Hello all,

I have a couple of questions for those whove been where I'm at or on the other end. Right now as those who have seen my posts, my BS and I are separated. We are barred from speaking to one another by a no contact - temporary protective order right now that was a result of her being charged with domestic violence. I've recanted my statement that caused her to be charged in the 1st place. My reasons are my own but primarily deal with my love for our children and not wanting to see them torn apart. My oldest is my stepdaughter and her biological father is trying to use this to gain custody of her.

Anyways, I've been speaking with her attorney to help him get the no contact order revised so we can coordinate me calling to talk to the kids and visit with them. When the order is lifted (be 2 weeks probably) we will be able to talk. I should let her start the discussion is what I'm assuming. I just don't know how to react or what to say.. I've resolved to let go of control and stop trying to find out thru friends and family what hse's going to do... Whatever she decides to do she will decide to do it eventually.

I'm sorry for rambling... I'm just alone and scared. Noone who knows me thinks I'm sane right now. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for wanting to stay married. I miss my family so much.. My wife never knew it but I always wake up sometime between 2 and 3am to go to the bathroom and when I go I always checked on all of the kids. She never knew the nights when I'd climb back in bed or when I was sleeping in another room how I'd look in at her and just marvel at how much I love her. I'm hurting because I took for granted for so long how much a role she played in my life. I took for granted how big a part of me my children are. I took for granted what being in the family meant to me. Now that I cannot look in on them, or call home to talk to them, or kiss them goodnight, or just stare at her in the darkness, it hurts so damned much. I drive around with the radio off now unless I have it tuned to talk radio. I've almost wrecked twice this week because my mind is so preoccupied or I was crying so hard. I know I need to stop focusing on the possibility of divorce, but owning up to what I've done I can't help but dwell on what might happen.

I am taking the steps I need to take for change to happen for me. I need to do this for myself so that if my BS chooses to stay in our marriage I will not create the chaos and hurt in my life or anyone elses.

I need tips/advice on letting go of control. Infer what you can from my post.

-2soon

Trying to envision the future and how things will happen is natural, even though it cannot be done with any degree of accuracy. Its part of being human. The future never goes like you have imagined, so its better to focus on the now, and what you are doing to effect the future.

Make plans to do something in the future when you are together again. Do something now that will please her like buying a present or planning a Valentines day. Keep the house up and pay attention to your grooming so she dosen't have a mess to come home to.

Hi 2,
Here is a short list that would have helped me tremendously in my recovery if my FWS would have been willing to do them.

1. Accept responsibility for your actions. Tell your wife often that what you did was selfish and wrong and how stupid your actions were.

2. Apologize. Again, often and sincerely.

3. Answer her questions. Be honest. Don't be afraid to tell her EXACTLY what she wants to know.

4. Empathize. Understand just how much she hurts. You may be thinking that you are hurting, which of course you are, but remember, you are the one that caused the pain, she isn't.

Just some thoughts,
L

Noone who knows me thinks I'm sane right now. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for wanting to stay married.

who are you talking too?
and why would they think you are crazy for wanting to stay married...

speak what you want...regardless of what she brings to the talks...

speak with I words..
I don't want a divorce
I don't want the marriage we used to have..
I don't want to be that person again that hurt you...

lots of I words...
lots of focus on you and what you think YOU can do to work on things...

ark