I got to the point where I was willing to give up a bad marriage. Looking at our three daughters, there is no way I want them to tolerate how my H treats me. Either we can create a marriage in which the needs of both of us are met, or I can be a single Mom raising four children who are surprisingly relisient -- thus far! At the moment, they are having a fashion show. I want them to keep that love of life. It hasn't been destroyed yet, thank God.

So -- Tom and I are working on spending 15 hours per week of enjoyable time together. So far this week, we have been together alone for about 10 hours, but not all of it has been enjoyable. I think that both of us have tried, so it is a good start. Tom joined the gym where I exercise, so now we are exercising together while the children are in child care.

It should be interesting. If any M tests Harley's theory that behavior leads to feelings of romantic love, this marriage has got to be it. Wish us luck -- and I'll keep you informed!

PS. I contacted Harley's radio show on 10/1/01, 3 weeks after the first kiss. He told me to call OWH. WH said no -- how dare you! I called Harley's radio show on 4/2202, and that's why I called OWH. Harley was right about exposing the A. Now we'll see if his program will help us to rebuild our M.

<small>[ January 23, 2004, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Living the four rules has made a big difference to us. I hope it works for you.

Remember that the down days will still come, but they seem to get further apart as you go on.

God be with you.

SS

Sounds like you are both really making an effort. One thing that helped me when my boys were little was having a routine, and early bed time. They had quiet time at 8:00pm. They went to their rooms and could read or go to sleep. Most of the time they read awhile and then fell asleep.

So everynight, I had some time alone, and it was really important for me. Also they became excellent readers, which helped them all through school.

If you could get into a routine like this it would give you and H some time every night.

Dear BHAA:

remember when you and I talked here one year ago...in the end of January when I went to the ER after my H had beaten me five times with his fist?

It seems unbelievable when you look at us today. What an enormous difference 365 days of effort have made.

Our M is happy again. We respect each other and each other's views. Most important of all: we protect each other. We don't demand, we try to explain and we listen. We ask. We love.

I wish you all the best, BHAA...just remember: the change in my M came when I changed. When I opened up to H, when I gave him a true chance to rebuild.

You have been hurt a lot. But now leave that behind you for a moment and look forward. If you change yourself, you will have enjoyable times together, because you will be able to ENJOY again.

All the best! I believe in you! Give it a fair try!

Go girl!

Thanks for your support! I'm just happy to be done with all the uproar. He swore at me last week and I got up and left. That's it. I will not longer tolerate that sort of treatment. It felt good. I am no longer a victim of domestic violence. I am in charge of my life and made the decision to end a bad M. That's where I am. I can't really say that I am giving him a chance to rebuild the M.

MarriageBuilders is a structured approach to developing habits that lead to love. I would characterize it as a "Hail Mary" pass. If it works, great. If it doesn't, there's a better life after marriage than there ever was during marriage.

I've gained 35 pounds in two years. My waist size is now what my hip size was when I got married. I've sedated myself with food. No more. No more need to sedate because I am done taking abuse.

<small>[ January 25, 2004, 10:43 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

We got the follow up program yesterday and went through the first of four assignments for Lesson #1. We listened to a CD for about 20 minutes on how the Love Bank works. There are a total of 24 lessons.

It's a very structured approach to creating a passionate marriage. What's sad is that I was on to this stuff before the physical part of the affair began. But he had to get burned, I guess, before he was willing to work on our M.

The nice thing for me at least is that I don't have to make a commitment to get past the affair and the abuse. All I have to do is go through the lessons. I can make a commitment to doing this but have no idea how I'm ever going to get over his having an affair.

It's funny ... we can get a disagreement about anything... we were discussing how long it would take us. He thought some things would be easier to get through than others, and I said I thought that he hurt me a lot with every one of the six Love Busters. And then of course he got defensive that I would say that, pointing out that the affair hurt me more than other things like annoying habits.

At least there is a focus, a structure, for us trying to recover.

Broken heart..

couple of things...

First off I say this with great concern about you...
The fact that your husband got physically aggressive with you....(extreme)...makes me just want to say that while posting things to you about recovery or whatever it is we call it...
that it there is no condoning of that behavior...
I am of the opinion that addressing the recovery of the affair...IS seperate in addressing the recovery of his physical agressiveness...

AND am curious if you and he also see those as two seperate issues....
each needing addressed...
on different levels...

He thought some things would be easier to get through than others, and I said I thought that he hurt me a lot with every one of the six Love Busters.

Well I guess that I question why you would say such a thing..
I mean isn't the whole point of love busters is that they do hurt.....
and is there no some acknowledgement by him just by identifying them that these are things that hurt you....

and that perhaps you could/should learn to validate him when he admits that doing this or that hurts you....
and not rub it in his face more...
It just seems like that your comment probably just shut down communication...
he's looking for hope in wondering how long it really takes two people to work and get past these issues...
he already knows that these are the exact behaviors that hurt you...
and you respond with.

he hurt me a lot
AND
pointing out that the affair hurt me more than other things like annoying habits.

There it is the mother of all conversation stoppers...!!!
NOT to imply you just forget and move one...
BUT that you do what you were doing in the begining focus on the behaviors that hurt you and HIM>...

Look at the gauge you use...
yeah you might have some annoying habits...but he better not complain or speak of them...because no matte how annoying...you didn't have an affair on him...

I am not trying to attack..
I really want to feel good about your choices..
It's just my opinion about looking at your own behaviors...

Does he read your posts here...
Are you two addressing the physical aspect of this ...

Do you think you can move past his physical aggressiveness if it was a one time thing.
do you think you should
do you think you could...

ARK

Ark,

My H does sometimes read my posts and so I only type what I am willing for him to read. For example, I didn't say anything on MB about going to a DivorceCare meeting until I told him. That does limit what I can say.

We have talked about the physical abuse. It wasn't a one-time thing. He has lost his temper innumerable times throughout our M (physical abuse perhaps 50 times, swearing perhaps 3,000 times) -- and the broken arm was so bad in part because it came 12 days after the only major surgery of my life, childbirth related surgery requiring a hysterectomy and which was so extensive that I was in the hospital 5 days. Also, it came because I was threatening to call Sophia. Finally, it required 3 surgeries, keeping me in a cast or splint up past my elbow for more than 4 months.

Anyway, he is in anger management. I have been in IC, and the therapist has told me she thinks that I was so willing to accept physical abuse because I grew up in a family in which I was emotionally abused -- I was told exactly what to do, and my feelings just plain didn't matter.

The way he went about having an affair was abusive in that he kept bringing her up and telling me I was crazy to be so concerned. He got me into therapy because I was psychotic. He went to talk with our parish priest about me and also complained to his boss about me, failing to mention he was having an affair, telling me things like "she's calling me and it would be rude of me to hang up", and then telling me I'm crazy to be acting as I was. Well, I was acting crazy -- calling her, running down to his office, getting all upset... I simply wasn't concerned about the broken arm. The arm injury just never really affected me, but the affair still does very much.

I would say that the issues are distinct. I believe that I am abusive in Harley's term -- very judgmental and controlling -- but would never have an affair. I have been attracted to other men and have run. Tom had lunch with Sophia, kept telling me he could handle it, and lo and behold he couldn't. He didn't care enough to protect me or himself from this.

You said it seems I am rubbing the past in his face. Harley's program has you go through two courses -- Love Busters and His Needs/Her Nees. We're going through Love Busters now because there is a lot in the present that is causing Love Bank withdrawals. I think one legacy of the affair, and this is something I don't know how to address, is a lack of confidence in his honesty. I have questioned why he married me in the first place because he was awful immediately. By the end of the first month of our marriage, I was very upset -- but then I thought it was adjustment to marriage. I didn't realize that that's not how the first month of marriage is for everyone.

When he got upset about my saying all six LoveBusters were a factor, I had been silent, and he had prodded me to say what was on my mind. He's the one that brought up the affair, not me. To me, the affair is more an indication of just how far off I was in thinking about him. I took the blame for the broken arm and a whole lot of other things, but I never took one iota of blame for the affair. That was his choice 100%. As a result of his having an affair, however, I've looked back over our whole marriage -- starting before dinner on our wedding day -- and re-evaluated just how much I was to blame for our problems.

Thanks for your comments. They give me a lot to consider.

<small>[ February 13, 2004, 09:29 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

We finished Lesson 1 of 24 lessons -- 12 lessons are on love busters and 12 are on emotional needs.

The first lesson was on general introduction to love busters. The second is on selfish demands, and the third is on disrespectful judgments.

Tonight, my husband called our 10 year old daughter a "monkey". That's how he chided her for how she was sitting.

I am looking forward to the third lesson!