This is my first time posting, but I have a couple questions.

My h moved in with OW in Oct 03. We've been married 24 years. H and I have kept in some contact by phone and in person. About two weeks ago, he wanted to meet me for lunch to talk about taxes. Well, taxes never came up, so I asked him why he wanted to meet me. Said he wanted to see me. Since that meeting, we've meet probably four other times.

I confronted him this week about me moving on with my life. He then told me he still loves and misses me. We're both going to different counselors. At first he refused to see one, but I went anyway. After a month of my counseling sessions, he decided to go to one too. Well, yesterday I left a message on his cell phone and he never called back, which he normally returns his calls. Anyway, he called me this morning, so I asked him if what he'd told me earlier in the week was nothing but lies. He said no, and that he was considering moving into his own place.

I guess what I'm asking is: Should I believe what he's telling me about possible reconciliation or do you think he's just telling me what he thinks I want to hear? Right now I'm just so confused. I'm taking one day at a time. Could it be possible he's going through a mid-life crisis? Any replies will be appreciated.

Sorry Coyote

Must have posted at the same time. First off welcome to MB. Yes your in the right area. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's possible that he is serious.

When did he say he wanted to talk about saving M. Before or after you confronted him about you moving on. It might have been a wake up call that for him. His A is a fantasy, and he might have started to see that. And now he also sees the possibility of losing you. I would think of this as a chance. What are your feeling about wanting the M? I would read up on Plan A, and Plan B. Plan A as long as you still have Love for your WH, and Plan B to protect yourself and guard what love remains.

Read all the materials from the site. Keep posting and reading, it also helps to vent here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Some books that could be of help, His Needs/Her Needs, Surviving an Affair, and Torn Asunder.

Weekends are fairly slow, but others will reply.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Coyote:
<strong>

I guess what I'm asking is: Should I believe what he's telling me about possible reconciliation or do you think he's just telling me what he thinks I want to hear? Right now I'm just so confused. I'm taking one day at a time. Could it be possible he's going through a mid-life crisis? Any replies will be appreciated. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Coyote, I think whats missing here is that he is not convinced that he CAN be happy with you in the future. Something went off the tracks before his affair that made the marriage vulnerable to an affair. Was he unhappy? What was your marriage like? What happened here?

Your marriage is very salvagable right now if you can identify what it was that attracted him to the OW and try to fill that need for him. In order for him to want to come back, he has to be able to envision a happy future with you. Identifying his needs and learning to fill them is all part of that process.

You are at a crucial point in your life right now and your actions can determine whether this marriage goes forward. I would suggest that you consider calling the Harleys [founders of MArriage Builders] to get some guidance in order to get you on the right track. They are very effective marriage counselors that actually COUNSEL people and give them advice. [versus other counselors who sit there like a statue waiting for you to "figure it out."] Consulting them might be the very thing that saves your marriage at this critical juncture.

Also, I would run out and get the book "Surviving an Affair" this weekend and read it. It will be a real eye opener that should help tremendously.

H made the comments after I told him I was considering moving on with my life.

Yes, I want my marriage to work.

H said he was unhappy because he came back from a remote 1-year assignment and said the two d and I weren't paying attention to him. H and I also had some disagreements on how to handle our "troubled" daughter. I now realize I should have listened to him instead of doing what I thought was best. Also, he said we hadn't made love in over a year which isn't true and I gave him the specific date. So, he basically left because he said he felt unwelcomed and unloved. I also was going through some stress in my life but he was concentrating only on himself and wasn't listening to me.

If I get counseling with the Harley's, do you know approximately how much this costs? I know money shouldn't be an issue at this point, but it is.

I'm willing to do almost anything to save my marriage. Before all this started happening, our marriage has been really happy.

H has mentioned about not seeing a future with me. How does one convince him we do have a future?

Hope I answered the questions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Coyote:
<strong> H and I also had some disagreements on how to handle our "troubled" daughter. I now realize I should have listened to him instead of doing what I thought was best. Also, he said we hadn't made love in over a year which isn't true and I gave him the specific date. So, he basically left because he said he felt unwelcomed and unloved.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Coyote, I think the Harley's charge around $185 for a session. But let me just tell you that this might invaluable to you. They do not mess around and you won't have to keep going back for endless sessions. They are geniuses, from what I can see, at quickly drilling down to the core problems and setting you on the right path.

In the meantime, I would start working IMMEDIATELY on trying to meet his needs. THAT is how you convince him there is a future with you. Start meeting his needs to HELP HIM envision a future with you!

Give him plenty of admiration and attention when you have the opportunity. I am concerned that you didn't take his complaint about sexual frequency very seriously. He may have exaggerated about how long it had been, but the point was still the same: that need was NOT being met for him. That is an important need for a man! He has to know that you will meet this need for him in the future.

Another issue would be not respecting his opinion in matters with your children. That would be especially hard on him since he was assimilating back into the family. I would suspect he felt undermined as a man.

Coyote, I think it is really great that you have identified the 2 biggest issues here and those are biggies. But they are certainly not unsolvable! The key will be to change your behaviors in those areas and convince him of your changes. That will give him conmfidence in your marriage and RESTORE the love he once had.

Read this:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5520_qa.html

And this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5013_qa.html

MelodyLane, thanks for the info. I'll definitely read the suggested websites. I've read a lot of books but hopefully the above will help.

You're right on the money and I blame myself for not realizing this sooner than I did. I let myself get too comfortable in my marriage and I now know that was wrong. I just hope I can repair the damage. At first, he didn't even want to try, but he now does. I know it won't happen overnight, so I'm willing to wait for as long as it takes.

H did make a comment to me that at first he thought I wanted him back because of financial reasons, but then he broke down crying saying that I must really love him to consider even taking him back. He told me he's really confused about things, so I'm backing off and giving him some space. Meanwhile, I'll be nice and give him compliments whenever I talk/see him.

Any other helpful advice is always welcomed! Thx

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Coyote:
<strong>

H did make a comment to me that at first he thought I wanted him back because of financial reasons, but then he broke down crying saying that I must really love him to consider even taking him back. He told me he's really confused about things, so I'm backing off and giving him some space. Meanwhile, I'll be nice and give him compliments whenever I talk/see him.

Any other helpful advice is always welcomed! Thx </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, I see so many opportunities here. I do agree that you should not pressure him at all, but you do have some good opportunities to reinforce with him that you will be forgiving and won't punish him.

I would also look for an opportunity to just tell him that you know and understand that you did things in the marriage that contributed to his unhappiness and intend on changing those things. Then tell him specifically what those things were. I think that will greatly relieve some of his guilt in ADDITION to giving him hope for the future.

I hope the others here will also weigh in and give their thoughts. I think your situation is very hopeful, Coyote!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Coyote:
<strong>He told me he's really confused about things, so I'm backing off and giving him some space. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't back off too much!

Hi Coyote

There is a lot of opportunity. But, I agree with Melodylane, don't back off to much. Show him your Love and that you want the M. Work on meeting those EN's that you know of his. Your his W and you know them better then the OW. If you haven't read up on Plan A, do it.

Remind your H about how happy the M was.

There is a lot of hope for your M. Melody gave some very good advice.

God Bless

Coyote, what if you invited him out for a nice dinner and really laid it on thick? Dress up real nice, flirt with him and tell him how handsome he looks? No relationship talk, nothing serious. And maybe you could just tell him that you know you made some mistakes in the past and caused him great hurt, and that you want to make it up to him?

MaryLane & Silverthorn: Thanks so much for the advice. I really enjoy this website much better than the other one I was posting to. A lot of posts were negative in response and I never thought I received any helpful advice like you've given me.

How can I show him I've changed when he won't be intimate with me and he's still w/OW at the moment? He seemed to think I had a childhood problem I'd mentioned to him before and that's why I wasn't intitmate with him, but I told him the reasons had nothing to do with my childhood or him....I was tired, stressed, etc. But there were also times when I wanted to be intimate but he didn't but I think that was probably because he was in the affair.

I'm glad to hear there's still hope....just hope I can carry out the plan properly.

I won't back off too much...I plan on calling him at least once a week to see how he's doing. Although books and websites I've read suggest detaching but to me that means not trying to fix the relationship. Besides, "out of sight, out of mind."

Silverthorn, I don't mean to sound stupid but what does EN mean? I've printed out Plans A & B and will read them tomorrow.

The last couple times h came out to the house he mentioned to me about how nice I looked and I told him how handsome he looked in his leather jacket even though he's gained weight!

I've already told him I made some huge mistakes and want to make it up to him but I don't think he believes me. Somehow I need to show him.

I did suggest this morning to him about going out to dinner or a movie sometime and his reply was "maybe."

Right now there's still hope...that's good for me!

Coyote

EN is Emotional Needs. No you do not sound stupid, there are a lot of abbreviations some you pick up on quickly some you just have to ask what they mean. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for showing your H your serious, just be consistant with him. Be open and honest. Yes let him know the mistakes you know you have made and how your working on those problems. Live the changes that your making. Melody is right, he needs to enjoy your company. What he has with tho OW is just a shadow, something that isn't real.

As long as your in plan A, then yes you need to keep in communication. Don't be afraid to ask him for help if you really need it. Share good memories of the two of you.

One thing you shouldn't become is someone he walks over. You can show him your love and your willingness to work on the M (marriage), but also that you are someone that also needs respect.

Have a good night Coyote, there is lots of hope.

Hope, Faith and Love.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Coyote:
<strong>
How can I show him I've changed when he won't be intimate with me and he's still w/OW at the moment? He seemed to think I had a childhood problem I'd mentioned to him before and that's why I wasn't intitmate with him, but I told him the reasons had nothing to do with my childhood or him....I was tired, stressed, etc. But there were also times when I wanted to be intimate but he didn't but I think that was probably because he was in the affair. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, and what would you do in the future when you are tired and stressed? See, his big fear will be that you will subordinate his needs when it's convenient. Just imagine if your top need is Financial Support and your husband tells you he is too "tired" or "stressed" to go to work so there won't be a paycheck that week. Granted, there is much more riding on the fin. support, but your H's emotional needs are just as important to him and can't be tossed aside.

Anyway, this is a huge opportunity for you to work on if you can attract him back. Try and think of ways that you can ASSURE him that you will meet his sexual needs in the future.

And please look for any and every opportunity to get together with him, without being annoying, of course. I realize he is still with the OW, so you will have to work hard to attract him back. And now is the opportune time because he is CONFUSED and the affair is probably getting old. He needs a warm place to fall when the affair falls apart.

sorry-Ididn't see this when I moved your post. Welcome-it will be OK. Read everything here under welcome and surviving the affair, sorry you are here too.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement. Before I posted, I felt really depressed but you guys have lifted my spirits because there is hope! Your advice has helped me realize quite a few things that I should/shouldn't be doing to get my h back. Hopefully, things will work out in the end. I'll continue to read the posts and if there's an update, I'll post.

Silverthorn, thanks not not making me feel stupid about asking about EN (Emotional Needs). I'm learning!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How can I show him I've changed when he won't be intimate with me and he's still w/OW at the moment? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You mentioned a couple of clear areas in which a change in you would be greatly appreciated and noticed by him:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H said he was unhappy because he came back from a remote 1-year assignment and said the two d and I weren't paying attention to him. H and I also had some disagreements on how to handle our "troubled" daughter. I now realize I should have listened to him instead of doing what I thought was best. Also, he said we hadn't made love in over a year</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TELL him you now realize you didn't allow him to integrate back into your life, that you wish you'd listened to him about your D (daughter) rather than just doing what you thought was best. Then bring up some topic about one of the kids and ask for his input. Whatever he says, thank him for his input. Be appreciative.

The thing is, it's easy to say "I know I did X wrong and I won't do that again" but when you start SHOWING him, via your actions, then your statement begins to sink in and carry a bit of weight.

This will take a long time. He will notice, but may be suspicious that your change is temporary, just enough to "get him back" and he will probably be afraid that you'll revert to your old habits. Just be patient and continue inviting him to participate in decisions about your children, and thank him for his input.

The SF (sexual fulfillment) is a bit trickier because he is with OW, but if you feel comfortable mentioning casually that you're examining this aspect of yourself, too, then great. Maybe mention a book you're reading.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He seemed to think I had a childhood problem I'd mentioned to him before and that's why I wasn't intitmate with him, but I told him the reasons had nothing to do with my childhood or him</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You seem to dismiss his input pretty easily. No wonder he feels ignored, unwanted, and unneeded. If you are comfortable revisiting this topic, then tell him you've reconsidered his input and that although it wasn't something you wanted to hear at the time, you do appreciate his candor in suggesting the childhood event as a possible cause.

These are just examples, of course, and you should only say and do things if you really mean them. Take the suggestions and adapt them to how you really feel, if they're appropriate. If not, toss them out and read someone else's post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks for the advice turtlehead. You make a lot of sense. I'll take any advice & all advice I can get.

The other day I sent h an e-mail admitting my part in our problems. I also complimented him telling him how handsome and smart he was. I then asked his advice about one of our daughters. He said he read the e-mail but he didn't reply.

He called me yesterday evening asking me where I'd been all day. He then asked me if I wanted to meet him for lunch one day next week. So, we're suppose to meet tomorrow. Should I ask him if he's found his own place or just let it go for now and just enjoy each other's company? Thx

Coyote, good move on the email! I would just play it cool and let him lead the way. No relationship talk, just enjoy his wonderful company and be as pleasant and civil as possible. Maybe even flirt a little bit?

Thanks for the advice MelodyLane. Even though it will be difficult not to mention the relationship, I'll focus on having a good time with him. I'll also be sure to dress nicely and wear the earrings he gave me for Christmas.