Hi guys, I have a wife who cheated on my family of 10 years. I was completely shocked to find that she has had an affair for several months. Immediately after me finding out about the affair she ran into a shelter because I threatened to take the children out of our home. I did this because I found something not nice beside my daughters bed that the man left behind.
When my wife ran into the shelter they asked her to get a restraining order against me which she did to stay at the shelter and get a new apartment for a year that they would pay for. Well I spoke to the supposed man and he downloaded about the affair to me. (I later found out that he may have lied about the whole thing to me to get back for a business I kicked him out of)well when I got his 4 phone calls I called up the wifes new cell phone (she didn't know I had the number, and told her "Iknow everything, goodbye and hung up the phone. She freaked out and grabbed the children and went into hiding because of my earlier threats to remove the children. Now the shelter wants hewr to get a restraing order to keep the children from me for 1 year. I was thinking I would write her attornay a letter asking for the fighting to end and for us to get along and resolve these matters ourselves. What do you guys think? The letter would have me going to my ranch until May 1, 2004 and just contacting the children by phone and letters. Ultimately resulting in joint custody by both my wife and myself. This will give us both time to ecome calm. I really dislike her right now and she is afraid I am sitting across from her work to get the kids (Not true) will this help or hurt me? Also what is Plan A and Plan B and will it work if you have no contact and which book is it in?

First of all, welcome to the board. You've found a good resource. This is a great family (I'm new here, too)

Plan A and Plan B are plans to end the unfaithful spouse's affair, so that healing and restoration of the marriage can begin. There are numerous articles here regarding these plans - just do a search.

It sounds as though you have yet to make a decision - do you want to make your marriage work? Do you want your wife back? If not, Plans A and B are probably not for you.

I struggle with controlling my anger, just like you. Keeping emotions separate from facts is easier said than done, but it is necessary, regardless of whether you choose to work things out or leave her. Hang in there, and best of luck to you.

Hello,

Forget about writing a letter to her attorney. It is absolutely essential that you have your own attorney to fight for your rights or you will be destroyed if she has an attorney and you do not.

Without knowing the whole story and going solely by what you have stated so far, I can sympathize with you. This is yet another example of a woman's "shelter" staff going off the deep end and assuming, without proper documentation and investigation, that the man is an animal and the W must be shielded. I would strongly suggest you cover your tracks quickly as far as protecting yourself against allegations of abuse, threats, etc. Start counseling IMMEDIATELY for that anger issue and have all visits thoroughly documented. Be proactive in this and protect yourself and your kids. If your case goes to court their (the "shelter" and their minions) tactic will be to paint you as a malicious wife beater or abuser. Get a good lawyer because you're gonna need one. Insist on a copy of all court filings from the shelter or whoever they would coerce to represent her.

I am trusting you that you are telling us the whole truth here. If you have abused your W you should be prosecuted to the fullest standard of the law, in my opinion. If not, MAKE them prove their case beyond a reasonable doubt. The future for you and the kids depend on this.

To placate the ladies here, I would offer this same course of action if the roles were reversed. Unfortunately, shelters for male abuse victims are few and far between, and try to find a sympathetic judge for a case like that!

I would also recommend sending this man the letter, as well as his wife if he is married. It's time to let the cat out of the bag.

God bless!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurting Promise Keeper:
<strong> I am trusting you that you are telling us the whole truth here. If you have abused your W you should be prosecuted to the fullest standard of the law, in my opinion. If not, MAKE them prove their case beyond a reasonable doubt. The future for you and the kids depend on this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I appreciate your putting these disclaimers in. Whether infidelity was involved or not, if my H (or my ex-H) ever threatened to take my children away I would run and run fast, and take some pretty drastic steps to make sure he could not get near them without mediated discussions.