask if anything was wrong, I would even acuse him of cheating and his response would be "He's been faithful to me for 20 years" and I was dreaming "he didn't want any problems between us"......

This is text-book affair babble. (babble is non-sense pseudo logic that all affair idiots speak) Your husband is not an exception. My H told me "I would never do that to you" .... and he was in the middle of his affair. Your H lied because his lies allowed him to fool himself as well as you.

Since D-day he has cut all ties with her completely and has told me how much he loves me and what a huge mistake he made, along with thanking me for stopping him.

that's a good sign

BUT, I am very scared that he may be trying to save himself financially or may be just waiting for the storm to blow over and go back to her....

Your fear is natural.... "What if?" will play with your mind for quite some time.... don't give your fears more power than they deserve.

I am very scared and don't believe anything he tells me...even though his love and actions prove otherwise....

Again, this is totally within reason. YOU are NOT crazy to doubt his word. He has to earn your trust. (But not your love) Trust is not like the lottery ..... more like a paycheck! Trust is 100% earned.

My experience has taught me that the bigger trust issue for the BS (you) is ... now you doubt yourself, your intuitions, your judgement, your observations. You won't trust your own perception of your world for awhile.

You also will not trust your H until you have regained your trust in yourself. Time and patience.


My major problem now is obsessing about the OW and him being intimate with her so many times, touching her the way he does me, I can't get past this which is causing my anger to build day after day

Normal early BS issues.... a raw wound really hurts! And the man you love wounded you, which is far worse.

You are NORMAL not nutz.

and pushes me toward considering divorce simply because I am not able to deal with these feelings and thoughts....

Guess what.... a divorce makes MORE wound and hurt.... so don't even imagine that a fast divorce would fix your hurt.

Time and patience.

Each time I enter a store which he shopped with her in I become angry and upset and just want him to walk away from our family.... My feeling of saddness are so strong I find it hard to believe I will ever heal completly.

I know. But.... you are too recently wounded to have perspective.

How do you heal from such a betrayal?

Time and patience.

His anwser to why is " he didn't think I loved him anymore"

ALSO typical WS babble. They tell themselves this lie "I am unloved" to allow themselves room to cheat. This is normal claptrap from WS early in the game. It will change.

so instead of talking with me he went off with a women who pursed him in a recent class they both attended, he allowed this women into his life and pushed his family out even when we didn't know it.. Our lifes at home remained the same, sleeping with me while sleeping with her also and I am sure sometimes within the same day.....

Which is why you need STD testing .... and make it a requirement of your H as well.

I need help learning how to deal with these feeling or if I can honestly forgive and move on as a family..

To hell with forgiving right now. You're still in the trying to breathe level.

You will understand and forgive.... but it's too early. Release yourself from this responsibility for now. You job is to survive this hand-grenade tossed into your chest cavity.


At this point I am questioning my love, commitment and true family values, at times I feel like I have aloud him to stay with us as a family and act pretty much the same around the kids and try to deal/cop with my experience which he should be so thankful for.....

You need professional help. The Harley's have counseling service. Try them.

My saddness goes so very deep and the nightmares are so strong and freguent that my life is being controlled by this experience.....

Anti-depressants really help!

I ask myself why me, what did I do or not do to deserve this type of treatment?

No one "deserves" to be betrayed.

WIll I ever have any answers which satify me, since all I seem to get from him is "I don't know why I didn't stop, I don't know why I did that so long? lots of I don't know's.... to me that's avoiding the question and not wanting to give an honest answer.....

He doesn't know yet. My dear beloved H couldn't give me a straight answer for about 6 months.... because he was a stranger to himself!

I need answers in order to move on with my life

But, your answers are revealed over time, not on demand. Sorry.

together is that so wrong, and I want revengue on the OW,

Yessss write your revenge fantasies in your journal. Keep them there.

I want her family to know what she has done, to lose respect for her as a mother and wife, why should my life be the only one messed up along with my children when it takes two to play......

Wellllll..... The OW's H needs to be told .... out of respect and compassion for him. Leave the rest to God.

Whenever I thought of a good revenge fantasy I would also imagine the same thing being done to me or my kids or my husband .... and that reality stopped me from "doing" anything. Fantasies yes.... but keep in in your journal.


I wish I could go back in time and change all the things that may have caused him to wonder,,,,, but how?

The time machine is broken.

So.... please keep posting.

Pep

<small>[ January 21, 2004, 04:12 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Its a sad thing indeed. You are feeling very normal for being hit over the head with a bat. I know the feeling very well. It stinks. The replaying in your mind is the worst. I know its going to be hard but try not to dwell on what happened. It can drive you insane. As stated, it will pass with time.

What do they say "what dose'nt kill us makes us stronger". Some good will come out of this ,believe it or not. It will force you to take a step back and look at your spouse for what they really are. You are no longer blinded by love. You most likely will see indicaters many moons ago that lead up to where you are today. I know i did.

NOw is the time for a plan A, and to accept that you will probably never know the entire truth on what happened. that alone was the hardest thing for me to get past. Knowing that your so called soul mate is good at lying to you. That rips the heart the most.

But, when you emerge you will be a stronger person. Good luck, stay strong, and god bless.

Betrayed, reread Pepper's comments and take them to heart. She knows what she is talking about.

For what it is worth, I would give just about anything to be in your shoes! Why? My WW has had a 4 year affair and moved out. She had not broken it off, but instead, plans to end our marriage.

I hope and pray that she will make a decision like your husband to break contact with the other person and work on the marriage.

God Bless you.

I am still adjusting to the shock of my H affair.
The pain is horrible and memories/thoughts are difficult every time I look at him. I can only hope as many of you indicated after time has passed the pain will become less. My most difficult issue is revengue which hangs over me constantly! I want the OW's husband to be aware of what she has done, I want her to suffer just as I have grieving day after day, waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, wondering how and why this has happened, and how I can change the past and if I can even deal with it in the future, will my marriage survive and become stronger or will it fail due to weakness. I am in a horrible state of shock and can only hope I am strong enough to go on and not run looking for the answers. THe very thought of being betrayed in such a horrible way sends shivers down my spine, the thought of him being with her in a motel makes me sick to my stomach, now do I get past these feelings and concerns in order to make my marriage stronger?

betrayed

First of all please read up on how spouses respond to finding out about an affair.

Its a very devastating thing so when you think you are going off the deep end you are not:

You will see yourself in many of the items on this page.

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/tips/patternaffair.html

Just be aware that right now you are in shock. Right now your emotions rule. Right now you are in no condition to do anything but take it one day at a time.

When you feel stronger then read many of the suggested books on affairs. They will help you understand how affairs happen and their various meanings.

For now try and take care of yourself. It will be extremely hard for you to sleep but try to get as much rest as possible. You will have little or no apetite but try to eat regular healthy meals.

Almost every betrayed spouse here lost a ton of weight right discovering an affair. I lost 36lbs of my less than 200lbs at that time. 18% drop in weight in under 6 months combined with chronic sleep deprivation took a huge physical toll on me along with the emotional toll.

So try ,even though it you won't want to, eating regularly. Rest when you can.

In the short run you might want to try some over the counter sleep aids. If that doesn't help ask your doctor for something prescription strength...word of caution many prescriptions sleeping aids like Ambien can kill you if you overdose. The intense pain and depression you are and will experience often leads to thoughts of suicide. If this is the case DO NOT get anything stronger than over the counter sleeping aids.

Also I highly recommend you seek anti-depressants as soon as possible. They won't stop the pain but they will help you function better....note better not necessarily normal.

Important things just for you:

1) Affairs happen in good marriages and to good people.
2) The majority of times affairs are not about the betrayed spouse as hard as that seems to accept.
3) You can get through this. Many do.
4) If you do get through this and do work on your marriage you will actually have a stronger more connected marriage....assuming you can fight the other common urge besides suicide most betrayed spouse have and that being homicide... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I know you feel like your world is crashing but you are not alone, you can get through this.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> THe very thought of being betrayed in such a horrible way sends shivers down my spine, the thought of him being with her in a motel makes me sick to my stomach, now do I get past these feelings and concerns in order to make my marriage stronger? [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It will happen.

As all BS's are telling you, those feelings are the darkest, most horrible time of your life, but they will pass. They must.

NO ONE can stay in that "state" of shock, hurt, sick to stomach, all of it - forever. You will recover, you will find "normal" again.

In the meantime, it's best if you don't make any major, life-altering decisions (such as deciding you can't do this, and want a divorce). NO decisions can be made when your mind and heart are injured and in pain.

Think of it as a nuclear blast. I did. It helped me. When a blast goes off, it devastates everything near it. It totally levels everything. NOTHING remains standing where it once was. Everything looks wrong, broken, UNFIXABLE.

But, given enough time, effort and the will to rebuild, it all CAN be rebuilt, and can even be better than before!

Listen to Pepperband's advice. She knows what she's talking about (she's such a wise person), and she's "been there..."

Good luck to you both, and God Bless.

I don't know if this is any help at all.

I went through months and months of pure rage. I threw him out of the house at one point.

Last month, something changed. It was abrupt. I simply realized that the past happened and there is nothing either of us can do about it. It permanently alters our future. He could be the most wonderful husband from this point on, but there will always be an element of doubt if there is any discrepancy anywhere. For example, he worked a half day on MLK day. I called his office, got a voice mail, and his message said he was out all day. Prior to the affair, I would not have given this a second thought. In the months after the affair, this would have been the subject of a monumental discussion. Now I bring it up and ask for an explanation.

At this point, we are following the MB program to TEST if we can have a successful marriage. If we can't, I'm done. It's as simple as that. If he can't meet my needs and I can't meet his, then I'd rather be divorced. I came to a certain peace in deciding that I would take divorce over a bad marriage. It doesn't mean he is a bad person or I am a bad person, just that we can't meet each other's needs. Something went terribly awry pretty much at the beginning of our marriage (as in, I nearly spent the wedding night in the car, and his first violent act was within a few months of our wedding) and I stuck by my marriage vows. Now I realize that marriage means mutual care. If I cannot care for him despite a history of infidelity, then I need to let him know so we both can move on. Right now, I think it is possible but only if we have a great marriage. That's why we are following Harley's program.

<small>[ January 22, 2004, 10:41 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Hi Betrayed

You have gotten some real good advice. I just want to tell you that it does get better.

I can understand wanting the OW to suffer, but in reality that is beyond your control. To inform her H now that should be done. But do it for the right reasons not out of revenge. Remember he is also the a BS, and it will probably hit him as hard as it hit you. He needs to know so he can work on his M. It also helps if both sides know of the A. Harder to run around and hide that second life. I informed the OMW by writing a letter, Poe my FWW also wrote her a letter, and I hand deliverd them to her. Find a way to make sure that the OWH will get the letter.

Your fears and worries are valid, that your H is telling you he Loves you and that he is glad you stopped him is a good sign. But his actions will be what is needed to rebuild your trust in him. It took Poe 7 weeks to tell me she loved after d-day.

Be open and honest about what your feeling and thinking with your H. Vent your anger here or in your journal, or both. Tell your H your EN's and let him know yours. Seek his comfort when in pain.

Most of all be good to yourself.

Silver

Update to my current situation, I have recently for the second time talked with a counselor about my husband's affair., I am still struggling daily with the aspect of his being with another women and the betrayal of his actions, spending the day with this women and buying her gifts, eating out and then going to a local hotel all while I was working.... My consent obsession of wanting the OW husband to know about her actions has been confirmed not only by Pep whom I totally agree with but also my counselor, her confirmation was "ask yourself- what will I gain by telling him" if you are content with the answer then by all means write him a letter. I truley believe she should suffer for her actions, but also her husband has the right to know HE has issues in his marriage. I currently feel broken in two, one side is working so hard to rebuild our marriage and loves him dearly and the other side is so obsessed with his actions and being with another women I get sick... How do I remove that feeling and move on? I want my life back better then it was before with my marriage being stronger then ever, but the fear and frustration of his actions keeps me stuck between the two constantly! Can anyone out there offer advise on a similar situation and how to move on... Pep's advise was wonderful, and will follow her words.
I will also offer this information, my husband has been wonderful as far as support and constant affection along with kind words daily, he has been through hell with me and my constant remarks and nasty digs on a daily basis, I wonder sometimes how much more he will take from me....

I currently feel broken in two, one side is working so hard to rebuild our marriage and loves him dearly and the other side is so obsessed with his actions and being with another women I get sick... How do I remove that feeling and move on?

You cannot remove this hurt. You must process this experience into something that has great personal, spiritual meaning.

This is a process that will develop your character in ways you never knew that you had the potential to realize.

A process ... like growing something precious. Takes time and nurturing.

Love and nurture yourself, your spirit, and this will lead you past all this hurt.

Be patient with yourself.

Love,

pep

<small>[ January 26, 2004, 09:35 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>