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#1108341 01/22/04 01:33 AM
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I have posted here a few times telling my story. I started plan A and it seemed to be working. It Is very hard but it seems to be an eye opening experience for myself and my wife.

When I started plan A it was very hard to put things into the back of my mind and open myself up and make myself available to W.

I believe it has worked. It has not been very long but W has split from OM no contact other than to tell NOt to contact anymore VIa Email.

We have had some of the best days in our marriage in the past few days...and some of the worst. things are going in the right direction but there are hard days. We have each other now and I can tell that my wife and I have rekindled a lot of feelings that we have had for one another. We have also found some new ones, and in such a short time.

W is going through a withdrawl. She knows this and it is difficult at times. She has said that when she feels sad she needs me to be there and she can feel the emptiness being filled by me. This is good!!

Plan A has given me a new outlook. The idea of it makes sense in everyday life. I am stronger because of it. My wife is with me now. She said it is because I did all the right things to giude her down the path of us.

We are now looking forward to recovery. Looking forward to a stronger marriage than we have ever had. Its going to be work. We both know that now. But we are going to try, its what we want. I only hope it will stay that way.

#1108342 01/22/04 04:09 AM
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Recovery takes time and sometimes a few steps back. But it is movement going forward and I am glad your w is coming around. R U going to a good MC? Can you do some phone counseling with Steve, Jennifer or Cerri?

One suggestion here was to write down a positive point about your spouse each day.

I am glad to hear you are both working on the M.

take care,
L.

#1108343 01/22/04 08:13 PM
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We are talking with an MC. We both really like her. She is very proactive, she says what is on her mind.

My W thinks she wants to give the OM an in person goodbye. MC and I both told her it is a bad Idea. She doesn't know what she will do now. Some other people and friend have told her that OM deserves that, but it is just another way for him to try and get her close to him and rekindle the feelings.

He keeps sending Emails that have tell her he will wait but that she needs to find out in her owen, people don't change...things like that. He also brings My son into the mix. He knows she has a very close bond with him. He is using him and it makes me very angry and upset. He has no Idea who my son is. He also does not care about him. He only cares because she does!!!

Today is just not a very good day for me. My wife continues to tell me she is here for good and that she will not change her mind. That there is nothing that he can say or do to change things. She knows where she wants to be and what she wants to do. That is our Family.

W is in very good spirits today. I feel bad because I do not share her energy and joy today. I am trying though. I dont know how to try to get through this part. I have put some of my feelings of B on the back burner so I could do plan A. Now they are starting to come out. I am thinking all the time of what she really has done. How she broke our trust and honesty. It hurts.

#1108344 01/22/04 08:41 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by brosco:
<strong> My W thinks she wants to give the OM an in person goodbye. MC and I both told her it is a bad Idea. She doesn't know what she will do now. Some other people and friend have told her that OM deserves that, . </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I cannot believe what I am reading. So called 'friends' have told your wife the OM deserves an in person goodbye?? Surely they jest!

The OM had an affair with a married woman, attempted to break up a family, caused a huge amount of pain to innocent people and he deserves something?? Well yes he does. He deserves a swift kick in the rear!

The OM is not worthy to lick your dirty boots. He deserves nothing from either of you.

#1108345 01/22/04 11:51 PM
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That is what bugs me. One of my W best friends had an affair(imagine that). It was only six months ago that it was first exposed. My W is getting advice from her. W friend said she still thinks of her OM that she would have felt better with a proper goodbye. In reality she is still going through withdrawl. My w doesn't understand that. I have told my wife this but she does not believe much of what I say about OM.

OM does not deserve anything. He needs to go away!!! OM said in an email that other people she knows have said the same thing.

I have not told my Wife In this way.

The OM had an affair with a married woman, attempted to break up a family, caused a huge amount of pain to innocent people and he deserves something?? Well yes he does. He deserves a swift kick in the rear!

Maybe I should. what do you think? She will not listen to me. She does not like to hear negative things about OM coming from me. W thinks I am too one sided. I dont know.

#1108346 01/23/04 05:59 AM
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Hello,

Your wife thinks you are too one sided? This has got to be a joke. What do you think your wife would be thinking if the roles had been reversed?
The OM deserves nothing but contempt. I guess the next step will be her saying she stills wishes to be friends with him. It is unfortunate that she still maintains friends who are pro affairs. I wish you luck.

#1108347 01/23/04 07:20 AM
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W doesnt want to be friends with OM. She does relize the danger in that. SHe hopes he will just go away like I do. She does think that if she gives a face to face maybe he will leave.

W has decided not to do an in person goodbye for now. She is understanding of my decision and feelings on this one. She may change her mind. MC told her to take some time and make sure that it would be for her if she did, not OM. Or to make OM feel better. W is taking time.

MC also told her if She thought that she had to do it. There needed to be a third party in the room. That third party could not leave. This was the only way it could happen. We will see what happens.

My W does continue to tell me and 100 percent that she has made her decision and that she os where she wants to be. Other than OM emails there has been zero contact. This is good

#1108348 01/23/04 08:54 AM
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The 100 percent would include no emails being read.

See if you can get her to work with you to block his emails. Let the other man know that you are a team and that you get to read his emails to your wife.

When the emails stop, you will have the pleasure of having done something for your marriage together.

#1108349 01/23/04 09:13 AM
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I would suggest a good e-mail spam filter and block e-mail comming from the OM. That way she will not have to be tempted. I would set it up so that his mail is bounced back to him as rejected. sometime he will get the picture and stop.

Good Luck.

#1108350 01/23/04 10:10 AM
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I blocked the email myself I have not told her. OM did not Email yestreday at all. He said he was done...sure. I guess I will talk to W whe she comes home. Or should I?

W is in Palm Springs with her mother. She was originally takin the trip to help in her decision and not have any outside influences. NO cell phone, no email. W mom told her if there was anything left with us that she needs to work on or marriage. She will not let her contact OM for sure. My W is being open and honest about the Email and what people say and everythung else too. Which is a wonderful feeling. I believe she will not contact OM. If she does she wil tell me.

She said this trip isn't a decision trip anymore. W has made her decision but she still needs to get away and get refocused in a lot of things. Still no phone or email. It will be good I hope.

We have been missing each other a lot since I have moved back in. Just going to work is hard everyday. This trip will bring us even closer together just by being apart.

#1108351 01/23/04 10:49 AM
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Great suggestions dhf! I was going to suggest the same thing.

The OM is like a drug, and you may need to go to extra precautions to keep the temptation away. Drug addicts are instructed to not socialize with the same friends even when they are clean. I'm sure your W realizes she may have to say goodbye to her friend too.

Change your number, block email or change email addresses, move, change jobs. Some couples have even gone to the extreme of moving acros the country. Your M is worth it.

Help her put it in the context of a drug. It is a temptation that you can help with, but she will need to put precautions in place too to keep her from him in moments of weakness. An alcoholic doesn't live next door from a liquor store.

#1108352 01/23/04 04:25 PM
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What a great turn things have taken for you and your W recently! I am so happy for both of you. Yes, there will be LOTS of hard work ahead but celebrate every little victory, because they are hard won.

I agree that telling OM goodbye in person is a horrible idea. Of course, this has to be something that your W "decides" on her own, no one else can force her to do anything. If your W becomes set on the idea of an "in person goodbye" then having the third person in attendance is a very good idea.

Regarding your feelings of anger etc. beginning to come out, they will. They'll hit you out of the blue, and hard sometimes. Take your time sharing these feelings with your W. Do share them, for sure, but wait until her position at your side is a bit more solidified. Also try to be candid without any LB's when discussing how you've been affected by all this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She will not listen to me. She does not like to hear negative things about OM coming from me. W thinks I am too one sided. I dont know. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your W is in withdrawal and will be for a long time. If you attack OM her natural instinct will be to defend him against you. Don't put her in that position. Work on being the best H you can be, and she will realize the truth about OM in her own time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I blocked the email myself I have not told her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO! NO! NO!
The way to rebuild a trusting, safe, honest M is NOT by sneaking behind her back. I agree 100% the mails should be blocked, but this should be POJA'd. Any attempts to control her or force her into your way of thinking will just push her away from you.

I'd suggest disussing it w/her over the phone and if she's okay with it, leave the block in place. Or if the phone isn't a good medium for you guys, remove the block and discuss it with her when she returns.

While we're on the subject, I'd NOT have all of OM's emails rejected back to him. He can too easily get a hotmail or Yahoo! account and circumvent the block that way. Just have them silently disappear. IMHO, a non-delivery is still contact in that it acknowledges the power of his presence in your lives.

It sounds like your W is doing a great job of reassuring you despite her withdrawals and the pain and doubt she must certainly be feeling. The fact that you guys are seeing a good MC is so encouraging. Keep up the good work.

#1108353 01/23/04 07:47 PM
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Right now I am feeling like my W has been contacting OM. I saw some Private calls on her phone. OM used to block number so I wouldnt see. These are from the past two days. She is out of town now trying to clear her mind and get focused. Should I talk to her about on the phone and aske her. Or should I wait untill she gets back. It is reallt tearing me up right now.

#1108354 01/23/04 08:03 PM
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brosco you may want to consider calmly, respectfully and quietly expressing to your W the desire for the two of you to follow The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage. and the desire to create an emotional environment where the two of you can honestly share your most deepest thoughts and feelings without fear of hurting each other(true intimacy). Wouldn't she like that?

#1108355 01/23/04 09:09 PM
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She would like that, I would like that. It is something we have expressed to eachother. I am being paranoid, She is gone for four days and I dont have her here now. I know she will not be able to contact OM very easily her mother would not allow it. But I still have the fear of the contact.

#1108356 01/23/04 10:44 PM
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Thank you all for the support and kind words. They are keeping my head above water.

#1108357 01/25/04 01:08 AM
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brosco don't do any e-mail blocking without asking your W first. The last thing you need is to give the OM ammunition that you are a selfish and controlling H. Express to your W that you love and respect her and because of this the last thing you want is to do things behind her back. Chances are that your W will appreciate this and just might feel obliged to reciprocate by telling you about any contact she had with the OM. Avoid all love busters and you will cement your relationship with your W.

#1108358 01/24/04 02:45 PM
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I unbocked the email yesterday. I will talk with W when she returns. I do not want to be controling. I have never been that way before and dont wish to start now. I want it ti be a decision we make together. It will show me she is dedicated to us now.

#1108359 01/24/04 02:57 PM
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I am having some strange feelings, even though my wife has returned. I am feeling empty(big suprise). When My wife is not around I think about other Women. Just what it would feel like to have the attention and love returned to me. From someone that has not caused me this much pain and hurt. I know these Feelings are becuase my EN are not being met. I do miss that. It feels good even to think about someone meeting those needs. To think someone loves me like I Love them. It feels really good.

I still feel lost about my W feelings. It is hard to believe everything she tells me. I know they are true. I can tell by her tone and actions , but my emotions take over and me think it is all fluff. So right now it is hard to now where I am...where I satnd.

#1108360 01/25/04 02:32 AM
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brosco be very careful with your emotions for if you let them take command they will certainly sabotage all your hard earned gains. It is very normal that you miss not having your EN´s met by your W, but consider that your marriage has been devastated not only by her affair but by neglect on both sides for quite a number of years, and because of these things it is unrealistic to expect that (meeting of EN´s) at this point in time. You and your W need to rebuild your marriage like you would rebuild your house if it had been damaged by a force of nature. You wouldn´t expect to live in your new home while it was being rebuilt right? so don´t expecttoo much out of your marriage while it is still in the initial stages of being rebuilt and you won´t be sadly disappointed.


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