I know, I know. I could not even go a month. It was killing me. I found some good stuff online, about affairs and the thought processes and the things they say and it was EXACTLY what she says.

I simply cut and paste and sent it. I titled it "does any of this sound familiar?" I also added how her behavior is affecting the children, I stated what is really going on, but then simply said I know that you will only take this and rationalize why things are the way they are. I told her that I do not want to push her away and I ended it.

The reason I had to send it was because I feel that the more reality is put on her the more uncomfortable she will become with him. She has isolated herself for a reason; so she can feel the most comfortable in this relationship away from her children. No one else contacts her. But as SOON as the face of reality reveals itself, she is then reminded and she becomes uncomfortable, angry, resentful (usually at the person who reveals it to her). I tried to counter that reaction towards me this time by predicting exactly what she will say and feel by reading it. The article stated exactly what she will do when confronted with reality. Knowing her like I do, she will try not to respond like this. All in all, she will 1) feel uncomfortable once again by this situation 2)realize what the children are beginning the think and feel 3) is reminded that her lifestyle is not what it should be (reality check). I know she will hate me for this initially. I know she will step back and try to step closer to him (oh, I sent him a copy too. It will make him uncomfortable too, so when they are in bed screwing the words will haunt both of them. Words are powerful you know?).

So, I broke plan B, but I am right back to it. I won't email her or call her.

Oh, solon.

You do realize, don't you, that you can't "educate" a WS? You know this will only convince her and OM that you are a control freak, right?

I *know* there is a 2x4 lying around here somewhere... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I've never done Plan B but I gather from the posts on here how incredibly hard it is. I considered it, when things were darkest and I was at my lowest, but I didn't have the strength for it. Best wishes to you for better success in your very difficult undertaking.

I know, turtlehead <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I was just so angry and I was so amazed by the stuff...I need some moral support.

If anyone out there could send me either their email addresses or numbers so I can get in touch with them so they can convince me not to do anything like this I would appreciate it (solonp@earthlink.net). I could not even go a month without contacting her! I am so angry with myself right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Solon,

Try not to beat yourself up too badly. Take this and learn from it, that's all you can really do. I figured you knew what you'd done by the "tone" of your post. I hope I wasn't too hard on you.

Although I've never had to do Plan B, I have made plenty of mistakes - as have we all. Some I made unwittingly and others I knew it was a mistake at the time and would set me back some but OOHHHH! Impatience is my biggest stumbling block. I want it all fixed NOW. After that, I'd say my biggest stumbling block is that I want it fixed MY way. I have my own collection of 2x4s, all sizes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

That *was* an amazing article on the four phases an addict goes through, wasn't it?

It really was amazing. It made sense too! She hates to be reminded and sometimes I feel if she is reminded enough she will just say, "to heck with it, I'm coming home".

A month is great!!! Some folks (myself included) don't get that far. Don't beat yourself up over it. You realized it wasn't such a great idea and are back.

Watch the LBs though. From your past posts your negative attitude permeates. This email was another LB, very disrespectful and judgemental...assuming you know her. I know, I know we all feel like we do, but let her be.

This makes me wonder, how good a Plan A did you do? How were you able to cut out the LBs and were you fulfilling her most important ENs. Harley says a womans most common high ENs are conversation, financial support, honesty, affection, (and I'm forgetting one...)

Have you truly made changes in yourself, and have seen the role you've played in the trouble (not the A, but the trouble) in your M?

Sorry for the 2x4. But you need to show her she will be coming home to a better M.

solon:

More likely than not, she will not reply at all and you will have no idea what effect it had on her.

I tried 2 do stuff like that with my FWW, 2. Having her here the whole time was sometimes maddening. When we were doing best, we simply weren't talking about our R at all. At worst, I was trying 2 educate her with something or we were arguing about something. Absolutely every time I tried 2 educate her, it either backfired or she wouldn't respond. She never responded 2 my emails like the one you sent your W.

Having said that, I'll now put my 2x4 away and simply say that this is a process. You can't really do "wrong" so long as you're on a path of personal growth. These things tend 2 delay progress, but they also give you experience dealing with an unusual si2ation.

So, by all means don't beat yourself up over it.

Take care,
-ol' 2long

Solon, you've got mail with a 2x4 in it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />