My H of 19 years is an alcoholic--periods of sobriety on his own, the last one lasted 2 years which was his longest, but never would go to AA or for other support. When EA started in October, he began drinking again. Went to basically being drunk most evenings once the PA began in November. His mind is so clouded by both the A and the drinking, all he can do is feel sorry for himself, be cold to me, and just say he's a failure but that he doesn't know what to do and can't choose between me and her.

I thought we were making progress--he was starting to see she is a floozy. He's 38, she'25. No job, no income, no car, lives with a girlfriend, 3 kids--no custody of 2 of them. I am a manager who makes good money and has morals. He'll say "I know what I should do, but I just can't."

I've been advised that a normal plan A isn't a good idea with him, because it enables the alcoholic. (Though it's basically what I've been doing for the past month.) Now he's saying he needs to find a place of his own to "get right with himself". Upon a little investigation, this means she's told him that he needs to stop coming home to me. He, of course, is taking it all in from her.

I feel like I'm going to lose him if I give in and willingly just let him go (plan B) with no contact, because over the last few days since this all came about he's become VERY cold to me. I am the only person in his life right now who does not condone his drinking. She allows it. His coworkers all think it's fine, because he drinks with them. I feel like if I let go, he has no hope but to spiral into Hell, and as a Christian who loves her husband dearly, this is the most sickening thought.

Have any of you dealt with an alcoholic WS? If so, how did you do it? Was it successful? How long did it take? He's been an alcoholic for many years.

I want so much to have him back. I can't bear the thought of the man I met at 15 who I've been with for 23 years being gone from my life. He's not that man right now, but I still can't believe that man is gone. I think he's totally buried.

Hi lordslady

I think there are several people here, who had dealed with WS's who got addictions or who were alcoholics. One wise lady I can remember here with your problem is Bramblerose. Start looking at posts that she made.

For you, I would recommend one book Co-dependent no more AND going to Al-Anon, that might help YOU on how to deal with this.

About plan A or plan B and alcoholism I can only talk for myself regarding my poor experience on the matter.

Lot's of alcoholics, never recover, and just a few ones realize that they have to change only when they have lost it all, job, family or they have to be hospitalized several times (almost life) for that to be their wake up call.

Please take that in mind, and think if you want to save your M, you are going into this for a LONG run. This is not going to be easy for any of you, but unless your H understands how this sickness is affecting him, and you to understand that you can't do nothing to change him, you are going to be in a VERY hard ride. Again I strongly suggest you look for Al-Anon meeting in your town. Keep going there until you get it, get the body, the mind will follow <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Take care and good luck

Dr. Harley and most therapist stress the need to fix the individual problem first when dealing with addictions or mental illness BEFORE trying to fix the marriage.

Check the homepage I am pretty sure there is an page discussing addictions and mental illness in regards to affairs and marital recovery.

<small>[ January 24, 2004, 09:03 AM: Message edited by: ellyn ]</small>