Hello,

Someone told me on another board that infidelity is quite common after the death of a child. Any thoughts on this? My H and I had a son in April and he passed away due to complications. Seven months later, my husband has an A. And now she's pregnany...how nice.

Yeah it's common after major events in life.
Moving across country, changing jobs/careers, death of a parent or child and such

Read the links below.

Unfortunately, it is very common. The loss makes it hard for the couple to reconnect. However, it can be done. good luck and god bless..

Well I do know very few marriages survive the loss of a child. Often there seems to be some form of blaming each other for the loss and blaming of themselves.

This guilt tends to drive down the self esteem of both spouses. Low self esteem often leads to affairs.

Also any major stress like this seems to amplify any existing problems in a marriage.

So while its not fair it is quite common.

According to statistics, after the loss of a child 75 to 90% of marriages end up in divorce within five years. See below from Emily's Foundation.

The ultimate reason for the extraordinary divorce statistic among the bereaved is that marriage partners grieve very differently. Each marriage is made up of a male and a female and two separate personalities. This dual difference accounts for endless combinations of how a couple may cope with the death of their child.

Men and women grieve differently. Understandably, it is common knowledge that men and women look at many aspects of life differently - much to the delight and frustration of each other. But when a life event - the death of a child - cuts to the heart and leaves its victim stunned and bewildered, those differences can be more than frustrating - they can be destructive and devastating.

There are typical male/female differences. These differences can be interchangeable. Some women may have a more typically male response to grief and vice versa. But, the fact is, seldomly do they react the same.
Three realistic examples of differences between husband and wife are:

1) The male reaction to deep grief is often to close up, burying the hurt so deep inside that he can pretend not to feel it. He distances himself from reminders of his pain; one of those reminders is often his wife and family. A man is often unaware of the depth of his pain and therefore does not see warning signs. Physical ailments begin to crop up as a result of "internal grieving".

A woman often wants to express every painful feeling that she is experiencing and reaches out for a "strong shoulder to cry on" and a sympathetic ear. Of course, she wants that strong shoulder to be that of her husband but that is not always the case. She is able, however, to confide in a close friend or relative in order to keep talking out her grief. Usually, bereavement support groups are more highly attended by women. A woman is more likely to seek the professional help of a counselor because, not only is she willing but she is also better able to recognize her need for help.

2) Often a man will bury himself in his work or hobby, which he uses to absorb his mind and distract himself away from painful thoughts and memories. In doing this he is also making himself unavailable for family time together and communications with his wife and family becomes more and more infrequent.

Sometimes a woman may be so physically overcome by her grief that she is literally incapable of getting out of bed for days, weeks and sometimes even months. Just getting dressed is so difficult that it is easier just not to. Throwing herself into work seems inconceivable and long periods of absence from her job are common. Previously fun things no longer hold any interest and social functions go unattended.

3) Sometimes the male reaction to loss is to reject any efforts to talk about his child. Although he may be physically present, he is unwilling to discuss his grief, his memories of his child, his fears and disappointments that are the result of the loss of this child. His wife may have a real need and desire to talk about their child and remember happy times and funny occasions but he feels threatened by the pain memories create and refuses to participate in any such discussions.

She, much more than her husband, has a strong need to talk about her child. Retrieving pictures and old toys and mementos, she longs to share with her husband stories and memories of the past and also to recount the events of the child's death and funeral. The loss seems to be intensified when healing talks with her husband are impossible.

Additionally, a variable that is too multiple to describe in detail is the personality factor. The previous gender stereotypes are convoluted into a thousand or more variations when each person's own individual approach to life, love and loss is added to the equation.

The human result is a husband and a wife, cut open by grief, bleeding from the heart, inwardly begging their mate to fill the gaping hole and make it stop hurting. Of course, two critically injured people cannot heal each other. As the days and weeks drag into months and years, their isolation from each other creates a chasm that they did not realize was widening as they each sought to heal their own wound.

Emily's Foundation offers couples help in understanding their differences - see "Marriage Conference Scholarships"and "HomeBuilders" on Programs page.

I am sorry for your loss. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I too, have lost a child to death. My son Andrew, was almost 4 yrs old when he passed away in his sleep on September 11, 2000 (no cause of death was ever determined... but I have managed to come to closure on my own).

In my situation, my H was already involved in A's at the time of Andrew's death, but things sure did intensify! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> One of his first post death A's was with a family friend, whose daughter used to be a playmate of Andrew's. This OW and her H had also attended one of the viewings... a 2 hour drive from our homes!!! That REALLY hurt, let me tell you. This particular PA was going on shortly after 4 months of Andrew's passing, and while I was pregnant with twins (who were born one month after that; by emergency c-section).

It is wonderful that you have found this site. I can assure you, that you will find much comfort and support here.. and will be amazed at how many people are in similar situations as yourself. You are not alone.

If you haven't yet chosen to do so, I highly recommend grief counselling... either via an IC or in a group environment. You will need to deal with the loss of your son first and foremost, as you work on being the best you you can be (assuming you are just starting all of this, and are beginning your plan A).

Welcome to MB... and be sure to post as often as you need. Please feel free to tell us more about your son as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

My wife's A started 2 1/2 months after her father died.

H's affair started with crosscountry move and new job.

Hmmmm - how to respond?

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

I think Chris gave the best answer. Major life events are frequently the catalyst for an affair. But only a catalyst. I believe there are a LOT of other factors in the mix.

Like Topie, I lost a child. I believe my XW's inability to grieve was a major factor for her to seek refuge with her best friend's husband, father of our closest neighbor family, one of our son's blood donors, one of his pallbearers. But, by far, it wasn't the only factor.

But I didn't have an affair. OM didn't lose a child but he had an affair - stabbed me in the back after laying my child to rest.

So, as you can see from my vantage point, no more than 50% of parents who lose a child have affairs. And some people are SO selfish that they would invade a grieving family fully knowing what had just transpired and wanting to play Daddy to my remaining son. Go figure.

So, yes, infidelity is quite common after the loss of a child - or it isn't. I know a lot of families who drew closer - recognizing the preciousness of family and life that such a loss can illuminate. Infidelity is quite common among people who haven't lost a child, or who have no children. See? There are no quarantees.

But one thing is absolutely 100% certain - all infidels are selfish, at least momentarily, and some are permanent scum bags.

Thanks for the opportunity to vent.

WAT- Sorry that this happened to you. But the statistics are not good. After you lose a child, both people in marriage have a huge problem. Both are hurting, and both need support.

Also both need to grieve the loss, but sometimes it does not work out. In your time of need, spouse is needy too. Both need to support each other, but sadly that does not happen.

I do not intend to reply with an answer to your marriage issues as I am new and am learning myself.
But i did want to post and say I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. This must be hard enough to go through, I cant imagine.
God Bless,
Jodie.

But I don't see the connection between our son dying and him sleeping with someone else? That would be hard for me to cope with since I was the one who had all the complications when I was pregnant. I spend my whole life trying not to blame myself, but now it makes it even harder. I miss my son so much and now the other half of me is gone as well. I don't think life could get any worse. Thank the Lord for family and friends.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by antoniablaze:
<strong> But I don't see the connection between our son dying and him sleeping with someone else?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There may or may not be a connection.

It doesn't matter what the cause is.

Assume that his betrayal is based on classic causes - his needs weren't being met.

Regardless that this is a valid reson or not - start Plan A! This is the only logical course of action available to you.