I’m new to this forum, so please forgive me if I butcher some of the acronyms and shortcuts. I’ve been reading posts for a few days and I can’t say how appreciative I am to have a place where people truly know what I’m going through. I have plenty of great people supporting me, but no one knows the horror unless they’ve gone through it, as I’m sure many of you will agree. Well, at this point, I’m in need of some guidance (my details are in my signature below). After d-day in 5/03, I was surprised, crushed, angry, embarrassed, you name it. It was basically that we were through and WW was now with OM. Without having read SAA, I think I almost by accident came up with something similar to Plan A. It was a total wake up call, and I recognized I needed to try and get busy with making changes ASAP. My efforts were seemingly nonexistent to WW, and I was quickly discouraged. I behaved with numerous LB’s. I think the only thing that got me through it until SAA was the fact that OM is an alcoholic and was on Huber law where he was in jail when not working. They did work together, but at least I had peace of mind knowing that they couldn’t be together much outside of that. In 8/03, I was pressured to move out (so I did), and OM’s Huber law sentence ended. I found out (from my kids) that OM had begun staying at WW’s house. I was devastated at the example being set for my kids, who at this point, were all I had. I went into a complete protective mode for my kids, visiting a lawyer and asking how I could keep OM from my kids. I didn’t want their A or his alcoholism anywhere near them. The lawyer said if I filed for divorce I could get a No Significant Other Order put into place, where neither of us could have a significant other in the presence of the kids until D was final. At this point, I was devastated but felt like I had no choice, so I filed. A few weeks later, while searching for help books at B&N, I came across SAA and began reading through it. It only took a few pages and I bought it. I also bought a copy for WW. What a book! Unfortunately by this time I was such an emotional mess that I continued LB’s. WW kept vacillating between what she wanted, ripping my heart out with a let’s try e-mail followed 6 hours later with an I just can’t e-mail. I was just so hurt and defeated to see past anything else. I have finally regrouped and have spent the last few weeks avoiding LB’s at all costs. It’s hard, though, to meet EN’s when I don’t live there. I still do meet financial, domestic, and family needs in some manner. WW has many past issues she is dealing with through an IC, and some of it has to do with resenting me for things in our marriage (her quitting school when getting pregnant during college, feeling ignored by me, etc.), while much of it has to do with childhood (4 dads, abandonment, rape, moved every 6 months with mom and brothers, mom provided no discipline, etc.). I guess at this point I’d like to start a Plan A. Is it too late for this after the LB’s since d-day? She still considers our marriage over (speaks of how she knows we need to get divorced) and she is still with OM. Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to give some background. I’m looking for some insight as to when I need to listen to her when she says it’s over. I’m debating just telling my lawyer to just put everything on hold and telling WW I’m not going to be the one to proceed with a divorce, while re-establishing my love and support for her. Please advise! Thanks.

Hi One,

Welcome to MB. I am sorry you have to be here under such stressful circumstances. You are on the right path for you but recovery be it personal or marital is still a ways away but not as far as you may think.

1st of it is good you have read SAA. Read His Needs/Her Needs by Dr Harley and Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson. This will help you plan for the worst case scenario so you can be ready for whatever she will hurl against you.

The person you see is not really your W nor the mother of your children. No one you loved would have ever treated you or your family in such a hurtful manner. Yet she looks like your W and by all legal aspects can pass for her.

Given that, you and your family need to take precautionary measures to protect your love and your family's interests from the one who now is not to be trusted with your family's love and safety. Is that cruel to hear? Yes it is but right now you need to really see things as they are not as you want them to be.

Know that you can't control your W's actions. But you can control yours. This place can help with some support. If you can get some phone counseling with Steve, Jennifer or Cerri it may help you cope and know what to watch for.

Here at MB's board we talk about what you are going through as a roller coaster. It will have it's up and down days. Also anxiety attacks can happen. It is important you eat and rest as much as you need. Hug your children. Do not leave them. If someone must leave, let it be here and let her be the inconvienced one. Reassure your children of your love and tell your W you love your W not the person she has become. Don't rub that in her face too much but she must know that you will not tolerate her abusive WS attitude. Be as kind and respectful as you can be but do not be her doormat. Let her know that your family requires honor and respect for all family members even the littlest one.

The OM is NOT to be trusted. Alcoholism is an illness. Children should not be subjected to that type of association. Learn the options in your state about what you can file regarding RO against him so he can be ordred not to be around your children.

Can you help your W? Maybe not directly. Don't preach to her. You show her by your conduct that you are the responsible and loving H and parent. She may resent that and say you are trying to make her look bad. Tell her no but she may be doing that on her own. Don't take her blame. Let that rest where it belongs. On her shoulders.

You will find you can do more than you realized. I know of a father with 2 children a boy who was at the time 7 and the girl 3. He has had them on his own for going on 3 years now and he has done an excellent job. His children have a schedule and he keeps a clean and neat home. Now his W is trying to take the children and she lives with a man who does drugs, smokes and does foul things in front of the children which their mother tolerates. This mother has also given up her oldest daughter to her parents and now she is claiming everyone is trying to keep her from her children. GO FIGURE. More fogtalk.

One thing you can do, pray for a clear mind and a calm heart,. Often at this time the heart and mind of the BS (betrayed spouse - you) is soo far apart, it is hard to make major decisions. Know that you can't force your heart to be like your mind. But it will happen. At that time you will start to feel some relief.

Well I need to get some shut eye. Will check back on you later. Please take care. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Again, someone with a situation very similiar to mine. Wow! This world is crazy!

Anyway, I am in a similiar situation and we are close to the same age. I have concluded that my wife's behavior is a detriment to our children so I am filing for custody (but not divorce). She just neglects them too much and I feel that I am cooperating with that by not doing something. I also feel that by me having them everyday and night it will allow more time for them to be together and hence speed up the lifting of the fog (if that makes any sense).

I know what you mean by LBing. When she is sleeping with another man and being mean, it almost seems impossible not to LB. So far this year though, I have managed not to LB at all. I know when she is served these papers though, it will be a huge LB. What I might just do is tell her I will be picking up the kids from her every evening after work, first. If she fights it, then I will file. I just cannot allow our little daughter to be affected by her.

Thank you for the replies Orchid and solon. Regarding the RO Orchid mentioned, there is currently a stipulation stating that neither of us can have a significant other in the presence of the kids (my lawywer said it was rare, but in my case we'd have no problem getting it signed by the judge; thankfully he was right). In keeping with the Fogland and lying tradition of a WS in A, she has violated this and lied about it. The kids have made comments and she's even admitted it. I've threatened to take her to court for it, but to be honest, she wouldn't get much more than a slap on the wrist and she knows it. Solon, filing the paperwork will be a huge LB, just be prepared. My WS went absolutely crazy on me, threatening just about anything you could imagine. Unfortunately, it's been a real battle trying to weigh LB's vs. the welfare of my kids. In the long run, I feel the kids will be better off if we're together (obviously recovered and affair-free), so I'm trying to limit LB's. At the same time, though, I have to protect my kids now and some of WS's decisions have been poor, and that's putting it way too friendly. It's almost one of those things where you work towards and hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Does that make sense?

Not everything the WS doesn't like is necessarily an LB. Boundaries are healthy, but not appreciated by addicts. Affairs are addictions. Anything that threatens their affair is likely to be hated by the addict (WS) - but anything you do that threatens the affair is actually fighting for your marriage, since you have no marriage while there is an affair in progress.

Click on the link in my signature line for some good plan A links, among other info.

One other thing: Harley says that even though it feels to the BS that the WS is not noticing any changes you make in Plan A - they actually do notice. They just don't let on. LB'ing gives them a good excuse to tell themselves that your changes are not real, or significant, so avoiding them is key.