Well, you dragged me over here, and I read the thread where you posted my "chronicles." So, here I am. I was never one to back down from a challenge. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I read through most of the thread - wow it was long. And, you know, I started feeling bad all over again about what I had done to my husband four years ago. No matter how honest you are, no matter how much you learn from this mess, you NEVER forget. You cannot forget what happened, because you can never relax. You can never take a "break" from marriage, it's a full-time thing. I'm not much of a gardener, but much like a garden, it needs nourishment to grow. So you cannot forget.

My affair lasted much less than yours, so my perspective is probably a lot different from yours. And I must say, I am TRULY thankful that I did not waste -I guess what appears to be for you, 10 years being involved in an A. It does not make me any better of a person because my A lasted less time. A mistake is a mistake. I'm just thankful that I came to an important realization before it was too late. You can still come to that realization, too.

That realization is, well, let me back up a minute (this is going to be long, so grab some coffee).

Anyway, I am your "classic WS." While there may be some uniqueness to my A from yours (i.e., it didn't last as long), we are pretty much all the same. MOST of us, not all, but MOST of us, didn't "go looking to have an affair" or at least that's what we say.

What started out as friendly conversation commuting to and from work, grew into friendship, and then grew into attraction. (This is kind of weird writing now, because at the time, I thought I was in love with the OM, but I thought that God would have never had "let this happen" if it weren't meant to be.) But I have always had an active imagination. But I digress. . .

Friendship, to EA, to PA - VERY quickly, I might add. At the very beginning, I felt guilt. In the middle, I felt guilt, and at the end I felt guilt. At the time, sadly, I felt guilt not so much that I loved my husband, but because I was lying and cheating. I knew what I was doing was wrong, was against my religious beliefs, etc. . .

I couldn't live with the lying and cheating so I confessed everything to my H.

This is going to be a mess, and I hope I don't miss making my point, but . . .

WSs do things that don't exactly lend itself to open and honest communication - we have a history and baggage. Once you tell one white lie, they just kind of keep getting bigger, and snowballing. And, even when we don't tell a lie, sometimes we leave out important tidbits of information. For example,

At one point during the affair, my H and I were out on the town, and I jokingly asked him (very deceptively, because I was already seeing the OM) what would happen if I had an affair.

Deep down, I think I wanted my H to say "I'd leave you in a minute, or I would never trust you again," for me, and I know it's weird, it would have meant that he didn't want to share me. His response to me at the time, and he was joking, but I took it COMPLETELY out of context was that "I don't care so long as you come home to me."

Well, baby, that was the green light I needed to continue with the affair. Everyone can see I was not being completely honest, I should have told him up-front what was going on then, but didn't. So, while I didn't actually lie, I ommitted important informaiton and, I hadn't changed my pattern of deception. I was being manipulative to meet my own needs, to get the answer I wanted - not the one I needed.

In all of the reading on the other thread you said a lot of things that were probably very disrespectful to a lot of people - particularly your husband - but I read it all with a grain of salt. I said SOME of the same things myself - and you know that's true JL. I even said more stupid stuff than you, Sarie. I had the gall to ask if the OM and I could "just be friends."

But, because your affair lasted 10 years, is no excuse to not follow the rules in rebuilding your marriage.

The OM is not a former lover, he is not your friend, he is not your acqaintance. He was a co-conspirator, he was the person who lead you away from your family, your h and your children for 10 years.

I am sorry to here about the loss of your son, but the loss of a marriage - well, you "lost" your husband, too, for 10 years - is just as devastating, if not more so. How can we raise healthy and happy children if our marriage is not strong, if the bond between H and W is not strong. The foundation of a family starts with that bond. This is not to say the death of your son was not devastating, but remember how you felt at that time. And in a lot of ways, that's how your H is feeling now. He "lost" what he thought was his wife, his friend, his partner for life, the mother of his children - - put yourself in that place for a moment.

I cannot, (well, I could hazard a guess, now) tell you why your affair occurred, or why it continued for so long, and why you may see it as true love, and loving two men at one time (ha, I thought that too).

I'm not making fun of you at all. And, I'm not judging you at all, I simply cannot do that.

But even though it lasted 10 years, that does not exactly make it love. And, I'll tell you why.

If someone loves you, truly loves you, they don't want to see you get hurt in any way, right? Then why did the OM continue the A for so long when you KNEW and he knew you would not leave your H or your family? Was it because he loved you for you that he continued the A? You may say yes, and that's valid at this point, but it will change, I hope later on in recovery - true recovery.

But, I'm going to go out on a limb and say the OM didn't love you for you. He didn't even have the courage to respect your wishes to stay married and leave you alone (which is what he should have done). He pursued you despite being married. What kind of person does that? A romantic one, you would say. A selfish one, I would contend.

He loved how you made him feel, you filled an emply space, a hole that needed filling. I'm sure you're a great person with many, many positive attributes - be them physical, mental, or speculatively, spiritual.

However, if he loved you for you, he would have known how conflicted you were about the loving two men at one time thing. He would have respected the vow you made to your H. He would have left you alone. If he had any courage to speak of he would have admitted that what he was doing was wrong, asked for your forgiveness and moved on with his life without. He didn't. He was selfish. He didn't care as much for you as he did for himself. And, you know what, you WERE replaceable (e.g., new woman in his life).

It's not some romantic adventure, it was greed on his part. Maybe he wanted to marry you, but obviously you didn't want to leave your family. Why could he not respect that? He wasn't a friend, friends support you, help you THROUGH difficult times, not into them.

Do you know the only reason I didn't leave my H for the OM? And, I can be honest with myself now. It's really very sad, but the only reason that I didn't leave my H - at the beginning of the A - was because I was afraid of what people would think - about me. I was most concerned about what my parents would think. I was concerned about me.

But you know, that's the one thing that kept me in my marriage, and for whatever reason - I didn't want to use that as my only reason for staying married, but it was what I built upon.

For any BSs who may be reading, I know what I just wrote really sucks. But, being in the fog is like being another person. It's very hard to explain because, now, the affair seems like a nightmare that happened to someone else, and it did really. I'm still the same me, but I don't know, it was like all of a sudden I got clarity.

The reasons for staying in a marriage for a WS - at the beginning, during the fog - probably vary a lot. Mine was completely selfish - I was afraid of what people would think about me. I also had a strong incling that adultery is wrong, a dash of I'm Catholic and we don't do this, and a whole heap of H is a good person, he doesn't deserve this.

The other thing, my H was a friend, and I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. We had no children, so if we got divorced, there would have been nothing (like kids) to keep us in contact. I probably would have lost him forever, and I didn't want that. I doubt you want that from your H as well.

So, I did this thing I imagined that the OM was dead. I kept thinking. . .If the OM died, was no longer in my life, would I be upset? During the fog, the answer was yes. . .However, somehow I knew my life would go on without him.

When I did the same exercise with my H as the dead guy, I couldn't even imagine how I would start my day.

For whatever reasons, you stayed married to your H - even during the affair. Whatever those reasons are - whether it was for the kids, or for the security, or just because you wanted to save your reputation, the POINT (here it comes) is that you CHOSE to stay in your marriage.

And, you continue to choose your marriage. I don't want to know why, but you should figure out why, and build upon that.

Secondly, if you choose your marriage, you need to do EVERYTHING you can to make it the best possible marriage you and your H can have. If for no one else, your H deserves that. He chose to live with you, when he could have (as I think Melodylane? put it) thrown you to the curb -
that says something about a man, a woman, anyone. He may not have completely forgiven, and I'm certain he hasn't forgotten (and he's probably in a state of shock), but for someone to not kick your a-- to the curb, when you crushed him beyond imagination, his self-esteem, the truth as he knew it, all in one fell swoop - well, it says something about him.

And, I would contend, my friend, that "something" is love.

Your husband, no matter what else is going on, loves you. It may just be a small spark, and maybe your marriage has been reduced to burnt embers, but you can use those embers to build a bigger fire - if you add some logs and fire starter things (my H is the Eagle Scout, not me, but you get the point).

Embers die out eventually, unless you do something that keep the fire going. And, you don't just want some measely fire that just keeps your hands warm at night. You want a fire that warms your hands and your heart - from the inside out. You want a fire that you toast marshmallows on, a fire you can watch the flames dance for hours and hours.

So, before I start sounding like a pyromaniac, what are those logs?

- honest and open communication; no you cannot force your husband to talk to you about the affair, about the problems - perhaps in your marriage (he may not even know what they are, I didn't know and my H didn't really know), but maybe you start talking about other things - besides the affair and your marriage - first (saw this on Dr. Phil). You need to start talking honestly.

- No contact AT ALL with the OM. This is a hard one for most WSs, and it was hard for me, too. It is like being an alcoholic. I thought about the OM CONSTANTLY at first. Remembered every word he ever said to me, kept every email, every letter, everything (and actually, there wasn't a whole lot, he was pretty cheap). But, just because it is over now, doesn't mean it was hard then (no disrespect to the BSs here). It is like a drug, and literally, I had to take every minute at a time, until I worked up to an hour of no contact. Then, I had to go day, by day, then week by week. At the time, I NEVER thought I could make it a day without talking to the OM, much less the four years it has been.

- Get rid of EVERYTHING the OM ever gave you. This is not some high school sweetheart who may bring back good memories of the old days. He should remind you of the worst mistake you ever made, 10 years of lost time, and who needs to think about all those negative things?

This is a man who almost - and the jury's still out on this one - destroyed your marriage. He is not a friend, he is not a sweetheart, and he is most CERTAINLY not the lost love of your life.

He was disrespectful to your H and partner, he was disrespectful to your family. I'm sure you are a great person, but one thing I have learned is that I could have met and fallen in love - probably with anyone. But I chose to marry my H, and after four years, I can honestly say why - he loved me for who I am, not what I do, not for how much money I make, not for how cute I am (and I am, right JL????), but he loved me for me - and you know I think that's all any of us are looking for in life - someone to love and suport us. He's done that for you by letting you hang around, but you haven't done to much for him lately. And even if you're questioning whether you love your H at all, you loved him enough at one point to marry him and have not one but four kids with him - that's love sister. While it may not be the same now, you did and maybe still do love him. Focus on that and not your feelings for the OM.

-- AT some point, and I don't know when it happens, it took awhile for me, you have to stop thinking about yourself. At first EVERYTHING was about me, me, me. I talked about my feelings - and you have to do that. But I also thought about my H and my marriage.

My rule for you would be: that everytime you post here, somewhere in your message, you write something, anything about how you think your husband is feeling, or what he is thinking.

OR, buy him something, a candy bar he likes. Take him somewhere he likes to eat. Cook him his favorite dish. Do something for your H - anything - on a daily basis - even if it is to just call and say hi, I'm thinking about you.

This may seem simple and naive and not quite what BS are looking for, a candy bar, but for WSs it takes some kind of ACTION to shift our focus from ourselves, from our feelings to the BS. So, start slow. . .a phone call, a candy bar. . .

I also learned that yes, life is meant to be enjoyed to the fullest, but you don't know what your missing if you don't commit 100% to rebuilding your marriage. Mine is better now than I ever hoped for, even when I got married.

Having said that, our marriage is not perfect, but we love each other dispite the inperfections.

I'm cutting you some slack, right now, because I do think you are in the fog and missing the OP is real for WS - but it should not and can not last forever. . .If it does, you're cheating yourself, and, honestly, you are still cheating on your H and family. And, really, the only reason you cannot get past the feelings for the OM is because you haven't DONE anything to get past them, you don't want to. For whatever reason, you need to want to get past those feelings - even if that reason seems petty to the BSs on this board

My H never really posted on this site, maybe once or twice under my name, with me. But I showed him everything I wrote. It was hard to show him the ones where I was thinking about the OM, wondering if we could be friends. But, my H was very calm about things - it was amazing.

When I asked if I could be friends with the OM, he actually said "Okay, as long as you can promise me that you'll only be friends."

Well, after thinking about it, THAT's what got me into this mess to begin with - friendship with another man.

FYI, my H and I never sought marriage counseling, though we wanted to at the beginning. We procrastinated a lot, and deep down, I think we wanted to forget and move on and the counselor would "make us talk about it." So, maybe we swept it under the rug to some extent (only me, my H and the OM know about the A). And, now after four years, we have no intention of telling people - but it would be easier now, I think then back then. But here's the thing, another cool thing about my H.

At one time, I told my H that since we didn't go to counseling, he could talk to his friends about things, if he needed to (understanding that sometimes you need a second opinion kind of thing). But he told me early on

"SKM (almost used my real name, ha, anyway) you are the only person I need to talk to this about. This is between you and me. I don't want this to hang over your head for the rest of your life. I don't want other people to think badly of you, or to talk about this behind our backs. It's between you and me."

Wrong or right, my H showed that he cared more about me than the OM was even capbable of. That's love Sarie, real love.

Anyway, I'm not exactly back from retirement, but I'll post on this thread if it generates any interest, and if Sarie, you really want your marriage to survive (and thrive), talk to me.

I apologize, in advance for the length of this message, and to anyone who doesn't know my story. I'm sure to offend someone, at some point, but just know that I still don't have all of the answers, but I know what has worked for my H and I. It may not apply to everyone's situation, and you may not agree, but I put it all out there, so take it as you want to.

And, Sarie, do you want to know what real love is? Another amazing thing my H did shortly after I confessed the A. . .And, this is a little known fact to most of the posters here - except for the oldtimers - my H sent me a card, shortly after d-day. It was just a run of the mill card that said

"I made a list of the top 100 things I like to do with you." Inside the card, it was printed "1. Kiss and hug and stuff 2. repeat 99 times."

However, my H crossed out "99 times" and wrote 98 times and added "3. spend the rest of my life with you."

And, this comes from a man who doesn't send me flowers on our anniversary or for my birthday. He's never written me a poem or thankfully a goodbye letter. He's never given me expensive presents or even little surprises, but this meant more to me than anything in the world. That card, and not one email or letter from the OM, is what I hang on to.

Maybe your H isn't "the romantic" type, but don't be surprised at what he is capable of. . .BS are capable of amazing things. Don't jip your husband out of the chance to amaze you. Not because he has to, but because he may just want to.

<small>[ January 23, 2004, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: SKM 2 ]</small>

Excellent post, SKM.
It will probably need to be bumped in a week or two when Sarie comes back from their trip to FL.

SKM,
Thanks so much for posting this. Your post brought tears to my eyes. For you to have taken the time to write from your heart to help someone you don't even know says alot about you. As a FWS, I have to say that it is people like you who have helped me get to the point I am today.

Even though I'm not in the fog, (affair was over in Dec. of 02) I still struggle with the reality of the A, and the consequences. And yes, occassional thoughts of OM. It is good to hear from someone who has been successful in rebuilding her marriage.

I can't wait til Sarah gets back.....I know she will read this. I believe she is sincere in wanting to get through this. We will have to make sure this gets bumped back to the top. Thanks again.

<small>[ January 23, 2004, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: diane1223 ]</small>

Hi SKM

Thanks so much for your post. I am a FWS (I hate tags), that couldn't save her M, but managed to save myself by coming here and listing to the wise old folks like JL, CoffeeMan, Pep, SS etc. etc. (so many really helped) - oops, apologies for calling you folks old <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JL pointed me in the direction of your chronicles early on - like you say in your post, so much the same about how we are, but also so much uniqueness in our situations. It was great to see you again here in person trying to help somone out. I too have tried to help Sarie, but your post is much more eloquent and fluent than I could ever be, and of course, you recovered your M.

Thanks again for sharing. It gives hope to many people to see happy endings.

With all good wishes to you and your family.
Lisa

4give - Thanks for letting me know that Sarie was on vacation. I fyou know her, maybe you can help me bump this up when she comes back. I'm not really a regular anymore. And there's so many threads running. . .

Diane - Thanks for your message. Former WS alwyas made me feel like a former prom queen who had lost some luster from her tiara. I hate labels, but there is definitely a difference between a WS and a FWS. Though you know there are setbacks occasionally, congratulations on making it this far. Heck congratulate yourself for being alive! Some people know, some don't, but during the first, horrible year after DDay - I tried to kill myself twice. (Lesson learned there, never take a bottle of allergy medication with a bottle of vodka. You pass out before you do any real damage, but I lost my sense of smell for about 6 months). I can laugh about it now, but God it was pitiful.

All I can say, each year gets better. I'm not real good with dates anymore (and that's huge, when you need to stop and think when all this happened anyway). . .But I had several setbacks during recovery - not with OM or A stuff, but health wise, had some surgeries, had a baby in 2002, but shortly after I had my son, H and I saw the OM at our church! He was thinking about moving to our area during the A and I guess he did it, but talk about flashbacks. I thought I was going to get zapped by lightening the very second I saw him.

I don't know if he saw me or not, but I was playing with my baby - who is adorable and I had absolutely no regrets about staying in my marriage, my H is an awesome H and father.

I still have the same commute as when the A happened, but only occasionally do I think about the OM, and it's definitely not a "longing to be with," but the physical reminders for me I cannot change, you learn to live with them.

Did you ever see "A beautiful Mind?" That guy was nuts - he didn't want to take his medication, but yet he didn't want the visions either. Somehow, though, he learned to control them. They were still there, but it was almost like he ignored them when he could and just "dealt" with them when he couldn't.

Active minds are always thinking, but when you get in a funky mood, just concentrate on your H or your friends, or doing something for yourself -like getting a manicure, because, believe it or not, you have come a long way. I was a mess for about a year and a half, and to some extent I'm still a mess, but in other ways, just don't get too down on yourself, I've been there too, and it's not helpful to you or your marriage. You're a good person, who just happened to make a mistake, a huge one, but if your h is willing to forgive you and at least try. . .that's a great start.

Lisa -

Hi, sorry I don't know your story. While my situation was such that I was basically given everything necessary to recover my marriage, not all situations are that way. I just try to do my best to encourage WS to give their marriage at least one year and then see what happens. Sadly, some marriages don't recover, and it's not because anyone is a bad person or didn't try hard enough, sometimes bad things happen to good people. And, good people do some rotten things sometimes. We're not perfect, but if you can live with yourself and learn from your mistakes, that makes a huge difference.

Anyway, thanks for posting. It's always very helpful to me to hear from FWS - especially the ladies who are FWS. It doesn't make me feel good that we're in the same boat, but at least I'm not paddling by myself.

SKM - You continue to amaze me with your openness. Thanks for running the risk of opening old wounds by posting.

Perhaps it will help sooth any painful thoughts to know that your posting also goes a long way to helping BS's "understand" what goes through the mind of a WS. I guess that's why I loved your Chronicles so much when I first arrived here. And now this post gives even more insight about how things may be after several years of recovery.

God bless.

SKM:

JL pointed me 2 your chronicles almost 2 years ago, just after I found out about my W's A.

I cant' think of anything you've just said that could possibly (more precisely, SHOULD) be taken as hard 2 hear. Everything you said is right on, and so applicable 2 both the WSs and the BSs on this board. As a BS, I can see the things in your post that my FWW has "accomplished" and a few that she hasn't. I'm not fond of labels either, but I am delighted 2 say that I believe that we're in true recovery right now, even though we still have long periods of time where we get stuck and don't seem 2 get anywhere. But insisting on using labels can be a stumbling block 2 progress itself, however unintentionally.

vigilence is the key.

Thank you for coming back and posting this. I know it will help Sarie!

best,
-ol' 2long

SKM,

Thank you for writing this. You have given insight once again that is invaluable. I never ask my FWH to come here; it's too painful for him - but I may ask that he read this. Thanks, CSue

Just bumping this up for Sarie. Thanks.

Hello, SKM... and BIG HUGS!

Oh, how I've missed you! Your words are so beautiful to read.

Blessings to you and your two "boys" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Love, ~Marie

OHMY -

Hey, sorry to see you are still hanging out here, but I am glad you responded to my message. It brought back memories. . .

I hope all is well with you. I don't post much, anymore, but logged on a couple of weeks ago to see how things were shakin on MBuilders.

I don't know any of the new names, and still get sad to know that so many people are touched by infidelity.

Sarie is a WS so I thought I'd check to see if I still "had it" in me to try and help out when I can.

Life is good with me and my family, so I'm just going to say hi and bump this up for Sarie. Talk to you later.

SKM--

My family is well... My H and I have been doing especially WONDERFUL over this past year. I'm calm, rested, and HAPPY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !

BTW, I consider it somewhat of a fluke that we even "connected" here at MB-- as I RARELY ever post anymore.

For some odd reason, I tend to peek in at certain times of the year-- my birthday was this past week and for whatever reason I decided to stop in to see if I saw any familiar names... and there you were!

I came back today just to see if you got my message. Will probably not check back again for a while-- I sometimes go as long as 8-12 months between visits... which is, of course, a VERY good thing for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Hugs, ~Marie

Hi SKM,

I don't know if you remember me, but as you can tell, I'm an old timer. My registration date is "A Long Time Ago!" I take long breaks...then I come back and lurk and occasionally post.

Anyway, can I ever identify. As a WS I never thought I would live through it. I never actually tried to end my life, but there were many, many dark days that I wished it would end.

It's amazing how much of it (and the pain) I have forgotten. But as the song says "time is a healer". Some things you don't ever forget, but you don't feel the pain like you did. You learn from the experience and feel the strength you have gained instead of the pain.

Thank you for coming back and sharing encouraging words. They have encouraged me in the past.

Don't you always feel like: "if I lived through this and my marriage survived and thrived, others can too!"

Susan

Thanks SKM for taking the time to write this message.
I was able to read it from the library in Tampa on Monday but was unable to answer until after we got home last night.

I am sure it brought back a lot of memories that you would rather not think about.
Like all the heartache you caused your husband and the guilt you felt and still feel for what you did. .

This is one of things you wrote that stood out for me:
"I'm cutting you some slack, right now, because I do think you are in the fog and missing the OP is real for WS - but it should not and can not last forever. . .If it does, you're cheating yourself, and, honestly, you are still cheating on your H and family. And, really, the only reason you cannot get past the feelings for the OM is because you haven't DONE anything to get past them, you don't want to. For whatever reason, you need to want to get past those feelings - even if that reason seems petty to the BSs on this board."

That is soooo true! I am sure I do not want to forget because if I can easily just forget, then I am admitting that what my OM and I had ,was not sincere love for one another!

Actually, when the OM or the OW are blamed for destroying another's marriage;
I disagree. I put the MOST blame on the WS.
After all, it is OUR marriage, OUR vows we are breaking to our husbands, OUR children, parents and church friends we are hurting....if we do not feel that tremendous responsibility, how can we expect an outsider to care all that much?

My husband and I had a wonderful bonding time on our Florida vacation. He opened up as we walked on a quiet private beach. We talked, we cried, I apologized again from the bottom of my heart for the pain I caused him, he forgave me AGAIN!

I never stopped loving him, even during my affair and this is true.
It always was and still is, my husband, that I wanted to grow old with!

SKM, on a post you had written in "Recovery', I read how you felt SO good to be forgiven by your husband and God. (Yes, you and I are both very very fortunate to have forgiving husbands!)

I finally also feel the blessed forgiveness!
Until I was WILLING to 'repent' and turn away from my sin of still being in contact with the OM, I could not ask forgiveness from God or my husband.
('Repenting' means not repeating that same behavior!)

I does make for a happy spirit inside my heart being headed in the right direction, I am singing and smiling more and more. I know my husband likes to be around a happy wife!
No longer lying and sneaking feels SO GOOD as well as having an honest relationship with my husband once again.

And we absolutely DO have hot embers of love, they never were distinguished!
Thank God.
I am trying to ONLY look back, as a reminder to never repeat past mistakes.

Have I forgotten the OM and the memories we shared? Of course not!
But TIME is going to diminish my feelings for him, just as TIME always pushes sorrows and grief to the back of our minds.

During the affair, especially the first year, it was as if the decision to be with the OM was almost made for me, IT had control of me and was STRONGER than my will to remain faithful.

Quite unbelievable because I NEVER in my wildest dreams thought I would be a cheating wife. NEVER!
But I am wiser and stronger now and I accept the OM will forever be unreachable and untouchable and he HAS to be avoided (No contact between us) for the healing of my H and my marriage.

Thanks again, SKM, you are a wonderful and insiteful lady.
Had you not had your affair, you would not be here helping others.
Give that little sweetie girl a hug and kiss from us at the messge board! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Love, Sarah

I am now a forgiven FWW instead of a cheating WW. It feels pretty darn good to be able to HONESTLY say that! ~~Peace~~

I owe a great deal to many here at the MB that helped direct me on the right road.
Thanks so much from my heart!

<small>[ January 29, 2004, 07:29 AM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>

Sarah
I'm so glad you are back and that things went well with your husband.

Keep us posted....expect some rough moments...both you and him will have them. Remember it takes some time to recover...but it sounds as if recovery has started between the two of you. You can gain alot of support from this message board.

I agree....it does feel so good to be free of the lies and deception. I often think of my husband as a 'hero' because he rescued me from my destructive behavior when he confronted me about the A.

Good luck...keep reading and posting. Don't be afraid to be honest here....you may get blasted for posting your true thoughts from some people, but there are many who have been through what you are experiencing, and can help you. I know that has been true with me.
Diane

I thought I would move this up in case SKM didn't notice Sarie's reply.

Thanks, Blessed Time, for Bumping this up for me. I've been sick the past few days and haven't been able to log on. Bumping this thread, made it easier for me to find.

Sarie - I'm glad you re-connected with your husband in Florida. In your message, you said:
"I am sure I do not want to forget because if I can easily just forget, then I am admitting that what my OM and I had ,was not sincere love for one another!"

In time, you will find that it was not love, not like the love you and your H have. The admitting it was not love or that it just "wasn't meant to be" was hard for me, because to admit that it wasn't love, was to admit - really that I was wrong. The OM filled your needs, you filled his, but in time, you will see that it really wasn't love.

Love means many things to many people, I guess, but in time, I think you will probably regret all of the time you spent with the OM, all the time you missed from being "with" your family, both physically and mentally. Because, while you were there, you weren't. I only experienced that not being there for a few months, but I really do regret the four months I lost with my family. It comes with time, I just pray the realization of time lost doesn't hurt you too much.

You also said in your message "Actually, when the OM or the OW are blamed for destroying another's marriage; I disagree. I put the MOST blame on the WS."

I just wanted you to understand, that I do not blame the OP for the A. However, we as WSs need to accept responsibility for our actions. Only after we accept responsibility for our actions can we begin to "fix" things. So, just understand, I was not blaming the OP for your affair. You made the decision, just like I did, to do the wrong thing. However, you must also accept that the OP had SOME role in the A. I'm sure you were not the one chasing him for over 10 years, right? Just as you need to accept resonsbility for your actions, you also need to see that the OM is NOT your friend.

My character, at the time of the affair, if you held it up to the light, would have looked like an half-eaten piece of swiss cheese. Lots of wholes in my character, too many to get into now. But just as I claim responsbility for my actions, I also know that I had a lot of problems. I'm not making excuses, but I had to admit those flaws in my character before I could become a better person.

But as rotten as I was, the OM was just as bad. He had no moral integrity. He knew I was married, he didn't break it off, I did. Maybe that's the difference between us. It sounds as if the OM broke it off with you before you had the cahnce to see him for what he is.

I NEVER advocate disliking another person, or judging another person, but you do need to see the OM for who he was, too. He wasn't MR. Perfect, that's for sure. And, in time, I hope that you will see that.

You also said "After all, it is OUR marriage, OUR vows we are breaking to our husbands, OUR children, parents and church friends we are hurting....if we do not feel that tremendous responsibility, how can we expect an outsider to care all that much?"

I never expected the OP to care about my family, and he didn't. That's pretty obvious. It was my vows and my marriage, that's why I take full responsibility for everything. I never once blamed my H for anything, and I never blamed the OP.

This is really getting deep, but, for a long time, not only did I feel like I had sinned, gone against God's "Top 10," but I also came to realize that I had led the OM into sinning as well. He pursued me, but I should have said no. In not saying no, I sometimes felt double responsbility - if you know what I mean. But, the things I needed to work on were between me and God. And, then of course, between me and my H. After a while, I forgave myself, and it's tough.

Sometimes, I think people view the WSs as unremorseful, selfish, self-centered. And, at the time of the A, and early recover, I was. But, now, and I guess that's why I'm different, I FULLY understand the consequences of my actions - both in trashing my vows and in leading someone else down the wrong path. I should have been a stonger person. I should have been a better person. I should have known better.

I'm glad you and your husband are talking. It takes a lot of talking, and even more listening, to get through this.

You said "I never stopped loving him, even during my affair and this is true. It always was and still is, my husband, that I wanted to grow old with!"

That's good. That's the same way I felt and what broke me out of the fog. So, hang in there, and just take each day as it comes, each day is another chance to build a stronger you and a stronger marriage. Take care.

Another great post, SKM.

Thanks,
-ol' 2long