Dang, I just hate this waiting. Need to vent a bit here.

WH is moving out on February 1. He's had OW since July '03. Can't give her up ... I know, same old story.

When he moves out, I know it will be better to not have to deal with it on a daily basis, but I feel like I'm just waiting around for his answer. Will it be me or will it be her? He says it's not between her or me ... that he doesn't connect with me emotinally anymore and hasn't for years.

Yet he calls often, tells me to hang in there with him while he works through this. Says it isn't a mid-life crisis.

I don't know what to think anymore. I don't want to have the same marriage we had before. He was often condescending and critical of me, wanted to make all the decisions (yet he says that is something he hates to do).

It has been me, the kids and the dog for several years now. I thought that as the children grew, he would be more comfortable with them. He is spending more time with them now, but I want more. They need more. I want to be a team with my husband!

I guess yesterday Oprah was about marriages breaking up. Didn't see it, but it was about emotional connections. I guess OW will definitely win because they have a connection and we don't. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Do you feel like this?

And then sometimes I know everything will be better than it was before. That I will be with my husband, he'll be a great father and we'll all live happily ever after. The end.

Hi stung,

I'm right there with you.It feels like a nightmare to me.I just can't wake up.My WH has been away since December and I am in Plan B so in a way,the issue of us parting was already made and done.I have been waiting too,neither of us sure what to do.I want to work on the marriage,he doesn't but doesn't want to get divorce,last I heard anyway.It is a terrible way to live.

The only comfort in this is knowing that I have a great deal of support from my friends,family as well as WH side and they do not approve of WH actions or the homewrecker.And I have my home and the girls to help me get by but it's so hard.My WH wanted to talk to me too many times but I had to go into Plan B and stick to that because I was not going to hear one more time about his explanations for everything.Even my counselor said the same thing.He wasn't in counseling to help the marriage,only for his own agenda.

I take it your not in Plan B hence the talking? My WH used to say don't give up on me.I need to work through this.Same stuff you heard.

I just want to wake up from this dreadful dream and be ok again.It is so stressful continuing in this mess.I feel so drained.Hang in there stung.We're with you.

Try listening to The WHO cranked way up high to drown out the thoughts,that's what I do sometimes.God bless Roger Daltrey! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

o

Hi Stung

Why wait until Feb. 1 for H to move out. Pack his bags and have them waiting. Why prolong the pain. If this is "something he needs to do" wish him bon voyage and go to Plan B. DI it in a friendly attitude. You are the stonger one.

I do hope that thing do work out, sometimes it takes a shock that the BS is ready to move on that finally wakes up the WS. From the sound of it he wants to eat his cake. His fog talk doesn't mean anything. The life of lies and deceit include fooling himself and rewriting history.

Hold onto hope

Silver

<small>[ January 22, 2004, 05:47 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Originally posted by Stung by a Bee:

WH is moving out on February 1. He's had OW since July '03. Can't give her up ... I know, same old story.

Have you read "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson? An excellent read for someone in your position.

When he moves out, I know it will be better to not have to deal with it on a daily basis, but I feel like I'm just waiting around for his answer.

And he feels like he can delay making a choice if he thinks you are "just waiting around" for him to choose rather than making your own choices!!!!

Will it be me or will it be her?

And what type of man inflicts this mental anguish onto his WIFE? Is this a man you would choose? One who does not respect you?

The main thrust of Dobson's book is how to deal with a WS who has no respect for you.

If you are waiting around to be the "lucky gal" in his life .... you are a sitting duck!


He says it's not between her or me ... that he doesn't connect with me emotinally anymore and hasn't for years.

Then let him accept no further benifits from his relationship with you. Plan B.


Yet he calls often, tells me to hang in there with him while he works through this.

"Here wife, here is a small crumb of hope to dangle in front of you ... so you don't make a choice I might not like."

Says it isn't a mid-life crisis.

Ignore this. He's not logical.



I don't know what to think anymore.

Don't try and make sense out of clap-trap fence-sitting babble. His arguements are confusing you because they are NONsense.... please read Dobson's book.

I don't want to have the same marriage we had before.

You won't.It's gone forever.

He was often condescending and critical of me, wanted to make all the decisions (yet he says that is something he hates to do).

He is STILL trying to rob YOU of your choices. He is asking you to put your life on hold while he makes a new home with OW ..... and why are you not in Plan B?



It has been me, the kids and the dog for several years now. I thought that as the children grew, he would be more comfortable with them. He is spending more time with them now, but I want more. They need more. I want to be a team with my husband!

He is about to move in with OW.... time for a new plan.


I guess yesterday Oprah was about marriages breaking up. Didn't see it, but it was about emotional connections. I guess OW will definitely win because they have a connection and we don't.

This is YOUR clap-trap thinking now. Listen .... his "emotional connection" arguement is a fraud. Don't buy this real estate.

Pack his things, put them out the front door, and tell him, "My life is too important, and I am not going to wait for you to make up your mind. You want to go, please go now."

And then sometimes I know everything will be better than it was before. That I will be with my husband, he'll be a great father and we'll all live happily ever after. The end.

You better have a plan .... these things do NOT just happen.

Why not make a call to get counseling from the Harley's?

Pep

Hi Octobergirl and Stung.
Have you ever tried a similar plan to Carol's unique plan to heal her marriage and make her husband WANT her instead of the OW?

I was VERY intriqued by her story!
Here is the site if you haven't already read it;
it SURE worked for her!
I was VERY IMPRESSED!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=014880;p=1

I wish you both happiness and contentment whether it is with you husband or without him in your lives.
Sincerely, Julie

Carol's story is a gem.

Pep

Hi pep and blessed,

I have read carol's story before and while it is great for her,the situation doesn't really apply to me much.My WH is on the cusp of accepting a 2 year job in another state come March so the opportunity for WH to see any changes in me or that I am moving on with my life will be about one weekend a month,which is pretty hopeless for my situation,even if he did give up OW which so far it doesn't look like it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Da** career of his.

O

Stung, You are soon to be in the same boat as I am now. My WW has moved out into her love-nest. I must assume OM will be visiting her there on a regular basis.

She also tells me that she is struggling. We have met several times for dinner to discuss a few financial items and she tells me how she wants to continue to see me on a regular basis.

Alas, my heart cannot take the stress of seeing her and then leaving her, knowing that OM will probably be visiting at some unknown time.


I think Pepper's advice makes a lot of sense. I have copied it down and will put it into action soon. I have one last dinner scheduled with WW and I plan to be very charming and attentive, the last of my plan A efforts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My WH wanted to talk to me too many times but I had to go into Plan B and stick to that because I was not going to hear one more time about his explanations for everything. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WH doesn't really explain. I ask many questions and sometimes he answers. Many other BS have said how their WS have said how sorry they are, what were they thinking, etc. Hope we get to that point.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And he feels like he can delay making a choice if he thinks you are "just waiting around" for him to choose rather than making your own choices!!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was my choice for him to move out ... actually I wanted a divorce, but a few days later decided separation would be the way to go first.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And what type of man inflicts this mental anguish onto his WIFE? Is this a man you would choose? One who does not respect you?

The main thrust of Dobson's book is how to deal with a WS who has no respect for you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good point, pepperband! This is something I'm doing a lot of soul-searching about. He will have to make many changes (improvements) to himself before I will be satisfied with him. I love him, but love isn't enough to have someone treat you with disrespect.

I thought I had bought just about every book on this subject, but will have to get Dobson's.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is STILL trying to rob YOU of your choices. He is asking you to put your life on hold while he makes a new home with OW ..... and why are you not in Plan B?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She's not moving in with him, but I'm sure they'll be spending lots of time together. I have made it clear that he is not, under any circumstances, to have our children see her. Why am I not in Plan B? I may be headed there quickly. I've been thinking a lot about it lately.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Have you ever tried a similar plan to Carol's unique plan to heal her marriage and make her husband WANT her instead of the OW?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I remember reading that many months ago. It's interesting .....


Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott will be in our city in March to give a seminar on making bad relationships better and good relationships great. It is titled "Soul Mates," which I believe is their book. Checked it out from the library and perused a bit. Interesting. I will be attending by myself. Do you think that's weird? Actually, now I'm questioning whether I can attend by myself. I'll see.

Stung and all you other BS's, my heart breaks for you, and I hope for a happy resolution for all of you.

What reading your posts does for me is strengthen my resolve that I will never again put my H through what I did, and what you all are going through!!! I never felt that my H felt the anguish that all of you feel (mine never got far enough to moving out, thank G*d), but I am sure he felt it, and never shared it with me. I am finally at a point, that I am so sorry I did this to him!

Again, I hope the best for all of you. Keep up the strength!

Felina

Hi Stung

Hi hope there is a fairy tale ending for you...you deserve it.

Thanks Felina it is true that in reading the posts of the BS I have been better able to understand the desruction I caused my W.

I believe that you and your H still have that connection... it has been lost in the A and all of the circumstances we must deal with in our marriages. It is too bad that we (WS) stumble around in the dark looking for the "light of our lives" and we settle for the candle instead of the beacon.
H

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am finally at a point, that I am so sorry I did this to him!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I pray that my WH gets to this point soon. I don't know how much more pain I can take!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hi hope there is a fairy tale ending for you...you deserve it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hiker, thanks for your kind words. It always lift my day when I read your replies to me!